!!!ATTENTION: WARNING!!!


most of the content in this update may be triggering to some readers.
the last thing i want is for anyone to purposely harm themselves in anyway, and i don't want to influence it


SO BEFORE READING THIS DO NOTE!

that if you are or are ever going through ANY form of a rough patch, know im here and there are so many others as well who are ready and willing to listen.

i will be leaving my social media links in the notes if you would ever like to reach me, also you may feel MORE then free to message me here on this site..


and if you are thinking of harming yourself, and dont want to reach out to me or someone close. please, call 1–800–366–8288.


don't suffer in silence.


their is an army of people just like you who have suffered, theirs no need for anymore to.


now... read on!
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"What are you doing here... Tammy?"

Eyes locked on mine, Tammy grins. Her slime glossed lips gliding tightly together as her blonde head of hair is cocked to the side. "I said, shouldn't you be over there?" The blonde cooed. I felt my jaw set tightly to the point I wasn't certain weather all my teeth were whole anymore.

"Why does it matter?" I spat. My words sharp and ridged as I flung them at her. Grinning, she seemed perfectly unfazed as she let out an unsettling laugh and placed her polished hands on her hips. Her pink nails drumming slightly against the black fabric. "What is it Dawson?"

I let my eyes fall to my knees bent high as I sat on the hood of Alex's car. Slowly counting to ten to clear my head. "What’s what?" I finally asked with a hostile tone.

"What's with you and people dying?" She sang, her heals clicking closer and closer as she neared the car. "Do you get just get a kick out of others pain?"

"No..." I muttered. My throat clenching suddenly as I felt like I had swallowed my tongue. Fumbling with my words I tugged on the hem of my dress. "T-That’s you..."

"Maybe so..." Tammy hummed with a giddy tone making my stomach clench. "But how come everyone around you seems to drop like flies but your still here?" She asked, her tone playful and sick as she stepped closer to the car. "Do you ever wonder why that is? Because I do..."

"Nothing better to d-do?" I tried. My voice betraying me as it crippled my words. Smiling, Tammy took her last stride to my presence, her flowing top brushing against my pale knees at her sudden closeness.

"It's a shame you know..." Tammy hummed, ignoring my remark as she reached forward, taking my left wrist in her bottle tanned hand making me freeze. "I liked Marc, he was cute," she started, rolling my hand so my palm was facing upwards before continuing. "Why was he in that car and not you?" She said. Her plucked brow lofted as I blinked my eyes from the building tears.

After realizing I was to remain silent, Tammy gave my wrist a tight squeeze causing me to hiss and snap my eyes to hers. A satisfied smirk meeting my gaze as she laughed. "It's rude to ignore people when they ask you a question." She squeezed tighter, practically forcing the tears from my eyes like the juice from a lemon. Her eyes perked wider as she glanced down at my arm and widened her smile. "So I ask..." Her free hand reaching out as I shut my eyes, slowly feeling her cold fingers running over the few risen lines. "Does-"

"Don't..." I muttered. My eyes glued shut as I forced my tears from falling. Listening to Tammy laugh once again my ragged breath caught in my throat.

"Does Alex know..."

"Leave him out of this!" I snapped, ripping my arm back I tried to free myself but failed as her vice grip tightened.

"That explains so much! After all these years and he never noticed these, how odd..." She gasped with a grin as she watched my lip begin to quiver. Her hand running over the few mere lines on my skin. "Alex wouldn't like you if he knew, would he?" She sang. Cringing inwardly I whipped my head back and forth. Willing her words to miss my ears more so than to answer her. "How easy would it be?" She asked, her manicured nails trailing vertically down the horizontal scars making a whimper slip free.

"Sto-op!" I spat, my voice trembling as she snickered to herself.

"I heard a vertical cut could end a life..." She hummed. A single finger trailing slowly from the base of my wrist to the bend of my elbow as she spoke. "Maybe you should save them all the trouble, just end this now..." I bit back my lip to stop my sobs as I looked down the hill. Jack's bleached black hair standing out as Alex stared clearly down at his wrist before tapping Andrea's shoulder.

Seeing Alex pull Andrea to the side, Tammy smirked again. "What would Alex think of you?" She mused. "Already pathetic as is, but a cutter? Really?"

"Shut up!"

"Oh but hunny..." She sang. "Without those bracelets, there’s nothing to stop me from telling him."

"Shut, UP!"

"How would you feel, keeping him tied down like that because he doesn't have the heart to dump you..." She brushed a hand on my cheek making me cringe. "Maybe you should just end it now..."

My breath folded over as I saw Alex glance up from his halfway point on the hill. His eyes widening as he noticed the second party and froze in his place. Mouth dropping open to call out my name,

But it was too late. I was already gone. Shoving Tammy back enough to make a break across the burial ground as my tears finally flooded from my eyes as my mind ran laps with Tammy's words.

"How come everyone around you seems to drop like flies but your still here?"

"How come no matter who dies you’re still around."

"It's a shame, I liked Marc, he was cute, why was he in that car and not you?"

"Why was he in that car and not you?"

"Why was he?"

'And not me...'

She was right. I should have been in that car, not Marc. I deserved to die, what had I done in this life besides cause pain and suffering to everyone around me to even deserve to live. I killed him. Just like I killed my mother. How many more people had to die till I was finally taken? How much longer would I have to suffer till the suffering ended, when would it stop for me? When would everyone around me finally be freed from this ball and chain? I was nothing but a walking death wish.

I didn’t deserve to be here. He didn’t deserve to die. Why was he gone but I was here. He was probably sitting in heaven waiting for the day I got what was coming to me. Got what my mother had told me I deserved. What Tammy had showed me I deserved. What I now knew was what I deserved. I choked down a sob as I subconsciously fell to my knees, banging my shin on a wooden step as I fell, the pain only halting my cries as the tears leaked from my now gazing eyes. No more than feet from my face was a large, wooden, door. The door to my home, my temporary safety.

As if my mind had done it on its own my hands pressed into the step, my body rising of the damp wood letting me stagger towards the door in a rushed mess. Throwing the door open, I continued to sob as I sprinted up the stairs on trembling legs and tripped down the hall. Falling short in front of the bathroom door, I used the wall to claw myself to my feet and lunged forward, palms pressed to the white wooden door as I caught my breath. Looking down at the golden nob, I rested my head to the door as I tried to clear my vision enough to see the drops collecting on the round metal nob as they slipped from my cheeks.

"I'm so sorry..." I cried, my words slipping with my violent sobs as I ran my nails down the door, my hand clutching around the nob with such forced I watched my knuckles turn white. Turning the nob, I kicked in the door and fell to the floor, no doubt smashing my skull on the counter's corner with a violent cry as I slumped to the tile floor. "I'm so sorry Marc..."

I wiped at my tears as best I could and kicked the door shut. Pulling myself enough to flick the lock before slumping into the wooden cabinet under the sink. 'Don't fuck up now Jasey...' I mentally cursed my heavy eyelids as my eyes dropped ever so slightly from the rushing pain in my head. Fighting my heavy limbs, I got to my knees and pulled opened the cupboard door and began to tear apart the area's contents in search for a blue box I knew was hidden within.

"JASEY!" The door slammed as I held my previously vocal sobs and reached for the shower curtain. My one last resort. I thought, my hand reaching for my razor from the shower and threw it to the ground. The tears streaming from my eyes as I smashed the plastic with my foot allowing the metal shards to be freed. "JASEY!" I heard Alex's voice boom through the house and my heart sank. Stepping back till my spine rolled against the paint of the door the gears bean to turn in my mind. I couldn't deny I had known for a while I was nothing to this world. Just simply here, taking up space. But it wasn't till then. With everything laid out on the scattered bathroom floor for me that I realized how insignificant my presence was to this earth. If anything I was a burden more or less than a person. And with one simple cut I could rid the world of its worry of me ruining another life. "It'd be so easy..." I mumbled, sniffling my leaking tears as I sank into the wall.

"JASEY! " he called again in a more frantic tone as I fell to my knees, ignoring the gashes being made from the other shards of metal and plastic as I cried, picking up a single metal strip and looking down at it. "JASEY PLEASE!" Alex's voice ripped through the house as the sounds of his heavy footsteps dashed up the stair-case. A frantic sob leaving my body as I glared as the shard.

'Just one cut!' I thought. Just one cut would end it all. No one would have to worry about me, or miss things to tend to me. No one would have to fear me running away or ruining anything. They'd be free to live a burden free life. Rian wouldn’t have to baby anyone, or babysit. Julie wouldn’t have to fuss over being affectionate. My dad wouldn’t have to worry about me leaving again. The band wouldn’t have to worry about Rian freaking out. Cass wouldn't have to worry about me. Jack would be able to drink the world away without me stopping him. And Alex would get to forget about our past, and find someone who he really wants to be with, instead of someone who needs him.

"JASEY WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, PLEASE!" Alex screamed, the sound of his hands smacking drywall as he stumbled over the top step and fell forward. The boom echoing down the hallway and to my ears. The blade twirling in my fingers as I sat back and held it in between my thumb and forefinger.

But every second I sat there. Every second I cried. The more I thought. And the more I realized just how much better everyone's lives would be with me gone. Tammy may have had it out for me, but maybe she knew I was doing nothing to my friend’s lives but making them miserable. And now, I could make it up to them, and let their troubles slip away. It'd be so easy; the answer had been under my ass all along. All I had to do was just one, simple, long, slice, and that was it. No more pain, no more teasing, or taunting, no more tears, no more blood, fights, screaming matches, no more anything! Just peace. 'It'd be so easy.' I thought as I swallowed the lump that collected in my throat and held the blade tighter between my fingers. The cold metal felt as though covered in slime as I ran my fingers of my second hand over the dewed drops my tears had made on the small shard. The last thought crossing my mind as I rolled my left wrist into view, a few mere words that came to mind. 'You are so beautiful Jasey Rae Dawson...' His voice said as it ran through my mind.

"JASEY ARE YOU IN THERE?" Alex screamed, his voice dripping in desperation as he pounded on the door. The lock began to fiddle as I looked down at my wrist. A suppressed sob jabbing its way past my lips and I shut my eyes. 'Don't think for a moment that it doesn't upset me when you do something like this to yourself, because you’re indirectly hurting me as well...' He said in my head as I shook my tears and placed the razor lightly to my skin. The metal edge kissing the bend of my wrist.

"I'm so sorry-"

"JASEY NO!" Someone screamed. The bathroom door being thrown open as a hand grabbed my wrist and forced the razor to fall to the tile floor with a clang.

"STOP!" I screeched, ripping my eyes open as arms wrapped around me, twisting and pulling me back as the fallen razor grew father from my grasp. All while I screamed and clawed the air. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I screamed at the top of my lungs as the words shredded my throat in passing. The arms bounding around my body pulled me farther away as skin brushed skin and my blood began to boil. "NO ALEX!" I screamed as it came out now a tortured sob as my tears took over. "LET ME DIE ALEX, PLEASE!"

"JASEY NO I'M NOT LETTING YOU DO THIS!" He screeched over my pitched scream as I began to kick and trash my body. Trying to get free. Trying to end my life. Trying to end my pain. Everyone’s pain.

"ALEX, I WANT TO DIE! LET ME DIE, I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYMORE!" I screamed as my tears stung my cheeks. I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to die. I didn't deserve this.

"NO!" Alex screamed. His arms releasing me as I instantly lunged forward and grabbed the razor. Turning to see Alex's bloodshot eyes, and I froze. His jaw trembled as his lip quivered. His dewy brown eyes fixated on the razor placed in my palm. "Why?" He asked. His voice breaking as it was scratched. His tears slowly trickling down his cheeks like slowly falling rain.

"Because... It needs to be done." I said sternly. The certainty in my tone visibly scaring Alex. I watched as his eyes continuously filled with tears as old ones leaked, waiting to be replaced by new ones as he shook his head. Body sinking into the door frame with a heavy thud.

"Why Jasey?" He mumbled, his tone small and timid as I looked down at the razor.

"This needs to end." I said. "I need to end."

"YOU CAN'T JUST DO THAT!" Alex screamed now. His eyes still pouring tears as his body leaked a concoction of emotions. "YOU CAN'T JUST END YOUR LIFE LIKE THAT!"

"WHY NOT ALEX?" I screeched, my eyes piercing through his like two silver daggers as my tears streamed from my eyes, "WHY CAN'T I DO THIS, I DESERVE THIS!"

"NO YOU DON'T JASEY!" He screamed, his desperate pitch quickly matching mine as he tried maintaining an angry tone, "YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO YOURSELF!"

"AND WHY NOT?" I screamed clutching the razor as it slit my palm, my rage boiling too hot for my mind to even acknowledge the pain, "HOW DOES WHAT I DO EVEN EFFECT YOU ALEX, WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH!?"

"BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE YOU JASEY RAE!" He cried. The boy instantly falling to his knees as his sobs took over. His few words molding into the folds of my mind as the sliver of silver fell to the floor with a quiet pang. "I love you Jasey, why can't you see that what you’re doing is killing me!"

"You what?" I gasped with a shaky breath as I slid to my knees. Alex's face hidden well in his hands as he continued to sob. All previous thoughts being washed from my mind as I sat.

"I love you Jasey..." He muffled through his palms as my heart began to race a mile a minute. "I love you, I always have, and I always will!"

"Alex-" I choked clasping a hand over my mouth as I shook my head. "Alex, you don't mean that-"

"YES I DO!" He cried snapping his eyes to mine. "I love you Jasey Rae Dawson, not as a friend, or a pal, but as in, I've fallen madly, deeply, desperately, head over heels in love with you since the day I met you!"

"No Ale-"

"Yes!" He sobbed scooting forward across the shared plastic as he clutched my bleeding hand with a shaky breath. "I love everything about you, and everything you do, and I can't handle not having you in my life, and I mean that."

"Alex-"

"PLEASE JASEY, JUST LET ME SPEAK!" He begged as his eyes leaked tears. My head nodding as he cupped my jaw. The soft traces of crimson from my palm transferring from his hand as he held my face. "I told you before that I won’t let you do this, and I meant it, I can't lose you again, in anyway, and honestly I don't care if you feel the same way, or if you ever will... But I can't go another day without telling you that I am in love with you Jasey... And that’s all that there is to it." He spoke calmly now, as if every fiber of his being was forcing his mouth to form the proper words as he went along. "That's why I do the things I do, and go to the lengths I do to show you that, just hoping you'll open your damn eyes and see that everything your birth mother said was total and utter fucking bullshit! That people can AND DO love you with everything they have..." He whispered scooting the last mere inches closer as our knees began to touch. "And I'm living proof."

"Ale-"

"I'm so sorry..." He rushed. My eyes widening as he got to his feet. The elder boy's eyes wide as balloons as he took staggered back steps to the door. Mouth slapping open and shut as his tongue juggled his words. "I-I'm so sorry, I ha-have to go." He spat. "Forget I said anything."

And in that instant.

He was gone.

Notes

SAYYY WHAATT!!!

what a bomb to be dropped!


-
as promised..
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-Sarah