Fear of Falling Apart

Rain. Of course it's raining. Only outdoor show of the tour and it's raining. I guess it matches my mood though, which is kind of ironic. It's strange that rain is linked to depression and sadness, when in reality, it brings life. I could feel the drops running down my head. My hair was still too
short for the wetness to matter so I didn't bother with a hat.

"Are you ready man?" Zack asked as we stood on the side stage.

"Yeah just about," I answered, fiddling with my guitar.

We were in the final stretch of our tour. And let me tell you, it's almost everything I could've dreamed of. Playing shows was amazing, gaining a fan base was humbling in ways I can't even describe. I saw parts of the country that I'd never dreamed of. But, the experience was also bittersweet and lonely. I couldn't help but keep focusing the 'should'ves' and the 'could'ves.' Throughout this entire tour, everytime I saw something new and exciting, I kept thinking, 'Jack would've loved this,' or 'this reminds me of that one time when Jack...'

My head's been a mess, I'll even admit to it. Rian keeps telling me I can't let this rule my life, that he wouldn't want that. But how can I not? Jack was my other-and better-half, my soul-mate even. I've felt so empty ever since he left me; I can't help it anymore.

Arguably, I'm better off than I was before I met him. I've managed to stay clean for over a year, I can eat without feeling guilty for it, I have friends, I have a band that's rapidly gaining success. But, I can't allow myself to enjoy it; I'm passed the point of trying. Before I met him, it was like I was all alone in the dark, with only a flicker of fire for light. But when I was with him, my world was set ablaze; everything was so bright and clear and warm. Now that he's gone, I'm in the dark again. Not even the original flicker remains. I'm surrounded by complete and total blackness.

"Hey Zack," I said hesitantly, "I think I want to play the new song tonight."

Zack raised an eyebrow at me, "Are you sure? We've only rehearsed it a couple of times..."
I nodded, "I just, I need to. I can't explain why, but I just need to."

He smiled sadly, "If you're sure Lex, I'll tell Matt tell Rian. Do you want to add it before Circles so we can still end with that?"

I hummed in approval before he walked away to find our manager.

The song I wrote was centered around death. Not just Jack's though. I've dealt with a lot of death in past few years. My brother, my mother and my soul-mate. It's left me with a lot of conflicting emotions. At any given point of any given day, if you asked me how I was feeling, my honest opinion would be, "I don't know." (I wouldn't tell you that though, I'd tell you I was fine.) So, I took all of those conflicted emotions and poured them all into one kind of angry, really angsty song.

Bringing up what I felt when my brother died made me want to relapse, but I couldn't do that. For once, I had the willpower to be more than that. It was like Tom and Jack were both looking over me. I know Jack wouldn't want me to fall back into old habits. And, I'd like to think Tom wouldn't want me to end up like him. Even if he left me on purpose, I like to think that he still loves me; he's still my brother after all.

I noticed Zack had rejoined me at the side stage, "Matt said you're lucky he loves you."

I had to keep myself from scoffing, "How much longer until we go on?"

"I think about 5 minutes," Zack shrugged, "We'll be announced though."

I nodded, "Zack? Do you think we did the right thing by coming on this tour? We missed his funeral for fuck's sake."

Zack sighed and put his arm around my shoulders in a comforting way, "I think we did Alex, I think we did. This band was all Jack wanted in life, he wanted to see the country with you, with us. I don't think he'd want us to give that up. Not to mention his mom basically kicked us out of Maryland before any arrangements could be made."

"I wonder why that is," I mused, "We were his best friends and it's like she didn't want us to be there."

He shrugged, "Maybe she didn't want us to focus on the loss. This tour is so much bigger than a band with our experience should ever be on. I think she knew that. She wanted us to be successful."

I smiled slightly, "I guess that makes sense. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for not being at his funeral; excuse or not."

"We all probably could've used the closure, but it's the past now. You can't dwell on it to much," he said, "If you spend all of your time in the past, you'll never be happy again."

I wanted to argue. I wanted to tell him that all of my happiness lives in the time I spent with him; that I'll never be happy without him, no matter how far All Time Low goes. I found happiness in the way he smiled so wide it looked like his face would split in two, in the way his brown eyes sparkled no matter what was going on around him, the way his laughter rang out like a melody prettier than any Blink song ever could. I wasn't happy before I found Jack, and I won't be happy ever again without him.

I wanted to say all that, but I didn't have the chance because Matt came along and pushed us along. Apparently we were so immersed in our own thoughts, we missed our cue and left poor Rian alone at the drum kit-oops. Zack and I ran on stage; the dull roar of the crowd acting as background noise. Our set list was pretty short, being as we were only an opening band, but we still grabbed the attention of some fans.

Opening the first song, I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I almost felt free. On stage was where I could let go of all of my emotion. I still felt less than happy, but at least I was no longer in anguish. I was numb, but I could deal with that.

The set flew by-they always do-and before I knew it, it was time to play the new song. I wasn't sure what the plan was, but I knew it would be a good idea to announce it as new.

So I just started awkwardly talking into the microphone, not quite sure how to properly introduce a song that means this much to me, "So, this next song's a new one and it's kind of different than the other stuff we've played tonight, but it means a lot to me.

"The past few years have been really rough for me, I've lost two very important people and one, well that's a whole other story... After losing those three people, I had a bunch of conflicting emotions, I still have them actually. But, I wrote this song as sort of a farewell to those people. This song not only means a lot to me though, it means a lot to this band and crew as a whole. So here's Lullabies, for the first time ever."

I took a deep breath as the first notes rang through the air; it felt like I was on auto-pilot playing this song.

Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye -
it could be for the last time and it's not right.
"Don't let yourself get in over your head," he said.

~

As the song went on, I couldn't help but get emotional. I got choked up a few times, but I think it just added to the affect of the song. I tuned out the crowd pretty well; I wasn't the best at interacting with them, but it's hard when all you want to do is play the songs and sleep.

Sing me to sleep (You've taken so much with you...)
I'll see you in my dreams, (But left the worst with me...),
waiting to say, "I miss you. I'm so sorry."
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

By the end of the song, tears were streaming down my face. I instantly felt self-concious; like I was sharing apart of me with the crowd that was personal. I was sharing my grief with them, which is something I don't really do. I try to keep that part of my life seperate. I want to seem stronger than I really am. My past shouldn't matter.

I wasn't sure what to do other than wipe my eyes. I looked over at Zack and saw he was wiping his face also. So at least I wasn't the only one that got choked up. I looked out at the crowd. They were waiting for me to say something, play another song, anything to releave the tension of at least two(I couldn't be bother to turn around to see what state Rian was in,) out of three crying band members.

I scanned over the faces of the front couple of rows and froze.

Notes

So, I decided to do this chapter in two parts instead of one long one because it's kind of important. I'll post the second part either later today or tomorrow, I haven't decided yet. It'll definitely be worth the extra wait though. c;

Title Cred: My Chemical Romance- Fake Your Death

<3 Mary