Fear of Falling Apart

~Jack
I sat quietly in the airport terminal; waiting with my mother for our flight back to Baltimore. This wasn't supposed to how I was to return home; sad and alone and on my way to recieve treatment that may or may not save my life. I was supposed to be living it up with my best friends and boyfriend. This was supposed to be the summer of my life, not possibly the last one.

I know I'm being pessimistic and cynical, but I don't really give a fuck. When Alex tried to come home with me, I might have fought with him until he stayed, but that doesn't mean I don't want him here. I'd much rather have him by my side the entire process. But I'm not going to take this opportunity away from him or Rian or Zack. They can function as a three man band, I know they can. I made them swear they wouldn't stop if I didn't make it.

When our flight was called, I slumped up and dragged my fatigued body to my seat. If you can't guess, I haven't been sleeping very well since the news. I collapsed into the seat and put in my headphones. The less human interaction the better. I scrolled through my iPod and pulled up a playlist Alex made for me a few months ago. The first song that came up was Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying by Fall Out Boy. I sighed as Patrick Stump's voice filled my ears and lulled me into a peaceless sleep.

~

The next thing I knew I was being shaken away by my mother. She was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear her because Kill the Messenger by Jack's Mannequin was screeching in my ears. I pulled my headphones out so I could talk to her.

"What did you say?" I asked, yawning.

"I said we're back in Baltimore," she repeated, smiling slightly, "When I made arrangements with the hospital back in LA, I was told to bring you in as soon as we landed, so let's go."

I groaned, "I just want to go home..."

"I know," she sympathized, "But the quicker we get you taken care of, the quicker we can put this behind us."

Oh mom, how can you be so optimistic? I sighed and followed her off the plane. I trudged in silence through the airport as we picked up our baggage. After that was done we left the airport in a taxi my mom called for earlier.

The ride to the hospital was awkward and silent. Mom kept trying to make conversation, but I just wasn't having it. I texted Alex, but he didn't text me back. I figured he was still asleep because of the time difference. I really didn't want to be here, I'd rather be dead to be honest.

When we arrived at the hospital, I was taken away from my mom almost instantly. All of my possessions were taken away as well. Some nurse said they'd be waiting in my room when I got there. Know one really told me what was happening, other than I was recieving some scan to show if the cancer progressed any since the scan in LA. But, considering that was only three days ago, I'd be surprised if has.

After I laid still inside of a bleak, white machine for god knows how long, I was taken into a private examination room where my mom and some doctors-I assumed-were sitting. My mom smiled weakly as I sat down next to her. She ruffled my hair as one of the doctors started talking.

"Hello Jack," he said, his voice loud and deep, "I'm Dr. Urie, but you can call me Brendon if you want. I'll be your head doctor while you're receiving treatment here. According to the tests and scans you received in LA in comparison to the one you just had, there has been no progression. But that doesn't really give us much to go off of though because of the short time span between scans. It's definitely a good thing there was no growth though."

"We do have a couple of options for treatment," another doctor said, "I'm Dr. Ross, Brendon's assistant. You could either go with normal chemo to try to kill the infected cells, or we can go straight into surgery to remove them."

"It is recommended to go with the chemo first," Brendon interrupted, "While yes, chemo has a lot of side effects, it works pretty well. Insurance companies are usually hesitant to approve the surgery without a chemo attempt first."

My mom nodded slowly, "I guess, we can stick with the chemo..."

Dr. Ross and Brendon launched into a detailed explaination of the chemo process and side-effects. I stayed quiet as they explained how I could lose strength, get sick, lose my hair and other wonderful sounding things. How can something that kills so many things possibly be good?

"We also recommend staying at the hospital until the end of the process," Dr. Ross said, "And if it's ok, we'd like to get started right away."

What am I getting myself into?

~

~Alex

It's been a couple of months since Jack went back to Baltimore to receive treatment. We've kept in close contact through texting and calling, even an occasional video chat. I just miss him so much and I'm so worried for his well being. But, thankfully we're all coming home with in the next few weeks and I can actually go see him.

Joyce has been doing a good job keeping us informed about his condition. As far as I know, the chemo's been working very slowly. It's also been really hard on him, which breaks my heart. I can tell when I talk to him, he can't hold a conversation for very long without getting tired. It's almost like he's been a cancer patient for years rather than months. Everytime it makes me want to cry.

I pulled out my laptop and decided to try video calling him. All of this thinking is making me miss him even more. I logged in to Skype and saw that he was on. I smiled and pressed the call button. I had to wait a little while, but he answered nonetheless.

His face was thinner than the last time I talked to him like this; his cheeks were sunken in. He had a beanie on top of his head and his teeth dug into his lower lip. But it was his eyes that really concerned me. They were red and water. I also noticed red tear tracks on his cheeks.

"Baby what's wrong?" I exclaimed.

He turned to the side and ran his hand over his beanie clad head before shrugging.

"Come on love, you can tell," I said gently, "Why are you crying?"

"It's gone Alex," he mumbled, "I knew it was going to happen, but it's all gone."

"What's gone babe?" I bit my lip.

"My hair," he pulled off the beanie to reveal the area once covered in his dark locks to be completely bare and a little bit shinny, "It started coming off in patches earlier this week. My mom and the nurse agreed to just shave it today."

"Oh baby," I cooed, not sure what else to say.

"I'm so ugly Lex," he said, his voice quivering, "You're going to break up with me when you get back because you won't want such an ugly boyfriend."

"Jack I love you and I'd never do that," I stated. He remained silent. An idea popped in my head before I spoke again, "Jack, I have to go, but I'll call you back in like 10 minutes. Ok?"

He nodded and turned his camera off. I did the same before racing downstairs to find my dad.

He was sitting alone in the living room reading the paper.

"Dad, did you bring an electric razor?" I asked, biting my lip.

He looked up from his paper, "Yes," he answered, "Why?"

I looked down and fiddled with my sweatshirt hem, "I was video chatting with Jack, and well..." I trailed off, unable to complete my thought.

He smiled softly, "I think I understand. He had to shave his head because of the chemo, right?"

I nodded, "He was so upset about it. He called himself ugly and said I'd break up with him because I wouldn't want such an ugly boyfriend."

"Are you sure that's how you want to prove him wrong?" he asked.

I nodded, "I want to prove him wrong and be supportive at the same time..."

He smiled, "In my bathroom under the sink. Make sure to clean up when you're done."

I returned the smile, "Thanks dad."

I ran back upstairs and into his bathroom. I rummaged through the cupboard under the sink until I found it. I plugged it in and took off the safety. I turned it on and ran my hand through my hair. Do I really want to do this? Yes, it grows back. And Jack's more important to me.

I pushed my bangs up over my forehead and ran the razor over my head. Tuffs of my long, dark hair fell into the sink. I looked up in shock to feel a thick line down the middle of my head. I bit my lip before continuing the process.

The next time I looked up at the mirror, it was all gone. It felt almost surreal. I brought my hand to my head and ran it across my stubbly scalp. It hasn't been this short since I first grew hair. The feeling against my hand was kinda cool though, I'll admit. I looked down at the sink and shuttered at all of the hair. It looked like a cat had died or something. I took out my phone and took a picture of all the hair in the sink.

I quickly sent it to Jack with the caption; "I love you and I'd never leave you for something so trivial."

I wasn't quite sure how to clean this up so I just took fistfuls and threw them into the toilet. It took awhile, but eventually most of it was transferred. I flushed the toliet and drained the rest of it down the sink. I checked my phone as i walked back to my room and saw Jack texted me back.

"Video chat now."

I smiled to myself and logged back into skype on my laptop. I didn't have the chance to call him before he video requested me. I accepted quickly. When the window opened, I saw that he had tears running down his face.

"You didn't have to do that," he whispered, staring at my head on the screen.

I ran my hand over my scalp again, "I know," I smiled, "But I wanted to."

"But why?" he asked, biting his lip, "You were so proud of your hair..."

I sighed, "Because I love you and I never want you to feel scared or alone. Now when we're together, people will be focused more on me than you because let's face it, you pull this look off so much better."

He smiled and started laughing, "God I love you so much."

Notes

Ok, I don't have an excuse for why this took so long... Hehe but here, have an adorable Alex and an emotion Jack...

Title cred: Fall Out Boy- Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

~Mary <3