No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

"God Alex!" I muttered aloud rolling over and rubbing my eyes, "why are you so damn stubborn!"

I lay on my stomach as I slowly ran my fingers over my fitted sheet as the tears slowly began to recollect in my eyes. Blinking them away I pulled myself out of bed as my feet patted across the hardwood floor to my closet. I flicked on the light and located one of Alex's many misplaced hoodies and slipped it on over my cloths. His warm scent engulfing me as I crawled back into my bed. The warmth of my mattress folding in on me, begging me to go to sleep and let everything go. But I couldn’t. The night was nowhere in sight to claim me and let me drift to sleep. I sat silently sniffling as I pulled my knees tightly into my chest. It was times like that where I wanted nothing more but to crawl across the street and slip under Alex's covers and allow me to fall asleep tucked safely away in his strong arms. There were times like this in Washington where I knew the only place I wanted to be was right beside him, that they only place I truly felt I belonged was in his arms.

But the fear that I would never again have the chance to do that rattled me to stay awake.

Why did he have to be so damn stubborn?

"Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on!" I muttered aloud.

After all that we had been through you’d think he’d have enough decency to avoid any more drama, like we needed it. Clearly whatever it was was not something he could handle on his own. I just didn't understand what could have been so important he couldn’t tell me.

I didn't want to lose Alex again.

I’ll admit it.

I missed Alex, leaving him was dumb, denying him when I returned was idiotic, not hearing him out was selfish, but not taking every moment I had with him to my up most advantage was feeble. I wish I spent every moment with him like I had Sunday before he got whatever was in that text that caused this mess.

Maybe not exactly like that, but with more of a filter, like we usually had. We were always "flirty" with one another, it was just our personalities. Cuddling, tickling, dancing, was looked passed, we never kissed before the two times that year.

Lucky for me I guessed I would never have to worry about another meeting of our lips for at that point in time it didn't even appear we were kind souls in crossing. It was almost as if we were going back to being strangers, but what about Rian, but what about the band?

Was Alex even thinking about what he was doing? I could feel my room growing hotter and hotter the more I thought about everything that was slowly falling apart. The overwhelming heat causing me to dart for my door and fall down the hall. I managed to pull myself down the stairs as tears began to pool in my eyes, how could I have been so dumb to believe he wanted to be friends with someone so fucked up like me.

I pulled my knees to my chest once again as I took in a sharp breath of the cold November air and looked across the street from where I sat on the front steps of the porch.

For some odd reason I wasn't all that surprised when I looked beyond the side walk to see Alex perched on his steps as he looked down past his knees as he continued to tie and untie his Chuck Taylor's. His breath leaving large clouds that kissed his face with every exhale. His brown eyes never once looking up to meet mine though I know he heard the creek escape from my front door as it echoed from house to house down the sleeping block.

Slowly, the tears began to silently fall down my face as each individual droplet cascaded down my cheeks, each at its own painfully slow pace as I looked over at the broken and bruised boy that I once called a friend.

"Why do you have to keep secrets from me Alex?" I whispered under my breath as I tried to wipe my tears.

Losing a friend is never an easy thing.

But how was I supposed to sit and watch one walk away when he wouldn't even throw me a bone to fight for. To fight for him, for our friendship.

I was a blind dog in a dark room trying to find a door.

Notes