Fear of Falling Apart

Walking into my bedroom was the probably one of the greatest feelings; second only to collapsing on my bed. I never realized how homesick I was until we actually starting get closer to Baltimore. I adored touring, of course. But being home now, I just feel good.

I haven't felt this happy in a really long time. Touring was fun and it made me happy... When I was on stage. But, until the last show, I was miserable all other times. And even when Jack re-entered my life, I was happier, but everything still felt so surreal, like it was only a dream and I'd wake up and be alone again.

But when we dropped Jack off at his house, everything just kind of hit me. When his mom hugged him, it was 'woah this really is happening.' I almost started crying all over again. I actually did tear up when his mom hugged me and apologized for keeping this from me. It was such an emotional moment, I knew it was real and would be for a long time.

And now, laying down on my bedspread, staring at the posters on my wall, everything just seems so much more real.

Like, I really am doing this. I have a really good life right now, and that's weird for me. A year ago, I was being neglected by my mom, struggling on rather I could really trust Jack and Rian or not. Not to mention I was being bullied by Zack. And now, I have my dad back, who really does love me, Jack is the most important person in my life and Rian and Zack are my best friends. It's crazy what a year can do.

I'm lucky and I know it. It was a miracle that I never did kill myself, accidental or the time I tried to. It's an even bigger miracle that my suicide attempt was what brought my dad back into my life. But the biggest miracle of all, Jack obviously. Not only him practically coming back from the dead, but him loving me in general. He saved me.

~

I sighed and inwardly groaned. The happiness that I saw last night was quickly replaced with frustration and annoyance. I was mainly annoyed with my dad for making me see a tutor. But, I was also annoyed with the tutor. I was only frustrated with myself though. I'm just so stupid.

That's why I play music for a living; I mentally can't do science or math. I think the only reason I made it up to senior year is because my teachers felt bad for my shitty home life.

"I can't do this," I exclaimed, burying my face in my hands, "I have no fucking idea how to find the probability of a z-score. I don't even know what a z-score is."

"Have you been paying attention at all?" the tutor-Mr. Padilla asked, "All you have to do is use this chart," he shoved two pieces of paper in my face.

"But these numbers mean nothing to me," I sighed, "I'm trying, I just don't understand."

"Ok, we'll just start at the beginning again," Mr. Padilla sighed, "We start off with a standard bell curve. Do you know what the area underneath is?"

He drew me a picture in my notebook of the curve. I stared at it for a minute, trying to remember, "Infinity?"

"No Alex, it's 1," he stressed.

"But that doesn't make sense," I groaned, honestly confused.

"It's because the curve represents the probability of a number of attempts in a controlled binomial poll," he explained, "And a probability has to be between 0 and 1. Does that make sense?"

"No!" I cried, "I'm just hopeless, I'm never going to get this," I collapsed and rested my head against the table.

"Hey," Mr. Padilla said gently, patting my back, "Statistics is a hard class, I get that. Why don't we stop for today and I can try another way of teaching you tomorrow, sound good?"

I sighed and nodded.

"You'll be ok," he said before I heard his footsteps leave the room.

I groaned once more and drug myself from the table to the couch. My dad was really adamant about me graduating high school in May, but I just don't know if I can do it. I just can't do it. I've been able to drag myself through school by completion grades and cheating on tests. But now, I actually have to learn the stuff and I just can't.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket to call Jack; I just really need him right now.

"Hey Lex, how was tutoring?" he answered on the second ring.

His question just made me lose it. And suddenly, I broke down to tears.

"Alex?" he asked, his voice sounding worried, "Baby what's wrong?"

"Need you here," I choked out.

"Yeah, yeah sure thing," he responded, "Give me like 5 minutes."

~

It took Jack more than 5 minutes. It actually took him 7 and a half. But I wasn't counting or anything. Either way, he was here now; pulling me into his arms and letting me cry on him.

"It's ok baby, it's ok," he whispered; trying to soothe me.

I'm not going to lie, having him here with me calmed me down a little bit. It's like his presence just has a good effect on me.

"What happened?" he asked cautiously after I finally stopped crying.

"I'm just so stupid," I sighed, "I can't do it Jay. I just can't, I'm not smart enough."

"Hey, enough of that," he scolded, "Just because you can't do something the school says you should be able to do doesn't make you stupid. You're not."

"Why can't I do it then?" I questioned, "I've never been able to..."

"You know what, fuck it," he exclaimed, "Who cares if you can't do math or science, that doesn't make you stupid. Alex. You can write 1,000 words describing a dying rose that'll bring a grown man to tears. You can write song lyrics that'll never leave someone's head. You can compose a kick ass song, and you're one of the best guitar players I've ever met," he ranted, "And to be frank, you're also a pretty damn good lay."

I blushed and buried my head into Jack's chest, "You're so embarrassing."

"It's my job," he laughed, "Feel better?"

I nodded, "Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too," he kissed the top of my head.

"And for what it's worth, you're a good lay too babe."

Notes

Holy shit the writers block. I had this mental block in my head that made it impossible for me to write anything. But fuck. For the math bit, I just splurred out random info from my stats class, which is hard as fuck.

There are potentially only two chapters left in this. I don't know, we haven't talking in depth about it, so don't hold me to that.

Title Cred: MFEO- Jack's Mannequin (My obsession with this band is growing. Help.)

xoxo Mary