No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

"Will you stop that!" Cass tisked placing her hand on my knee as we sat up on two barstools waiting for the boys to finish setting up all the necessary equipment.


It had to have been the third time since we got there I was scolded for fidgeting like a squirrel on crack not including the countless times on the ride up which also included me nearly breaking the car's window with my constant up and down fiddling with the button, but I couldn't help it. I was on edge. And I couldn’t help the groan as it escaped my mouth when Cass asked why I was so nervous.


"I’m not nervous!" I insisted leaning my elbows onto the bar as I buried my face into my palms.


"Then why do you look like your about to rip your hair out?" She giggled gaining a glare from between my fingers.


"I’m not nervous," I stared letting out a tuff, "I’m nervous for Alex."


"Ha!" He laughed rolling her eyes, "figures!"


"What’s that supposed to mean?" I asked placing a hand on the wooden top letting the second continue to support my head as I glanced over at my brunette friend.


"Well I should have guessed it was Alex related."


"Well it’s not like I need to be nervous for Zack or my brother!" I protested holding both hands out, "and Jack is bound to trip over something tonight so why waste my breath, but Alex has that new song and its-" I halted taken in a sharp breath as my eyes grew wide.


"It’s what?" She asked as I choked on my own words. I had almost forgotten that I was the only one aside from Alex himself and well, Tom I guess who had heard the song. I couldn’t as well as up right and spill it just moments before she'd hear it herself.


"It’s nothing." I shook my head reburying my face in my hands. At this point Alex owed me big time for me taking extra shit to spare him. I had been mocked in the slightest since the previous afternoon at Alex's even though it was said Alex and I weren't doing anything, Cass was just having a ball thinking there was something more.


"Jasey, Cass!" A voice called as I turned hopping off the stool knowing exactly to whom it belonged to.


"MARCY!" I yelled all but flinging myself into his grasp.


"What’s up squirt!" He laughed ruffling my hair as I pulled from the hug. "Miss me?"


"Yeah!" I laughed as Cass joined my side, "I haven’t had a straight up conversation with you for like a week, IM MARC DEPRIVED!" I laughed pretending to be choking.


"Alrightly well now’s actually not a good time!" He spoke pointing his fingers at me much like people do when they're flustered as I scrunched my eyebrows looking up at him, "I actually need your help!"


"What’s going on?" A voice asked as I looked to my side as Andrea stepped into the previously unoccupied space as flustered as I.


"Emergency!" Marc ushered lightly pulling on my arm, "I’ll get her back to you guys before the show starts no worries!" He pulled me away as the tone of panic began to set in as if he forgot why he had come out at first and was now urgent to complete whatever task had sent him my way,


But why did he need my help?


"Marc what’s going on?" I asked as my voice lightly wavered by his fear.


"It’s Alex, he’s freaking out!" He spilled pulling a door to a long corridor open and pulling us inside, "Jack and Zack can’t calm him down and Rian told me to get you, that you knew what to do!"


"What’s wrong with him?" I asked flustered as he began to jiggle the knobs on various doors.


"I don't know I’ve never seen him like this-God damn it where’s the dressing room!" Marc yelled.


"Marc calm down!" I grasped his shoulder, "ALEX?" I called; the sound of desperation present in my tone was unaware to my subconscious mind.


I broke from Marcs grip as I sprinted down the hall towards the wallow that escaped a cracked door. It had not occurred to me as to what was going through Alex's mind and if I could even have been of aid, but either way he was my friend and I had to help.


"Alex!" I hollered throwing a door open to reveal Jack sitting on a tattered sofa with his head in his hands, Alex pacing back and forth as he impatiently mumbled to himself as he caressed his fingers through his now matted mop.


"Hey Alex!" I yelled lightly taking grasp of his shoulders to pull his attention back to earth. "Look at me!" I spoke shaking him lightly, "you need to look at me!"


He shut his eyes all together as his breath quickened to light puffs as he stumbled backwards, falling into the wall before sliding to his butt.


"ALEX LOOK AT ME!" I said sternly but keeping my tone down in fear of worsening his state of mine now as I squatted down before him. "Alex you need to calm down before you have an attack, you know you can do this!" I spoke taking his head in my hands to pull it up from between his knees, "this isn’t worth getting worked up over!"


"I can’t do it, I can’t, I can’t do it" he continued to mumble.


"Yes Alex, yes you can! Look at me!" His large warm eyes finally slip up to lock on my gray blue ones. Their color slowly becoming engulfed in a cloud of fear-


"ALL TIME LOW YOUR ON IN THREE!"


"Alex listen to me," I said calmly dropping to my knees fully, "I wouldn't tell you could do this if I didn't think you could" he looked up at me as fear racked his bones in disbelief, "I know what you guys can do, you just have to trust the guys and trust yourself, you are going to be amazing, you literally have nothing to worry about!"


"Alex?" Rian’s voice sounded behind me from the door way, his voice coming out calm and steady. "You ready?"


Alex looked over at me as if for permission to get on stage as I got to my feet and held my hand out to my friend. I helped Alex to his feet as I sent him a silent nod and a flat smile before he stepped through another door that lead to the stage and I spilled back out into the bar hoping for the best.


I knew he was nervous but why was he so worked up over the song. On any other day I would have ran to Cass and told I knew something was wrong. But today, it could wait. I was in splinters as I weaved through the crowd easily locating Andrea's red brown locks and tapping their shoulders.


"What happened?" Andrea asked curiously as she swayed to the random music playing through the speakers.


"Um nothing just bad nerves I guess," I said looking around the crowded bar, "they'll be fine."


"Is everyone alright?" Cass asked leaning her weight to one hip.


"Yeah, I just hope Alex can calm down or he’s going to have an attack." I muttered more so to myself than her.


"Attack?" Andrea asked smiling a bit, "like an asthma attack?"


My eyes widened at the realization neither of them knew. Both of the girls were oblivious to Alex's anxiety. I couldn’t blame them for not knowing and I didn't.


Anxiety isn’t something that just comes up, it’s not like he walked up to Cass or Andrea and said "hey my names Alex and on occasion I like to curl in a ball and have minor mental break downs till I pass out, nice to meet you." It hadn’t occurred to me when the last time he had an attack would have been. When I ran back there I hadn't even thought about his anxiety as it slipped my mind till I saw him. He only ever had them frequently when we were younger, which coincidently was just a year or so before I left. And I couldn’t help the pit that grew in my stomach in knowing that he could have had a panic attack and I wasn’t around to help. I left the wellbeing of my best friend’s mental state to Jack.

Jack.

Oh Jesus.


The two dropped my strange silence as the boys stepped on stage and the show commenced. I looked up and couldn’t help but glue my eyes to Alex. He was nervous. His movements were ridged as if his bones were lined with wire. I bit down on my lip knowing that soon enough the time would come.


Every time he glanced down on me after spotting me by Drea and Cass you could see the fear flash through his eyes. It worried me how absolutely petrified he was. The way his feet staggered to grasp the acoustic guitar from Marc's hand side stage and slide it over his shoulder. The way he shifted on the stool in front of the mic like no matter what he did he couldn't get comfortable, only elongating the whole process and straining his mind. The way sweat beaded over his forehead that wasn’t patched by his hair as he rubbed his palm against the fabric of his jeans. The way he fidgeted to place his fingers to their proper place on the neck. How he slowly closed his eyes to level his breathing knowing where his mind had begun to travel to. How his chest began to rise and fall at an increasingly fast pace as his face was painted with a flushed red. His eyes darting around the bar in a frantic fashion as his face grew red quickly before draining of color all together.


"Jasey..." Cass's voice called worryingly as everyone stood awaiting for him to play. "What’s he doing?"


I looked over at my friend and could tell my thoughts were as hidden as clown in a law firm. Her eyes grew wide at the realization something was wrong. Very wrong.


"Jasey, what’s he doing?" She repeated more urgently.


"Having a panic attack"

Notes