No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

"Jasey, what’s he doing?" She repeated more urgently.



"Having a panic attack" I breathed as the stool hit the stage and Alex stood. His eyes darting around the room frantically before they found mine.



"Alex..." I spoke no louder than a whisper as he read my lips and stumbled backwards. His hands visibly trebled as he reached back to brace for a fall that would never come.



The room beginning to litter with mutters of confusion and shock, Alex’s eyes glancing up one more time before darting off stage. My feet made no hesitation to follow in suit as I started from the crowd.



"A WHAT?" Cass yelled as I pushed from her to sprint for the door Marc had dragged me through earlier.



I would have never allowed him to step on that stage had I known he worked himself up so much as to bring himself to such a state of utter fear and panic.



I had no idea what I was going to say or do when or if I could get ahold on Alex. It’d been years since I had even seen him that upset and even longer since he had actually had an anxiety attack in my presence.



I swallowed as I darted through the hall shouting his name none the less knowing I could either help him or be as good as dead at this point in the situation. Even as a child his attacks scared me, and I never even experienced one myself.



The way his body shook and was racked with sobs and screams. The look in his eyes as they pierced me, the solid fear, you could see it. Feel it. That even he had no idea how to stop his gasping for air, that he was petrified of his own mind for the time being and the place where it trapped him.



I was never much help I would always sit and rub small circles on his leg or back until the sobs subsided and he would collapse from the trauma his body and mind had been through. I would hush sweet nothings in his ear and assure him he was safe and everything way okay.



But those attacks were triggered by external forces. Not like this.



There was no prior meltdown, no freak outs or stressing. No warnings.



I should have known. I should have done something.



"ALEX!" I cried out before stopping in my tracks and listening to the muffled sounds of his sobs.



I followed the quivers and ran into a separate room much like the dressing room prior to the show to find Alex curled up beside the couch as he rocked like a small child cowering from monsters.



"Alex," I hushed rushing over and sliding to my knee as I crouched down in front of him. "Alex, please look at me." I cooed running a light hand up his arm.



He began to pull at his hair as he continued to rock muttering in a tone unclear to my ear, but what I was sure of was that he was repeating the same thing over and over and over again as he rocked.



"Alex please, you need to look at me!" I spoke calmly trying to keep my own emotions at bay for his greater good.



"He’s gone Jasey, he’s gone! Why is he gone, why am I here? Why? Why? WHY!?" He sobbed louder and louder as my own tears began to collect to see him like this. I blinked away the tears as I collected myself. I had to know for sure what caused his attack if I wanted any hope in helping him.



"Who Alex, who’s gone?" I spoke sitting down on both knees trying to calm his pace to a normal conversation and back him away from the attack. I took a deep breath already knowing his answer but I had to get it out of him, to show him it’s nothing to get worked up about. That it was out of his hands.



"TOM!" He cried keeping his head between his knees, "HE LEFT AND NOW HES GONE I LOST HIM! I LOSE EVERYONE ONE!" He screamed, "WHY, WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE ME!"



"Hey no one’s leaving you Alex, I’m right here." I spoke pulling him into my chest as he continued to hyperventilate and shake uncontrollably as he continued to mumble. My eyes slamming shut praying I could think of a way to end this. To help him.



"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE I CANT LOSE ANYONE ELSE!" He sobbed, "I CANT, I CANT, I CANT, I CA-"



"Hey I said that I’m not going anywhere but you need to breathe Alex, you need to calm yourself down."



"PLEASE DON'T LEAVE AGAIN!" He sobbed, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!"



"Shhh... I’m not going anywhere, breath Alex, please just breathe." I cooed rubbing circles on his back as he continued to gasp for air, "I need you to calm down Lex."



"Jasey how am I supposed to be calm!" He stuttered, "THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! WHY AM I UPSET? IT’S MY FAULT, IT’S MY FAULT!"



"HEY!" I yelled instantly regretting raising my voice, "NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!" I shouted as his eyes locked on mine, his warm clouded orbs glazed in feat. I was always taught never to yell at someone in his state, but even though his breath continued its rapid pace for a moment I saw a flash of a composed Alex in his eyes as a sense of determination took over.



I saw the normal Alex right then. I could reach him. All I had to do was find a way to pull it out of him, to distract him long enough to change his mind's train of thought. To distract him long enough to calm him down and real him in.



But how?



"Stop thinking about it Alex!" I demanded my voice falling somewhere between the yell and a stern tone, "I’m here right now, I need you to calm down, focus."



His eyes fluttered up to mine as his breathing didn't even falter as it continued its rapid pace, "Alex focus, look at me."



He looked down at my knees as he put an arm up to grasp arm rest of the couch beside him as he gasped for air. “MAKE IT STOP JASEY, MAKE IT STOP!” he cried.



I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t look at him do this to himself any longer. I couldn’t watch my best friend rip himself apart over things he couldn’t control. I needed to distract him, derail his mind. I needed to at least TRY to help him.



And I did.



For a moment his breath caught in his throat as my lips pressed to his. His eyes blinked rapidly before he accepted it and they slid shut like mine. His mind shifted from whatever thoughts cluttered his brain to me. To the fact his lips were moving in sync with mine for the second time. But this time we were both sober from alcohol even though Alex was as well as drunk on his emotions that flooded his head.



In a choppy motion his hand hesitated upwards a few times before he shuffled a tad and placed both hands on my face pulling me closer to his being as our lips remained locked, molded as one. His chest warming my body as I fell into him. The moment was like a morning after a night of restless tossing.



The night, a forever struggle for hours on end. Tossing and turning with sighs and groans and no hope of sleep in sight.



But somehow you do it, you fall asleep. For just a few hours, but its bliss full sleep, perfect almost. Till the sun shines through the windows or the beeping of your alarm begins to scratch at your eardrums.



And you stir knowing you need to wake up and get out of bed but you slam your eyes shut and curl up praying that time will collapse in on itself in the next few seconds allowing you to remain tucked into your warm and safe bed for the rest of time.



That’s exactly how I felt. That’s how Alex made me feel just then. Warm and safe. I knew it meant nothing; it was a moment of weakness, of panic one might say.



That my flustered mind acted before it could fully mow over any options and I pounced. But just like waking up in the morning I came to the realization I had to rip from the covers and stumble into the cold outside world, away from the warm embrace of my mattress.



The same felling of loss engulfed me as I pulled my lips from Alex's only to feel the quiver of his lips begging for mine at the loss and I rested my forehead to his. My eyes fluttered open before snapping to a full view as I sat up pulling away.



His body fell into a light ball as his breathing leveled out and all that remained from his attack were light tears that silently streamed down his face staining his cheeks.



"Alex...?" I whispered as he slowly sat up and leaned on the wall behind him. "I’m sorry..." I muttered, "I shouldn’t have done that I- I- I just didn't know what to do! I-"



"Jasey..."



"I was scared I couldn’t bear to see you like that yo-"



"Jasey..."



"I didn't know what else to do, I’m sorry we never have to talk about it ag-"



"JASEY!" He spoke sternly finally grasping my attention as he actually laughed lightly sitting upright and whipping his eyes with the sleeve of his maroon hoodie.



"Yeah...?" I said, my voice coming out small and frail.


"Why are you crying?" He asked as his warm eyes flickered up to mine, his voice soft and jagged as it filled the air. I lifted a hand lightly to brush against my cheekbone to swipe away the water; I hadn’t even realized I was collecting under my eyes. I looked down at my tear kissed fingers. "Hey..." His voice called lightly as his larger hands softly wrapped around my wrists, "it’s okay."



I took in a deep inhale as Alex pulled my forward before he grasped my hips to lightly place my between his legs, "I didn't mean to scare you." He whispered into my hair as his lanky arms wrapped around my frail frame, pulling me closer to his warm body.



"I’m sorry." I spoke into his chest with a shaky voice, "I just felt so useless, I wanted to help, I- I- I just didn't know how!"



"Hey, hey, hey," he cooed unwrapping himself to take my head in his hands, "I’m okay see, I’m fine, I just had a little incident is all, I’m okay!"



I bit down on my lip as I lifted a hand to lightly cup his jaw, as if to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating, that he was here, and breathing. "I didn't mean to scare you; I didn't want you to see this." He muttered resting his head on my shoulder. "I’m sorry."



"Please don't be" I mumbled returning his grasp as I wrapped an arm around him to calmly press my palm to his shoulder blade. "You didn't scare me, I knew it would pass it just killed me to see you like that again."



"I know, I know," he hushed running a hand up my back, "I’m just re-"



"Alex THERE YOU ARE!" Zack sighed from the doorway as I turned to rebury my head in Alex's chest. "We gotta finish this show man," he sighed sending Alex a set of puppy dog eyes, though I couldn’t see them I knew they were there. "You okay to go back out?"



"Yeah actually," he said pulling his knees from under me as he stood somehow managing to lift me bridal style in the process before gently placing my feet on the floor, "can’t keep them waiting!" He said mustering up a smile as I leaned into his side, Alex's arm slung protectively over my shoulders as we stepped out into the hallway. My hand clutching at his shirt, in fear of letting go to have him slip away.



We stepped through a small dark hallway as Alex reached for my hand on his chest with his free one giving it a reassuring squeeze as if to say he’d be okay. We walked up to the wing of the stage to find the remainder of the band slouched over, our friends, which now also included Andrea and Cass along with the "crew" scattered about with worrisome looks that soon fell when they caught Alex's eyes.



I looked up at Alex as his arm fell from my shoulder before pulling me into a hug, "stop worrying, I’ll be okay." He said giving me a squeeze, "you don't have to tell them how you stopped it." He whispered in my ear before pulling back enough to catch my gaze, "it can stay between us again, if that’s what you want."



I bit down on my lip as my eyes graced the floor, is that what I wanted? I mean I wasn’t sure what Alex was saying, did he want me to tell them I helped him, or how i did it. Did he want to be ridiculed more so than we already were, or did he just enjoy them picking fun at me as it seems it never really bothered him. But the way he phrased it, was that what I wanted? Did I want my friends to know I kissed my best friend, who I said I hated just weeks ago. Did I want them to know about anything that happens when Alex and I are alone together, when we aren’t annoying one another. When we talk about real things and can be serious with one another, did I want my friends to have the chance to tamper with that over one kiss that clearly meant nothing to him.



"Alex," I blew out a breath looking up into his loving orbs as I sat on his words, "get on stage and knock em dead." I said before shoving him on stage as he left me with a confused look.



I sighed walking over and plopping down beside Andrea on a stage block. "How’d you do it?" A voice scoffed as I looked up to see Matt stumble up to stand before me.



"Huh?" I asked fiddling with the bracelets that littered my wrist not meeting his eyes.



"Alex I mean," He spoke motioning a hand towards the stage where they had already begun to get the show back on track, "how’d you calm him down so fast?"



I glanced down at the floor to the side as I thought. "Jasey...?" He cooed rocking on his toes.



"Oh uhm... I don't know." I said as my eyes dropped to my lap. "Maybe I just got lucky."

Notes