No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

"Jack man, that is by far one of the dumbest things to ever come out of your mouth!" I muttered to the skunk haired boy from across the basement.

"Yeah, yeah come on man that’s just dumb!" Vinny chimed in from the floor.

"Guys it’s a good idea!" Argued Jack from his place on top of an amp.

"No man... It's not!" Rian all but laughed as he sat down on the futon couch before bringing a can of Dr. Pepper to his lips.

"How?" Jack quipped as he furrowed his brow.

"Throwing an 'un-grounding party' at your house after I got grounded because of a party at your house is the dumbest idea next to kids bop!" I laughed as I leaned back against the arm of the couch.

"Well, hey now, lets hear him out..." Marc pointed as he sauntered over to the other end of the couch after pushing off his place by the wall.

"Yeah hear me out!" Jack whined in a high pitched voice while he spoke before composing his tone enough to explain, "She's ungrounded next Wednesday, the party will be on that Friday, so that’s two days of a perfect Jasey before the party, then after we can all stay at my place and sleep off whatever hangover we have, shower up, head home, and they'll never know!"

I swallowed hard and kicked my feet into my brother’s lap as he shot me a light smile. I forced the same before returning my gaze to my thumbs to pick at my already chipping nail polish. How Jack had just phrased it, the party wasn't a stupid idea, if anything it was a great idea to slip a party like that into the week. But it was that same reason that caused my internal cringing in that I no longer had reason to shoot down his idea. And I couldn't as much as come out and say I wasn't up for it because I wasn't taking losing Alex as well as I made myself out to be. I threw him away like it was nothing, like he had hurt me so bad, so deeply I would never be able to look at him again. But in reality, his absence was killing me more. I just couldn't face the pain anymore, the humiliation of my past once again bubbling to the surface when I least expected and ruining everything was just to much to swallow.

Blaming Alex for that was easy, cutting him off for it was difficult, facing the real cause of my pain was close to impossible, but admitting I forced the blame on Alex, forget it. And trying to find a way out of this party was starting to seem just as hard.

"That... Might just work!" Cass giggled with a nod.

I released another sigh taking note to make her pay for that later. "I still don't think it’s a bright idea..." I muttered crossing my arms over my chest.

"Okay now..." Marc started, "let’s say we do have this party, there’s one big issue we haven't worked through yet if we have it..."

"What issue?" Jack scoffed as I shut my eyes knowing JUST the issue Marc spoke of.

"Do we, or do we not invite Alex?" He clarified causing the whole room to go silent. I felt my brother's eyes shift to me and I couldn't do it. I got to my feet and started for the stairs before anyone had the chance to realize I was making a break for it. For a moment Rian would sit and watch as I went before sighing himself and getting up to place his soda can on the flat wooden armrest and follow in my step. My brother pulling himself up the stairs in time to hear my bedroom door slam shut a story up.

I let out a sigh as I pressed my spine to the locked door and slid to the floor. My arms pulling my knees to my chest as I listened to the light rain fall. The drops staining my window with their runny streaks while I sat in an attempt to collect my thoughts.

I let out a sigh as I pulled myself to my feet. Rian's heavy tread echoing off the walls as I could hear him climbing the stairs. I looked out the window as I crawled onto my bed and sat in front of it. My weight shifting to my forearms as they folded onto the sill. My eyes watching the glass as I rested my chin, there color large and wide as they followed the racing drips like a kid to a car window. Watching the large drops cling to the wood as the building size would became too much to hold onto before it would fall down the glass to collect in a puddle somewhere down the line.

I heard Rian knock on my door as I pressed my palms to the glass and popped the window open a few inches. Allowing the soothing sounds of the rain on my window screen to fill the dark room. It was odd how the smallest thing like the sound of the rain falling reminded me of him. Such a general thing that can be associated with pretty much anything in the world. And my mind chose him. Different images flashing in my mind, anywhere from three weeks ago, to five years ago, but they all seemed the same. All fond memories of Alex and I curled up somewhere just sending soft smiles to one another while we listened to the light pitter patter of the rain. I shoved my head into my folded arms. Shielding my eyes from the world as the cool breeze spilled through the gap and fanned over the top of my head. My mind being forced to focus on nothing more than the rain tapping on my windows. Well that was until I rolled onto my back to let out a groan, the sound of crinkling paper caused my loan silence to fall around the room.

"Jasey can we talk about this?" Rian asked in a soft voice from behind my closed door. His comment ignored as I got to my knees and pulled the small paper that caused the sound out from between my sheets. My eyes falling on the same photo I pocketed just Monday from Marc. The one of Alex and I in the kitchen. My features softening as I ran the pads of my fingers over the ink taking in all that it was. Soaking in the look in his eyes that even the poorest quality photo could capture, the smile I was visibly biting back as I avoided his eyes. By the color of my soccer jersey that covered me the photo couldn’t have been taken more than a month or two into the school year, before everything went to ruin. The clean color and crisp font looked fresh and new, its vibrant color only enhanced by the dirty distressed red of the zip-up covering Alex's shoulders as he wrapped his arms around my middle.

My eyes shifting towards my closet. The action fought as I hesitated to look in the direction I knew I would find it. The bold color against the gray and white only made the red catch my eyes as they fell on that very same zip-up.

-
"Come here..." Jack sighed before taking hold of my wrist and pulling me towards my bed, just another thing that reminded me of Alex. How odd it was that he always held my hand, but everyone else, my wrist, or maybe it was just odd that I noticed it nonetheless. Jack sat me down before doing the same and turned me so we were facing one another. "What’s his favorite color?" He asked suddenly.

"Huh?"

"Alex, what’s his favorite color?"

For a moment I just stared at the skunk haired boy as I furrowed my brow, "what does that have to-"

"What’s his favorite color?" He spoke again as he drew circles on my knee like casual conversation. I sighed as I watched him.

"Red, I can only assume its red..." I answered.

"Why would you think that?" He questioned quietly as I looked at him. Jack was usually odd and off topic but this level of randomness mixed with the sincerity in his voice only confused me more. My head shaking as I fumbled over my words.

"The zip-up..." I mumbled, "That stupid red zip-up he always wears..."

"Yeah..." Jack sighed, "that stupid zip-up hanging from your hamper..." He finished, my eyes -obviously- snapping to the hamper in my open closet to view Alex's very hoddie hanging over the side where I threw many of his cloths I managed to steal from him over those past few months. I watched that red zip-up and how it hung there. Just waiting to be noticed like it had. "Call him..."

"What?" I snapped looking back to Jack as he caught me off guard.

"Call him..." He repeated as his eyes dug into mine.

"Jack what are you trying-"

"Will you just call him?" He snapped before taking hold of my hand and forcing his phone into my grasp. My eyes sitting on the device knowing I should call him, knowing that I wanted to, but my mind questioning if I should.
-

The memory as fresh as the vegetables I had been cutting in the photo as I shook my head and let it fall to the bed. What happened then didn't matter now. It was in the past, as was Alex and my relationship. Even if Alex's mistake, like my conversation with Jack was just a few days old, it still stung like the open wound it was. And not any photo Marc had up his sleeve could change that, even if I wanted it to. What me and Alex had was a broken vase that was just knocked over one to many times. Eventually, some of the pieces just break into a powder, leaving a hole in the vase that will never be the same.

And even if I did pine for his touch and presence, it would only cause more issues for everyone. Being around Alex was like placing a drug addict in front of a line of coke and telling them not to snort it. I knew it was bad for me, but every fiber in my body wanted it, craved it. I couldn't be responsible for the things I did around him. He got under my skin and in my head and made me feel things I’ve never felt before. Like my own personal brand of heroine. It's always the comparison used, but I guess seeing now, it’s the only one to use. The only comparison that captures how much I truly desired to be just near him. And how bad he was for me. I couldn't control how he made me feel, not with him hanging around. And I knew I couldn't stand my ground of rage about the "deal" if I didn't cut him off. It was the only way. Cut the addict's supply, and the drugs stop flowing. And the problems stop to.

"Jasey..." I heard another knock at the door as I looked over. I couldn't face Alex. But I could face my brother, at least I thought I could.

I kept my head down as I climbed off the bed and made my way over to the door. My hand shifting to flick the lock before I turned my back to the door once again and stood in the center of my room. I just stood there taking deep breaths knowing someone would have followed me either way. Whether it was voluntary or if they all had to gather round and pull straws for who was up to calm me down I didn't know nor care. Maybe not until my door popped open and Rian stepped inside.

I let my eyes flicker to my twin before groaning and turned to stare at my mattress. A hand being pressed to my shoulder only caused me to swallow my sighs. My eyes slipping shut while I thought. "I don't want to see him..." I forced aloud as Ri sighed.

"Why?" He asked softly.

"Because I don't want to cave." I muttered knowing well he had no idea what I was talking about. "I don't want to see him and break down; I don't want him to know I miss him because I can't fight him anymore."

"Then don't!" Rian spoke. My back turning so I was eye to eye with my twin. "Don't fight him, just let him in!"

My eyes rolling instantly, of course he would say that, he didn't know what it was like to be all but mocked out of town for something he had no control over; he always had the upper hand in the family. "It’s not that simple..." I dusted under my breath.

"And why not?" He asked bringing my eyes to lock on his as he lifted my chin, "I know you Jasey, I know you better than anyone, and I know you care about him, I've seen it, so why does this have to be so damn hard!" He grunted through a clenched jaw, "Why can't you two just swallow your egos and admit you like each-other, it’s not that hard to let someone in, what do you have to lose?"

"Everything!" I clipped, "I have everything to lose Rian!"

"How? He already knows about mom, he knows about Tammy, he knows about Washington, he knows about everything and he still wants you in his life Jasey!" Rian argued, "Why is it so damn hard for you to see that!"

"Because I can't let him in Rian you just don't get it!" I bit back my lip at how my voice shook my words.

"What don't I get?" He asked in a now calm tone that still held an edge, "are you forgetting I've gone through almost everything you've been through, so tell me, what is it that you are so afraid of Jasey? What are you so scared of losing!?"

"Him..." I choked on my breath as the single syllable came out in hardly a whisper. Rian's face dropping as my walls slowly crumbled around me. A hand moving too slowly rub my arm while I took a deep, shaky breath. "I'm afraid of losing him Rian..." I spoke wiping at my eyes in precaution as I kept my head down, "I'm afraid of losing him for good."

"Then why are you pushing him away Jasey..." He pleaded.

"Because Rian, pushing him away is a hell lot easier than having him leave me on his own!" I argued as my twin fell silent.

"Why would he do that Jasey, he's been by your side through everything!"

"Exactly!" I spilled as I looked up at my ceiling fan and desperately blinked at my hot tears, "he knows all that has happened to me, but he also knows how much of a train wreck I am, he knows all too well what a walking disaster I am, its better if he leaves now on my terms then wait until he realizes I’m too much work."

"And what’s that supposed mean?" Rian questioned bitterly.

"It means he'd realize I'm more work then I'm worth and leave, just like everyone else will," I whispered as I fought off my tears, "he will see that I'm nothing more than a waist of his time, just another lost cause in a dress!"

"Jasey stop!" Rian snapped taking hold of my shoulders.

"Stop what!?" I screamed coldly as a single tear slipped from my eye, "stop telling the truth, stop saying what everyone else is too afraid to admit is true!"

"No!" He shook me slightly, "you know that’s not true, no one has ever thought to give up on you!" He yelled with a cracking tone as I dropped my head, "The only person who has ever lost faith in you is yourself!"

"Because I don't deserve anyone’s faith!" I muttered as silent tears began to fall from my eyes.

"He has always had faith in you!" Rian argued as I choked on my breath. "He's fought for you Jasey, he's fought for you since the moment you started to lose faith, and he's been fighting for you since you've been back! He could fight Tammy and Riley, hell he could fight me, but the one person he can't beat to get to you is yourself!"

"It’s better this way!" I cried.

"No. It’s not." He spoke steadily, "Alex has been fighting non-stop to get to you, but he's been fighting the wrong battle all year, this isn't about mom, or Tammy, or even him, this is about you. This is about you being scared to trust him. You can blame it on Tammy and him, but we both know you're already over that. But what you can't seem to get over is the fact that someone might actually care about you, and you don't know how to handle that."

"I did." I snapped harshly as my eyes locked on Rian's.

"No Jasey, you didn't." Rian told me as he took a step closer to place a hand to my shoulder, "you’re running away again. You tell yourself you’re not because physically, your still here. But you are, you’re running away from Alex because you’re scared, but this isn’t like with mom Jasey. It's not me and dad left to cope with your absence this time around. It’s just Alex, just him and every memory you guys have shared left to slowly chip away at him till there’s nothing left."

"Stop..." I choked as I watched my brother.

"No, I'm not sugar coating this for you anymore!" Rian snapped, "I'm done holding your hand and telling you things will work themselves out! You’re my sister, and I love you. But he's my friend to, and I won’t sit by and watch you do this to him!"

"Rian stop-"

"He showed up here on Saturday Jasey." Rian continued like I wasn't even there, "he showed up, drunk. Piss ass, shit faced, plastered, straight up drunk off his ass. And crying like a baby. And if it’s not sad enough to watch a seventeen year old boy bellyache like a little girl, all he would do was just look at me and ask why. That’s all he kept saying, 'why did I do it', 'why didn't I tell her', 'why am I losing her'-"

"Rian stop!"

"What the hell was I to do?" Rian snapped looking me dead in the eye, "how do you think I felt, having my best friend drink himself to tears over my fucking sister!"

"Rian!"

"No, I'm not fucking around with you anymore!" Rian shouted, "You fucking call him, and you fix this! I don't care how long it takes; you find him and you fix this!"

"Rian!"

"Call him!" Rian snarled taking a tight hold on my wrist and shoving his phone in my hand like Jack had done just days ago. I looked up at Rian once more to see him silently nod his head. My eyes slipping shut as I sighed before I fought my hand to flick the phone open and dialed the number I so easily knew by heart. The phone being pressed to my ear till I sat, nervously fidgeting till the line clicked and he picked up.

"R- Rian?" Alex slurred into the phone with a sniffle as I crunched my nose.

"Lex?" I questioned before cringing at the reflex use of the nickname.

For a moment he was silent. His voice coming back to say my name in a more prominent tone though he still wrestled with his tongue, followed by a, "Is it really you?"

"Alex, are you crying?" I questioned disregarding his words while I listened to him hum into the phone.

"Uh- uhm- y- no!" He slurred his words before coughing into the phone.

"Alex, where are you?" I asked pressing a hand to my temple as I could feel the growing pinch in my mind knowing all his possible tears were only proving what Rian had said, what I had done to him.

"Why the fuck would you care?" He slurred. "You said yourself we're nothing!"

"Lex, listen to me..." I cringed again, "stay put, just tell me where you are okay."

"Some bar, what’s it to you!" He slurred as I took a hard swallow. "I'm having fun without you, so just leave me the fuck alone, you wanted outs, you got them!"

"I need to talk to you..."I hesitated before taking a deep breath, "you came and got me, now I’m coming to get you..."

"I don't want your help..."

"I just can't do this anymore Alex..." I sighed into the phone with a shaky breath, "I'm done fighting with you, this is all ending today."

Notes