Fear of Falling Apart

I wake up in the morning groaning. Another night with two hours of sleep. Jack passed two days ago. Mrs. Barakat is still in Baltimore. Ugh... Why...? That's all I can ask.

Why?

He said we'd be together forever. Forever. That was a lie. A complete lie. And I believed it. I knew it was too good to be true. Now my dad's going to leave me right? Is that what's going to happen? I'm going to be parent-less. Then my friends will ditch me and I'll be alone. All alone.

I'm brought out of my thoughts by a banging on the door. The door opens and I see Rian peek his head in.

"Hey... Sorry to bother you, but we leave for tour tomorrow and you need to pack." Rian says. I just groan in response and he sighs. He walks over to me and sits on my bed. "Alex... I know you're upset. We all are, but tour! The biggest thing to happen to us in forever is happening and you're sulking."

"I was hoping Jack could be here with us." I mutter. "My life is a lie." I mutter. He shakes his head and pulls me into a hug.

"No it's not. It's just rough. Jack is watching you right now. He's watching you and he's proud of you. Just push through. It'll be over soon."

"I hope that doesn't mean I'll die." I say. That brings a smile to his lips which causes me to smile.

"No. Soon the raw pain of Jack passing will be a healed battle wound; an obstacle that you overcame. It'll make you stronger and show you there's more to life than mourning every second of the day." Rian explains. I never thought of it like that.

"Thanks, Ri." I say. He nods and smiles.

"No problem. Now get packing. Your dad is going to take us anywhere we want to make you happy again." Rian says, smiling. I nod and he leaves.

I spend an hour packing everything I need for tour. A picture of Jack and I to put in my bunk so I don't forget him, tons of clothes, chargers, my laptop, my beanies, the hope that my hair will grow back soon (haha...), and other things.

I set my bag in the corner of my room and head downstairs. My dad, Zack and Rian are talking in the living room.

"Morning sunshine." Zack laughs. I just look at him and sigh. "Cheer up, bud. Jack wouldn't want you to be sad. I don't want you to be dad. Rian doesn't. Mrs. Barakat doesn't and I definitely know your father doesn't want you upset. Cheer up."

"I know... I just thought we'd last forever." I sigh.

I remember sitting by his bed and hearing his last words. Not 'I love you' or a kiss or even a hug. Just 'Please Don't.'

All those times I was told we'd last forever; all the times I thought forever would be my forever, was a lie. It was his forever. He died and left me alone with my thoughts and my already deteriorating self esteem. The self esteem that Jack has kept in tact for so long. My depressing thoughts are coming back with new ones and I'm starting to consider self harm.

Then I think a minute.

Did he tell me that if anything happened to him to promise him that I would eat, I wouldn't hurt myself, I wouldn't consider suicide to be with him and that I would stay confident? Do you remember because I don't know for sure.

I'll try to recover completely. I won't relapse. I won't do anything that Jack wouldn't want me to do. I'll be happy, I won't mourn every waking second of my life, I won't put myself down, I'll play every show with a happy smile and save the tears for the tour bus.

Rian is right. I shouldn't mourn all the time. I should be happy. So what if I cry? It's normal to cry if you miss that someone who was most important to you.

I'm interrupted by a phone ringing. My dad answers and we look at him.

"Hi, Joyce. Good you? That's good." He pauses, listening. He nods and bites his lip. "That's... Strange. Normally that doesn't happen. It could be possible, but I wouldn't hope. It's very rare that that could actually happen. If anything else happens just give me a call. Great. Bye." My dad hangs up and we look at him.

"What happened?" We all ask at the same time.

"Mrs. Barakat said that his heart monitor started up again, but stopped a few minutes after." My dad says. "Don't get too excited though because odds are he really is gone." He right...

It's too good to be true anyway. I've given up all hope on spontaneous miracles. I've come up with stupid ones because I'm that desperate for my Jacky.

I thought he could just miraculously wake up. He would've never died. This is a really long nightmare. I'm hoping it's the third one. I hope I wake up soon.

"That kind of thing isn't possible anyway." Rian sighs. "We know." My dad nods and claps his hands together.

"Well, boys. What are we doing today?" He asks. We shrug and sigh. "C'mon. You're rockstars. You go on tour tomorrow. There's gotta be something you want to do before you leave for tour."

"Not really." Zack says. We all look at each other and sigh. "What is there to do in California?"

"Lots of things." My dad says. He starts listing all this stuff and I just sit there, letting Rian and Zack choose. "Sight seeing it is!" Who the fuck picked sight seeing?

Rian... We pile into the car and head out.

---two hours later---

We get home and I run upstairs to Jack's room. I lie on his bed and curl up under the covers, catching a whiff of his scent on the blankets. My Jacky. He's gone.

This is as close as I can get to cuddling him. I play the song that reminds me of him and throw on one of his hoodies, trying not to bawl. I'm more torn up about this than i thought I would be.

I need him back. I need him. He was my rock. I loved him more than I thought I could ever love someone. I was scared I'd be hurt, but I still loved him with all my heart. I put all my trust in him and he was my everything. Now he's... He's gone.

I find myself self-consciously scratching at my arms. I stop when I realize it and groan. No! Damn it!

The door opens and I see Zack and Rian. Zack runs over to me when he sees my arms and Rian gives me a look of sadness and shuts the door, leaving the room.

"Alex! What are you doing?" He asks.

"I was thinking and next thing I knew I was doing this." I sigh.

He pulls me into his muscular arms and I just melt into them, not wanting to move. I'm too numb to move or think.

I want to be done, but I promised Jack.

I love him more than life even if he isn't alive.

Notes

I know. 8 days for a short and sucky chapter. Sorry guys. I don't really have a reason for not being able to write.
well... Sorry...
byeee

-Jenna

titke credit: Liar, Liar; Christina Grimmie