Better Off This Way

I fell back into the same boring routine as I was doing the previous days. Yesterday I realized just how wrong I had been and since then my mind has been a raging mess. It was even difficult for me to focus on my relationship with Zack. He tried to get me to snuggle up next to him last night but I just couldn’t be bothered with anything while I was deep in thought.

But now I lay in my bunk and waited for Zack to come in and lie next to me, cuddle me until we went off to work out or get coffee. I heard someone jump down from their bunk and land on the ground, barefoot. I knew it was Zack, he landed on the same spot every morning and then he came in to my bunk before we did anything else, but there was nothing. He didn’t come into my bunk, there was no snuggling, and there was no morning warmth.

I opened the curtain and leaned my head out to see who was up. Zack was in the kitchen, wearing his basketball shorts and headed out the door with his headphones in. I sunk back under the covers and went back to bed; there was no need to wake up now anyways.

--

“Wake up,” I was being shaken by strong hands. The blankets around me were crumpling and shaking with me. “Wake the fuck up,” the voice repeated. I finally opened my eyes and admitted defeat, waking up so the shaking would stop.

“I’m up, I’m up.” I groaned and wiped the hands away to look up at- well guess who- Jack.

“Jesus, I never thought that you’d actually wake up.” He laughed and sat at the edge of my bunk, a wide smile on his face.

“Why’d you wake me up asshole?” I mumbled.

“Well there’s someone here to see you and you were busy sleeping in until the afternoon.” He cocked an eyebrow. “It’s two o’ clock ya know.”

“Is Zack back yet?” I buried myself into the pillow.

“Uh no actually, the last time I saw him was when he left the bus at around nine this morning.” Jack shrugged. “But yeah so uh, you really do have a guest so you’d better get your lazy ass out of bed.” And with that, he left. Not another word between us was shared. I decided that now would be a good idea to actually get up and see who would actually come and see me. I placed my feet on the ground and pushed myself out of bed. I was wearing one of Zack’s shirt and a pair of shorts. Neil stood at the front of the bus with his hands shoved into his pockets, looking around the front lounge until his eyes landed on me.

“Hey.” I held onto my arm.

“Hey.” He had a slight smile on his face. “I think we need to revisit our talk.”

“Ooooooooooooooo.” Jack sat on the couch and shook his shoulders, making fun of the situation like a child.

“Alright, let me just put on some clothes real quick.” I walked back and grabbed some jeans and a sweatshirt, throwing on my vans and walking back to the front to see Neil. He was still standing where I had left him and Jack still had a stupid smile on his face and he looked up at us with innocence. Neil let me out of the bus first, then leading me down the street to a coffee shop.

“So I’ve been thinking about what you said.” He sat down at a table across from me with the coffee orders we would always get when we would go out for coffee.

“And?” I inquired for an answer.

“Well,” he took a long sip of his coffee and looked back up at me. “I just think it was stupid of me to just leave and not say anything.” He paused. “I mean, I was a major dick and I just- just.” Sigh. “Can I just know why? Why you did it, I mean.”

“Well. We got into a few fights on tour and I guess I just felt out of place and I’m not someone who can be alone a lot.” I paused to think about everything that did happen. “The second we fought and I came back; I just kind of felt the need to finish things up with Zack maybe? I don’t know.” I rubbed my forehead and pinched the bridge of my nose. “I just didn’t think that it would last long and- I just- I wasn’t planning on it, alright?” I felt tears building up again, so many emotions came up at once and I wasn’t sure how to deal with them. “He told me how much he liked me and it was in the moment so I just kissed him and then it ended up turning into more. And I can’t take any of it back no matter how much I want to and I just want you to know that.”

He nodded his head and reached across the table to set his hand on top of mine. “I understand.” He had a sad smile on his face, knowing that I am truly sorry. The rest of the coffee trip consisted of just that, sipping away and sharing sad smiles. I wasn’t really sure if he had truly forgiven me though.

“So do you want to restart?” He asked while we were walking back to the busses.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, I think that there’s obviously something here.” He explained. “I love you so, so much and I think that there’s a part of you that still loves me and maybe when we get back from tour and you can move out if you want so we can go back to our dating days when things were so simple. And then we can move on from there, at whatever pace you desire.”

The offer was tempting and to be honest I never thought anything about our breakup and what would happen after we got back from tour. I sighed, the only response that would happen. “I have to think about it.” I pondered.

“Well the tour ends in a few days and I just want you to be happy.” He patted my shoulder and walked off and looked back when he got to his bus, smiling adorably and waving before going inside. I felt something in my stomach, a feeling to go back to Neil but that nagging voice came back to tell me to be with Zack. What the hell did I get myself into?

Notes

I didn't think this could wait a week.