Fear of Falling Apart

So, here's a recap of the past few weeks. Jack and I spent a lot of time together on the road playing a few venues. Our EP got us a ton of fans and we're absolutely stoked that this childhood dream of being in a band is actually happening. Me especially. If we weren't in this band, who knows where I'd be or if i'd even be here at all. Yes, Jack helped me, but you never know.

A new record label, Hopeless Records, wants to sign us, so we're leaving Emerald Moon and we're meeting with Hopeless later. Right now we're scattered all over the living room in our LA home. Rian's sitting on the ground against the wall near the wall outlet that isn't by the couch or the chair because he's charging his phone, I'm sitting on the couch with my feet on the top of the couch and my head dangling off the edge of the couch, Zack is in the corner of the room blasting music in his ears and lifting weights and Jack is sitting at the island by the kitchen talking to Vinny about stupid shit.

Keith made Vinny stay here with us to watch us, but he would've been better off making Matt stay here. He is much more responsible than Vinny, but whatever.

"Alex, if you keep watching TV like that, you're going to get a headache." Vinny shouts from the kitchen. I scoff and continue to watch what's on. Ridiculousness is on. "I warned you."

"I've been doing this for ten minutes." i tell him.

"How have you not passed out yet?" Rian asks. Jack laughs and I smile.

"Because, I'm cool." i say, kicking my feet over my head and trying to land without face planting. I failed.

"Fail." Vinny comments. I sit up and glare at him. "Might want to clean up your situation right now." i feel my nose and groan. I'm an idiot. I stand up and head for the stairs and Jack comes with me. We get into the bathroom and hands me a tissue.

"You're a dork." Jack giggles. I roll my eyes and stare at him. "Hold you head up and put pressure on it." he laughs.

"How are you a rock star? You should be a doctor."

"Doctors deal with needles and blood and... ew." he visibly shivers and I smile.

"There's the girly part of you." I giggle. I look in the mirror and smile. My hair has grown back to it's normal length and so has Jack's. "Jack. We have to get your hair colored."

"Yeah, I was going to ask if you wanted to come." Jack smiles. I pull the tissue away from my nose and dab at it until I know it stopped bleeding.

"Of course, i do. Maybe I'll get some color." I smile.

"PINK!" he shouts. I roll my eyes. He's a loser. I toss the tissue out and turn around. I wrap my arms around Jack's waist and kiss him. "I love you."

"I love you too." I smile. "Should we be getting ready for that meeting now, or...?" I ask him.

"BOYS! TIME TO GET READY!" Keith shouts. I look at Jack and he laughs. We head into the hallway and look at Keith. "Gotta look nice so I set suits on your beds."

"Eww." i groan, walking into my room. I see a white dress shirt, a gray suit jacket, a black tie, but to my relief, I see black skinny jeans. Phew.

I throw it all on and head into the hall. I put on a pair of converse downstairs and wait for everyone else. RIan comes down next and he's wearing a black and thin white striped v-neck and a gray jacket with skinny jeans. He bows and I laugh.

"You're an idiot."

"Says the one with a bruised nose." he says. I touch my nose and wince, glaring at him. "There is actually a bruise there. Way to go."

"Shut it." I mutter. Zack comes down next in a black dress shirt, black sui jacket and skinny jeans as well. "Do I really have a bruise on my nose?" i ask, in a panic.

"Yeah, little bit." Zack says. I groan and fall back on the couch. I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and sit up to see Jack.

He's wearing a white dress shirt, a black suit jacket, a black tie, skinny jeans and black hightops. His hair is straightened so it's hanging over his foreheard. He's so hot. I stare at him a minute before I feel his lips connect with mine.

"Awww!" Zack and Rian shriek. I smile at Jack whose face is still right in front of mine.

"You look cute, Lex." he tells me. i smile. "Especially with that little bruise on your nose." he says. i push him and he giggles. I stand up and grab him by his tie, pulling him close to me.

"You're so cute." i say, kissing him. It last longer than I intended and then Keith snaps us back to reality.

"Guys, you can make out later." Keith says. We look at him and I blush. Jack takes my hand, intertwining our fingers. We get outside to a limo and sit down. I sit against the separater between the back of the limo and the drivers seat and put my legs on top of Jack's lap.

"So, do you know who this guy is?" Rian asks Keith.

"Yup. Louis Posen. Don't know him exactly, but I'm sure he's great for you guys." Keith says. "You'll love him."

"If he's fine with Alex and me, I don't care who he is." Jack says. I smile at Jack. The limo starts up and we head to Hopeless.

"I'm sure it will be cool." Keith says. I high five Jack and smile at Zack and Rian.

"Can't we take this thing everywhere?" I ask. Everyone laughs. "Why don't we tour with a limo and just bring the tour bus along when we need to sleep?" I ask.

"Because, tour buses hold more people and stuff and there's a possibility of wifi." Rian says. I look at him blankly and Jack smiles.

"Whatever." I mutter. I push my sleeves up and set my feet on the ground. I scoot closer to Jack and rest my head on his shoulder. He takes my hand and examines it. I see little white scars on my fingers, but they're barely noticable unless you're actually paying attention.

I remember that day. Almost like it was yesterday.

We run into my house and I sigh seeing a picture of my mom.

I walk over to it and sigh. I feel anger bubble up inside me and punch the picture shattering the glass. Glass sticks in my fingers and I smile as blood forms around the glass. I drop the frame and Jack runs over to me.

"Alex!" He shouts. A car beeps outside and Rian and Zack run over to us.

"They're here! Alex what did you do?!" Rian shouts. I just smile at my hand. My bloody hand.

"Jack clean him up." Zack says.

Jack grabs my arm and drags me to the kitchen. I lean against the counter and Jack starts pulling glass out of my fingers and knuckles. I wince every time, but I like the pain. Tears are brimming my eyes and I don't know why.

"Are you okay?" He asks, as I wipe my eyes with my other hand.

"Well, you're pulling glass out of my hand." I tell him.

"Why'd you punch it then?"

"It was my mom." I groan. He sighs and kisses my cheek.


Jack looks at me a minute and then intertwines our fingers. Memories of those two days run through my head, and then I remember those hurtful words. and the hurtful conversation with my dying mother.

"I don't know why you came." She says, hate in her tone. Jack squeezes my hand.
"I know you hate me, but do you have to make those your last words to me?" I ask, pain filling every single word.

"I'm not going to lie." She says.

"Well, now I can say you were the most unloving, uncaring, and stupidest mother I could ever have. I never liked you. You were the worst mom ever. You went off to fucking New York City while the rest of the family moved to England. YOU LEFT ME ALONE! How do you think I felt?! You didn't care! So here are my last words to you." I say. She looks like she is anticipating my next few words. "No matter what people ask; is your mother dead? I'm going to say no. Why? Because not once did you act like a mom to me. You were my enemy. I feared you. You've been dead to me and now my wish is coming true."

"Alex!" Jack shrieks. I roll my eyes and stand up.

"She's not even giving me sympathy! You drove me from Baltimore to here to see my dying mother and she doesn't even say she loves me!" I argue.

"I told you. I'm not going to lie. I never liked you. I hated you." She says.


"Are you alright, Lexxy?" Jack asks. I nod, closing my eyes a second. C'mon Alex, pull it together. It was a while ago. She never actually loved you anyway. She hated you. Don't dwell on a conversation that hurt you to the point of wanting to die. "Yeah." i sigh. He looks at me and I sigh. I need to learn to stop making my automatic answer to that question yes, when I'm really not. He flips my arm over and see the purpleish scars on my arms.

"Damn. I almost forgot about that night." Rian says honestly, clearly paying attention to what Jack and I are talking about.

"How could you forget?" Zack asks. Rian looks down, clearly ashamed. "Your best friend almost died."

"Don't worry about it." i say. Rian looks up, giving me a small smile. "I never really notice them much... except for when people put pictures on twitter of my arms to tell everyone I'm weak." I groan.

"You're not weak, Lex." Jack says. I nod.

"I know." i say. Jack's face lights up and I'm suddenly shocked. I actually admitted that to myself. "I know I can be strong."

"You are strong." Rian says as if it's obvious. "Dude, you almost died and fought. Jack died and instead of trying to join him, you told yourself that it wasn't something Jack would want."

"Besides the fact that when we found out you died, Alex threw himself into a lake and tried to drown himself." Zack says. I glare at him. Rian and Jack didn't know that! I look at Jack and he looks at me. I laugh nervously and look down.

"It was my first instinct." i say quietly.

"Leeex!" Jack shrieks.

"I'm here now aren't I?" I ask him. He nods.

"You wouldn't have been if I didn't save you." Zack says. I send another glare his way and he laughs.

"I was pretty mad at you for pulling me out." i tell him. He nods and laughs. I love how we're laughing about my pain. It definitely makes me feel better. "Could've just let me die."

"No. I wouldn't have had you when I came back."

"At the point, I didn't know you'd come back." i tell Jack. He smiles.

"You guys weren't the only ones shocked." he tells me. "Being dead for six hours really just felt like sleeping. I was out, then I was back in what felt like minutes. I woke up with a sheet over my head. I was literally confused. Then a nurse came in when I was looking around confused on where everyone went, and she just stared at me."

"You never told us that before!" RIan laughs. He shrugs.

"What can I say?" Jack asks. "It was actually pretty funny. Then i had to spent those few months with my mom under the radar which was shit because I didn't have my Lexxy and my mom wouldn't stop singing about how happy she was to have her son back." Jack explains. I smile and kiss him, stifling a giggle.

"What are we talking about?" Keith asks.

"Our awful before rock stardom experiences." Rian and Zack say together.

"It really just had to do with those to losers." Zack says, pointing at us.

"Do I want to know?" Keith asks. I shake my head.

"No. Not really." i say.

We get to Hopeless after what feels like forever. Jack and I walk in, hand in hand following Keith inside. I look around as we walk, almost running into a wall at one point. We get outside an office door that reads Louis Posen, President. Jack looks at me and smiles.

Keith knocks on the door and it opens revealing a man with short black hair wearing a suit. He smiles at us and greets us with handshakes.

"Come in! Come in!" he says. We walk in and sit down on couches there and he sits at his desk. "So, All Time Low! I loved your EP by the way."

"Thank you!" all four of us say. Jack squeezes my knee and smiles at me.

"Who's the song writer?" he asks. Everyone looks at me and I look up to see him staring at me. "What's your name?"

"Alex Gaskarth." I answer, quietly.

"I loved the songs. You wrote them yourself?" He asks.

"Not by myself. The guys helped a little with the lyrics and then we worked together on the chords and beats and stuff." I explain almost effortlessly. "This is Zack Merrick the bassist, Rian Dawson the drummer and my boyfriend Jack Barakat the guitarist." Louis looks at Keith and I look at Jack.

"is there a problem?" Keith asks.

"Haven't you heard that being gay is bad publicity?" Louis asks. Rian, Zack, Jack and I all look at each other, shocked.

"Never in my life." Keith says.

"But people pair band members up all the time." Rian chimes in.

"Yeah, they do, but do you see any of them together?" Louis asks. "I'm just telling you. It's not a good idea."

I suddenly feel like I'd been smashed by a bully. Like a bully just told me that i'm a fag and that being gay is disgusting. I try to stay calm and look at my lap, letting go of Jack's hand and shoving them in my lap. I feel like i just ruined my relationship with Jack. The fact that I mentioned we were together just set off the consquence.

We finish the meeting and leave. We get into the limo and head home. Once we get home, I sit on the back deck staring at the beach behind our house. Jack comes out ten minutes later after talking with Keith.

"Babe." Jack calls. I don't look at him, i just stare at the setting sun. "Don't let that ruin you."

"I'm not." i snap. He sits next to me on the porch swing and takes my hand. I look at him. "Jack, didn't you hear? Being gay is bad publicity." I groan, annoyance in my voice. He groans and I look away from him, letting go of his hand and resting my elbows on my knees and leaning forward, resting my chin on my hand.

"Alex." Jack sighs. "I know it's stupid, but Keith thinks we should just go with it."

"I don't care." I groan.

"Lex. We're not leaving each other. I'm still here, but we're just going to be friends." Jack says. I look at him, shocked that this is so easy for him.

"How is this so easy for you?!" I ask him.

"It's not." he says. "I just think that if it's a good idea, we should do it. I know it's hurting you and i'm sorry, but... i think we should do this." I look at him a minute and sigh, giving up on this argument. I'll get nowhere. He's set on this idea, so it's going to happen.

"Can we spend the rest of the day as a couple, then?" I ask him. He nods and smiles.

"Of course."

"A walk on the beach?" I suggest. He nods and we stand up. I take off my shoes and we head down the stairs to the beach, finger intertwined.

We walk down the beach nudging each other, acting like a normal couple. One without complications in the past, one that never had problems. This couple is real. It's fun. It's not nagging the other to do something when you want them to. It's laid back. It's not tense.

it's not like Jack when he was constantly worrying about me every second of the day when I was going through that horrible stage of depression. He doesn't have to worry about me trying to die. He doesn't have to worry about me not eating. He doesn't have to wait and see what my next move will be.

"Jacky, I love you."

"I love you Lexxy."

Our hands are intertwined again and we're walking towards the house again.

From here on... I know that we may not be friends, but we'll be the most fucking close best friends you'll ever know and we're staying like this and we're going to be in this band for as long as I can think.

And i know it will stay that way.

Notes

A little bit of flashbacks and laid back All Time Low for the second last chapter.
GUYS IT'S ALMOST OVER ;-;
Thanks for all the support and the comments and votes and subscribers. You're all awesome.
Now we'll find out how Mary decides to end it. She really wanted to write the Epilogue:) Not that I would've been any good at an Epilogue. I would've preferred she wrote it anyway:)
Thanks again.
Title Credit: I Trust You by Skillet
-Jenna<3
Check out my story "You're Okay; You're Fine, but I Know it's A Lie"