No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

I’d been sitting home alone for a few hours, silently, and painfully, flicking through every channel our TV had to offer, not even processing what each second of every channel displayed before I moved on. I wasn’t even actually looking in the screen's direction majority of the time. My mind was somewhere else. It wasn’t like I could do much. Rian was at band practice at Matts, Cass was probably with them, oblivious to my where a bouts and I didn’t want to locate my phone and talk to anyone. I just wanted to sit and exist for a while.


If Alex wanted to suck face with Tammy, fine by me. But I was in no way, shape, or form going to associate with him while he did. It wasn’t that I wanted to guilt him into not being with her, it wasn’t that at all. I was just looking out for myself, something that someone had to do, so I might as well have. I didn’t want to be around Tammy period. Her raging sex life and sexual disease transcript was none of my business,and if Alex wanted his name on the list, fine. But avoiding any crossing of mine and Tammy's paths was at all costs in my best interest, and honestly, at the time I had no real attachment to Alex. We still weren’t as close of friends as we used to be, mostly because but he was always too busy babying me, and I was too freaked out to trust him fully, our friendship was a ticking time bomb, so I might as well have defused it before it blew up in my face.


It was about the fourteenth time I had seen the eighth SpongeBob episode flash by as the door clicked open and by the sound of light heals, Julie stepped in, unless my dad decided to wear heels that fine day. "Jasey?" She spoke my name as if surprised I was home, which in all honesty should have been no shock to her. I mumbled out a "hey mom" before getting up and stepping in to her slow embrace. As Julie’s arms wrapped around me it was almost as if she could sense I wasn’t in my best standing and her arms bound tighter sending a shooting pain up my side. Pain? Yes pain. I had no idea why I was in pain but as I stepped out from her hug I tentatively wrapped my arms around my sides to coddle the ache.


“You okay darling?” she asked noticing my swift change in domineer.


“Uh yeah, I’m just tired.” I managed out, “I think I’m just going to take a nap if that’s okay.”


“That’s fine, I just came to drop off a few things but I have to head back to the office, you want me to pick you up anything on my way home tonight?” she asked and I just shook my head no before she placed a light kiss on my forehead and turned for the kitchen. I slowly back stepped towards the stairs till my mom was fully out of sight and I spun on my toes, darting for my room.


I ran down the hall reaching my bedroom and pushing the door open, allowing it to come to a close behind me. My eyes slid shut as I let out one last exhale and lifting the hem of my crop top up to my bra line, I opened my eyes and turned my head to look at the area of the pain’s origins in the mirror. My eyes ran over the area. I’d been hoping nothing would be there but his rough hands had already left bruises all up my sides and bicep, it looked like I was beaten even though I hadn’t been. Images of Riley running through my brain, each snippet tailed with a comment from Alex, his words bouncing back and forth on the walls of my brain.


"Don't say I didn't warn you!"
"He's no good!"
"He's bad news"
"That's exactly what im worried about"
Alex's words rang through my head on a constant never ending loop of "I told you so"s
and the last one ran through my mind more then the rest, the one word almost in bold,
worried.


How could I think that if I came back everyone would treat me normally? Everyone was thinking it, but Alex was the only one dumb enough to show it, everyone was walking on eggshells around me. Afraid to hit soft spots and send me into a mental break down, to say the wrong thing and cause me to leave again. Well that wasn’t going to happen, and maybe it would if everyone continued to treat me the way they had been, all I wanted was to go back to my normal life. Where I didn’t have friends who worried about sending me running for the hills and I had my one true friend I could lean on.


But that was all taken away from me. I thought that by coming back, I'd win. I'd prove my birth mother wrong and show that I could face my problems and I could surround myself with things that brought me pain and walk with my head held high, but all I did was surround the people around me with the burdens I'd been carrying around. She had won. I lost my friendships, I lost my sense of familiarity, I lost my ability to trust, I lost my bond with my brother, I lost my bond with my parents, I lost my best friend. And I let him walk away, no. I pushed him out the door. I had no right to be mad about any of that.


Because the worst part of it all was, that I caused all of that. I ruined everyone else’s lives around me with my petty issues and I had the balls to blame everyone else but myself. I was a failure. I was always bound in my own self-pity, so much so I hadn't even noticed the tears that had been freely streaming from my eyes since the moment I drifted. I sat on my floor as I ran my thumb back and forth over the engraved lettering on the pendent. “I’m sorry.” I choked out.


“This is all my fault.”


“I’m sorry!” I cried again.


“I can’t hurt you anymore” I stood to no one in particular at the time, “I can’t do this, this isn’t fair”


Before I could think I was stepping over to my window and fiddling with the safety tab through tear clustered eyes before sliding it open. “I’m a monster,” I cried out all but ripping the pendent from my neck, “I’m sorry!” I yelled tossing it to the grass below and falling onto my knees.


“I’m sorry”


“I’m so sorry”


“I’m so sorry” I cried as I crawled to the end of my bed.


“I’m sorry.
“I’m sorry
“I’m sorry” I kept repeating over and over until my breathing slowly returned to its normal pace and the tear stained streaks dried to my face in stiff lines. I sat for what felt like forever just listening to my own heart beat as it pounded against my ears. As my breath left my mouth and carried fresh air to my lungs. I sat perfectly still not thinking a single though until Julie's voice rang through the home, un-phased by my outburst that was either unheard or swept under the rug.


“Jasey I’m heading back for another meeting okay?” Julie yelled up the stairs as I heard the door click open, “Are you sure you-” she paused a beat.


“Am I sure I what?” I yelled down with a shaky tone after not hearing anything for a few brief moments.


“Jasey there is a boy here to see you.” she spoke in that nosey motherly tone, you could almost feel the smile in her voice as it carried up the stairs.


I had assumed it was Marc or maybe Matt even when I told her to send him up and she went on her ways. I stayed sitting at the foot of my bed looking out the window at where I had just discarded Alex's necklace, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel bad about it. maybe me and him had just been too far apart for too long, maybe we just grew up to be too different of people, maybe neither of us were the people we used to be, and maybe because of that we would never have worked. I closed my eyes and let out another deep sigh, finally steadying my breaths as light muffled knocks sounded from my door way.


“Hey.” I said not knowing which of the boys had come to my comfort.


“Hey.” the voice spoke in a raspy tone and my stomach sank to my butt as my head spun to the doorway and my eyes were met by a second blue set.


“Riley?”

Notes