No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

A Friend.

A Noun.

One word.

Six letters.

Hundreds of meanings.

So many kinds of all ages, genders, and sizes. Everyone has at least one in their lifetime. But we all know the tales of one's child hood best-friend. Or your buddies who stuck it out through grade school. Or maybe even the special one or two who managed to cling onto that last virtual thread of high-school and managed to stay around.

But did you ever wonder why that was?

Why is it that while some friends seemed to slowly slip right through your fingers, others stuck around without a fight? Did you ever wonder what made them so different, so special that you subconsciously decided they were worthy enough to hold onto while others drifted without a second thought?

What they did do that made you want to keep them around, or was there something they didn't do that gave you no reason to toss them away.

My dad used to tell me that if I had one true friend in this world, I was doing okay.

But I guess we never know our real friends till we hit rock bottom and take a look around. Because it's your true friends who will find you and scrape you from the gutters when you’re down that stay around. Or in my case, can find a way to push aside the hatred, and help a drunken ass find his way home.

The whisky filled light that shined on me in that alley showed me that even through all the bull shit, Alex had been there. And I threw him away. He'd gone through hell and back with me and when the first sign of trouble with him came up, I ran. I ran like I ran from everything else.

In all reality it wasn't Alex's fault, but it was easy to place blame, much easier then to admit it scared me. But there was no hiding what I had done to him. How I threw him away after one mistake and now he was left to suffer my pain. Throughout it all I only thought about pushing the pain away, I never thought of where I was pushing it to, or who I was pushing it on.

At least not till I saw Alex clutching that bottle like the last strand of sanity in his life as he sat against the brick wall of that alley. I'll never forget the weight of my heart sinking when I arrived at the address I forced out of him.

"God damn it Alex" I cursed under my breath as I stepped out of Rian- and my I guess- car as I looked up at the scene around me. My eyes scanning over the run down art district on the outskirts of town, the Saturday rain turning the snow that lined the sidewalks to slush under my feet as I walked. I wrapped my arms around myself as I approached the pub and bar I assumed Alex had been at before pushing the door open. A few skeptical eyes falling on me as I made my way over to the bar, tugging the sides of the boy's red hoodie higher on my shoulder as I bit my lip knowing this whole day was going to be one hard pill to swallow.

"Hey little lady, you look a little young to be in a joint like this..." The scruffy bartender sang tossing a black wash cloth over his shoulder before leaning his elbows onto the bar.

"That’s because I am..." I told him as I shifted from foot to foot, visibly uncomfortable, "I'm looking for my- I'm- I'm looking for someone..." I muttered correcting myself as my eyes fell to my toes.

"By chance, is your name Jasey?" The man asked as my eyes snapped to his. The look of pure horror and confusion must have more prominent than it felt because the man instantly began to chuckle, "you're looking for Alex?" He questioned as he pulled the rag off his shoulder and dropped it to the wooden bar.

"Yeah..." I murmured softly eying him down, "how did you-"

"He's been here all morning..." He explained wiping the wooden surface, "good kid, played a few shows here before, real good singer, only reason why I didn't kick him out when he stumbled in here!" He listed waving his free hand every once in a while keeping his eyes on the bar as he spoke. "Kid looked real tired, I gave him a few sodas but nothing seemed to work, and when I asked him what had him so beat, he well, kind of told me!"

"What did he say?" I questioned softly looking up at him from behind thick lashes.

"Can't quit say... Bartender's honor" He dragged looking at me with sad eyes as he dropped the cloth to place both hands flat on the surface in front of me, "but look kid, whatever he did, it isn’t worth losing your friendship over, no matter how bad it was. I've known the kid for a collective total of maybe 24 hours between shows and today, and even that was enough to know this kid cares about you." The bartender sighed as he hung his head, "you know, I felt so bad for him, he looked so beat, all he wanted was a beer, I could lose my license for what I did, I would have never let him take that bottle if I knew you would actually show up!"

"Where is he?" I asked quickly as my eyes blew wide.

"He's in the alley out back, I have his keys, couldn't have gone far if he wanted to!" He told me though the ending would never be heard due to the fact that as soon as his words hit the air, my feet were hitting the floor, darting for the exit and wrapping around the side of the building to head to the back alley.

I will never forget the feeling I had when I turned that last corner. The flutter in my chest of him being there, the clench in my gut of having to talk to him, the churn of my stomach as I watched him wipe at his red, puffy eyes, the weakness in my knees at the sight of him. My mind racing as my body ached wanting to react in every way physically known to man. But nothing compared to the total and utter feeling of the pure urge to vomit when his eyes locked on mine.

"My god Alex..." I gasped lightly as I slowly approached him. His sad eyes following my step as I slowly grew closer and closer to him till I was kneeling in front of his slumped form.

"Why are you here?" He grumbled pressing the bottle of cheap beer to his lips and tipping his head back violently.

"I'm here to talk to you Alex...." I sighed as I sat back on my feet, "why are you doing this?"

"Because Jasey what the fuck else am I supposed to do!?" He argued with a growing tone.

"Talk to me!" I pleaded reaching for the bottle as he yanked it away and narrowed his eyes at me.

"I thought we were done talking!" He snarled looking me in the eye, "you said it yourself!"

"I know what I said, I say a lot of things I don't mean when I'm upset and you know that Alex!" I shouted wiping the falling rain from my eyes as it began to block my vision. "Just please talk to me about this!"

"HOW?" He snapped ripping his free hand through his rain drenched hair, "HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY LIE WHEN YOU CAN'T STOP LYING TO YOURSELF!"

"Alex don't do this!" I snapped as I watched him tip the bottle back once again and cringed at the sight.

"Stop what?" He snarled wiping his upper lip of rain and booze, "Stop shining the lime light on the real issue, stop pointing out the fact that you’re the one who keeps running away from every little thing that scares you!"

"Alex... You know that’s not true!" I gritted through clenched teeth as I watched him.

"No!" He snapped, "It’s so fucking true it HURTS! You're the one who is at war with them-self not me! You're the one who says we're nothing then shows up here, why can't you just admit it scares you!"

"I'm not scared of anything!" I muttered as he laughed a dark chuckle.

"JUST ADMIT IT!" He shouted looking me dead in the eye, "ADMIT THAT THE FACT I FOUGHT FOR YOU SCARES YOU, ADMIT THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU LET ME CLOSE TO PUSH ME AWAY YOU WANT ME JUST AS BAD AS I WANT YOU!"

"Goddamn it Alex yes! Okay, I want you! I will always fucking want you! It the pain I can't handle!" I screamed as I began to fight the familiar burning from behind my eyes.

"WHAT PAIN JASEY!?" He shouted getting to his knees and pulling my face into his hands, "why does it always have to be a battle with you Jasey? Why can't you just let me in?"

"You know why I can't do that..." I muttered under my breath as I looked up into his cloudy eyes as they narrowed.

"GODDAMN IT JASEY!" He screamed getting to his feet to spin and smash the bottle to the brick wall. I let out a shrill cry as the glass exploded against the red and shattered to microscopic shards on the pavement. "I get what your mom did to you wasn't fair but what is shutting me out doing to help? IT’S ONLY PROVING HER POINT JASEY!" He screamed before turning around and locking his eyes on my tear dripped ones, the stains on my cheeks intermingled with the falling rain to hide the evidence, but he knew they were there, "What are you going to do Jasey, just never let anyone love you in life? Do you want to be as angry and alone as she was!?"

"That’s not fair..." I pointed at him as I made my point which only seamed to worsen his tone.

"WHY, because it’s true?" He yelled stepping over to me, "YOU CAN'T RUN FOREVER JASEY!"

"AND WHY NOT?" I screamed getting to my feet as I let the tears begin to fall freely, "WHY CAN'T I? I HAVE UP UNTIL NOW!"

"AND LOOK WHERE YOU ARE!" He screamed, "Your right back where you started, standing in front of me, and I'm still fighting you, DON'T YOU GET IT JASEY? You can keep running, but I will always be chasing you!"

"Just forget about it!" I cried swiping a hand under my eyes as my wet hair fell onto my face.

"Don't you think I've tried that?" He spoke coldly as his tone began to level out, "don't you think I've tried to forget you, I tried fucking everything and nothing has worked, no matter what either of us do there’s no forgetting you!"

"THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME ALEX!?" I screamed, "I'M JUST ONE FUCKING PERSON WHOCAN’T SEEM TO CATCH A BREAK!"

"BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET PEOPLE IN!" He screamed, "You know for a fact that if you took a chance on me that I could help you, but you seem so set on staying stuck in this fucking rut you've dug for yourself and you won’t let me!"

"This isn't your fight Alex..." I spat bitterly as I looked into his eyes.

"No, but you are, and I'm done fighting you!"

"THEN FUCK ALEX WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" I cried feeling my own rage begin to bubble to the surface.

"I want you to admit your feeling for me, right now!" He demanded bitterly.

"Alex we can do this another time, when your not-"

"NOW!" He snapped taking me by surprise, "if you won’t do yourself the favor of acknowledging how you feel then do me the justice and say that you feel nothing!"

"Alex you know I can't do that!" I argued.

"No, please do, if you won’t just accept that you actually have feelings for me then tell me they aren’t there, look me in the eye and tell me that you feel nothing, tell me you can't feel it when I'm in the room, tell me you don't get butterflies when you see me, tell me... That you don't feel all the things I feel when you kiss me, because Jasey, I’ve kissed a lot of girls in my life and none of them have felt the way it feels to kiss you, so tell me, tell me it’s not all some fucking LIE. Tell me I’m not nuts and that you feel this to."

I looked up at him in disbelief, about to tell him I didn't. But then I'd be a liar. I did feel his presence when he walked into a room. I did feel a rush in my veins and butterflies come alive inside me when he as much as smiled in my direction. I felt all of it. But what was I supposed to do. How was I supposed to just let him in after building up these walls for so long to keep him out, how was I supposed to tell him I could never push the pain of being with me into his life. But how would telling him that change everything we’ve ever known. That the one lie we told ourselves was that we were just friends, but deep down we both knew that would never be the case.

"Jasey..." Alex whimpered swiping tears from his eyes, "just tell me wha-"

His words were instantly lost between his lips and mine as I crashed our bodies together. The heat and lingering taste of booze slipped past our lips as they intertwined. For a moment he held back. His body tensing over as my tongue sucked the beer from his lips like a vampire to blood. His hands moving to drag at my hips as he depend the kiss. The moment he registered my action and his lips moved with mine, everything came out. Everything he had said, everything I had ever thought, all our ignored pulls and attractions released into the world. Butterflies swarming in my stomach as warmth flooded my head. My brain going fuzzy to everything that wasn't Alex. All I could feel, smell, taste, touch, hear, or think was Alex. But that was all I needed. His body drinking in our emotions as I pulled him closer, feeling the neglect of not letting it all out sooner. Like we both knew of this great thing that we ignored. A ticking time bomb waiting until one of us couldn't bare to look at the other a moment longer and not be able to claim them as their own. But all too soon the two of us pulled away, Alex pressed his forehead to mine as I held his jaw with both hands, the two of us gasping for air as the rain fell down around us.

How could I have been so stupid to see he was what I needed all along? The only thing that would drive me nuts by doing nothing at all. The person I cried for when something went wrong. How could I have never put two and two together, or how could I do just that and choose to deny it. How I fit so perfectly in his arms while we hug, or how his hand tangles seamlessly with mine, how his body acts almost like a whittled nook for me to cuddle up beside. The way I could fall asleep to nothing but his breathing, or the way the beat of his heart almost always fell in sync with mine. How could I have let time slip by while he sat on the side lines? I opened my eyes to look up at him. His tear clustered orbs soon slowly came into view as a calloused thumb ran over my lips. "Be with me..." He whispered as he looked into my eyes.


My eyes scanning his serious futures and before I even knew I was doing it, I was nodding, "okay"

Notes