Fear of Falling Apart

I groan, opening my eyes. It's about seven o'clock and I can hear my dad's awful singing in the kitchen. He's cooking. Great. Since Mrs. Barakat is back in Baltimore with the love of my life, my dad has cooked. Luckily it's only breakfast that he cooks. Dinner we order something.

We're basically done with our album and now we're waiting for them to release it. Since we've started girls have sat outside our house, just sitting there. It's really weird since i started as a boy in a small town with no friends whatsoever. Now i have girls who want to just be with me and I don't understand that.

I get out of bed since my dad's horrid singing isn't helping me sleep and go downstairs. How Zack and Rian are still sleeping, I don't know.

"Morning dad." i greet walking into the kitchen. I sit at the counter and he smiles at me.

"You're up early."

"It probably had to do with you singing while i was trying to go back to sleep. i don't know though." i say. He rolls his eyes and I laugh. "Whatcha making?"

"Food."

"Fine, don't tell me." i say. He laughs. "But i smell bacon, so I bet it's good." i say. He nods and I walk into the living room.


"So... listen. Mrs. Barakat said that Jack might not have much longer and I thought it'd be a good idea to go back to Baltimore and see him, just in case he..."

"Don't say that! He's not leaving me." i say. He sighs and nods.

"Well, what do you say? Surprise him?" he asks. I nod rapidly and smile.

"YES!" i shout and then remember we have an interview today. First one ever and I don't get to be with my boyfriend. "What about that interview?"

"I asked Kieth he said he'd reschedule." he says. i nod and smile. "Go upstairs and pack. We're staying for a week because what's the point of going home if you can't stay a while?"

"Yay!" i shout, running upstairs to wake up Rian and Zack. I go to Zack first and hit him with a pillow. He groans. "Zack! Get up! We're going back to Baltimore!"

"Why?!" he asks.

"To see Jack." i say. He jumps out of bed and I run out of the room. I go to Rian next and turn on his light since i know he hates that when he's trying to sleep. "Up! We're seeing Jack today!"

"He's in Baltimore though." he groans.

"So?" i ask. He gets out of bed ten times slower than Zack and i run out of his room. i go into my room and start packing.

I get to see my Jacky today. Yes!

I run downstairs, dragging my bag with me. My dad is sitting there calling someone, but when i hear the conversation, I'm pretty sure he's talking to Mrs. Barakat. Zack and Rian come down a half hour after me and then we pack up the car.

"Okay, so I'm dropping you at the hospital when we get there and I'll bring everything home. Mrs. Barakat will be at the hospital, but she's picking us up here so we don't have to rent a car." my dad explains when he starts driving, we just nod.

I stare out the window, the blue sky making me think of Jack. i miss his smile, his happy face, his laugh, the way he bites his lip when he's nervous, when he jumps up and down and squeals when he's excited, how he paces when he's thinking, when he stares blankly when he's zoned out and when we cuddle. I miss everything and I finally get to see him again and hopefully not for the last time.

I need my Jacky to stay with me for however long forever is for me. I need him to stay alive. He's the only reason why I'm here. This rockstar life doesn't change how I feel about myself. It just shows me that with hard work, I can get where I want. I know some people will hate me and I know that some people will like me. But Jack is the only that reminds me that I'm not ugly, fat, stupid or anything else. I'm me and he tells me that's all I have to be.

When I shaved my head for him, I was showing him that he's not ugly. Now i have to prove to myself that I'm not ugly even without my best trait. No matter how bad I miss my hair right now.

It was for Jack.

We get to the airport and I grab my bags. We go through security and then head to the gate. We wait for a little bit before our plane is called. I got the window side while Rian has the aisle seat. Zack is sitting with my dad. Poor Zack.

I stare out the window listening to "Waiting For Superman" by Daughtry and hum along quietly. It makes me think of the situation at hand. When will Jack's Superman save him?

She’s watching the taxi driver, he pulls away
She’s been locked up inside her apartment a hundred days

She says, “Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the laundromat washing his cape”
She’s just watching the clouds roll by and they spell her name like Lois Lane
And she smiles, oh the way she smiles

She’s talking to angels,
Counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers,
Falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah
Waiting for Superman

She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse
Nothing’s making sense
She’s been chasing an answer, a sign lost in the abyss,
This Metropolis

She says, "Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day”
She says, "If life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this,
Left without a kiss."
Still, she smiles, the way she smiles, yeah

She’s talking to angels,
She’s counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers,
She’s falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah
She’s waiting for Superman...

...to lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love and flying through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight
Oh, at the speed of light
And she smiles

She’s talking to angels,
She’s counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers,
She’s falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah
She’s waiting for Superman...

...to lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love, oh, and flying through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight
She’s waiting for Superman

I feel tears brimming my eyes. I think of Jack once again and RIan pokes me. I wipe my eyes quickly and look at him.

"Are you okay?"

"No." i sigh. "What if Jack won't be okay? What will I do?"

"He's going to be fine, Alex. He's doing what you did for him." he says. "He's fighting."

Remember when I tried to kill myself? I'll admit it, I was fighting. I wanted to die so badly, but i knew Jack would be a wreck if I gave up. I mean it when i say he's the only reason why I'm still here.

"But what if fighting isn't good enough... what if-"

"Alex, stop. You're making things worse for yourself. Think of the positives." he says. "If he makes it, he'll be with you. If he makes it, you can live your dream with the one who worked so hard to achieve it. He was doing this for you, you know. He knew how badly you wanted to not be in school." he explains. I nod and hug him.

"Thanks, Rian." i say, wiping my eyes.

"Now, how about we do something else while we have a few hours left?" he asks. I smile.

"Okay."

--A few hours later--

We get off the plane and I run to baggage claim. The faster we get our stuff, the faster we get to Jack. I need to see my baby before it's too late.

We get our bags and head outside to find Mrs. Barakat. She waves us down and we head over to her, shoving our bags in the trunk. We get in and she heads to the hospital. We get there and my dad takes the wheel while Mrs. Barakat comes with us.

"See you in a bit dad." i say. He nods and drives away. "Jack!" i shout running inside the building.

Mrs. Barakat leads me down the hall and opens the door. I see my Jacky sitting in his bed looking bored out of his mind. That is until i get there. Through his large smile, i can see he looks worse than when i last saw him over video chat.

"Hey, Jacky." i greet, sitting in a chair next to him. I take his hand and he squeezes it. "How're you doing?"

"Worse." he sighs.

"You're going to be okay." I tell him. He sighs. "Please, just stay with me. i can't lose you."

"I don't want to leave you either." he says.

"Then don't." i beg, tears threatening to spill over.

We talk for a little bit and I tell him that our EP is coming out soon and he congratulates me on it. I then tell him I'm going to a little walk around. He doesn't let me at first, He lets me and a few minutes later, Rian is in a panic.

"Alex, come. Now!" he shouts. I run behind him and we come to his room. I see Jack's eyes are closed. Shit.

I sit next to him and take his hand. His eyes slowly open.

"There's one thing you should know." his mom says, tears streaming down her cheeks. I look at her, my hands shaking. "It's not the Cancer killing him anymore. The chemo worked."

"Then what is it?!"

"He has a bad case of Pneumonia." she says. I look at Jack, tears brimming my eyes.

"Don't cry." he says weakly. I just look at him. "Please, don't."

"We're supposed to be together forever, Jacky! Please don't leave me like this." i cry. His eyes close again and I know I've lost him. His grip on my hand loosens and I feel like crying forever.

The only one I'm sure I love is gone. And the confirm it, the heart monitor goes straight.

He's gone. without and I love you or a kiss... nothing.

Notes

title credit: Waiting For Superman; Daughtry
I'm sorryy!!!
Don't hate us!!
This is my third time typing this. It took three times because my computer sucks, so i hope this is as good as the other two.
-Jenna