Fear of Falling Apart

Years had passed since All Time Low made the decision to switch record labels. Even though it was a risky decision to be making so early in our careers, with only an EP out, it turned out to be one of the best things that would happen to us as a band. After all the drama that took place after they first signed us, Hopeless treated us well. They hooked us up with other bands to tour with and they paid for the release of a second EP and two full length albums.

But now, we've out grown them. There's no way we can keep gaining success on Hopeless if it stays the way it is now. So, we dropped them in hopes of scoring a deal with a bigger company. And boy did we; Interscope's great. Really great. As soon as we signed, Alex was flown out to California to write lyrics for a third album. It's exciting really, I got an email the other day from him saying that he's writing what could be the single with Rivers Cuomo. From fucking Weezer. My mind was blown.

And the other three of us? How are we spending the time off? Rian's down in Florida spending time with Cassadee and her family. I think it's sweet. They've been together for so long and they never fight. They are the poster children for good relationships... And white teeth... Zack's just stayed in Baltimore, spending time with friends and family. The most I've heard from him in the last few weeks is a couple of random text messages. One of which I'm sure was meant for some girl. Or at least I hoped so. I never really said anything about it, but if it was meant for me, we need to have a nice long chat about boundaries.

And myself? Well, it's kind of a long story. Except not really. The past few years haven't been the best for me. I'm doing my best to keep a straight face and a happy exterior, because I really do have a lot to be thankful for. But, I'm reaching the point where I just don't care. I know Alex and I agreed to be just friends for the good of the band, but some days I really question if that was a good idea or not. He was my first love, and I'm still completely hung up on him, even though he seems to be doing just fine. I mean, sure at the beginning everything sucked. The longing stares, the lonely nights and the wishful thinking from both ends were enough to make me want to drown myself in a river.

But it seemed, the more time that passed Alex got over it. He seemed completely happy having me as a best friend instead of a boyfriend. Which I thought was weird at first, he was always the one going about how we meant for each other and that we were soul mates. I guess he doesn't feel that way anymore. It was stupid for me to think that we'd get back together when the band slowed down. It doesn't seem like that'll be happening anytime soon, and even if it did, Alex is happy being single.

Me on the other hand, I choose to spend my free time drinking in bars across the country whilst making a fool of myself in front of people I will probably never see again. So hey, not like it really matters.

It's not like I try to be miserable. I actually really want to be happy again. But an even bigger part of me wants Alex. I honestly think I'll always be in love with him. Maybe he's meant for me, but I'm not meant for him.

That brings me to where I am now. Laying awake alone in a hotel bed completely and totally hung over. I feel like death. I feel like Rian decided it would be fun to come play the drums on my head while I slept. I hate myself for drinking so much, but I hate myself when I don't. It's a lose lose situation really. But that's just my life now.

Right now the only person I hate more than myself is whoever thought it would be a good idea to call me right now. My phone going crazy on the nightstand is not a good thing to wake up to.

"What?" I groaned into the speaker after I picked up the phone.

"Is that really anyway to speak to your best friend?," Alex scolded from the other line, "Especially when he has good news?"

"Sorry Lex," I sighed, "I'm just really fucking hungover."

He laughed, the sound slicing through my core, making me want to wince, "I swear to god you're going to ruin your liver before you turn 30."

"Wouldn't be a terrible way to go," I shrugged even though he couldn't see me, "At least I'd have fun doing it."

"You're ridiculous," he chuckled.

"What's this good news you mentioned earlier?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Two words; music. Festival."

"Excuse me?"

"In LA," he continued, "With the help of Rivers, Matt was able to book us a set next week before we start preproduction on the album. It's gonna be so sick. You guys are gonna fly out tonight so we can make a set list. Matt emailed you the details. You're still in Vegas, right? If not we're scr-"

"Alex calm down," I interrupted, "Take a deep breath. Yes I'm still in Vegas, I'll check my email and get packed as soon as you hang up."

"Awesome," he practically sang, "I'm really excited. We haven't played a show for a while and I miss you. Well, and the guys."

My heart practically fluttered out of my chest when he said he missed me. I really need to get in control of my feelings for him. You know, so I can actually find someone that'd want me.

"Yeah I miss you guys too," I admitted, "But if you don't stop screaming in my ear I will rub my dick on everything you love."

He didn't reply right away. And when he did, he just mumbled something under his breath that I couldn't make out.

"What did you say?" I asked.

"What? Uh, nothing," he said quickly, "I have to go. But I'll see you tonight. Later Jack."

He hung up before I got the chance to respond. What a fucking weirdo. I could tell this week was going to be an interesting one.

~

Stepping on stage for the first time in a few months was a great feeling. Knowing it's only for one night kind of sucked, but it was still pretty awesome. I wasn't really expecting such a huge turn out, but the kids have never failed to surprise me.

We opened with Lost in the Stereo. It's a good song, really gets everyone going. It's more of a party song than anything, but that's what we're here for. To have fun. To make the crowd forget about what's going on in their lives for an or two.

The set went by really fast, and before I knew it, Rian, Zack and I were leaving the stage so Alex could do Therapy. I don't know who's idea it was for him to play it alone, but I appreciate the break before the closing song.

"This is usually the time when of show when I play Therapy," Alex said into the microphone,
"But I want to do something a little different tonight."

I looked over at Zack and raised an eyebrow; wondering if he knew what was going on. He shrugged and shook his head.

"I have something new for you guys tonight. I'm probably gonna get my head bitten off for this," he laughed, "Considering the other three haven't even heard it yet, but this song means a lot to me.

"I wrote this song for the one that I love. For the last couple of years though, I haven't been doing the best job showing them how much I care about them. But I wrote this song as a way to just say that even if we can't be together right now, I love you. I will always love you."

I felt my heart clench in my chest. Alex. He started strumming on the guitar;

I wish you could see your face right now
Cause you're grinning like a fool
And we're sitting on your kitchen floor
On a Tuesday afternoon...

The end of the song saw me desperately trying to wipe the tears out of my eyes before a) anyone saw and called me out on it or b) we had to go onstage.

I was obviously noticed though, by the way Zack was wrapping his arms around my shoulders, "Are you ok bro?"

I nodded, "I will be. Let's just get this last song over with."

He gave me a small smile before leaving to get his bass from Ian. I went over to get my guitar from Danny. He raised an eyebrow at me and wow, I forgot that half of the crew didn't know Alex and I used to date. I shook my head at him before taking the guitar.

As we were going back on stage, I tried to make eye contact with Alex, but he turned away. Ok, that's fine. He just spilled his heart and is probably embarrassed. I'll give him that.

I felt kind of anxious though. I want to talk to him right now, but I have to wait. The thing is, I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Technically, it's my fault that we're even in this situation at all. I'm the one that suggested breaking up. And even though I regret it, he still has a good reason not to get back together. Regardless of what he said in the song.

Ugh, I just need calm down and stop thinking about it. I really don't need to fuck up Dear Maria.

I got your picture
I'm coming with you
Dear Maria, count me in...

After the song, we all ran up to the front of the stage because there was a photographer that wanted to get a picture of all the bands performing. I made sure to wrap my arm around Alex for said picture. It's the little things that count, right? Yeah.

After we finally got off of stage, I barely gave Alex time to hand his guitar up to Ian before I went over to him. I put my hand on his shoulder and spun him around to face me. Before he had the chance to say anything, I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him.

He hesitated for a moment, but eventually wrapped his arms around my waist. I heard him sigh before he buried his face into my neck. His shoulders started to tremble and woah, is he crying? Oh man, he is.

I pulled back to look at his face. He had red eyes that went perfectly with the tears streaming down his face. In that moment, he was no longer the confident 22 year old front man that I can't be with, but instead he was the scared 17 year old boy I fell in love with.

I wiped the tears from his cheeks, "Please don't cry, you're to gorgeous for tears."

I thought I might be helping, but he just seemed to cry harder, "Don't talk like that," he whimpered, "Stop reminding me of what I can't have."

Ok, he was making me want to cry.

"Why does it have to be like this Jacky?" he asked, obviously trying not to cry anymore, "I just can't get over you. I just want to go back and tell myself not to let you go."

I could feel tears of my own welling up, "It doesn't have to be like this," I whispered, "We're both miserable. Who cares what everyone thinks? Gay is a lot more accepted now than it was back then."

"But the record company..."

"Fuck'em," I stated, "We're not even on Hopeless anymore. And if Interscope doesn't like, who cares? I honestly don't know how much longer I can go on loving you like this."

"I'm scared," he whispered, "What if we lose the record deal and everyone hates us for it."

"They won't," I reassured him, "I know this is a big thing for the band, but when it comes down
to it, it's our happiness that matters most. What would make you happy right now Alex?"

He didn't respond verbally. Instead, he put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled his lips to mine. It was the best kiss I've ever shared with him. It was full of so much pent up emotion; the years of lost time suddenly didn't matter. Alex was here, in my arms again, kissing me.

"I love you Jack," he whispered, caressing my check with his nose.

"I love you too Alex. Always," I promised, pulling him a little closer to me.

"Fucking finally!" I heard someone exclaim from behind us.

I tore my eyes away from Alex to see Zack and Rian standing a few yards from us; grinning madly.

"It was starting to get sad watching you guys not be together," Rian said.

"We both felt pretty bad for you guys," Zack added, "But we didn't know what to do."

Alex chuckled and kissed my cheek, "Well, we decided we don't really care about what anyone thinks anymore. If the label doesn't like it, oh well."

"That's better," Rian nodded, "I always wondered why you guys let it get to you last time."

I shrugged, "Well it doesn't matter anymore."

"Good," Zack gave us a thumbs up before they both walked to the direction of the dressing rooms; leaving us to ourselves.

"I love you so much," Alex whispered, kissing me softly, "Promise me that we'll be forever this time."

"Forever," I agreed, "And always."

~

*Alex's POV*

"... And that, is the story of your father and I," I concluded, looking down at the faces of my children, "Or at least most of it..."

My six year old son, Aaron, lifted his head off of my lap to smile widely, "And then they lived happily ever after."

I shrugged, he really doesn't need to know the rest of story. He's still a bit too young for that...

My 14 year old daughter, Lillie, rolled her eyes. I sighed, she's already giving me attitude.

"I think it's time for bed for all the little boys," I announced, poking Aaron's nose.

He frowned, "But Papa, Daddy's not home yet! He needs to read me a story."

I sighed and looked at the clock, Jack's flight was supposed to land 30 minutes ago. He had flown out to LA for a few days for a meeting with Glamour Kills. He was trying to get more serious about his clothing line, now that Aaron was a little older.

I missed him terribly, but at the same time I'm glad he's doing something he loved. Ever since the band broke up a few years ago, he's been so focused on our family and nothing else. And while it's nice having him here, I don't want to hold him back anymore.

"Well, how about you go put your jammies on and get ready for bed, and we'll wait together," I suggested.

"Yay!" he cheered, running towards the stairs, almost knocking Lillie over in the process.

She sighed and sat down next to me on the couch, "Are you ever going to tell me how you got that scar on your neck?" she asked.

Now it was my turn to sigh as my flew up to the ever present reminder of how easily something can go south, "Maybe someday. But all you really need to know is that it's in the past, and we're never looking back."

~

About 40 minutes later, the front door was being opened and Aaron was scampering off my lap.

"Daddy!" he cheered, running over to hug Jack.

He crouched down and wrapped his arms around Aaron, "How's my little man doing? Were you good for Papa?"

Aaron nodded, "Yeah daddy! We had Pizza last night and I didn't even complain about the gross pepperonis that Lillie likes."

Jack's laugh filled the room, making my heart flip, "Speaking of Lillie, where is my girl?"

"Right here dad," she rolled her eyes, walking into the kitchen.

"I don't need your sass," Jack scolded, "Now come give your old man a hug."

Lillie sighed before reluctantly walking over to hug Jack. Regardless of how she was acting, I knew she missed him; we all did. Our family just isn't complete without him.

"Do I get a hug too?" I asked, smiling as my daughter went upstairs to her room.

Jack's face lit up when he saw me, "Of course baby."

He wrapped his arms around my neck, and pulled me close. I recuperated his actions by wrapping my arms around his waist.

"I love you," he whispered, kissing my head.

"I love you too," I responded, smiling up at my husband.

We might not have had the easiest past, and we might not know what the future holds. But right now, everything is so bright. I feel like I'm riding on a high that'll never stop. I have the best husband I could act for, and two beautiful children. My life is perfectly complete.

Jack leaned down to press his lips to mine, making my heart sore. Even after 16 years of marriage, at age 41, he never fails to make me feel 25 again. He is my soul-mate, my one true love and my other half. And I could never ask for anything more.

Notes

2982 words. I do believe this is the longest chapter I've ever written for any story ever. Holy shit.
*Cries* I can't believe this is it! This has been such a long process I can't even! On behalf of myself and Jenna, I'd like to thank you guys for sticking with us through this whole thing!

Title Cred- All Time Low- Daydream Away

xoxo Mary