No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

"Well..." Alex sighed, killing the engine of his car and freeing the keys from the ignition. "This is it..." He muttered softly. Though my mind never held his words as I looked up at the scene around me. The sea of mourning citizens clothed in black flooding towards the casket set with flowers and shrines on display turned something in my stomach.

"Yeah..." I breathed, cautiously blinking my eyes of any threatening tears. "This is it." I said, starting the silence. The mixture of our breathing neither soothing nor comfortable for either of us as we both stared out at the cemetery. After breaking what little wall I had left Alex managed to convince me into going to the second leg of the funeral. Convincing me that the first step in accepting that Marc is gone is to say goodbye.

And this was it. This was my last goodbye.

"You okay?" Alex asked quietly, reaching over and squeezing my hand as I looked out at the burial grounds, biting my lip as I silently nodded my head. "Hey..." He whispered, jolting our conjoined hands to bring my gaze to his. His soft smile pulling as he brushed a free hand over my cheek. "You just say the word if it gets too much and I'll get you out of there, okay?" He asked softly as I nodded my head again. "If it gets too much do you promise to tell me?"

I bit my lip as I nodded once again, "I promise..." I whispered. Silently waiting as Alex leaned over to peck my nose.

"I'm proud of you Jasey, okay, I know this is hardest on you, I'm not trying to baby you but you need to see that I'm just trying to keep you from getting to close, your strong, I'll be the first to admit it!" He smiled as I dropped my gaze letting him finish, "but sometimes, when something means a lot to you, like Marc, you just don't know when to back down..."

His words filled my head as I looked back at my hissy fit. I wasn't quite sure what started it or why I reacted the way I did to my own brother placing his hand to my shoulder but I did. Like the one notion popped a cork on all this built up anger I had inside me and I took the opportunity to take it out on anyone and everyone I laid eyes on. Even Rian and Alex who most of all had done nothing but try to help me get through this. The sudden thought of how much extra stress I had been pressing on the two flooded my head as I glanced up at Alex.

His warm eyes sinking into mine as my lip began to quiver. "I'm so sorry Alex..." I breathed. Dropping his hand, he quickly un-buckled his seatbelt and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. Shocking me. "Alex," I sighed shutting my eyes, laying a hand on his arm as it crossed over my chest. "I'm so sorry I snapped like that..."

His head snapped up at my few muttered words. A cloud of emotions began to smoke through his eyes as he began to shake his head. "Jasey, it’s okay..." He told me as I shook my own.

"It's not..." I told him. Alex's mouth dropped open but before he could squeeze a single letter in, I cut him off. "You don't deserve to be snapped at like that, not today, not ever..." I fumbled, eyes shifting from my lap to his reddening orbs making my heart shatter. "I known all too well how what happened sucked, for all of us, but that’s not an excuse for me to have been a bitch to you..."

"Yes it is Jasey..." Alex cooed, shifting awkwardly in his driver's seat to swipe my tears that had fallen. "It's all the excuse in the world... Trust me."

"But, Alex..." I choked. Feeling the tears bubble within once again as I sat sinking into my seat. The look on Alex's face when I snapped flooding back. His hurt expression etched in my mind. The pain in his voice as he thought just hours ago he was about to watch me walk away again. Alex hushed me, snapping off my seatbelt before climbing over the console and somehow managing to place me in his lap as best he could. "I don't want to hurt you again..." I whispered. His pain filled orbs looking back at me in my mind.

"And you won’t..." He whispered comfortingly. "I've told you before, nothing you do can ever hurt me like losing you would..."

"But I was thinking of leaving..." I whispered. The defeat in my mind stained my tone as Alex tightened his grip and placed his head to my shoulder.

"You were thinking of a lot of things..." He stated. "But you won’t leave... Ri-ght?" He asked. The single word breaking in two as his voice shook. I quickly pulled my head away from Alex to see his darkened orbs and fallen frown. I shook my head on instinct as I held his face.

"Right..." I whispered, Alex's hand following mine as I ran it up his chest to rest on his shoulder. "I would be dumb to leave the few people who are willing to put up with me..." I finished, eyes blinking up at his.

He may deny it. But a small smile pulled at Alex's lips in that moment. A spark snapped in the back of his eyes as he pressed his lips firmly to mine in a swift peck. His breath hot as it fanned against my lips whilst pulling away. "I will always be willing to put up with you Jay." He breathed against my lips as I sighed a laugh.

"Don't get to crazy there..." I smiled. For the first time in why felt like ages I smiled. A true genuine, subconscious, real smile. A smile I didn't think about doing or forced as it seamlessly spread across my lips.

"It's true..." Alex dragged, with a playful smile even though his tone stayed soft. "I would deal with your shenanigans for the rest of my life Jasey Rae Dawson..." He murmured as my cheeks stained red. My head shook as Alex laughed again. "I mean it, everything my grandmother had said about my life, me being a musician and not ever being able to sit behind a desk becomes more of a reality every gig me and the guys play." He said, hooking a finger under my chin as he connected our eyes. His smile growing on his face. "So kill me for hoping, but a kids gotta dream right..." He shrugged, teeth digging into his lower lip. "I hope she is right, I mean, would marrying me be all that awful?" He asked.

To mess with the boy, I bit my lip as I let out a hum. His smile dropped ever so slightly as I glanced his torso and face up and down. As if to be evaluating him before I shrugged. "I mean, you're no Patrick Dempsey..." I rolled. Alex's smile falling as he narrowed his eyes. False anger filling the teen towards the Gray's Anatomy actor after I had mentioned I preferred the fictional doctor's hair over his own. My own smile blooming as I looked up at Alex. "But, I guess you'll do..."

"Gee, thanks!" Alex scoffed as I rolled my eyes. Giggling to myself at his mock hurt.

"Oh, shut up you..." I laughed, snaking my arms around his neck to awkwardly pull him in for a quick kiss. "I wouldn't trade you for some air head doctor..."

"Yes you would!" Alex laughed as he placed a hand to my hip. Eyes smiling down on me.

"I swear!" I laughed. A single hand shifted to comfortably hold his jaw. "If Patrick Dempsey offered to sweep me away, I'd at least ask to bring you with me..." I joked. Alex's eyes rolling as he poked his tongue out at me making me giggle. "I'm kidding Lex; I wouldn't trade you for anything..."

At that Alex smirked, single brow lifted. "Not even immortality?" He asked. My own laugh bubbling again at the thought of how unlikely it would ever be that I would want to stay on this earth forever. The thought running through my mind as I shook my head.

"Not even for immortality..." I smiled. Alex's smirk slipped into a grin just as a knock rippled through the car, causing both Alex and I to jump out of our skin.

"DAMN IT JACK!" Alex cursed as I looked up from my lap. Hand clutching my chest as I gasped at Jack's cheery grin as it sat on the other side of the glass window.

"YOU GUYS COMING?" He yelled through the glass as Alex and I let out a unison sigh, the elder nodding his head as he reached for the handle.

"We'll meet you over there..." Alex muttered as he popped the door open just a tad so not to yell. "Just give us a moment..." He said. Jack nodded before taking off and joining Rian and our parents further down the hill we sat atop of.

"Thank you..." I whispered. My eyes falling to my lap as Alex slowly pushed the passenger side door open.

"For what?" He asked softly as I slid my ratty converse from the car to the damp concrete. A sigh passing my lips as he lifted my hips from his lap and assisted me in getting out of his car. I grabbed onto the door as I straightened out my dress and stepped away from the vehicle enough for Alex to climb out on his own, straightening the pleats of his dress pants. My eyes sliding up his torso to meet his own to see they were already locked on mine as I sighed again.

"Just... Thank you..." I muttered, taking a few steps closer to my boyfriend as he smiled down on me from a towering height. The difference making me roll to my toes in order to wrap my arms securely around his neck in a loving hug. "For everything..." I whispered against his neck before softly kissing the skin. A soft chuckle leaving Alex as he placed his hands to the base of my spine. His touch so tender you would have thought he was afraid to break me.

"You ready for this?" He asked nervously. Now, the reason for his gentle hold clear as day as he tip toed around the sensitive subject. Not making a sound, I simply nodded my head and listened to him sight. But as he slowly stepped away, so did my grip on the situation.

It was almost as if the moment he stepped away, I lost my grip on reality. Everything began to spin as I grew light-headed and felt a sudden wave of pure nausea wash over me. Alex's hand tangling in mine as he stepped forward. My free hand going to my gut as I gasped, blinking at my blurred vision and felt my fear begin to over whelm me.

I had no idea what was going on. My mind was racing and my heart was pounding against my rib-cage as breathing became harder, and harder. I could feel sweat collecting on my forehead as I felt absolutely winded and stopped in my place. Hand clutching Alex's, grip tightened to draw his attention. Gasping his name he swiftly stopped walking and glanced over at me. My eyes wide, lips trembling. "Alex..." I froze, the toes of my shoes touching the grass as my legs refused to move. Head shaking as Alex jolted to my side. "Alex, I- I- I can't do this!"

"Jasey, what do you mean?" He rushed, confusion washing over his face as I could so rapidly slip from being in control to a hyperventilating, sweating mess. His face showing he was just as at lost for an explanation as I.

"I- I don't know, but I- I can't!" I stuttered, clutching onto Alex's arm as I leaned back against the car. "I think I have to stay here..." I breathed.

"Jasey, you look really pale, are you feeling okay?" He rushed his hands shifting to cup my face giving me a glimpse of support as I leaned my cheek into his touch.

"Ye-yeah..." I breathed, nodding my head as he held it in his hands. "I just need to clear my head is all..." I muttered, glancing up at Alex from behind thick lashes as his eyes filled with concern. "Go... I'll meet you down there." I whispered.

"Are you sure?" He asked. The potent worry clear in his tone.

"Alex..." I sighed, reaching up and placing a hand over the back of his. "I'm sure, if it would make you feel better, if I'm not down there in fifteen minutes, you can come and get me..." I muttered. Knowing well Alex wouldn't just let me skip the ceremony after all the convincing he had gone through to get me there in the first place.

Alex was silent for a moment. My eyes shifted upwards to see his closed eyelids growing closer to mine till his lips were pressed softly against my own. The initial shock wearing off almost instantly as I wrapped my arms around his neck. Realizing this was the first time since Marc's death I had kissed Alex. Actually kissed him, not a like a timid, needed kiss or a swift peck, but a real kiss. And it made me realize just how much I had been pushing him away. And most importantly, how much I subconsciously missed Alex's kisses.

His lips moving so slowly against mine it was more like a series of slow individual kisses as opposed to a rushed exchange. His movements soft and timid as if he was savoring the feeling of my lips pressed to his for the very last time. Trying to memorize the feeling. My movements. My lips. To keep in the locked safe of his mind forever. I held onto the back of his neck and pulled him closer for a moment as I matched his almost painstakingly slow pace before I felt him peck my lips and pull away with a deep inhale.

His hot breath mingling with mine as we both took slow breaths before he nodded his head against my forehead gently saying, "fifteen minutes." Biting my lip I nodded in agreement. "Fifteen minutes and I'm coming back for you..."

I understood why he was worried. After all I had been pulling. The meltdown earlier in the week. The not going to school. The hissy fit that morning. I was a flight risk in waiting. "Okay..." I whispered. Alex sent me a sad smile before softly kissing my forehead.

I glanced up at Alex as he slowly turned and walked towards the burial. Glancing over his shoulder ever twenty strides or so to make sure I hadn't taken off. Letting my head hang low I made my way around the front of the car, quietly sliding onto the tan hood of Alex's shit box. The distant sounds of the priest flooding up the hill as they were carried by the rustling breeze.

I ran a hand through my hair as I took slow, thoughtful breaths. My eyes trailing to the base of the hill where the ceremony was being held. Mother holding onto father. Friend to friend. Child to parent. All going through their own wave of grief at the loss of the one life. Looking back down at my palms, I cringed at a single droplet hitting my skin. "Don't cry Jasey..." I whispered to myself, swiping a thumb under my eye to rid the runny water. 'He wouldn't want you to cry' Andrea's comforting voice rang through my head as I released a sad smile. So caught up in my internal conversation I never heard the soft clicking off heels on the tarmac, that was, until 'it' spoke up.

"Shouldn't you be over there?" The voice sung. My fists clenched at the vile sound of the smirk.

No. No way was she here. No way could she have thought showing up here would be okay in any way shape or form. My nails digging into my palms leaving impressed crescent moons. "What are you doing here..." I seethed, venom dripping from my lips as I glared up into her eyes and repeated my thought.

"What are you doing here... Tammy?"

Notes