Fear of Falling Apart

I guess when your heart wants something so badly, your brain starts playing tricks on you. Never have I ever felt so insane, so saddened, so, off-put, by my own brain than in this moment. When your brain conjures up a perfect duplicate of a dead man and projects it right in front of you, everything else seems to blur. In fact, my replication is so spot on, it makes all the dreams of him seem blatantly inaccurate.

I blinked a few times and shook my head. But, when I looked to that part of the crowd again, he was still there; pressed between a girl in a red shirt and a boy with blue hair. It makes me want to cry, I can't perform the last song like this.

I walked over to Zack and pulled him away from the microphone before I spoke, my voice coming out shaky and uneven, "Zack, I think I'm losing it. I keep seeing him in the crowd and I can't take it."

Zack reach around his bass and my guitar to hug me briefly, "It's ok Alex, I saw him too. It's kind of too much, you know?"

I nodded, at least I'm not losing my mind completely, "I don't think I can play the last song," I looked over my shoulder to see he was still there, "I keep looking over there and he won't leave. It's distracting and I just want to get really drunk."

Zack chuckled lightly, "I get it and I know. I keep looking over and seeing him next to the guy with the blindingly bright blue hair."

I froze again and turned around slowly. I made eye contact with him again, right next to the same blue haired guy Zack spoke of. I couldn't breath. Everything around me was turning to mush. I think Zack was trying to say something to me, but I couldn't hear him. I literally couldn't make the air fill my lungs. It felt like my throat was closing. I looked over to the spot again; black spots were starting to form over my eyes. What do I do? I couldn't think.

~POV Zack~

I flung my arms out to catch Alex as he fell. He slammed into my bass with a thud. Suddenly, everything was silent.

I was rushed by Rian and Matt, who took Alex from me so I could put my instrument down. I took Alex back and cradled his semi-conscious body. I knew getting him off stage would be a good idea, but I don't know if moving him right now is.

I looked up at Matt; knowing what to do is his responsibility right? Right. He motioned me to take him off stage, so I did. I carried him to the dressing room and laid him gently on the couch.

"What happened?" Matt demanded, checking Alex's pulse.

"I don't know," I said, looking over at my friend, "He told me he didn't think he could play the last song because he kept seeing Jack in the crowd and he felt like he was losing it. I told him he wasn't the only one, because I was too. After that he just fainted."

Matt sighed, "One of you just go do something useful and get some water. He seems to be breathing fine."

"I got it," I said, running towards the door.

I don't get why Alex fainted, he seemed fine the second before. I mean, physically at least. Maybe he just got overwhelmed. It was kind of intense out there; what with the fans and the delusions. I feel bad for Alex. This is really hard for me, and I wasn't even half as close to Jack as Alex was. I can still hear him crying at night sometimes, and it breaks my heart. I hate seeing my best friend like that.

I tried to shake off the sensation of uneasiness I've been feeling since Alex suggested playing the new song. Maybe it brings back memories of the past year; a lot of bad sure as happened. Poor Alex just can't seem to catch a break; some days it feels like a higher power is just laughing at his misfortune.

I briefly noticed a security guard fighting someone back as I walked past. I didn't pay much attention though, until the guy fighting the guard shouted my name. I froze in my tracks and whipped my head around at his voice. Great; now I'm losing my mind. We really don't need two unstable band members in a group of three.

"What the hell?" I asked, bringing my hand up to rub my eyes.

"Dude, tell him to let me in," he exclaimed, glaring at the guard.

"How about you explain to me why you're not six feet under first?" I said hesitantly. This isn't happening. I'm dreaming, yeah, that makes sense.

He sighed, "It's kind of a long story Zee. Just, trust me?"

"Fine, come on," I said reluctantly before flashing my pass to the security guard, "Just understand how bad this looks. You died right in front of us and I'm really confused on what's happening."

He shrugged, "It's not my fault. Hiding it from you guys was my mom's idea. I'm not even supposed to be here right now. I'm supposed to be on vacation with my mom; to quote her 'it'll be good for you to take a few months off before going back to real life.' It's so stupid though."

"Let's go back to square one," I suggested, "You're dead. Literally, I was there."

"What can I say?" he shrugged, "I'm a miracle."

I groaned and stopped walking in front of the dressing room door, "I don't know what's going to happen in there," I said, "Someone's probably going to scream, Alex might faint again and someone's probably going to be really pissed."

He nodded, "Let's just get this over with."

I nodded back before opening the door and pulling him in. As I expected, Rian screamed almost immediately; all color draining from his face. Matt's head snapped up to look at Rian before turning to look at us. He just kind of stared and didn't say anything.

"What's going on, why did Rian scream?" Alex asked weakly, lifting his head up from the couch.
He gawked for a few moments before his head fell slack again, assumably fainting again.

"Explain. Now," Matt barked at us.

"Did I call it or what?"

~Alex

I groaned and tried to open my eyes; everything was kind of fuzzy. What happened? The last thing I remember was falling into Zack on stage. The light was blinding at first, but when my eyes got used to it, I saw the literal face of an angel.

Jack smiled at me and I felt his hand squeeze mine tightly. I couldn't figure where I was and if anyone else was here. But at this point, I don't really care.

"I'm dead," I stated, my voice muffled and hoarse.

Jack's smiled faltered slightly, "No baby, why would you think that?" he asked, his voice gentle.

"You're here," I whispered, "So I'm either dead or dreaming."

He sighed slightly before leaning forward and kissing my forehead, "Yeah, um, about that. You're alive and this isn't a dream."

I shook my head, "You're lying, you're dead."

He sighed again before taking a few steps backwards. I saw that I was in the dressing room at the venue. I looked around and saw Rian, Zack and Matt sitting in one of the corners; looking over at us. Zack was smiling.

"I don't understand," I said, my voice weak, "I saw you die, I was in the room."

"I was dead," he said, walking back over to me, "I was legally pronounced dead for about six hours. But, during that time, my heart kept restarting every few minutes. Apparently the doctors were intrigued enough to keep my attached to all the important monitors.

"After the six hour period, my brain starting showing enough activity to warrant being put on life support. I woke up about a week later. Apparently I'm a medical miracle and every doctor in America, Europe and Asia's going to know my name or something stupid like that. I really just felt like I was on an episode of House or something," he shrugged nonchalantly. Like anything about this situation is nonchalant.

I felt like I was going. Out of relief? Happiness? Frustration even? I don't know. I just kind of want to cry. All I know now, is that Jack is never going to leave my sight ever again. It all makes sense now I guess; "Mrs. Barakat said that his heart monitor started up again, but stopped a few minutes after."

"Why are you just now telling me this?" I asked, biting my cheek to keep from crying just yet, "You've been ok for months, why didn't you call me?"

He sighed, "My mom's an asshole. She took my phone and insisted we go see the country before I go back to living real life. Even though I wasn't in the hospital that long after I-err-woke up, I was there a long time before with the cancer and everything."

"What's the status on that?" I asked hesitantly.

"Remission," he said happily, "Doctors think it'll be that way for a while."

At that I broke down. It was like all of my wishes were granted. I felt a pair of arms surround me as I cried. I leaned into his embrace; this is what I've been missing for these months. I could hear his heart beating; I've never heard a sound more satisfying. My soul-mate is here, right now. This is real.

"You really are alive," I whimpered into his chest, wrapping my arms around him and squeezing tightly.

"And here to stay for a very long time," he confirmed.

I lifted my head up and pressed my lips to his. He kissed me back with a passion that only comes after months of loneliness. Regardless of what he said earlier, this is what proved me that he missed me as much as I missed him.

After we pulled back from the kiss, I rested my forehead against his, "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," I whispered back, "So fucking much."

Notes

*Eyebrow wiggle* #curveball I get a lot of amusement out of writing this story FYI. I split the chapter into two parts and this is still almost 2,000 words. And there was a lot more I wanted to add, but I decided to leave that to Jenna... .-. I don't know how much is left of this fic, I'm guessing not much though, this is pretty much all we planned....

Title Cred: My Chemical Romance- Fake Your Death (I thought that was really clever of me actually c; )

Mary <3