No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

White.

Everything was so fucking white.

You'd think they'd paint them a calming color like blue, or a pale yellow even.

But no.

They paint hospitals fucking white. Crisp, clear, sharp, white.

A color so blank and luminous it hurt my throbbing eyes to even glance around the room. And if the annoyance of the over powering hue was never enough. Everything hurt. The dusty florescent lights hurt my eyes that were dry and itchy from all the tears that leaked. My nose stung from the strong odor from the array of disinfectants and anesthetics mixed with the pungent scent of rubbing alcohol. The repulsive stench of the nurse’s strong perfumes and the sweat of the medics lingered through the hospital waiting room.

My ears pounded from the repetitive beating from the scrubs squeaky shoes on the shiny floor and the ever ringing phone that I couldn't care less about no matter how hard I tried. The distant cries of small children and distressed adults where all a blur as my eyes never fractioned from the large gray doors. Just waiting for the word. Just needing to know he was okay. That Marc was okay. Even my own labored breathing sounded as if from a foreign body as it distracted my throbbing mind.

Like Alex's abandoned attempts to sooth me into speaking, the concerned tone of the receptionist went un-heard at the sight of two loan seventeen year olds sat up in the waiting room. Nothing was taking my mind from the swinging doors that would open at any moment and tell me he was okay.

Or in surgery...

Or something, anything at all.

Even when the main doors barged open and flooded with friends and family, I never left my place. The boy's father ignoring the nurse’s warnings as he barged trough the emergency room doors in search for his son like I had tried to do and failed in my small stature. I never even noticed Rian crouch in front of me and take my stiff hands in his with a distressed gaze before he glanced at Alex, searching for a sign of life as the singer sighed and shook his head. "She hasn't spoken a word since we got here..." He whispered, his voice tattered and horse from pleading with my frantic screams to just calm me into the silence. Alex's eyes sitting on my stone cold form as I watched the doors. "He had just texted me moments before... I don't know how this happened..." He groaned placing his swollen eyes in his hands as Rian shifted back to my ridged being.

"Jasey..." He called softly, tapping the side of my knee but got no response, not even a blink. "Jasey, look at me..."

"It's no use man..." Alex sighed leaning over and resting his head to my shoulder, still, nothing. "You can't blame her..."

"She can't just not answer us..." He argued with Alex now as I kept my eyes glued to the doors, hardly even hearing his words and most certainly not processing them.

"Well she can, and she is..." Alex answered, defending whatever honor I had left as he rubbed my back, "I'd still be screaming if this were Jack... But I'm not sure if the silence is better, or worse than her screams..." Alex muffled brushing my hair from my shoulder as I never split my gaze. Silence falling on the three of us as the rest of the group sat by and bit their nails, Matt the second closest to the boy of the cluster stood, pacing back and forth as he tried to find his breath. "He looked pretty bad-"

"Shut up!" I seethed at the singer. My eyes never slipping from the door as they all jumped at the tone. "Just - just shut up!"

"Jasey, please talk to-"

"No!" I spat nudging Rian from my peripherals with my foot as I stared the swinging doors down. "Not until I can see Marc..."

"Jasey, we don't even know if he's going to-"

"NO!" I screeched peeling my eyes from the doors to pierce my brothers with a gaze that showed him all the pain I felt. My silent tears still pouring down my cheeks in two delicate waterfalls as my fists clenched in rage, "DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING SAY THAT!" I screamed grabbing the attention of the others as my eyes bore into Rian's. "HES FINE! HES GOING TO BE FINE!" I screamed feeling my voice fail as I hesitated to slide my gaze to Alex's shattered being with a quivering lip. "He's going to be fine..." I whispered as Alex reached for my shoulders and slid me into his lap, my silent tears transforming into choked sobs as Rian stood to take my chair behind me now. "He's going to be okay... Right?" I asked, my voice so small it was almost as if I had my answer.

Alex's silence was all I needed as I slowly began to crumble in his arms. Every last pebble of every wall I had left came tumbling down, burying me in my own masked pain as I cried. Clinging to Alex's shirt I held on to my last strand of sanity. I couldn't face the idea. Not now. Not ever. All I had left was hope. Hope that the doctor would press through those double doors and say that he's going to be alright with a little time. I fell apart in Alex's arms just then, letting him hold me together by his bounded arms.

Not a word slipping from his mouth, not a muttered lie or whisk of hope. He had already accepted what I didn't see as an option. But how could I. He said himself he'd be a mess if it were his best-friend. So why is it so different that its mine. He's still a human being, with hopes and dreams that are slowly slipping through his finger tips with every second the annoyingly loud clock ticked by.

"Jase-"

"Leave her be..." Alex cut my brother off as he slowly began to collect me in his arms as he got to his feet. "Give us a moment, alright..." He stated, not leaving room for argument as he started for the sliding glass doors, me in shambles, held together in his grasp as he passed our friends. Letting him, without a word carry me out into the cool air. The rain falling down beyond the overhang as Alex found a bench just beyond the doors and sat me in his lap. His lips pressed to my hair as I continued to cry and he let out a sigh. "You're going to be okay Jasey..." He rubbed my hip as he shifted me in his lap so I was held tight. "I know you’re hurting but you need to stay strong..."

"Why?" I asked, the single word through a series of sobs shined the light on him as he furrowed his brow. But he then realized I was right. Why would I need to be strong? Who was looking up to me, expecting me to hold my shit together, and if anyone why? If anything I had every right to be breaking down, I had every right to be weak and fragile. I had no reason to need to be strong. I had a reason to be distraught. And Alex realized that as he ran a hand through my mangled hair and pulled my head into his chest.

"Your right..." He acknowledged as I continued to cry harder as the sobs washed over me like a tidal wave just when I thought I had run bone dry. "Cry it out..." He soothed rubbing a hand to my back lulling me as he rocked my form just ever so slightly as he hushed my sobs. "You're okay..." He sang softly as I cried, "you're gonna be okay..." He murmured more so to himself then me this time around as he sniffled his own sob now. "I'm not going anywhere okay... I'll be right by your side..."

"What if he doesn’t make it through this?" I choked clutching at his shirt. Silence soon mixing with the rain as I let out a choked gasp. "Alex..." I begged keeping my head pressed into his chest knowing I'd see the worst sitting in his golden eyes. "Alex, he's got to make it through... I know he can, he HAS TO, Alex!" I cried louder and louder as Alex shut his eyes not wanting to see me crumble after being so strong for so long. "ALEX HES GOING TO BE OKAY RIGHT?" I cried looking up at him to see the blatant fear filling his eyes. "No!" I screamed punching his chest. His eyes fixated on our laps as he took another hit. "YOUR LYING TO YOURSELF HE'S FINE!" I screamed hitting him again, and again, and again as I sobbed. "HE'S FUCKING FINE!"

"Jasey..." He said calmly as I screamed denials, hitting his chest before he broke, quickly snatching my pounding wrists. Demanding I pay attention.

"NO!" I screamed, my tears violently flooding from my eyes as if my tear ducts were now just gaping holes. "NO, HE'S FINE!"

"Jasey please!" Alex begged holding my wrists tighter as I finally broke. A violent sob ripping through my chest as if my whole body went limp.

"NO ALEX!" I cried as I fell into his chest. My voice faulting as I couldn't even cry louder than a whisper as I took a soft hold on his collar with my limited mobility. My eyes slipping to Alex's to see a single tear roll down his cheek.

"Jasey, please..." He begged with me as I took a long blink and a shaky breath.

"You - you don't - don't think he'll make it..." I hiccupped with a shattered tone as Alex shut his eyes. Resting his forehead to mine he pulled me close.

"I'm trying to baby... I really am, I'm trying," he pleaded biting his quivering lip as he sucked in a breath, "but he looked so beat Jase, I want to think he will, and even more for you..." He whispered into my hair as I took shallow breaths. Keeping my eyes shut I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"But you don't think he will..." I muttered as Alex released a shaky sigh of his own.

"I don't know what to think..." He whispered. Letting me silently cry into his chest as he held me close. Tightening his grip every few passing moments as if to assure me he was still there.

"ALEX!" "JASEY!" A shrill voice gasped as we both lifted our gaze to see Isobel and Julie running our way through the rain. Alex quickly pressing us both to our feet as he took my head in his hands and swiftly pressed his lips to mine. Silently giving me all he thought on the matter. A truly innocent exchange as it was desperate and soft. Telling me that no matter what I'd have him to fall back on. As if he was still trying to find and hold onto that loan crevice in my mind with a glimpse of hope where our relationship sat. But the moment he released my lips he pulled my into my chest, kissing my hair as he mumbled, "I want you to go inside, I want you to go inside and find Rian, okay?" He asked softy as I nodded into the mass of his shoulder silently, "I'll talk to them; I want you to stay with Rian till I get in there, okay?" Nod, "You're going to be okay Jasey, I know you are..." He hushed, delicately kissing my temple before releasing me to storm inside where Rian stood with open arms.

My tears flooding from my eyes as Rian stuttered to hold my weight. Swiftly wrapping me in his arms he back stepped towards an open chair with a view of the door as he knew I'd want to be the first person to know, aside from his father who had been returned and was silently sobbing into his hands by the door, no matter the news, I wanted to know. Whispering comforting words that went unheard, he held me across his lap and rocked me like a kid. Letting out soft sobs every now and then as I clutched fistfuls of his shirt just waiting for the door to swing open. Vinny soon finding our side as he rubbed a comforting hand to my spine. But even with his face burrowed into Alex's hoodie that clothed my back, I could feel his subtle sobs and trembling body.

Many shows and parties with Marc at his side there was no doubt in my mind the two hadn't grown close. Vinny finding his wingman at the boys concerts to stand side stage but never in the lime light with. And I knew he was hurting, just as much as me with this news. But what was killing me the most, was not knowing for certain what was going on beyond those doors. They had held him for so long I was nearly certain that they had him under critical care and where too occupied with saving his life to worry about us. But even with the long lapse I couldn't help the kink in my heart telling me the staff was only elongating the bad news. Stalling and trying to figure out how to tell a cluster of high-school students they lost a friend. Because I know, no matter how simple movies and television make it look, no matter who someone is, or what their occupation is, being the one to deliver that news is something that would follow you, and add to the weight of one’s heart. But it’s not like being on the receiving end of the news would be any easier. All I wanted was to know what was taking them so long. But it was almost as if the moment the thought crossed my mind...

I got my answer.

"Fletcher..." A voice cleared as we all hesitated to glance up at the last name. The roll of the sliding glass door filling the eerie void of silence as the doctor kept his eyes trained on the chart in hand as he flipped the manila folder shut. Letting out a sigh as he ran a hand over his tired face. "I have to tell you by law that the cranial trauma this boy suffered was so immense, it’s a miracle he even made it to these doors. All odds against him, he should have died on impact." The doctor spoke bringing a flutter to my lifeless heart, but his monotone voice kept me on edge. Kept me waiting for the moment that shattered my heart once and for all as he hung his head and spoke the few words that pulled the last thread of my sanity out from under me. "We did the best we could..."

"WELL THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH!" His father screamed causing my own yelp to rip passed my tears as he stood. "YOU SAID HE WAS A MIRACLE WELL WHY THE FUCK COULDN'T YOU SAVE HIM THEN!" He screamed kicking his chair sending it sliding across the floor as I got to my feet. "WHERE IS MY SON?"

"NO!" I screamed running out the emergency room doors. "He's not g- no - no - he can't, NO!" I paused; standing in the middle of the parking lot as I finally looked around me. My hair clinging to my face as the rain pounded down around me. My eyes darting up to the sky as I fell to my knees. The rain punching my face as I let out a blood curdling screech and continued to cry. "WHY MARC, WHY, WHY YOU?" I screamed, punching the pavement. "I NEED YOU MARC, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE, WHY?"

"Jasey!" A voice called my name in evident desperation as I looked up at the advancing figure. My eyes blown wide like a dear caught in the head lights, the single phrase slipping passed my lips as I shook my head and darted for the road. They were lying, the doctor said it himself, Marc should have died on impact, but he didn't. He wasn't supposed to die!

He wasn't supposed to die.

He wasn't supposed to get my text and take his eyes off the road.

He wasn't supposed to skid on that black ice.

He was never supposed to hit that tree.

He was never supposed to die.

And it was all my fault. I texted him and took his eyes off the road. It was my fault he didn't see the ice, my fault he lost control, my fault he hit that tree, my fault he had to be taken to the hospital. My fault he died. It was all my fault he wasn't here. My fault he'd never hand in his senior project, my fault he'd never graduate, my fault he'd never go to college and find the love of his life. He'd never buy a house of his own, and he'll never see his bride walk down the aisle. Never have kids to chase around. And will never go to a stupid fucking high-school reunion. He'll be nothing more than a photo in a yearbook. Because I sent him a stupid fucking text.

"IT’S ALL MY FAULT!" I screeched falling to my knees only to find my shins slowly encased in mud. My eyes opening to see where my feet had taken me.

The park.

"JASEY STOP!" Rian screamed running to my side and grabbing my arm.

"Let me go." I fumbled, slowly fighting his hold as I clambered to my feet.

"Jasey let's go, everyone is worried sick about you now-"

"ME?" I screeched turning to look at him. "THEIR WORRIED ABOUT ME?" I screamed no longer caring of the tears pouring from my eyes in the endless stream, "I FUCKING KILLED HIM AND THEY ARE WORRIED ABOUT ME?"

"Jasey you didn't-"

"I have to see him!" I screamed ripping my arm from his and starting for the one place I knew he would be, he wasn't dead. No way. They had the wrong kid. He knew I was upset and went to the water tower, just like every time before. He was up there.

"JASEY STOP!" Rian screeched now snatching my arm as I just as quickly pulled it back. "JASEY HE'S GONE!"

"NO HES NOT!" I screamed running for the tower now knowing Rian was trying to keep me from him. "HES UP THERE!"

"JASEY FUCKING STOP!" He screamed grabbing my body as I grabbed the ladder and ripped me away. In an instant I began to kick and scream as Rian pulled me away. My eyes locked on the frail rings of medal that brought Marc and I together that now kept us apart.

"HES UP THERE!" I screamed clawing at Rian's arms as I sobbed and cried and yelled, "HES WAITING FOR ME I KNOW IT!" I sobbed as I kicked and Rian sat us down in the mud. Quickly crossing my arms over my chest to restrain me as I cried. "He's alive, he's up there... He's waiting for me like always!" I sobbed slamming my eyes shut as I continued to squirm till Rian spoke again.




The pure finality in his voice bringing me back to earth as the reality of the situation hit me like a freight train. "No..." He whispered the painful word as he held back. The next phrase he knew would crush me, but needed to be said. "Jasey, Marc's dead... He's not coming back."

Notes