Fear of Falling Apart

No more than a few tears manage to escape my eyes before I run. Straight out of the room and right between my dad and Zack, who were casually chatting; completely unaware of the tragedy that recently accord. I ignored the calls behind me. I just kept running. Right out of the hospital and into the streets.

I kept going, completely unaware of anything going on around me. I didn't know where I was going until I got there. When I arrived at the lake, I still couldn't cry. I felt completely and totally numb.

I flung my body into the water; not really caring that it would cold in the cool, September evening. I let out a high pitched wail before I resurfaced. I let myself go. I screamed until I had no air left to give. I started flailing my limbs until my head made it to the surface. I let out another wail before the sobs started. It felt like I couldn't breath; like there was a weight constricting my chest. I knew that if I didn't get out now, I'd likely drown. Not that it really matters anymore; nothing matters.

"Alex!" I heard someone yell at me. I couldn't tell who, but I didn't really care. Just let me die, let me go.

The next thing I know, I was being dragged to the surface by what felt like a strip of iron. It hurt a lot; it felt like I was being dragged over a cheese grater. Everything hurt. I wanted to squirm away, but I simply couldn't. And before I knew it, I was being dragged along the surface and into the grass.

Instinct took over as I started to pant in an attempt to catch my breath. I just started coughing and spewing out lake water. My nostrils were burning and I couldn't seem to open my eyes. Eventually I was able to fill my lungs with enough air to keep me from hyperventilating, which is always good I guess.

I opened my eyes to see my dad and Zack hovering over me. I briefly noticed that Zack was dripping wet; meaning he was the one that pulled me out. Asshole.

"Alex?" my dad said, concern dripping from his voice, "Please tell me you're alright."

I sat up slowly, taking in my surroundings. I was able to take in a few deep breaths before remembering why I tried to drown myself in the first place. Jack was dead.

I completely shut down after that thought entered my head. I collapsed into my dad's chest and started crying again. The noises I was making probably didn't even sound human, but at this point I could less. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me as I buried my head into my dad's shirt.

I just kept crying and spurting out random, pathetic blubbers until I physically no longer could. The burning in the back of my eyes didn't go away, but I found that no more tears would flow. I choked out another sob and tightened my grip on whatever it was I was holding. Eventually I couldn't bare to keep my eyes opened. I tried to maintain a grip on reality, but eventually the darkness took me over.

~

I was floating. No seriously, I really was. I was floating above Jack's backyard, right next to the old treehouse he built with his dad when he was little.

I looked at the ground to see two figures laying in the grass. Upon closer inspection, I saw that they were Jack... And myself? Jack had his arm wrapped around the shoulders of the other me. It looked like they were talking, but I couldn't really hear from up here.

I did my best to try and move closer to the ground. But it was really weird; kind of like I was trying to touch the bottom of a swimming pool, but I was some kind of flotation device pulling me up. I was able to catch some of there conversation though.

"I'm serious Alex," Jack said, smiling at my doppelganger, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

The other Alex shook his head, "I know that's what you want now Jack, but you don't know what the future'll hold. For all we know, we could get in a fight and spend the rest of our lives hating each other."

Jack sighed, "Nothing you could ever do would make me hate you. That is a promise. No matter what happens in the future, I know I want to be with you."

Alex number two mirrored Jack's sigh, "Stop it. I'm trying to be logical and not get my hopes up for nothing, but you're making it really hard."

Jack shook his head, "You stop doubting us. I know you don't want us to break up and neither to I, so everything's fine."

"But the band..."

"Will be fine if we're a couple," he said confidently, "People have been pairing up band members for so long. Once we get really popular, we can play it off as that."

Alex smiled shyly, "Ok. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Jack said, "I love you and that's all that matters."

"I love you too."

~

I awoke with a start, bolting straight up in bed. The dream filling up my head. It was like I was watching a memory play out in my head. That day was about a month before we left for California. Everything was so simple, so perfect. I miss it.

I took a deep breath in an attempt to keep myself from crying again. I reached over to my nightstand-noting that I somehow ended up in my room--and picked up my notebook. A sudden surge of inspiration hit me and I just needed to get everything out before it's gone.

I could feel tears dripping down my face as I scribbled down whatever my mind came up with. It was wild and messy and beautifully tragic. I pressed so hard on the paper that I could see the lead of the pencil chipping as I scrawled.

It was a little while later before someone interrupted me. There was a soft knock on my already opened door. I looked up to see Mrs. Barakat standing at the edge of my room. She looked defeated and sad; her eyes bloodshot and swollen.

"Alex," she said gently, "How are you feeling?"

"Empty," I responded, my voice fitting the description.

She but her lip before crossing the room over to the bed. She sat down on the side and hugged me tightly around the neck. I hugged her back and let go again. I honestly didn't know I was capable of producing so many tears.

"Oh sweetie," she cooed, I could tell she was crying as well, "It'll be ok. It's gonna be hard, but it'll end up ok."

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Notes

Oh hey. Guess who actually has an excuse for not updating this time! So, I was recovering from a pretty nasty concussion and I couldn't be on the computer for very long because it hurt my head too bad. But I'm finally getting better, so here, have a shitty filler chapter. :DD

Title Cred: Fall Out Boy- Just One Yesterday

<3 Mary