I wish I could

Finally I had gotten away from the others. It was a warm summer evening and I had snuck out of the bus to have some alone time. I was going to sort out the Jack issue.

First of all, why did I think these thoughts about him? The easiest explanation would be that my brain was slightly fixated on him but I was pretty sure that might not be the only reason.

Let’s face it; I thought about him abnormally much. He was on my mind when getting up, when eating, showering, singing, playing the guitar, going to bed and even in my dreams he was present. I thought about him constantly.

But what did that mean? I really didn’t want to deal with this, it was so wrong. But I had to admit it to myself.

IwasmaybeatinylittlebitinlovewithJack. But just the tiniest bit. Not much.
OKAY I WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM. Maybe a lot.

Oh God. This was not good. This would probably cause quite some problems. Matt. Jealousy. My breathing got shallow as I thought about Matt hurting Jack. I could not let that happen.

“Calm down Alex. It will be okay,” I told myself, already shaking a little. This would probably develop into a panic attack. I remembered my pills and took one half of the pinkish little things.

This would calm me down. In the meantime, I could think about what to do next.

I had two options. First one, forget it and never talk about it. Not that nice but also the more convenient one. Second, talk to Jack. Just the thought of it made me feel a new wave of fear in me. It was still the better one though, only, how to tell him?

I started pacing on the dry, dusty ground. Confronting him directly, face to face? No, too much pressure and panic. Texting him? Too unpersonal. But! A letter. I was going to write a letter to Jack and tell him about how I felt.

I hurried back to the bus, ignoring everyone’s annoyed huffs and puffs about where I had been at. I scrambled for a piece of paper and a pen and started to write.

“Dear Jack,
I have discovered something. I hope it is not too blunt for you.
I love you.
Let me tell you, it took a long time to find out and I am really nervous. I have prepared something. Meet me under the tree close to the big, graffitied house close to the backstage area at 7pm tomorrow. I have prepared something.
Yours,
Alex”

This was usually not what I would write but it seemed fine in this context. I hid it under Jack’s pillow, knowing he would flip it over at some point. The thing I had prepared… was actually not prepared yet. I grabbed my guitar and started strumming, words already gathering in my head. I was going to write a song for Jack.

Notes

Jalex is developing!!! c:
I think this is a weird chapter, it is not how I usually write. Tell me what you think! :)

-Laura