Better Off This Way

Days left in the tour: 4
Actual days left: 8

This was going to kill me. I guess Rian had told Zack about what was going on and that’s why he didn’t talk to me yesterday. But today was just the same. No cuddles. No walk. No goddamned coffee. And I was going to talk it through with him, I just have to end the ridiculous mess I’ve made.

I jumped out of my bunk after I heard Zack come back on. He didn’t look sweaty at all, it didn’t even look like he’d worked out. He sat down on the couch with a coffee cup in his hand and a frown on his face, no sign of happiness and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of me. I walked over and sat next to him, still only in one of his shirts and boy short undies- I have no shame.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing, Blithe.” He looked down at the lid on his cup and averted my eyes at all costs, why did they both do this?

“Look, Zack,” I tried to get his attention but he still wouldn’t look at me. He averted looking at me like I was Medusa and he was afraid to be turned to stone. This was getting ridiculous. “So I told Neil what happened, why is that such a big deal?”

He sighed and looked up into my eyes, they were red and brimmed with tears, he had been crying. “Am I just a mistake to you?” I was taken aback by his words, my words. Rian had told him, Rian told him that I made a huge mistake, and Zack was a part of it.

“Zack, I-”

“Save it Blithe.” He scoffed and stood up. “The only thing holding me back from kicking you out right now is the fact that you’ve been bus hopping and you need to stick to one fucking bus. So make yourself comfortable for the last days because you won’t be hearing from me.”

“What?” I furrowed my brows and waited for him to say something but he didn’t.

--

“Vic, I just don’t understand what to do anymore.” I held my face in my hands and did my best to keep from crying, I’ve cried too much the past few days and I just don’t think I could bear to shed another tear at this point.

“What do you want to do?” He asked.

“I. Don’t. Know.” I repeated the same words to him, the same words that I would repeat until I did know the answer.

“Well what’s going on between everyone?” He tried to get more knowledge on the situation.

“So here’s the thing,” I briefed him on all the drama. “First: I got into a fight with Neil and stayed on the ATL bus, I got drunk and kind of kissed Zack and then fell asleep on him and then Neil and I got into another fight and Zack and I got kind of cozy and such but then after I made up with Neil the second time, I had sex with Zack. Then when I told Neil that I was leaving him, he knew why but I couldn’t tell him. So I just did and now he’s forgiven me and wants to get back together but I need to mend things with Zack and he won’t talk to me because he knows that me being with him was a mistake that I can’t take back.”

“Well,” he let the information sink in. “I see the problem.”

“Jesus Christ, Vic, I came to you for answers, not understanding.” I whined. “What do you think I should do?”

“Hmm…” He rubbed his chin. “This is a rough situation, I’m sure there are many ways to approach it. Have you apologized to Zack and told him everything that Neil told you?”

“Well I told Zack that Neil knows about our… Rendezvous, but I never mentioned that Neil wanted to get back together or anything.” I said. “I was going to but he yelled at me and asked if he was a mistake and said that he won’t kick me out of the bus because I’ve been bus hopping all throughout the tour.”

“All right,” Vic nodded, “do you think that being with him was a mistake?”

“Yes.” I admitted and it felt really good to spill this to someone. “I mean, coming on this tour was a mistake to be honest,” I continued. “Before the tour, Neil and I were inseparable whenever he was home and we spent a lot of time talking on the phone telling each other how much we loved each other and things like that but then I came on tour and I just- I was attracted to Zack and I acted on it, which was completely wrong.”

“And why did you act on your feelings for Zack?” Vic wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “Were you hoping to end up with him?”

“Something about him just pulled me…” I thought back to the night in Seattle where we kissed for the first time, that night when I stayed for the whole concert the first time. “Like that night when we kissed in Seattle,” I continued my thoughts out loud.

“Tell me about that.” Vic nodded and listened to the story.

“Well it started before ATL played, he kissed me on the cheek before he went on and cheek kissing is just friendly, so I thought nothing of it. But then afterwards and you guys played well…”



I watched the guys run out from stage left, first Mike, then Jaime, Vic, and then Tony. They immediately started playing Bulls in the Bronx. They were all jumping around with so much life and energy that I couldn’t help but move around too.

“Enjoying yourself?” Zack looked amused.

“Yeah, aren’t you?” I laughed and danced as he just stood still.

“Of course I am.” He smiled.

“Dance with me then!” I yelled over the music.

“I’ll pass.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer!” I pulled his hands and forced him to move around with me, jumping and swaying all over the place. Other people were looking but we didn’t care. I could tell that the song was over so we slowed our dancing down to a mild sway at this point.

“See, that was fun.” I laughed.

“Yes it was.” He started leaning in but I hardly even cared. I leaned in as well and his lips were only inches away from mine. His lips finally pressed against mine but only for a second. PTV left the stage and more people started to appear to set up for ATL’s performance. Time seemed to fly by but I was hardly even paying attention, Zack was the only thing I could focus on right now.



“So that’s what happened,” Vic laughed. “I saw you two dancing and I thought you were just enjoying the music.”

“Vic, I love your music!” I laughed. “I seriously need to pick up some shirts from your merch table before the tour is over.”

“Well anyways, what about the other times when you kissed, did you think it was serious?”

“Uh there was one night in Portland and I was drunk and fell asleep on their bus but I don’t really remember what happened.” I shrugged.

“Let’s just focus on the times you do remember.” He nodded and let me recollect my thoughts into words.

“Well I do know that after that night, Neil was upset.” I explained. “That was our first tour fight I guess.”



We stopped at a rest area to stop for a little bit, just to go out and get some fresh air. I was still in yesterday’s clothes, unfortunately, and I hadn’t showered yet. I felt gross but how was I supposed to get ready without my things? As I got off the bus, I noticed that there were a few other busses. Neil walked out of one of them and headed towards the bathrooms. You little shit. I thought to myself as I went over to the bus so I could grab a clean change of clothes.

“There you are!” Jeremy laughed. “We missed you last night, what happened?”

“Oh I just kind of passed out on ATL’s bus after I finished their profiles.” I explained.

“Got it,” he nodded and scratched his neck. “Neil was complaining last night.”

“About?” I made my way to my bunk so I could grab some clothes.

“Mostly about you being with some other guys and not him but it’s not like he was totally bitching and moaning about it.” He spoke a bit louder so I could hear him.

“What was he saying about that?” I was curious now. Neil had brought me on this tour and I wanted to get the whole tour experience, not be cooped up in his tour bus for an entire two months.

“Who are we talking about?” Neil’s voice entered the conversation.

“You,” I walked over to him and placed a small kiss on his lips. “I heard that you missed me.”

“That I did.” He smirked. “Are you staying with me tonight or are you going to ditch me again for your new besties?”

“Whoa there, hold on.” I laughed. “Last time I checked, it was you who left me after I passed out over there. If you don’t remember, I was planning on coming home last night.”

“Oh hey look,” Jeremy got up from the couch. “I’m just gonna go check out that bird outside, it looks pretty rad.”

“Don’t blame this on me.” Neil let go of my sides and took a step back.

“Wow, sorry for even pointing out what fucking happened.” I grabbed my backpack and bag of clothes and walked towards the door.

“Where are you going now?” He sounded even more irritated than he had before, his voice echoing off the walls in the bus.

“Back to my ‘besties.’” I made sure to put besties in air quotes as I got off the bus and tried my best not to slam the door behind me. I got a few unsure glances from surrounding crew and band members as I made my way back over to the ATL bus again.



“So you just went back to ATL’s bus, and that was the first time you stayed overnight officially?” I nodded as an answer. “So what made the two of you make up again?”



“Oh man, I had a great time.” Zack walked me back to the bus with his arm still around my shoulder.

“Me too,” I agreed.

“Anyways, I have to go do a sound check and then I will be right back so we can have something for dinner.” He nodded and parted ways from me. I wandered back to the bus but bumped into someone on the way.

“Oh, sorry.” I mumbled.

“Blithe?” I looked at the man. “I haven’t seen you in a while...”

“Neil, um, how are you?” I tried not to act awkward but we haven’t exactly been talking for a while.

“Blithe, are you serious right now? We’re on the same fucking tour and you haven’t even bothered to come back and talk to me at all.” He tried his best not to roll his eyes at me. “Honestly, what have you been doing?”

“Well I mean, just hanging around All Time Low’s bus…” My voice trailed off. I kind of felt like one of those kids who constantly got in trouble for running off.

“It’s not like I haven’t missed you, Blithe.” He took a small step forward and took my hands. “I’m really sorry…”

“You didn’t do anything Neil.” I rubbed circles on the back of his palms with my thumbs. His face softened and looked down at me.

“I was just being a jealous dick, can you forgive me?” He asked.

I nodded and pulled him in for a long hug.

“So does this mean that you’ll come back to the bus? I’ve missed my cuddle buddy.” He asked quietly.

And that’s when it hit me. I’ve been so selfish… While I was off forgetting about Neil by getting cozy with Zack, Neil was stuck without anybody to hold and that must have been worse than when he usually went out on tour. I never should have left him in the first place but being with Zack felt so right… The two of them were really making this hard on me but the decision should be easier than this right?

“Blithe?” Neil pulled me back from my thoughts.

“Yeah I think I will come back.” I managed to pull away from my rambling mind. We let go of each other and I kissed him on the cheek softly. “I’m going to go and gather up my things… Then I’ll go let the guys know.”

“Hurry back.” He laughed.



“And all of that was back in Illinois, but after that I felt like everything would be okay so I thought that I’d break off the flirtation that I had with Zack so Neil wouldn’t be hurt.” I explained.

“What happened after that?” He asked.

“Well, I left Zack a note and then he didn’t talk to me for a few days, but after that, we slept together and that’s when everything really fell apart.”

“How’d it start?” He cocked his head to the side.



“Hey Blithe,” Zack approached me in the parking lot.

“Oh hey Zack.” I breathed as if he hadn’t been ignoring me for the past few days. I scratched my arm and looked up at him hopefully; did this mean he wasn’t mad after all?

“So… Do you still want to go for a jog or something?” He asked.

“Yeah, we can go.” I nodded and followed him to a car. He jumped in and patted the passenger seat, telling me to come in.

“Whose car is this?” I asked as I buckled myself up.

“Right, this is Matt’s car, and we are borrowing it to go to a very nice trail close by.” He explained.

“Well then drive away sir.” I smiled and watched all the scenery pass. It wasn’t long before he parked the car.

We sat in silence for a moment just long enough for a few minutes to pass. I leaned back in my chair and turned to look at Zack. Why hadn’t I stayed with him instead? I feel like I’m only with Neil because I feel like I have to, but Zack is a completely different story. He turned his head so he was facing me as well, his eyes seemed like they peered right into my soul.

“Look Blithe, I like you a lot okay and I can’t really help it anymore.” Zack blurted out.

“Zack I-” Saying that I couldn’t think of anything to say would be too obvious. Here I was sitting in a car with such a great guy and I can’t think of anything to say to him.

“What?” He seemed desperate, waiting for me to say something would be the death of him. With lack of anything better to say, I leaned across the car and kissed him softly. He kissed back without hesitation and soon his tongue grazed over my bottom lip. My moth opened without even realizing it and I moaned softly. Our hands were wandering over each other’s bodies, trying to get even closer than we already were.



“And it just, it just happened Vic.” I shook my head. “You know, I’m not even sure what washed over me, honestly. I feel like I just wasn’t being myself and all of this was just me trying to maybe stop Neil from being so clingy on tour because I just wasn’t used to it but now I know that it just fucked things up, I guess.”

“So maybe you should apologize to Zack.” Vic suggested. “If these are your true feelings then you can’t deny Zack of knowing how you actually feel. You like him, yes, but maybe just as a best friend and not a lover. I feel like Neil has that spot filled and Zack was just a rebellious phase.” Pause. “Besides, Neil has forgiven you and he understands what happened so there’s no need to worry.” I nodded in agreement, pulling Vic into a long overdue hug.

“But what if he won’t listen?” I asked.

“For now, you should go back to your bunk on ADTR’s bus or you could stay in one of our extras so you can clear your head and go into neutral territory, that way you don’t get into any more trouble and you’re not tempted for the remaining days.”

“You think that would be a good idea?” I asked.

“Of course, I can help you plan out how this is going to work and we all love having you around.” He rubbed my shoulder.

“Alright,” I nodded, “But this will be my last bus hop, okay?”

“I’m not going to make you go anywhere!” He threw his hands up in the air. “So gather up your things I guess and then we can finish up this tour, Vic Style.”

Notes

Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong chapter and full of quite a few flashbacks, huh? Sorry about this but it helped me reflect on the book and kind of helped me realize what exactly happened. It was a refresher and I thought it would help me make a decision. Also, what exactly is "Vic Style?" I guess you'll just have to wait and see ;)