Fear of Falling Apart

I lay in my bunk on the tour bus with Jack. I have my face nuzzled in his chest and his arms are around me. I’ve missed this for months. I’ve missed him here and now he’s here. Part of me thinks this is a sick, realistic dream that I’ll wake up from and then I’ll cry forever and probably relapse.

“Baby.” Jack whispers. I hum to let him know I’m listening, but keep my arms around his middle and my head in his chest. “Did you ever relapse?” he asks. I pull my head up and rest it on the pillow in front of his face so we’re just inches apart.

“No.” I whisper. He kisses me and smiles.

“Good.” He says.

“I knew you wouldn’t like it if I did.” I tell him. I kiss him and bury my head in his chest again. “I missed you so fucking much Jack. Don’t do that to me again.” He giggles softly and I smile.

“I’m not planning on it. I’m never leaving you alone again.” He tells me. I squeeze him tightly and he does the same to me. “But if I never came back, would you find someone else?”

“I could never love someone as much as I love you Jack. You’re the only one for me.” I tell him. He rubs my back and I smile again. “I love you more than you’ll even know.”

“I love you even more.” He says. He loves me A LOT then. A lot is an understatement. More than life and the universe is an understatement. I can't put into words how much I love this man. “I’ll always be here. I’m never leaving. Even if you tell me to.”

“Luckily I’ll never ask you to leave. You out of my life would mean death.” I tell him. He kisses the top of my head and I smile. “You were gone for months, my mind was in pieces. The first day I didn’t see you my mind was already deteriorating.” I explain.

“Awe, baby!” he whines, hugging me tightly. I rest my head on the pillow again and look him in the eyes. “While I was at home, no matter how hard I tried to stop, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I just wanted to be with you. Like this.”

“You didn’t want to think about me?”

“The only reason for that was that I didn’t want to make myself worry about what you could’ve been doing to yourself. I didn’t want to think of the possibility of probably relapsing or not eating. I didn’t want to think of you crying yourself to sleep every night when you should’ve been having fun and partying.” He explains. I close my eyes and sigh. “If anything happened to you while I wasn’t with you, I would’ve died. I don’t want to lose you just like you almost lost me.”

“You’ll never get rid of me.” I tell him. He smiles.

“Good. I don’t want to.” He says. I smile at him and kiss him. “Let’s get some sleep, baby.”

“Okay.” I say. I turn onto my side and his hands rest on my stomach and I rest my hand on his hands. He rests his chin on my shoulder and I close my eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too, baby.” He says. I fall asleep a few minutes later.

In the morning, I feel hands around me, clutching me to their body. I panic a second, but then realize its Jack. I immediately relax and roll onto my back. Jack’s hand limply lands on my chest and I look at him. He looks so peaceful sleeping. I put my ear to his chest to make sure he’s breathing and sigh of relief. Good. He didn’t die right there.

I roll on my side to face Jack and rest my hand on his cheek, taking his limp hand that isn’t under my body. I rub his cheek with my thumb and smile at him. I push hair that fell out of place of his face and kiss his lips. Since he’s still sleeping, he doesn’t kiss back.

He stirs when I pull away and smile when he opens his eyes.

“Morning.” I greet. He smiles at me.

“Best way to wake up.” He says tiredly. I smile widely and blush. “Come here.” He says, holding me close to him. I hug him back and kiss his cheek. “Let’s get out of this cramped bunk.”

“Alright.” I say. We crawl out of the bunk and walk to the front of the bus to see Rian, Zack and Matt talking. “Morning.”

“Look who’s up!” Rian says. We smile and I sit next to Zack. Jack joins me and wraps an arm around my waist and rests his head on my shoulder. “So… it’s the end of tour now right? For a little bit anyway?” he asks. I nod and sigh.

“I wish Jack could’ve been alive for our shows, but no. He had to be ‘dead’ at home while we were performing onstage without him.” I say, glancing at the boy next to me. “Loser.”

“It’s not my fault!” he shrieks. I kiss his nose and he calms down immediately.

“I know, babe. I know.” I say. He smiles at me and takes my hand. “I love you so much.” I tell him. He smiles.

“I love you too. I’m never leaving your side again.”

“I know, because we’re going to be connected at the hip from now on.” I say. He smiles and kisses me causing Rian, Zack and Matt to make ‘aw’ noises. I hug Jack, not wanting to let him go. Afraid to let him go. Why? Because last time I did, I didn’t see him for months. “You mean so much to me.”

“I know.”

“No one will understand how much you mean to me. Not even you. Losing you was like being hit by a truck every second.” I tell him. He smiles. Obviously not at the fact that I’d felt like I was being killed every second of every day, but the fact that he means that much to me.

“Baby…” he sighs, hugging me. “But you stayed so strong.”

“Because of how much you meant to me. I thought we went over this.” I say. He laughs.

“I’m still convinced you’re a ghost.” Rian says. Jack laughs. “But ghosts would go through people… hmm…” he shrugs and we laugh.

“So where are we headed, Matt?” Zack asks. Matt shrugs.

“Baltimore.” Matt says. Jack shakes his head.

“No! I’ve been there long enough.” He says.

“Then what do you suggest?” Matt asks. He shrugs and I smile, getting an amazing idea. He’s always talked about how he’s wanted to hang out in New York City for a night and go to Buffalo and since he didn’t tour with us, we can do that stuff for him. And I know exactly what to do with him.

“NEW YORK CITY!” I shout. They look at me as the bus pulls into a truck stop.

“What?” they all ask.

“New York City? Buffalo? Jack has always wanted to go there and explore.” I say. Jack smiles and holds my hand. “What? Did you think I forgot?”

“Yeah… kind of.” He says. I shake my head and kiss his cheek.

“No way. We went to New York City and all I could do was think of you and wonder what it would’ve been like to play there with you and explore.” I explain. Jack looks at Rian, Zack, and Matt and they nod.

“He was a wreck there. We almost didn’t finish the set because Alex was falling apart.” Rian points out. I bite my lip and look at Jack.

“Really?” Jack asks. I nod and sigh.

“What can I say? I missed you.” I sigh. He smiles and pulls me into his chest, holding me tight.

“I love you so much Lexxy.”

“I love you so fucking much, Jacky. Never ever leave me again.” I beg. He shakes his head.

“Never.” He says. I smile and he lets me go, draping an arm around my shoulders.

“I’ll tell him to head to New York then.” Matt says, walking over to the bus driver. I stand up and head to my bunk, wanting to lie down and sleep for a few more hours. When am I not tired? I lie in my bunk, staring out the window.

You have no idea how much I missed Jack. More than I would miss my parents… well… my dad. He means so much to me for the reason that he helped me through the darkest part of my life. Anorexia, self-harm, self-esteem and more. He knows how to cheer me up. Rian and Zack struggled to even get me to talk when I was sulking. I didn’t talk to everyone as much as I used to when Jack was “dead.”

No Jack meant, no life. I was a wreck and I’ll admit it, I craved my razor. I craved the pain and I started to eat less, not knowing how to cope with my pain. That being the only thing I did when I was in pain, was my only instinct. It was like when I tried to drown myself when Jack had “died.” My instinct was to immediately rid myself of the pain. Since I didn’t have my razor, my other instinct was to drown I guess. I need an escape and that’s how I was planning on doing it.

I’m glad it failed because Jack wasn’t actually dead and if I died, Jack would be alone in this shitty world without me and I don’t know how he would take it. He wouldn’t do what I did. No way would he do that. He was sulk and mourn and mope and be depressed, but I don’t think he’d take the dark route. No way. He’s too happy and-

My thoughts are interrupted by hands wrapping around my body and a body pressed against my back. I tense up a second and when I realize it’s my other half, the tension leaves almost immediately. I rest my hands on his intertwined fingers on my stomach and he kisses my cheek.

“What’cha thinking about?” he asks quietly.

“Stuff.” I say, rolling around to face him and kissing his lips. He lies on his back and I rest my head on his chest. “I’m tired.”

“Go to sleep then.” He says. I nod and close my eyes. He removes his arms from around me and takes my hand with one and draping the other one around my shoulders. “I love you darling.”

“I love you so damn much Jack.”

Notes

A little filler and fluff.
Guys! It's almost done with! Thanks for all the views, subscribers, votes and comments. We love you guysss! You're awesome!!! Sorry it took so long. I kept getting side tracked with YouTube and such. Tyler Oakley can be a huge distraction. Anyway! Enjoy Jalex and byeeee.
Don't know how many chapters we have left so I guess we'll find out.
-Jenna<3
Title Credit: All Time Low; My Only One