Fear of Falling Apart

Alex and I head to the hotel and I let him tell me about how tour went since he never told me about it, but the whole time I can't help, but wonder why I miraculously came back to life. Why not a younger kid who could be dying of Cancer? He probably would have it better off than me, but then again I am in a band. But why me? Out of all the people dying, me?

I clench my fists around the steering wheel and glance at Alex to make sure he isn't looking. Don't want to be questioned over something like this. It'd be a stupid reason to be upset and it would sure as hell put Alex into lecture mode and I really don't need a lecture.

I unclench my fists when I see Alex look over.

"Jacky." He calls. I glance at him and smile.

"Yes, Lexxy?"

"I love you."

"I love you too." I say. He giggles a little and I pull into the hotel. I unbuckle my seat belt and look at Alex. "I love you more than anything."

"This job is pretty important though." He mumbles.

I know, he still puts himself down even when it's hinting at it and he knows I know it. He doesn't do it as frequently anymore because I'm pretty sure he's almost over it, but there are times where he does it.

"Are you kidding? You're way more important to me than a career, Lex." I tell him. He smiles and pulls me closer to him, kissing me. I rest a hand on his cheek and he takes my other hand. After a minute we pull away. "C'mon."

We get out of the car and head up to our hotel room. We walk in and he runs into the bathroom, shutting the door so I sit on the bed and look around.

"Jack there aren't any-" he pauses and I hear him rummaging around for something. "You-know-what's."

"Just come here." I giggle. He walks in and stares at me. "What your dad doesn't know won't hurt him." He smiles and jumps onto the bed right next to me. "Besides, it's not like you'll get pregnant."

"Who said we were doing it?" Alex asks, a smile plastered on his face. I smile at him and straddle his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Do you not want it?" I ask, kissing his neck and earning a moan from him. His arms wrap around my waist and I kiss up his neck and along his jaw until I reach his lips.

"I do." He whispers. I smile at him.

He rests a hand on my cheek and kisses me again, his tongue licking my bottom lip. I open my mouth for him and he runs his tongue over mine, causing me to moan.

Now the shirts are becoming too much of a barrier so I start taking off Alex's. He helps me and we get it off.

I stare at his bare chest for a minute. I see every scar he's ever made, some faint, some dark and then my eyes land on the huge one that had required stitches. I glance at his arms too, the many, many, many scars remind me that he has none now because of me.

"Jack." Alex whispers. I look up at him and he bites his lip.

"Sorry." I apologize. I get off him to let him lie down and I straddle him again. "You're perfect baby." I kiss every scar on his chest and arms and he lifts my chin. I look him the eyes and smile.

"I love you." He says. He kisses down my neck and shoves his hands under my shirt, rubbing my chest.

"I l-love you t-too." I stutter when he starts biting and sucking on my neck.

He lifts my shirt over my head and flips us over so I'm on the bottom. He straddles my hips and starts undoing the button on my pants. He then shoves a hand in my pants and starts palming me through my boxers. I moan and he kisses my neck. I involuntarily buck my hips into his hand and he smiles.

"Do you want me?" He asks seductively. I don't trust my voice so I just nod, a moan escaping my lips

He kisses down my chest leaving reddish marks behind until he gets to the lining of my boxers. He begins to slowly pull my boxers down with his teeth and when he finally gets them off, he puts the tip of my dick in his mouth. He starts to suck, taking more of me in every time. My back arcs off the bed and I start bucking my hips involuntarily.

"Sh-shit Lex." I groan. "I'm s-so c-close." He pulls his mouth off and kisses up my chest, kissing me intensely.

I play with the button on his jeans, trying desperately to get them off fast enough so he can fuck me into the mattress. He helps me and when we finally get them off, I immediately pull at his boxers. My shaky hands make the easiest task seem so complicated and impossible. Something as easy as pulling boxers down.

We get them off and by now I'm try to get as much friction as I can against my throbbing dick to feel something. He smiles against my mouth and kisses along my jaw. "P-please Alex." I moan.

"I will." He says calmly. "I'm going to finish what I started all those months ago." He tells me.

I close my eyes as kisses my neck again, biting an sucking, no doubt leaving a mark that I'll have to explain to everyone. He finds some lube in the bedside table of the room (convenient) and coats his fingers. I grip his shoulders as he holds one to my entrance.

"Ready?" He asks. I nod, biting my lip. He pushes one in, pain coursing through me and I dig my nails into his shoulders causing him to moan. He doesn't move again until I adjust to the pain and tell him to keep going.

"M-move." I stutter. He nods and does as I tell him. When I finally adjust to it, he starts to go in and out. He adds another finger, then another. "I'm r-ready." "

"You sure?" He asks. I nod and he pulls his fingers out. He kisses me passionately and smiles at me. "I love you Jacky."

"I love you Lex." I say.

He readies himself at my entrance and I nod, telling him to go in. He pushes in and I wince, so he doesn't move, but he moans when my nails dig into his back again. He's so easily turned on. I nod to let him know he can move and when I adjust he picks up speed and hits that one spot that sends me screaming.

"Right there!" I shout.

After a few minutes, we're panting trying to catch our breath. I pull the covers over us and he pulls me into him, arms around me.

"I love you so much." He says. I turn my head to kiss him and smile.

"I love you too." I say.

We talk a little bit and then I close my eyes, letting myself drift off into a peaceful sleep.

In the morning Alex is in the little kitchen area making coffee. I open my eyes slowly when I smell it again scrunch my nose. I hate coffee.

The only one who likes coffee probably more than his girlfriend is little white girl Rian Dawson. He loves Starbucks more than anyone I know.

"Morning sleepy head." Alex greets, leaning against the counter and sipping his coffee.

"Do me a favor? Hand me my boxers." I say. He looks at me a minute and smiles.

"But you're so sexy." He says.

I roll my eyes and try to reach for them without falling out of bed. I just reach them and pull up so I don't fall off the bed. I shove my boxers on and get out of bed walking over to my boyfriend.

"Coffee?" He asks, kissing me.

"Do you know me at all?" I ask. He shrugs. "Be honest, how bad is the mark on my neck?"

"Bad enough to probably need to wear one of my scarves." Alex says. I groan.

"Not the scarves!" I shout, running away from him to grab a hoodie.

I throw the hoodie on and look in the mirror. Damn did he mark me. I throw the hood up and see it covers most of it. I take off the hoodie and put on a crew neck tee shirt looking in the mirror again. It covers half of it, plus the hood.

"Can you see it?" I ask. He walks over to me and looks at me.

"Nope." He says, walking back over to the fridge. "Stop worrying. If they see it, they see it. Just tell them I pinched you really hard."

"In the neck?"

"You know how protective I get of my phone." He tells me. I look at him. "I know you know. I've pinched Rian hard enough to cut his arm and bruise him."

"Okay. How will you explain your back?" I ask, as he turns away from me showing the various cuts I gave him.

"Hide them. It shouldn't be hard." He says. "If you hadn't noticed, I'm an expert at hiding shit." He says, motioning to his scar-covered arms.

"Point taken." I say. He nods and smiles.

"Now. Let's change, pack and head to the bus." He says. I nod and we change, packing our clothes up and making sure we have everything before leaving.

We get to the lobby and see our potato headed friend and our abnormally muscular friend. It's weird that he's sixteen and this ripped. Alex and I are lanky and Rian is somewhat muscly. Guess it balances out the band next to the weird obsessions like Rian and Starbucks, Zack and working out, Alex and googling stars until seven in the morning and me and Twitter.

Me and Twitter... It's scary when it crashes or does something I don't want it to do. I scream and start complaining and sometimes cry. Okay... I don't cry, but you get the point.

"Hey lovebirds." Rian greets. I smile at him and his phone goes off. "If we leave now we can get back to Baltimore before Cass and still give me time to get Starbucks."

Did you think I was kidding?

"Rian... You're positive you're a man?" Zack asks, resting a hand on his shoulder. Rian rolls his eyes and walks in the other direction to get to the bus. "He has a problem."

"Hell yeah he does." Alex laughs. "At least he mentioned Cass. He has a better reason of getting back to Baltimore. I have no reason except the fact that I need a tutor."

"It's to help you, Lex." I tell him.

"But this is my career. Why do I need to know chemistry and biology and exponents and square route and stupid stuff like that. The only numbers I need to know are 1, 2, 3, and 4." He rants. I roll my eyes and pat his back, but not where the "sex cuts" are. "You should be able to tell what you're going to do when you get older and just learn what you need for it."

"You should probably know we all need tutors." Zack says. Alex rolls his eyes and leaves the hotel next. "Wow, your boyfriend is such a drama queen." He laughs.

"Oh I know." I smile.

We head to the bus and I shove my stuff in the extra bunk Alex and I share.

"Lex, give me your stuff." I say. He nods and hands me his bag. I put it in the bunk and shut the curtain.

"So are we heading home?" Alex asks walking to the front of the bus. Everyone says yes and he sighs. "I don't want a tutor." He groans, plopping down onto the couch and I head to the back lounge to think.

I put in my ear buds and listen to the two songs my mom wouldn't stop playing the months I was home. A song called "I Need Your Love" by Madilyn Bailey and a song called "Medicine" by Shakira featuring Blake Shelton. Don't judge me. I can't help, but find them catchy. In a way they remind me of Alex.

I listen to "Medicine" first and hum along, staring out the window. I want to sing the words, but I don't need people telling me I'm good. I don't like the attention. I just don't like everyone all over me telling me I'm good. I don't handle it well. I don't get mad, I just feel awkward. A few lines come up that reminds me of Alex and smile.

"You know you're an expert at complicating things. That's not how we were, believe me it's not over. But you make the war seem like such an easy game. Keeps me and my arguments come under. Down in the trenches, you are the white flag. Make me surrender. Want you so bad. Baby don't stop what you started. Don't ever be done, oh."

Alex. God I love him. I remember when we first met. How shy he was. It was actually kind of cute. When he played guitar and I first saw his cuts. In no way did I ever suspect he did that until his arms were uncovered. He hid it so well.

Even after I found out. Even the cut that was in desperate need of stitches, he hid it. He didn't show pain. Then I started liking him and it took me a few days to realize I was gay.

It took me a few days to admit it to myself. It took a few days to man up and come out to my mom. She said she suspected it. So I guess I had nothing to worry about.

I remember how I talked Alex into eating again and now he can't walk past something delicious without shoving it into his mouth.

His self harm has come a long way and what showed me he was really getting over it was when he thought I died, but didn't relapse and it amazed me when he said he didn't cope with the pain the way he used to. I was ecstatic.

His self esteem is coming along. He does put himself down sometimes, but way less than he used to. He does it, but he does it sometimes when we joke and say stuff like "Alex how stupid are you" or "you're a fat pig stop eating so much" and he says "I know" and the others think he's kidding, but I know he's not. He knows we're kidding, but can't help, but believe it. It makes sense. He did believe that for so long.

A hand rests a hand on my shoulder and I look over to see my boyfriend. He smiles and little and sits next to me. When I just stare at him and don't pull an ear bud out, he does it for me.

"Babe. You alright?" He asks. I nod. "You're not sick again are you?" He asks starting to panic.

"No. No. No." I say quickly. "I'm just thinking."

"About...?"

"You." I say. He smiles and kisses me. "You're so strong, baby." He then sits down and rests his head on my shoulder. He sighs and shakes his head.

"No I'm not." He sighs. "While you were 'dead' I was already deteriorating. No I didn't relapse, no I didn't stop eating, but I put myself down a lot. While it could've never been my fault, I found myself blaming myself for your death. I don't even know how I could've blamed myself for it, but I did and I don't remember how." He explains.

I look over and rest a hand on his cheek. He turns his head and I connect my lips with his. It's sweet for a minute, but as it gets longer it gets more intense and needy. We break apart when someone knocks on the door.

"What?" Alex asks. The door opens revealing Rian and he smiles at us as we realize Alex is almost on top of me. Crap.

"Um... Zack wanted to know who was stronger. You or Jack?" He asks.

"Why?"

"Just answer the question." Rian laughs.

"Alex. For sure." I say. He nods and leaves. Alex looks at me and starts laughing. "What?"

"Me?! Strong?" He laughs. I roll my eyes and kiss him.

"Babe you are."

"Nope." He says. I sigh.

"GUYS WE'RE ALMOST HOME!" Zack shouts.

"Yay!"

Notes

Sucky chapter; terribly written smut.........
Enjoy....?
-Jenna
title credit: Medicine by Shakira ft. Blake Shelton