Breaking Down Walls.
Eighteen
I V Y
I suddenly jolted awake, after the first nightmare I had had in a while, I can feel my head screaming at me telling me there was something wrong I look around to see that I’m still on the sofa I must have fallen asleep whilst watching the movies. I look around in search of Dylan when he suddenly comes running in the doorway
“Ivy are you okay? I heard you scream? What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine Dylan I had a bad dream but I’m okay now, what time is it?”
“What was the dream about? Its 1:30am I was about to make myself a drink then come and wake you up to take you to bed”
“I was watching my mom and dad die, I witnessed it. It felt so real Dylan it was so horrible and vivid I don’t know what to do I haven’t had a bad dream in 3 months. Why are they back?”
He looks at me with sympathy written all over his face, I feel myself start to cry and then I feel Dylan’s arms pick me up
“I don’t why they are back, but its okay now I’m here let’s get you to bed. Do you need to talk to your brother I noticed how when I came back in earlier you seemed better”
I felt him put me down onto my bed and give me my phone, I decide not to ring Zack he didn't know about my dreams instead I pressed the name of the person who knows everything I've been feeling.
“Hey Alex I’m sorry to wake you up”
“Its fine Ivy I was hardly asleep anyway, what’s up chick?”
“It happened again Alex, the dream”
“Oh no, are you okay now?”
“Yes, I’m getting there. Dylan told me to ring Zack but he still doesn't know I have them. I thought it was best to ring you”
“That’s good, he made a good call Ivy it should be your brother you’re talking to, although I don’t mind you calling me at 1:35 in the morning. Your brother wants to be there for you Ivy”
“But Alex, I don’t want to talk to him about this I want to talk to you, I trust you to not break down on me, I trust you to not freak out, I trust you to not tell Zack”
“I know Hun, I want you to trust me but I can’t help you as much as Zack could we both know that, I don’t know what you’re going through Zack does”
I feel tears start to form in my eyes Even Alex is giving up on me
“Are you crying Ivy?”
“It doesn't matter Alex why didn't you just tell me, that you didn't want to hear my problems anymore that would have been nicer”
With that I hung up I looked over to see my door shut and no Dylan to be seen, I hear my stomach growl That will give up soon It too will give up trying I walk towards the draw as tears fall down my face silently.
A L E X
Shit, fuck what did I just do, I wasn't saying I don’t want to hear anything from her, I want to hear her problems I just thought she should call Zack and tell him what’s going on. I never meant to push her away. She’s going to go all closed on me I know her, if she thinks she’s annoying someone she will just shut them off she did it before her parents died she thinks it’s easier for the other person, and sometimes it probably is but this time it’s not. I want her to know that I care about her just like her brother and I want her to talk to me. I get out of my bunk in search of someone awake so I can tell them I just screwed up. I look for any sort of light coming from the bunks, I see that Jacks light is on and it seems he’s on his phone. Hopefully texting Ivy although I know that he wouldn't be as much as he would like her to, she wouldn't text him at such a late time, and she knows he likes his sleep. I open up the curtain quietly.
“Hey Jack”
“Hey Alex, what do you want?”
“Can we go talk somewhere, I think I may have screwed up”
He always wanted involvement in Ivy’s life well now’s the time.
“Yeah sure buddy, let me put a top on and I’ll be out meet me in the front lounge no one goes there”
I understood why he wanted to put clothes on, it’s a bit cold on the bus tonight. He was right thought the front lounge is only used when someone was doing something important, and this was important.
Jack stumbles in to the room, he looks tired
“Dude I’m sorry for keeping you up, if you want to go to bed that’s okay”
“No it’s fine, you need me I’m here what’s up?”
“I fucked up with Ivy man”
We were whispering, trying to wake any light sleepers up. We had a bus on this tour it was expensive but You me at six were also sharing the bus with us.
“What do you mean? Did you tell her you love her or something?”
“No dude, because I say that to her anyway. I pushed her away dude, I told her she shouldn't talk to me about her problems and that Zack should be the one she goes to”.
“When did you tell her that?”
I look at my phone seeing it was 2:01
“About 20 minutes ago she rang me telling me she had a bad dream and that Dylan told her to ring Zack, but instead she rang me because in her words ‘she trusts me’
“What did she say to you when you told her to talk to Zack?”
“Well she started crying and then said it doesn't matter Alex why didn't you just tell me, that you didn't want to hear my problems anymore that would have been nicer”
“Well shit Alex, what are you going to do? she needs you”.
“I have no idea, I can’t tell her I didn't mean what I said because I did, and she will just ignore me anyway”
“Alex, just tell her that you care for her and you don’t mind hearing her problems you just think that she should try talking to Zack soon”
“Okay mate, I got it thank you. If you want you can go to bed now”
“No I’m not going to bed until you have rang her and said what you need to say”
With that, I picked my phone from my pocket and dialed her number. But the voice at the other in isn't one I expected to hear.
“Hello” It was a boys voice, is this Dylan?
“Hey, I’m guessing you’re Dylan I’m Alex can I talk to Ivy please?”
“No she just passed me the phone, she said she didn't want to talk to you”
“Can you just put me on speaker then please so she can at least listen to me?”
“Yeah sure, hang on”
I heard a button being played with and Ivy saying she didn't want to hear what I had to say, this really upset me. My best friend didn't even want to hear my voice, the one that always calmed her down. She just hates me.
“There you go Alex, not that she will listen to you, but it’s worth a try considering she won’t even talk to me, I’ll leave you guys to it. Bye nice to talk you Alex”
“Hey, Ivy I know I upset you but listen I want to know all of your problems, every day I want to hear about what you are doing and where you are going. All I wanted you to know is that Zack also wants to hear them. I will never get bored of you talking to me, you’re my best friend Ivy, and best friends are there for each other right?”
I hear a crying noise at the other end of the phone
“Ivy please don’t cry, I never meant to cause this I hate to hear you so hurt knowing 1 that I caused it and 2 that I can’t be there”
“I’m okay lex”
“Ivy you are not okay”
Jack stood up and left the room not before giving me a hug and a smile
“Just please leave me alone”
“Ivy I’m not giving up on this, I will stay on this god damn phone all night if that’s what it takes to hear you laugh”
“I could just hang up on you Alex and you know I could”
“But I also know that you wouldn't dare”
“Oh, but I would”
“Ivy if you don’t tell me what’s wrong then I’m coming home and bringing everyone back to”
“No Alex don’t do that, it’s nothing I had a bad dream and you know that, you also know what happened in that dream and that I’m not okay. I just want them back so badly Alex, I feel like I can’t breathe without them”
“See I have the power to make you talk, I know you miss them Ivy and I know it’s hard for you right now, but they are always with you they never leave your side, and the same goes for Zack. Do you know how Zack gets through it?”
“Shut up, I just don’t want you coming home. It’s always going to be hard isn't Alex? How does Zack get through it?”
“Well, now I feel just great thanks babe. Yes it probably will Ivy but I know that you will be okay. Zack thinks of the best memory with them in it, and then thinks of you, and how strong you have been, you give him hope Ivy he knows that if you are getting better than so can he”
“You’re very welcome, how do you know it’s going to be okay? If you only knew the half of it Alex you will realize how weak I really am, I’m not getting better Alex I’m getting worse”
“I know it’s going to be okay because before I left we made a deal, and you followed that deal. How many times have you left the house?”
“I’m not sure probably about 10 times”
“Well then how can you say you’re getting worse?”
I V Y
I honestly wish I could tell Alex the truth, but I know if I do then he will worry and get Zack to come home. Then they will send me the therapy to someone who thinks they understand, if he knew what I was doing before he rang he would not be saying this, he would have been giving up on me.
“I don’t Alex I just feel like I am, btw it’s like 2:47 I know you have a gig tomorrow and I’m actually really tired, and I know that Dylan probably wants to get to sleep too”
“Well I don’t think you are okay? Just stay strong darling us guys will be home before you know it, plus we have a surprise for you, but goodnight anyways text me when you wake up, if you still feel like shit ring me”
“Okay, I will try my hardest, and I hate you Gaskarth you know how much I hate not being told things, why couldn't you just leave it to the point where I didn't know anything, I will text you later though, love you lexy”
“That’s why I told you, and really Lexy? Was the best name you could come up with are you serious but love you to”
“Yupp goodnight fucker”
“Night Ivy”
With that we hung up it was now 2:50am I didn't know why Alex bothered to call me back he could have just left it till the morning, at least then we could have had a longer conversation He didn't want a long conversation with you Ivy, he knows you’re a lost cause, he was telling you those things because he feels sorry for you, he doesn't love you, he thinks you’re pathetic just like everyone else that meets you I try to ignore that little voice in my head and shout for Dylan to come up the stairs. When he does he walks over to the bed
“Yes ivy?”
“I don’t want to be on my own tonight”
He just climbs in and turns around to face the door whilst I do the same and turn round to face the wall
“Night Ivy”
“Goodnight Dylan”
I suddenly jolted awake, after the first nightmare I had had in a while, I can feel my head screaming at me telling me there was something wrong I look around to see that I’m still on the sofa I must have fallen asleep whilst watching the movies. I look around in search of Dylan when he suddenly comes running in the doorway
“Ivy are you okay? I heard you scream? What’s wrong?”
“I’m fine Dylan I had a bad dream but I’m okay now, what time is it?”
“What was the dream about? Its 1:30am I was about to make myself a drink then come and wake you up to take you to bed”
“I was watching my mom and dad die, I witnessed it. It felt so real Dylan it was so horrible and vivid I don’t know what to do I haven’t had a bad dream in 3 months. Why are they back?”
He looks at me with sympathy written all over his face, I feel myself start to cry and then I feel Dylan’s arms pick me up
“I don’t why they are back, but its okay now I’m here let’s get you to bed. Do you need to talk to your brother I noticed how when I came back in earlier you seemed better”
I felt him put me down onto my bed and give me my phone, I decide not to ring Zack he didn't know about my dreams instead I pressed the name of the person who knows everything I've been feeling.
“Hey Alex I’m sorry to wake you up”
“Its fine Ivy I was hardly asleep anyway, what’s up chick?”
“It happened again Alex, the dream”
“Oh no, are you okay now?”
“Yes, I’m getting there. Dylan told me to ring Zack but he still doesn't know I have them. I thought it was best to ring you”
“That’s good, he made a good call Ivy it should be your brother you’re talking to, although I don’t mind you calling me at 1:35 in the morning. Your brother wants to be there for you Ivy”
“But Alex, I don’t want to talk to him about this I want to talk to you, I trust you to not break down on me, I trust you to not freak out, I trust you to not tell Zack”
“I know Hun, I want you to trust me but I can’t help you as much as Zack could we both know that, I don’t know what you’re going through Zack does”
I feel tears start to form in my eyes Even Alex is giving up on me
“Are you crying Ivy?”
“It doesn't matter Alex why didn't you just tell me, that you didn't want to hear my problems anymore that would have been nicer”
With that I hung up I looked over to see my door shut and no Dylan to be seen, I hear my stomach growl That will give up soon It too will give up trying I walk towards the draw as tears fall down my face silently.
A L E X
Shit, fuck what did I just do, I wasn't saying I don’t want to hear anything from her, I want to hear her problems I just thought she should call Zack and tell him what’s going on. I never meant to push her away. She’s going to go all closed on me I know her, if she thinks she’s annoying someone she will just shut them off she did it before her parents died she thinks it’s easier for the other person, and sometimes it probably is but this time it’s not. I want her to know that I care about her just like her brother and I want her to talk to me. I get out of my bunk in search of someone awake so I can tell them I just screwed up. I look for any sort of light coming from the bunks, I see that Jacks light is on and it seems he’s on his phone. Hopefully texting Ivy although I know that he wouldn't be as much as he would like her to, she wouldn't text him at such a late time, and she knows he likes his sleep. I open up the curtain quietly.
“Hey Jack”
“Hey Alex, what do you want?”
“Can we go talk somewhere, I think I may have screwed up”
He always wanted involvement in Ivy’s life well now’s the time.
“Yeah sure buddy, let me put a top on and I’ll be out meet me in the front lounge no one goes there”
I understood why he wanted to put clothes on, it’s a bit cold on the bus tonight. He was right thought the front lounge is only used when someone was doing something important, and this was important.
Jack stumbles in to the room, he looks tired
“Dude I’m sorry for keeping you up, if you want to go to bed that’s okay”
“No it’s fine, you need me I’m here what’s up?”
“I fucked up with Ivy man”
We were whispering, trying to wake any light sleepers up. We had a bus on this tour it was expensive but You me at six were also sharing the bus with us.
“What do you mean? Did you tell her you love her or something?”
“No dude, because I say that to her anyway. I pushed her away dude, I told her she shouldn't talk to me about her problems and that Zack should be the one she goes to”.
“When did you tell her that?”
I look at my phone seeing it was 2:01
“About 20 minutes ago she rang me telling me she had a bad dream and that Dylan told her to ring Zack, but instead she rang me because in her words ‘she trusts me’
“What did she say to you when you told her to talk to Zack?”
“Well she started crying and then said it doesn't matter Alex why didn't you just tell me, that you didn't want to hear my problems anymore that would have been nicer”
“Well shit Alex, what are you going to do? she needs you”.
“I have no idea, I can’t tell her I didn't mean what I said because I did, and she will just ignore me anyway”
“Alex, just tell her that you care for her and you don’t mind hearing her problems you just think that she should try talking to Zack soon”
“Okay mate, I got it thank you. If you want you can go to bed now”
“No I’m not going to bed until you have rang her and said what you need to say”
With that, I picked my phone from my pocket and dialed her number. But the voice at the other in isn't one I expected to hear.
“Hello” It was a boys voice, is this Dylan?
“Hey, I’m guessing you’re Dylan I’m Alex can I talk to Ivy please?”
“No she just passed me the phone, she said she didn't want to talk to you”
“Can you just put me on speaker then please so she can at least listen to me?”
“Yeah sure, hang on”
I heard a button being played with and Ivy saying she didn't want to hear what I had to say, this really upset me. My best friend didn't even want to hear my voice, the one that always calmed her down. She just hates me.
“There you go Alex, not that she will listen to you, but it’s worth a try considering she won’t even talk to me, I’ll leave you guys to it. Bye nice to talk you Alex”
“Hey, Ivy I know I upset you but listen I want to know all of your problems, every day I want to hear about what you are doing and where you are going. All I wanted you to know is that Zack also wants to hear them. I will never get bored of you talking to me, you’re my best friend Ivy, and best friends are there for each other right?”
I hear a crying noise at the other end of the phone
“Ivy please don’t cry, I never meant to cause this I hate to hear you so hurt knowing 1 that I caused it and 2 that I can’t be there”
“I’m okay lex”
“Ivy you are not okay”
Jack stood up and left the room not before giving me a hug and a smile
“Just please leave me alone”
“Ivy I’m not giving up on this, I will stay on this god damn phone all night if that’s what it takes to hear you laugh”
“I could just hang up on you Alex and you know I could”
“But I also know that you wouldn't dare”
“Oh, but I would”
“Ivy if you don’t tell me what’s wrong then I’m coming home and bringing everyone back to”
“No Alex don’t do that, it’s nothing I had a bad dream and you know that, you also know what happened in that dream and that I’m not okay. I just want them back so badly Alex, I feel like I can’t breathe without them”
“See I have the power to make you talk, I know you miss them Ivy and I know it’s hard for you right now, but they are always with you they never leave your side, and the same goes for Zack. Do you know how Zack gets through it?”
“Shut up, I just don’t want you coming home. It’s always going to be hard isn't Alex? How does Zack get through it?”
“Well, now I feel just great thanks babe. Yes it probably will Ivy but I know that you will be okay. Zack thinks of the best memory with them in it, and then thinks of you, and how strong you have been, you give him hope Ivy he knows that if you are getting better than so can he”
“You’re very welcome, how do you know it’s going to be okay? If you only knew the half of it Alex you will realize how weak I really am, I’m not getting better Alex I’m getting worse”
“I know it’s going to be okay because before I left we made a deal, and you followed that deal. How many times have you left the house?”
“I’m not sure probably about 10 times”
“Well then how can you say you’re getting worse?”
I V Y
I honestly wish I could tell Alex the truth, but I know if I do then he will worry and get Zack to come home. Then they will send me the therapy to someone who thinks they understand, if he knew what I was doing before he rang he would not be saying this, he would have been giving up on me.
“I don’t Alex I just feel like I am, btw it’s like 2:47 I know you have a gig tomorrow and I’m actually really tired, and I know that Dylan probably wants to get to sleep too”
“Well I don’t think you are okay? Just stay strong darling us guys will be home before you know it, plus we have a surprise for you, but goodnight anyways text me when you wake up, if you still feel like shit ring me”
“Okay, I will try my hardest, and I hate you Gaskarth you know how much I hate not being told things, why couldn't you just leave it to the point where I didn't know anything, I will text you later though, love you lexy”
“That’s why I told you, and really Lexy? Was the best name you could come up with are you serious but love you to”
“Yupp goodnight fucker”
“Night Ivy”
With that we hung up it was now 2:50am I didn't know why Alex bothered to call me back he could have just left it till the morning, at least then we could have had a longer conversation He didn't want a long conversation with you Ivy, he knows you’re a lost cause, he was telling you those things because he feels sorry for you, he doesn't love you, he thinks you’re pathetic just like everyone else that meets you I try to ignore that little voice in my head and shout for Dylan to come up the stairs. When he does he walks over to the bed
“Yes ivy?”
“I don’t want to be on my own tonight”
He just climbs in and turns around to face the door whilst I do the same and turn round to face the wall
“Night Ivy”
“Goodnight Dylan”
Notes
What are your thoughts.
Please let me know what you think
I like this chapter, i know it's really long and i'm sorry, but i felt like i couldn't just stop it at one point.
-Kay
Hops on black Pegasus of rainbow feels to ride next story
9/6/14