"I got to go over there!" I muttered to myself as I paced across the living room floor. "He has to know how I feel, right?"

"Of course, don't be stupid!" I smacked a palm to my face as I continued the never ending argument with myself that I had been encased in since the previous day.

Alex loves me. He told me so. Then he ran. He doesn't know I love him... He never got the chance to know. But he needs to know. He needs to know I love him too. I owe everything to him, literally, without him who knows what I would have done with that razor. Who knows how far I would have gone had he not stopped me. He has a right to know how I feel, but still, he was making that quite difficult.

Running from me after confessing his feelings and not giving me a moment to breathe let alone tell him I felt the same way was not a great start. Then today, in school he avoided me like the plague as opposed to his usual 'attached at the hip' closeness he prefers. What, did he think I didn't feel the same way?

Was he really fearful that I would reject him and just cut him off? I would think after all this he would know me better than that. He would have never gotten so close to me if I didn't feel the way I do.

But there was only one way to fix this.

"I got to go tell him..." I mumbled as my pace fell into the hallway, and halted at the door. I let out a deep breath as I grabbed the door handle. Closing my eyes for a moment I took the time to really soak in what I was about to do. I was really about to tell Alex Gaskarth I loved him. It wasn't that I don't, I surly do... But it was a big moment I just needed a second to take in. After I opened that door, there was no closing it, no going back. Alex and I would have broken down another set of walls, I would have given myself to someone in some way I never had before. Exposed myself in a new light. But that’s exactly what I wanted. "Here goes nothing..." I sighed, pulling the door open.

My feet shuffling across the cold wooden porch as I hopped down the steps and started across the street. My eyes trained on the flickering lights behind the flimsy living room curtains as the TV played an image. In Heinz sight I probably should have had a better game plan then just knocking on his door and hoping the perfect words would spill from my mouth. But hey! That didn't stop me from tapping that door and watching as my mind drew blank.

My eyes cut to the dusty off white curtain as it swayed from within the home. The soft sounds of the TV cutting off as I heard Alex's heavy steps. 'This is it...' I thought. My eyes glued to the wooden door as I watched the nob turn in what felt like slow motion before it was pulled back into the house. Alex soon stepping into view as I was slightly knocked back by his appearance.

His usually perfectly manicured hair was shaggy and lifeless as it stuck up in random places. Some patches pressed flat from the force of a hard surface or a pillow. His sweat pants sagged far past his hips as they hid his feet. His loose fitting Taking Back Sunday shirt bared a rather large grease stain in the center of his chest making the dying tee seem even more undesirable. But nothing about his appearance compared to the pale washed look of his complexion. Under his eyes were bloodshot and blue, veins poking out from the soft skin as they darkened the deep set circles making it look like as though he hadn't slept in days.

He looked like.... Shit.

I could tell from today Alex hadn't been looking his best. But with the great distance he was sure to always keep between us, I never quite saw how disheveled he truly looked. Blinking at the boy I waited for the image to change, for the ever perfect projection of the boy standing before me to return. But when what I was seeing failed to change my mouth dropped open. The classic pitifulness of my speechless stutter surfacing as always.

Scratching at the back of his neck, Alex decided to take matter into his own hands as I fumbled with it in my grasp. Clearing his throat he took a step back into the dark home. "Want to come in?" He offered. His voice breaking my heart, the rough words were raw and scratchy as his voice crackled. Deciding against trusting my voice, I nodded my head. Surprised as Alex then leaned out onto the porch and softly took my hand in his own and lead me into the front hall.

I looked up at Alex's tired, red eyes as he blinked at me for a moment before brushing past, hand still holding mine to shut the door. The latch clicking before Alex turned for the staircase, pulling me in tow behind him without another word. The two of us remaining silent all while we climbed the steps and wandered to the confines of his bedroom. The room as equally unkempt as his physical appearance. Alex dropped my hand as I remained in the doorway, taking in the scene before me.

More cloths than usual were thrown across the floor, the articles spilling from the dresser like a running waterfall as every drawer was ripped open. Random objects swept off his desk and thrown against the wall were strewn across the carpet. Two or three posters had been ripped from the walls in a manner only large strips were now crumbled and missing leaving the edges still taped to the paint. What broke my heart was what I saw when I took a step closer to where he sat on the edge of his bed, head hidden in his hands, and heard the crunch of shattered glass under my foot.

Lifting my dirty sneaker, I glanced down at something I never thought I would see. Two photos cropped into a single frame side by side. The images tearing me apart.

The first being a photo of Alex and I his first Christmas in the United States. Both if us having just turned eight stood with eager grins in front of a Christmas tree. Alex standing taller than me even then as an arm draped around my narrow shoulders. His second hand held up in an enthusiastic "thumbs up" as I mocked the motion. My hidden arm tucked around his waist. The second being a much more... Recent photo.

The photo being taken by none other than Alex's mother for I had never seen the image, nor was I aware it had ever been taken. The colorful ink capturing a moment between Alex and me earlier that year, before everything blew up in all our faces. I stood sideline at one of my first few soccer games of the year. I remember it well. We were playing one of our toughest competitions, a private all-girl's school from Brooklandville, Maryland. Maryvale Preparatory Academy. Alex stood facing me, his height towering over mine even with the useless added height from my cleats. His hands holding onto either side of my face, pads of his fingers resting on the red pre-wrap all my team mates used as headbands to pull back the fly-aways from my French braid.

I remember Alex giving me a specific pep-talk before that game. Just as portrayed in the photo. Just as always, he was the one to calm me down and bring things into perspective for me. But as I crouched down and lifted the shattered frame, I realized it was my turn to do just that for him.

Looking up at Alex I watched his glazed eyes lift to me. His lip quivered ever so slightly at the sight of the frame as he dropped his head to his hands. "I'm so sorry..." He muffed. His quiet cry caused my eyes to burn at the mere sound. I quickly dropped the frame, not caring of the shattered shards of glass as I took off towards Alex. Holding his head in my hands now, I carefully slid into his warm lap to keep his focus fixated. Looking up at me, tears continued to leak from Alex's eyes as he cried. "I'm so sorry Jasey!"

"Please don't cry Lex..." I begged as I held Alex's head to my shoulder. Wrapping my arms securely around his larger frame as he began to violently sob. Hushing him, I rubbed a hand down his spine. "Please, don't cry." Alex pulled his head off my shoulder as he gasped for air. My left hand shifting to carelessly hold his jaw. "Alex, please, I'm sorry!"

"Why Jasey?" He gasped. His hand shifting up to clasp over my own as his steady tears glided past our fingertips. "Why did you do it?"

Clenching my eyes shut I felt my moist tears drip onto the apples of my cheeks as my body trembled. "I-I didn't t-think it would-d matter..." I whispered knowing all too well that’s all my tone could handle. I felt one of Alex's hand tightly grasp my jaw. Thumb falling right before my ear as his fingers circled around the back of my neck.

"Didn't think it would matter?" Alex repeated in a shaky tone. "Didn't think it would matter?" He asked harshly, his grip tightening ever so slightly as I gasped, tears silently slipping from my eyes. "How could you think taking your own fucking life wouldn't matter Jasey!?" He snapped, nails digging roughly into my skin making me yelp.

"OW! Alex stop!" I gasped. "You're hurting me!" I cried. His hand ripping from my neck at the mere sound. My hand reached up to run over the crescent moon shaped imprints on my skin as I cried harder.

"Jas-Jasey..." Alex gasped, his hand flinching as he battled with whether he could as much as touch me anymore. "Jasey, baby, I'm so sorry... I di- I didn't even know I did it!"

"I just wanted the pain to stop Alex!" I spilled. My eyes ripping open to lock onto Alex's horrified expression. My tears poured from my eyes as my body trembled uncontrollably. My hands shaking with fear, and rage, and pain as I sobbed. "I was just so sick of all the pain being forced upon me; I just wanted some fucking control over my own suffering Alex!" I screamed. My hand reaching up to tangle in my matted locks before I yelped giving my hair a sharp tug. "I JUST WANTED CONTRO-"

"JASEY STOP!" Alex yelled. His hands snapping to roughly pull mine from my hair. "STOP JASEY, BREATHE!" Alex instructed, restraining my wrists as I tried to claw at my arms as I frantically sobbed.

My now vibrant blood shot eyes pierced through Alex's own reddened copper tone orbs as I cried. "I just wanted the pain to stop!" I sobbed. Alex quickly hushed me as he collected my boney frame in his arms and pulled my chest flush against his own. Crying into the dirty fabric of his shirt, I surly left streaks of mascara on the already dark fabric. Instead of continuing the inevitable argument, Alex stayed quiet.

His arms bound tightly around me as he let me sob, and cry, and whimper. The two of us sitting in remote silence, me still perched on his lap for what felt like hours. The silent second dragging on as my sobs slowly disintegrated into gentle sniffles and slow falling tears. It was then, some half hour or less later that Alex decided to speak up again. Words muffled by his face being hidden into the crevice of my neck. "Can I... See?" He asked carefully. My eyes snapping shut at his few words as I silently shook my head into his neck. Listening as Alex sighed, the tips of his fingers slowly trailing a calming touch up and down my spine. "I want to help you get through your pain Jasey," he whispered softly as he trailed circles through the back of my hoodie. "But to do that I have to understand it. All of it."

"But- t-there old A-Alex..." I whimpered into his neck.

"I know Jasey," he breathed. The silence swelling around us again as he rubbed circles on my back. The endearing tingling of the sensation replacing the numbness I had been feeling for the previous week or so. Just the feeling of his hands trailing down my back brought me the sensational tickle of knowing I wasn't alone. The warm feeling soon being replaced by his few chosen words. "But... Can I see them?" He asked again softly as I scrunched up my features and persistently shook my head once again. The wordless action making Alex sigh into my hair. "Why not?" He whispered ever so softly.

"You don't understand Alex," I whimpered. My tears burning holes through my eyes as my bones gently trembled. Alex hugged me tighter, urging me to make him understand. "Once you see them... You'll never see me the same way."

I heard Alex's breath circle in his chest as he held it. His head shaking in disbelief as I filled the would have been silence with my constant sniffling. "Jasey, what I told you yesterday..." Alex started in a hushed tone as my own breath tripped at the mention of the previous day. "I meant." He gushed. Heat swelling in my chest as it tip toed to my cheeks turning them a vibrant shade of ruby. "I care about Jasey Rae, I care so much about you and every aspect of you, scars or not. Nothing." He paused. His hand lifting to gently caress the area he had accidentally marked before. The guilt radiating off of his tough as he sighed. "And I mean nothing; can change how I view you."

I bit my lip to muffle a gasped hiccup as I shook my head. "Jasey," Alex called now. His hand slid to pinch my chin ever so slightly, forcing my tear eyes to his own. "Scars are scars; it doesn't matter to me if they’re from falling off a bike, or a blade. A scar is a scar. I just want to see yours" Glancing down, I blinked my teary eyes with a pout as I watched my left wrist pressed protectively to my chest. Alex's hand soon clasped over the back of my hand, forcing our eyes to connect once again. "Please?" He begged softly, his eyebrows lifted in the slightest. I sighed before glancing back down at my arm. After all these years was I really going to show Alex the one aspect of my body I kept more private then my own boobs? Was I really going to open up to him after he had run off yesterday? But then again. He said he meant what he said. That he cared. And after all he had been through for me, was I- or would I ever be in a place to as much as question his loyalty. I bit my lip as I leaned forward, my head resting into the crook of Alex's neck for a moment before I nodded, releasing my death grip on my own wrist.

Watching me carefully, I say back up and allowed Alex to softly take my forearm in his hands. He glanced up at me again, as if to ask for final permission to in which I solemnly nodded. In response, Alex reached across, taking my left and in his own while using his right to push back the thick sleeve of my hoodie. I curled forward, resting my head on Alex's chest and watched as three small lines slowly came into view whilst I waited for Alex's response.

A response which was like no other. Taking a moment, Alex slowly pushed my sleeve to my elbow as if searching for more than the three small, aged marks before silently rubbing a thumb over the puffy tissue. "They aren't that scary..." Were his first few words as he prodded at the markings. A small sigh leaving Alex's lips before he kissed the top of my head reassuringly. “It’s just fibrous tissue."

I sat up as Alex took my wrist in his hands and placed my small hand to his lips,gently kissing my knuckles before pulling it across from him so my fingers sat nearest his opposite shoulder. Looking up at me with wide eyes, Alex dipped his head to softly press his lips to my scars before muttering. "I still think you just as beautiful as were the day I met you..." He whispered as he softly placed my hand back between our two laps.

Shifting ever so slightly as I bit my lip. "Uh-uhm, Alex?" I breathed nervously as Alex looked up at me questioningly. "Can I just- uhm, can I just try something?" I muttered, he looked up at me confused for a moment but almost as quickly caught on to what I was trying to do.

He nodded and smiled his lopsided grin as I searched his orbs for that secret spark I knew he hid. I was still sat in his lap, his arms around my waist as I shifted telling him it was okay as he grinned and slid his hands into my back pockets. I took a hard swallow as I slid my hands up to cup his jaw, I was shaking slightly as my breath folded over. "I- I have always favored you over any boy Alex..." I stuttered as I slowly leaned my face closer to his. My entire body temperature rising with every millimeter his lips grew closer to mine. "It was never hard to see you were the only one that caught my eye..." I whispered, my hot breath fanning over his lips as I watched them quiver in anticipation. His face flushing the same shade of ruby as mine as I took a deep breath through my nose. My nerves welting up inside my stomach in a manner I was afraid if I as much as opened my mouth again to speak butterflies would swarm the room.

I glanced up from his waiting lips to find his eyes already locked on mine. Their golden color darkening in desire as I trembled in his grasp. Kissing Alex was never as big a fuss as this was now. But it wasn't as much the kiss that had my head reeling and my stomach tied in knots as it was what I wanted the kiss to say. But I took my needed leap of faith as my lips brushed his, not yet molded to a proper kiss, but touching just enough for me to mumble my one last thought. "I love you Alex Gaskarth..." I whispered; just quiet enough to hear the breath catch in his throat. "I love you with every fiber of my being, I wouldn't even be here today if it wasn't for the love I have for you..."

My last words hitting his lips before I crashed them with mine. The two pairs slotting together in harmony as my eyes fluttered shut. Alex froze for a moment as I took the chance to savor his touch. His lips were as warm and soft as ever as I pressed my lips flush against his own. Freezing myself for a moment as his hands slid from my pockets. Fear enveloping me in that he no longer felt the same way. That I missed my window of opportunity. But just as I pulled my lips from his, his large hands cupped my face and forced them to meet again.

Alex immediately moving his lips against mine with a new level of lust seeping from his lips. Pushing back into the kiss to match his pressure I felt my butterflies seep from my skin as they evaporated into the steamy air. And as cliché as it sounds, it felt like a thousand fireworks were set off behind my eyelids as his tongue slid across my lower lip. Taking his chance as I let him in, Alex slid his hands to my hips and rolled us back onto the bed. Our lips parting as my spine hit the mattress with a flush of force I hadn't seen coming. But in the same instant Alex stole my attention as he crawled over my smaller figure. Hips straddling mine as his hand found my face. A calloused thumb brushing across my cheek as I had to hold onto his shoulders in attempts to catch my breath.

"I love you Jasey..." He breathed as I opened my eyes to see his tender gaze. His few words pulling an involuntary grin from my body as I shifted to hold his jaw in my hands.

"I love you too Alex..." I muttered each word as I slowly lowered his lips to mine till they crashed once again. His tongue instantly slipping passed my lips as I tangled my fingers through the back of his hair. The soft locks on the base of his neck wrapping around my fingers to keep me grounder as he deepened the kiss. Having no control, a soft moan fell past as Alex caught my lower lip between his teeth and began to tug. My grip on his hair tightening before he softly let it slip and reconnecting our kiss.

I was quickly losing my breath again, but I no longer cared. I wanted this, I needed this. I needed Alex. After months of pointless butting of heads, I couldn't push him away for another second. I moved one of my hands to his lower back and pushed him closer to me, closing the few centimeters of air between our bodies as I felt Alex grind down against my hips, making me moan once again. Alex chuckled as he froze for a moment before he did it again and pulled away.

"I'm sorry I ran away from you yesterday..." He muttered against my lips. His breath hot and heavy as he caught a stable pattern of breathing. Grinning once over, he softly pecked a kiss before sitting up.

A soft sound between a groan and a whimper passing my lips as I looked up at him, still sat between my knees with a rosy blush dewed on his cheeks. "It’s fine..." I whispered, not able to force my tone an octave louder as I sat up on my elbows and took in Alex's presence. Everything from the small smirk ghosting across his lips, to the way he had begun to pull at the bottom of his shirt making me laugh. "But Alex?" I asked softly looking up at him as I say upright. "Why do you, you know look like- well..." I sighed, my hand lifting to motion to his overall appearance as he dragged a hand through his hair.

"Shit?" He concluded as I nodded my head with the bite of my lip. Alex took a deep breath as he leaned over and wrapped his arms around my back. Maneuvering the two of us to be both lying on our sides, facing one another. There was a long break in his speech as we lied their silently, Alex running a hand softly over be cheek before he would continue again. Looking up at me, "Yesterday was just a lot..." He explained. "From starting off with thinking you were going to run away again, to thinking I had convinced you to stay, to seeing how close I was to losing you forever. I just didn't know how to take it all in."

Soaking his words in a nodded thoughtfully as I glanced up at Alex. My sympathy swelling in my eyes as I muttered a soft, "I'm so sorry." But Alex was quick to shake his head.

Refusing my words Alex went on. "But what I said Jasey, it just slipped out..." He whispered, pulling his gaze away from mine. "I never intended to say that, and I didn't even think of what I was saying when I did." I let my eyes slip shut as he shifted to hold me close, as if feeling my unease. "But after I said it, and went on that rant, I realized just how much I meant it. And it scared me. It scared the living shit out of me, and that’s why I ran Jasey."

"It's okay to be scared Alex..." I told him gently as he shook his head once again.

"Jasey, I know what I am feeling is genuine and true, but it’s as true as it is terrifying. I mean they say love has no age, but if asked, how could I deny that we are young, and with being young we are inexperienced. Just throwing it out their made it all that more real to me." He spilled, his eyes blinking rapidly as his heart physically quivered against my chest. "I became so terrified that I said it too soon. That you didn't feel the same way, that you couldn't feel the same way, that I thought I ruined everything. I thought I lost you..."

I let my heavy eyes slip shut as I took deep breaths. Contemplating each possible word carefully in my head. "Is that why you tore your room apart Alex?"

Sighing, Alex nodded his head against my own. "I couldn't help it Jay. I was freaking out. All that had happened so quickly. Thinking I had just lost the one person I cared about as something more than a pal. I was a wreck!" He fumbled. "And the picture frame..." He whispered now as his voice dropped. "I’ve had that original photo in my room since that Christmas, and looking at that how much we had grown, and grown together. I lost it, just thinking about not having that aspect of my life anymore." He paused. His eyes shutting for a moment before opening again and finding my own. "I love you, Jasey Rae Dawson..." Alex lulled. His tongue still testing the words as he grinned liking the sound. As if the few mere words were a recent button on his mood.

"And I love you, Alexander William Gaskarth." I grinned, playing fun at his constant use of my full name in mushy situations. Alex's grin widening as he dipped his head to softly press his lips to mine. The sweet and tender kiss meeting for just a few moments before Alex stopped mid kiss and ripped away. Eyes widening I looked up at him, asking, "What’s wrong?"

Alex smiled slightly as he shook his head only confusing me. "Nothing, I- I just messed that up," he stuttered as I furrowed my brows ever so slightly. "Can you say that last thing again?"

I took in his question for a moment as I stared blankly at him. "Uhm... What's wrong?" I said wearily, for some reason making Alex laugh.

"No..." Be said shaking his head, "before you said, 'what's wrong?'"

"I love you... Alexander... William... Gaskarth?" I repeated questionably as Alex slowly began to grin.

"And I love you... Jasey Rae, Gaskarth..."

Notes

HOW BOUT THAT FUCKING CHEESY ENDING? EH? EH?


leave me comments on your thoughts of these past few chapters is all i ask and is all im going to say seeing as im most certainly brain dead from this last week.


-Sarah