No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

That was the date. The date that now marks the day that everything I thought I knew, and everything I thought I had, was ripped out from under me.

Not even five weeks before was Marc's family gathering around a table and an intricately lit tree to celebrate life, and the meaning of it. And the importance of family and giving. Now, since five weeks had passed, they were all forced to gather again, but under much worse circumstances.

I never went to school that following Monday. I never even left my room. I just laid in my bed, falling in and out of the same restless slumber I had been in since that, that day. I just laid in bed with his hoodie clutched tightly in my hands, as if I were holding on for dear life, or desperately trying to taken in every aspect of his lingering scent on the article. Pressing it into my chest as if I somehow thought if I pressed hard enough I could shove Marc's hoodie into the gaping hole in my chest that had surfaced that dreadful day.

Over the previous two days Rian and my parents had tried every trick in the book to coax me into leaving my room. Rian even stooping as low as to frantically knock on my door claiming the house was on fire in order to get me up. But still, I just laid in bed. It was almost as if I was in a permanent trance. Sure, I was awake, and I could see things and on occasion hear them, but I didn't feel anything anymore. It was as if my entire body had gone numb to anything but the gaping hole in my chest that felt as if to be slowly sucking my in.

After a while I stopped hearing my family's pleas and my phone's ringing. That didn't mean they didn't stop, I could see my door vibrate and my phone light up, but it was as if my brain had cut off the connection to the world only making ignoring it that much easier. It wasn't like they were trying all too hard seeing as since Saturday night when I retreated to my room after being dragged home, I never actually locked my door. Only leaving to use the bathroom in the late, late hours of the night and NEVER leaving for meals or family movies meaning, it never actually got locked in those few days.

It wasn't until that Tuesday afternoon that I heard two pairs of footsteps climbing the staircase. Two combinations of steps that couldn't be my dad and Julie, or one with Rian. Which could only mean Rian had brought a friend as a last ditch effort in the battle to make me show signs of life, that did indeed get a kick from my heart. The organ swelling as it fell deeper into my chest, I could only imagine the shriveled up thing being slowly ingested by my stomach at this point with how much it had dropped. And I can only image that’s why the hole in my chest slid in so easy, it no longer had any competition. But still I stayed put, carefully listening to the muttered tones as they met the top of the staircase. The thought to quickly get up and lock my door crossing my mind but as the tones became clear, I knew it was too late.

"How is she?" A soft voice asked as their words became clear and the heavy pair of footsteps stopped outside my door. My heart sinking even lower in my chest at the tones rasp, killing me even more to be locking them all out. Biting my lip as I listened to Rian's distinct sigh I held Marc's hoodie closer to my chest.

"I haven't even seen her since Saturday..." Rian whispered as I closed my eyes feeling hot tears begin to nip at my orbs. A distressed hum coming from the second party as I listened to fingers drum against the door.

"What do you mean you haven't seen her?" The voice asked that now, clearly belonged to Alex, only worsening the hot tears flooding my eyes as I refused to let them spill. "What about dinners, and just going to the bathroom, or showering, you have to have seen her?" He argued, his tone suddenly harsh, as if he was angry with Rian for my decisions. Like he was pinning it on him.

"I hear the toilet flush at two AM constantly, so she is leaving, just not when we are around or up..." Rian muttered softly, also hearing the frustration sewn into Alex's tone as I listened to knuckles crack.

"Has she been eating?" Alex asked with a rigid, forced tone. My gut clenching at the thought as I listened to Rian sigh once again.

"I- I- I don't know..." He whispered as it barley hit my eyes. Eyes pinching shut tighter in fear Alex would blow up or simply barge in and demand I get over all this. Scream at me for being so weak and refusing to eat. Telling me how pathetic I was for not being able to face the world when I was fortunate enough to still have the opportunity. Waiting for the moment that shit would hit the fan as I heard a sigh.

"Can I talk to her...?" Alex asked in a hushed tone. Taking me by surprise at the calmness of his defeated whisper. A brief moment that must have been a passing nod as I heard a single set of footsteps retreat before a heavy sigh that was not my brother's fall passed the door. "Jasey..." Alex called softly, running his knuckles across my door as I bit my lip. "Jasey can we talk?"

Oh god.

This was it.

I listened as I heard the latch on the door click as the entry popped open. "It wasn’t even locked..." Alex mumbled to himself as his tone once again found that agitated state. Probably infuriated that no one had even bothered to try and open it till then. I kept my back to Alex as he softly patted across the carpet in silence before the mattress dipped from his added weight. And I made sure to keep my tears contained as I felt Alex coo a calming hand on my hip. "Jasey can we just talk for a moment?" He asked softly as I ignored his words. Shuffling to burry my head in the black and gold hoodie Marc had given me the day he showed me the water tower, telling Alex I was clearly awake and unwilling to talk. Ignoring my sign he sighed again and shuffled to - what sounded to be him kicking off his shoes before he slid under the covers right behind me. "Jasey please just talk to me... I thought giving you space would be a good option, but seeing you miss school again only confirmed my doubt. I remember what giving you space after your mom resulted in and Jasey I can't handle two losses..." He mumbled into my hair as he draped a warm arm hesitantly over my stomach, letting the limb relax after seeing I was merely too weak to fight his closeness at this point. "I can't stand by and let you distance yourself after finally getting you to where I've always wanted you in my life..."

His words sinking into my skin as silence passed over us. Alex purposely halting his words, allowing me to think about how my actions were not only effecting myself, but everyone around me. The boy indirectly reminding me of the stress me hiding away must be putting on the rest of our friends but more so then them, my parents. Letting out a deep breath I rolled over. Instantly getting enveloped in Alex's stable grasp as our legs tangled together letting me cuddle into his side with ease. My head falling to the mass of his shoulder as my hand fell over his beating heart. Shutting my eyes once again, I let the steady rhythm sooth my scrambled brain.

"You need to eat something Jase..." Alex whispered as I quickly ducked my head. Burrowing it closer to my hand to hide my few stray tears as they slipped down my cheeks. A heavy sigh passing his lips as he rubbed a thumb against my hip. "I'm not going to lie here and tell you that you need to go to school, and move on, and get over this because honestly, as much as that is not even my place to say that, I don't think that’s what you need right now..." He hummed kissing my head as he took a few deep breaths. "I think you need time to mourn, I know. I know what it felt like losing Tom and that empty feeling I can only imagine you feel..." He sighed sadly as I bit back a chocked sob at just the mention of the pit in my chest. "I know you will never forget Marc, and no one is asking you too, but not leaving your room, and most certainly not eating is not acceptable Jasey, and I won’t sit by and watch you starve yourself." He spoke with a slight nit of certainty in his tone.

Biting my lip I knew he was right. Not eating or even sleeping that much wasn't a healthy coping mechanism. Shutting the world out was only hurting me, it wasn't helping me grieve. All that it would result in would possibly be a repeat of my mother's passing. Tammy seeking the opportunity to strike me at my weakest point. Snatching Alex when we were distant and taking away the one person I knew now understood the emptiness I felt. Building a wall between my family and me. And if worse comes to worse. She'd go back to her old ways and simply make me feel the brunt of the guilt welting in my chest at Marc's loss, making acceptance... impossible. And when it all slipped away from me, I'd do what I've done when everything else went astray.

I'd run away.

"Jasey, Jasey, shhh, calm down, what's going on?" Alex asked lifting my head from his chest as my eyes snapped open. I hadn't even realized that my few silent tears had turned into a fit of hyperventilation in mere seconds. My dry throat began to constrict on itself as I gasped for air. Struggling through my tear blurred vision I took a fist full of Alex's shirt and willingly let the tears begin to fall. Taking every bad thought with them as they fell. "Jasey, what's going through your head?" He asked in a panic. His hands constantly readjusting their hold on my face as I continued to tremble and gasp.

"I don't wanna leave!" I choked out shaking my head as Alex quickly pulled me into his chest. Hushing sweet sounds into my ear as he rubbed my spine, trying to sooth my shaking body as I cried. "I don't w-wanna lose you Alex!" I cried, not even thinking as the words left my mouth. "Please don't leave-"

"Shh... Jasey I'm not going anywhere and neither are you..." He hushed holding me close as I tried to take deep breaths, nuzzling into his chest, no doubt leaving two deep colored spots in the soft fabric of his shirt from my leaking tears. "Why would you leave?" He asked softy rubbing my back as I began to hiccup on my forming words.

"Be- because, I -I always r- ru-un from you a-nd this town!" I hiccupped trying to stop my tears that just continued to pour from my puffy gray eyes as Alex rubbed my spine once again.

"Shh... Jasey, Jasey look at me!" He demanded softly, re-lifting my head off his chest. "Jasey, breathe... Okay look at me, breathe!" He said taking slow, deep breaths as I tried to mimic his actions. Taking long shaky breaths, slowly letting air fill my agitated lungs as I did so. "You’re gonna be okay," he soothed brushing my hair off my face, "you wanna know why?" He asked softly as if to calm a toddler, which in his defense I was acting like as I nodded. "Because you have me now, and I'm not going anywhere, I made that mistake once, and I refuse to lose you again!" He hushed pushing my hair behind my ear as I continued the deep breaths.

"Why am I such a mess Alex?" I hiccupped, finally having some form of control over my breathing as my heart continued to pound a mile a minute in my chest.

"Because you just lost your best-friend Jasey..." He answered softly as he pulled me onto his chest, letting my body mold to his as he rubbed soothing circles onto my shoulder blade. "No one expects you to be okay right now... But you and I both know shutting us all out isn't helping anything..."

I took another deep breath as my lungs wavered, he was right. And he knew it just as well as I as I nodded my head. The elder boy rubbing a hand on the back of my thigh as I lied on top of him. "You need to eat something Jase..." He whispered softly as I bit my lip.

"Will you- will you come with me?" I asked, my voice so small I wasn't even sure he could decipher the soft sounds before he nodded his head as it rested on my own.

"Of course I will..." He whispered as I nodded.

"Can I eat up here, away from Rian and my parents?" I asked, unsure if he was up to deal with my shenanigans.

"As long as you eat..." He whispered kissing the top of my head sending a spark of hope down my spine.

"Will you, stay with me...?" I asked softly, sitting up now so I was perched in his lap as he wiggled underneath me. Keeping my eyes on my hands that sat on his chest as I avoided his gaze.

"What do you mean?" He asked with a dip of defeat in his voice. His hands sliding to rest on the backs of mine as I sniffled my last few tears back into place before they could fall.

"Like with me, with me..." I squeaked as I pinched my eyes shut. Feeling him shift beneath me once again I felt my breath catch in my throat as his hand found my jaw, willing my eyes to flutter open and meet his own. Their golden color glowing in the dimly light space of my bed room as tears pricked red at their soft white edges.

"Jasey, why would you ever think I wouldn't want to be with you...?" He asked, his lip fidgeting between his teeth as he bit down on the flesh. "After all we've been through to get together; I don't think anything would make me want to be away from you..."

"But Alex..." I sighed feeling him once again brush my hair behind my ear as I shut my eyes. "Our friend died, and I reacted by shutting you out and not eating or talking for three days..." I swallowed soon after the words fell from my mouth bringing the reality of what I was doing out into the world. "I'm a pathetic excuse for a person... Why would you-"

"No!" He snapped quietly, cupping my face as he demanded my eyes to meet his, "don't you dare even say that Jasey Rae!" He seethed, anger dripping from his words even though his eyes were filled with pain and rejection as I willed myself not to cry. "Jasey, you remember what I did when Tom died, don't you?" He asked. My eyes never slipping from his as I bit my lip, "don't you?"

"Yes..." I admitted, reaching a hand up to swipe away my tears as Alex sighed. "You threw the guitar he helped pay for at your door then cried for four days because you broke it..." I recalled as Alex hummed as if to coax me into continuing. "You said..." I swallowed looking down at my lap as I searched my mind for his very words, "you said you let him down by breaking it because it was all you had left, but you broke it because you were mad at him for leaving you..."

"Exactly... Jasey, we all react differently, but what did you do when you finally came over and saw what I did?" He asked with a small smile pulling on his lips as I forced a laugh.

"I told you I would fix it and instead just painted over the patch your dad used to fix the hole in your door..." I smiled, brushing my last few tears as I realized they had stopped flowing for the first time since Saturday.

"And did you fix the guitar?" Alex smiled as I shook my head. "No, because what twelve year old girl can fix a guitar that was smashed in half..." He laughed as I nodded my head and curled back into his chest. "But now whenever I look at the white patch on my door where the paint doesn't match, I think of how nice it was to have a friend who at least tried to make me feel like things would be okay..."

"You should really put a poster over that..." I laughed taking a shaky breath as Alex rubbed a hand to my back and began to hum.

"Nah... I like that patch... It’s a little bit of you in a mess of me." He smiled into the top of my hair as I began to giggle. A smile forming on my lips as I thought back to just how big that hole in his bed room door appeared to twelve year-old me as it now seems like such an insignificant thing amongst his cluttered bedroom.

"Mess is such an appropriate word!" I laughed as Alex grinned and pulled my head off my chest. Watching my face with large eyes as they bounced around my features while I laughed and had to ask.

"What are you staring at?" I smiled as Alex grinned and leaned up to peck my nose.

"Your smile..." He told me, soft eyes radiating his bliss as I giggled and poked his cheek. "I missed you these few days Jasey..."

"I've missed you too Lex..." I hummed, crawling further up his body to bury my nose into the crook of his neck as he held me close.

"Please don't shut me out Jasey..." He whispered running a hand through my mangled hair as I sighed with a small nod. "The only thing keeping me sane right now is making sure you're okay..." He whispered as I kissed his neck.

"Thank you, Alex..." I whispered wrapping my arms around his neck as best I could in our awkward position. Just wanting to feel his warmth sink through my skin, feeling the comfort of his body pressed to mine as he held me back.

"Want me to go grab you a small something to eat?" He asked, ignoring my thanks as I nodded my head. Alex shifting from underneath me to lift me from his chest with ease before flipping me over and sliding off the bed. "I'd kiss you right now..." Alex sighed as his head appeared over mine, a small smile playing on his lips as I began to laugh.

"But I haven't showered for three days and have wicked morning breath?" I finished with a lofted brow as Alex flashed me his famous grin and pecked my forehead before slipping out the door.

I let out a sigh as I watched his figure disappear down the hall. The only thoughts cluttering my mind at the exact time were of how I ever got so lucky as to deserve someone like him in my life. There was no denying that at times I could be one of the most difficult and stubborn people to be around. My family life had been a mess and it’s not like my current one was any better, yet Alex still chose to be with me. I really didn't deserve him. I didn't think I deserved anyone to hold and to kiss and I certainly didn't think I deserved someone to care about me when I chose to be difficult.

Letting out a sigh I looked up at the swirls in my ceiling's plaster. Alex deserved someone much better than me. Didn't he? He deserved someone who could support him without having their own laundry list of issues. Someone who would be able to give him their everything without lingering thoughts of someone like Riley sewn into their mind. Someone to be his rock.

He was perfect. Even in just the little things he does every day he's perfect. Like the way his nose crinkles when he laughs to hard, or the way he lifts his leg when he sneezes. Even his horrible dance moves are endearing. I love the way his heart always beats a second faster when I yawn while we cuddle. Or how he looks me in the eye when asking questions or how he fiddles with his cloths when he gets nervous. And nothing quite matches how perfectly his hair falls into his eyes in the morning, or how he always tries to hide when he blushes. I loved the way he slides his hands into my back pockets when I sat on his lap or hold his hugs. I loved just being in his arms and being around him. He deserved someone just as perfect as him.

And I knew that wasn't me.

But even knowing that I couldn't quite stop the flutter in my chest as he appeared in my doorway. A large green apple being dribbled between his fingers as he leaned into my door frame with a grin. "Can you do me a favor?" He asked as I sent him a sad smile and a nod. "Can you go brush your teeth; I can't be in a room with you and not want to kiss you..."

His few words heating my cheeks as I quickly kicked my legs over the side of my bed and ducked my head. Walking to the bathroom, I couldn't help but notice the vibration in my bones as my heart pounded against my chest. But it wasn't like the pounding when I get nervous or even when Alex does something cute. It was almost like an over worked pounding as my head began to spin. I let out a deep breath as I stumbled into the bathroom and clutched the counter. My eyes slipping to the mirror as I continued to take slow breaths.

"You're okay..." I mumbled to myself as I flicked on the cold water and began to let it run. "You just got up to fast..." I murmured ignoring the fact my legs now felt like hollow tubes of Jell-O as I could no longer stand on my own. "You're fine, you're fine, really, you're fine!" I nodded, reaching for my tooth brush with a shaky hand before quickly running it under the water just wanting to go lie down. "You got this..." I nodded to myself as I squeezed the toothpaste onto the brush. Feeling a dizzy spell wash across my forehead at the mere effort the simple task took. Having to slump against the wall as I brushed my teeth I made quick of the task, not looking for a perfect brushing anymore, just enough to rid the days of morning breath before spitting out the toothpaste and rinsing my mouth. "Few... Okay." I hummed splashing some cold water onto my face to bring me back to earth before I turned off the faucet.

"Babe, you look pale..." Alex's voice caught my attention as I jumped away from the counter. My body not ready for the act and began to stumble as Alex jumped forward and caught my arm. A look of panic written over his face as I blew out a breath and grabbed onto his shirt. "Jasey, are- are you okay, what’s going on?" Alex asked in a fluster as I shook my head.

"I'm fine!" I told him pressing my fingers to my temple to nurse my growing migraine. "I just stood up too fast is all..."

"No Jasey... You look pale... Come here." He rushed sweeping me into a bridal hold as my head began to spin once again at the rush. My limbs aching as Alex sprinted the short distance into my bedroom and softly placed me onto my bed. "You're sweating..." He gasped slightly as I lifted a hand to his chest. Trying to sooth his panicked state as I noticed his rapid breathing.

"Alex, I'm fine..." I smiled a small grin as Alex shook his head and frantically began to search my room with his eyes. "Alex, trust me, I'm fine, if anything I'm cold..."

"No Jasey!" He snapped as his face washed of all color. Still flustered, Alex sat on the edge of my bed by my hip and began to stroke the stuck strands off my now clammy face as he leaned forward to softly kiss my lips. "I need to get you water and you need to eat something, this is all because you haven't eaten..." He told me as he carefully got off the bed as if mad at himself for snapping at me as before darting from the room.

"Oh god!" I murmured as I heard the faucet begin to run and ran my hands through my sweat kissed hair. "What have I done..." I bit back my quivering lip as I listened to Alex mutter to himself. All I've done is make this hard time more difficult for everyone. If I had just gotten off my ass and gone to school he wouldn't have been so worried and would never have known I wasn't eating. And it wasn't like I planned not to; I just couldn't stomach the meals, or even the scent of them. Just the thought made me want to vomit. I didn't mean to cause this mess. It was an accident.

"Jasey!" Alex called rushing to my side as my eyes snapped open. "Jasey, I'm so sorry, please don't cry!" He hushed as he placed a cool face cloth across my forehead which even in my freezing state felt nice and soothing. "I'm sorry..."

"Why are you sorry?" I asked with a wavering voice as he sat on the bed and cradled my cheek with the look of a worried sick mother. "I caused this; this has nothing to do with you..."

"I should have been here for you... It's my fault!" He spoke in defeat as I reached up and grabbed his hand that held my face with a tender touch.

"Alex, it wouldn't have made a difference, what makes a difference is that your here now..." I cooed, rubbing a thumb across his knuckles as he nodded his head. "That’s all that matters Lex... Is what happens now..."

"Will you eat at least?" He asked in a timid voice as I nodded my head and tried to sit up. Avoiding my eyes, Alex leaned over to my bedside table and snatched the apple before rolling it in his hand as it was held out to me. "I didn't want to push you..." He mumbled as I took the apple and reached forward to cup his jaw.

"Thank you..." I whispered leaning forward to press my lips softly to his, showing him I was to blame for this minor episode, not him before pulling away. Alex nodding as he crawled over my lap to slide under the covers. Letting him snuggle into my lap, I eyed the fruit with uncertainty. My attention being drawn to the beautiful boy who had begun to hum to himself as he pulled at my bedding. Letting out one last breathe I took a small bite of the apple. Nearly choking as it forced its way down my throat. Feeling every inch of the lump I leaned over to grab the small Dixie cup of water to wash it down.

"I'm proud of you..." Alex mumbled as I placed the cup back down and ran my now freed hand through his hair.

"Why?" I asked sadly, my tone still graveled from my swallowed tears that lined my airway. "I was too weak to eat on my own, and still I can hardly handle this apple!" I argued as I continued to rake my fingers through his equally mangled mop.

"But you’re trying... And that’s more than I could ask for..." He whispered rolling onto his back before shifting so his head lay in my lap once again. "No way could I sit by and let you starve yourself... You are far too beautiful for something so foolish, you know that?" He hushed softly taking my face in his hands and bringing my lips to his for a quick and tender kiss. "I told you I'd be by your side through all of this..." He mumbled against my lips before quickly pecking them and allowing me to sit back up, my teary eyes locking on his own golden brown ones as he laid back into my lap. "I meant it Jasey..." He smiled softly as he rolled to his side and snugged into my stomach.

"Sometimes..." I sighed looking down on him as he nudged his nose into my belly making me giggle, "I don't know what I would do without you Alexander Gaskarth..."

"You know for a fact I will always be there in some way or another to make sure you know just how precious you are..." He cooed softly with a yawn as I lifted a hand to softly brush his cheekbone. "You are so beautiful Jasey Rae Dawson..." He smiled with another yawn, forcing one of my own as I wiggled into my pillows, trying to get comfortable. "Don't think for a moment that it doesn't upset me when you do something like this to yourself, because you’re indirectly hurting me as well..." He sighed letting his eyes slip shut as I blinked my own, unknowingly sending a single tear to roll down my cheek.

"I'm sorry..." I muttered as Alex simply hummed his response.

"Don't be..." He hushed shifting his arms to wrap around my waist. "I will always be by your side Jasey Rae Dawson, please don't forget that..." He muttered as I bit my lip with his use of my full name with a sigh. I continued to run my fingers through his soft locks for what felt like hours before his soft snores began to fill the room, the mere sound inviting a smile onto my face as I muffled a laugh.

"I will always be by your side as well, Alexander William Gaskarth..." I whispered knowing he was slumbering off in a foreign land as I ran my knuckles over the slightest of stubble lining his jaw. My eyes shifting to the now half eaten apple on my bedside table as I sighed, what would I do without him I'm my life? I thought looking down at the boy's sleeping form one last time with a content grin. "I can never thank God enough for putting you in my life Alex," I started as I whispered to his sleeping ears the few mere words I could never stomach staying to a fully conscious Alex as I hummed a simple,

"I love you..."

Notes