Better Off This Way

Ever since I broke up with Neil, things have been going so well. Zack asked me to be his girlfriend last night and I had completed all of my articles, and the tour still had a few dates left! Tonight we would be in Norfolk, VA and it was going to be a great show, I could already feel it. Adam was going to let me take a few shots for tonight’s concert so I could take photos for my future articles. It was so exciting knowing that it was going to be a good show, minus the fact that I was going to be around Neil. Now don’t get me wrong, he’s great and all but it’s been awkward. Like just the other day I went to get food and he just stared at me, he just stared. Do you have any idea how fucking creepy that is? But I can’t let him faze me. He needs to move on.

“Deep thoughts?” Rian asked.

“Yeah, just thinking about Neil,” I sighed as I admitted this to him. Something about Rian always told me that I could trust him; I’m not quite sure what it is. He sat down next to me on the couch and placed a light hand on my knee.

“You know that it’s not all your fault right?” He asked.

“What do you mean?” I scoffed. “I cheated on my boyfriend and then I dumped him for a guy that I didn’t know very well at the time!”

“You were following your heart.” He tried to reason with me. “I mean, you might not know it now but he could end up being your soul mate. All you do know is that you’re with him because a part of you knew something better would happen with him. So now you’ve got to find out why.”

I paused and thought of something to say. The only thing that came to mind would make me sound childish, but I said it anyways. “Was it like that with you and Cass?” I asked softly.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I mean, we didn’t have one of those stupid love triangles or anything but I definitely fell hard and fast for her.” I thought about his words. Yes, love triangles were shitty and there’s always that one person who gets their heart broken. But on the other side, he did fall for Cass just as hard as I’m falling for Zack and there’s no point to deny it. I will feel what I feel.

“So what do I do now?” I asked.

“Well,” he spoke calmly. “You need to get closure. He needs to get closure. There are obvious opened wounds with both of you and you need to get them stitched up so he can move on.” Rian was right, and I hated to admit it. He played the role of an older brother that I didn’t really want sometimes but I was very grateful to have. For some reason he was always there to offer advice or some sort of calm for anyone who needed it, which is why he’s almost like the band’s dad.

“Thanks Rian.” I pulled him into a really tight hug. He laughed slightly before wrapping his arms around me as well. “You’ve been a really big help throughout this.” I whispered.

“I try.” We let go of each other and I went out of the bus. Now I was on a quest.

--

I went to the bus and knocked on the door, there wasn’t any sound but the lights were on. I heard footsteps coming towards the door and it was opened by none other than Neil. “Oh not you,” he muttered and frowned, starting to close the door.

“Neil I just need to talk to you.” I tried to tell him. The door opened back up and he faced me, towering over me in the bus doorway but giving me his full attention. The light from the bus cast a shadow on the ground, colder than I’d hoped it to be. He still had a frown plastered on his face, there was no trace of happiness and he looked just about drained of any emotion as soon as I’d showed up. One hand was on the door handle while the other held onto the railing.

“’Talk?’” He repeated my words and took a step out of the bus, slamming the door behind him, making me flinch at his anger. “Last time we talked you told me that you cheated and ripped out my fucking heart, so what the hell do you want to do now, huh? Did you leave something left unbroken because I’m pretty damn sure that you didn’t leave a single piece of me unharmed.” And then I noticed his eyes brimmed with tears, the sign of weakness he never showed to anyone, never wanting his guard to break. “Well, spit it out Blithe, I don’t have all day.”

I looked to the ground beside me, different scenarios playing out in my head of how this could play out but none seemed appealing. I wasn’t expecting sympathy, shit; I’m the bad guy here. I could feel the tears coming out and the only thing going through my head were chants of negatives. “I just- I’m so fucking sorry Neil.” And then I broke. Tears flowed down my cheeks and through the blurs it almost looked like Neil’s face had softened but I knew that in his rage there’s no way that it could happen. But I was proven wrong when he pulled me into a hug. It was sympathetic, nothing close to forgiving, I mean who could forgive someone like me after what I did?

“Can you at least tell me what really happened?” His voice was calm, not a trace of anger left but curiosity. “And stop crying for fuck’s sake, I don’t want to cause a scene.” He let out a sad laugh to lighten up the mood so I let go o him and sniffled to stop myself from crying anymore. I waved my eyes to dry up my eyes a bit and Neil rubbed the tears from under my eyes with his thumbs. “Sorry,” he stammered, “it’s uh, it’s a habit.”

“Thanks.” I mumbled and looked down to regain my composure. I gulped down my feelings and looked back up into his sad hazel eyes, he deserved to know. “That day when I went ‘jogging,’” I used air quotes around jogging. This part I couldn’t tell him myself, there’s no way on earth that I could see him hurt more than he is right now. “We actually had sex… In Matt’s car.” I felt like the last part was unnecessary but it was a detail nonetheless. I bit my lip and looked back at him. He looked almost surprised but his mouth was open as he ran his fingers by the edges of his mouth. His lips pursed and he nodded, placing his hands on hips trying to think of something to say. “Are you going to say anything?” I asked quietly.

“I don’t really have a response.” He shook his head and averted my gaze, he couldn’t even look me in the eyes. He walked alongside the bus and sat down in front of the back wheel, putting his head in his hands. I walked over to him and sat in front of him, our knees only a few inches away from each other. We sat in silence for a while, there was nothing say except for “I’m sorry” and I’ve said that so much that it’s lost all meaning.

He finally looked up and his eyes were red and puffy, I couldn’t even hear him crying. It must be a talent, I thought to myself while he wiped away at nothing under his eyes. “So you really did it?” He picked up his knees and held them close to his chest, looking down at his hands in front of his legs.

“If I said ‘no’ then I’d be a terrible liar.” I stated plainly. He looked up at me and had a skeptical look on his face. I just wish I could get inside his head so I could know what he was thinking. He got up and walked over to the door, going inside without saying another word. I felt terrible, I knew that I’d fucked things up so bad but there was a small part of me telling me to go back to him, run into his arms and kiss him until we were all made up. But then there was the other part of me saying that I needed to finish what I’d started and stay with Zack. Both relationships were great and both guys were just shy of being perfect. Maybe my thoughts needed reconsidering.

Footsteps were nearing me and I looked up to see Rian. “So you did it?” He sat down on the ground next to me with his hands shoved in his pockets.

“Rian,” I looked at the tire as I spoke. “I think I made a huge mistake.”

Notes

Never again, never again, no, will I leave you high and
Never again, never again, no
Never again, never again, no, will I leave you high and dry
This time, I more than mean it

I'm sorry, I'm not what you wanted, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I let you down and
I could use some poor excuse 'cause the hardest thing to say,
It's the hardest thing to say in the world;
I'm sorry, Yeah, I'm sorry

Thanks to The Maine for saying what I couldn't say to you. But I left you guys hanging for about a month! What is wrong with me?? This chapter is weird and I'm not sure how I feel about it but it turned out alright. I guess. I think I'm ending this soon though. Tell me what you think and who she should be with because I revisited the other chapters and now I can't decide where the hell this story is going. Thanks for your patience and I'll update in a week... Maybe.