Fear of Falling Apart

Alex's POV

I lie in bed, just thinking. Jack doesn't want to be with me tonight. He doesn't want me to see him cry, but i honestly don't really care. I want to be with him and cuddle him and make sure he'll be okay. I want to make him feel like nothing is happening. i want it to seem like he's okay even if he's not.

If i lose Jack I will fall to pieces. I'll be alone without anyone to care for; without someone to care for me. He can't die. He needs to fight this.

I don't want him to go. I need him to stay.

I don't want to let him go and I'm not going to.

I hear sniffling in the other room, breaking the erie silence of the sleeping house and sigh. I hear crying and bite my lip, covering my head with my blankets. He doesn't want me there. I don't know why, but he doesn't.

I just want my baby to be okay. I don't want him to leave me. I don't need to lose another person. Too many people i cared about are gone. i'm not losing another one.

I hear my door open and sit up seeing Rian. I fall back and stare at the ceiling.

"Jack is crying."

"I know, but he doesn't want me int here." i mutter.

"When did he say that?"

"Earlier when he said he wanted to be alone." I say. Rian sighs and walks over ot my bed, sitting on the edge of it. "Rian... what if he... dies? What will that do to the band?" I ask, not wanting to bring up what would happen to me if he died.

"What will that do to you?" he asks. Fuck. I look at Rian and sigh.

"It'll kill me." i sigh.

"I know... so whatever it does to you, it does to the band."

"IT'LL KILL OUR BAND?!" i nearly scream, sitting straight up. Rian immediately covers my mouth and looks at me with wide eyes. Since everyone is asleep, that wasn't the smartest thing to do.

"Shh!" Rian hums. I look down. "Alex... if we lose him, we lose the one who worked so hard to get us here. He kept us moving. If we lose him, we lose our motivation. We would definitely not last."

"Or he would be our motivation."

"What?"

"Think about it. If Jack died, he'd want us to keep going... we'd just have to go on without him.. As much as it would kill me, we'd probably need to find a new guitarist. Either that or we go on with three band members." i explain.

Rian sees the tears welling up in my eyes and pulls me into a hug. I try not to cry because i only cry in front of Jack.

This is tearing the both of us apart. Jack is literally dying and I'm mentally dying. If i lose him, i'll lose my sanity. I just regained it because of Jack! If he dies, I would be doing stupid shit.

I'd get so drunk every night just trying to forget all my pain. Everything. The fact the only one i actually cared about is dead would eat me up.

"Alex..." Rian sighs as I realize I'm crying.

"I can't lose him Rian! I can't!" i cry.

"I know, Alex... i know."

Jack's POV

With the lights off, I sit in the pile of pillows in the corner of my room that I set up when i heard Alex and Rian talking. I'm curled up under a blanket, tears soaking areas of the blanket as I dab at my eyes, I have my ear pressed up against the thin wall separating my room from Alex's.

I hear them talking about what would happen if i did die.

"I can't lose him RIan! I can't!" I hear Alex cry.

"I know, Alex... I know."

"No you don't! He helped me with everything! From the minute I met him he's helped me! My anorexia, my self harm, my messed up head, my mom, everything! He was always right there! If he left me, I would fall apart all over again. I'm just regaining my sanity! I don't want him to go and I'm not letting him go! He's all I have left Rian." Alex cries, sadness and anger dripping from each word. "Why did I ever think anything would go well for me?"

I start bawling and suddenly realize he just told RIan about all his problems he only told me about. His anorexia and his self harm, He just told RIan. Rian doesn't pay attention to that though which is good because that's the last thing Alex needs right now.

I close my eyes when the lights in my room turn on. I groan and they turn off again as the door shuts.

"Sorry." Zack's calm voice interrupts the heart breaking conversation and my thoughts. He walks over to me and sits down. I lean against him and start crying. "What is going on? I heard Alex talking and then i heard someone shouting and now just talking again. What's happening?"

"Me! I'm the fucking problem!" I say loudly, but not too loud. "Can't he just kill me and get it over with?"

"Jack, You're not giving up that easliy. We're not letting you. Alex would shatter to pieces seeing the condition he's in now. He can't live without you Jack, don't make him have to."

"Zack, I can't even fight off a cold." I mutter. "It takes me months to get over a cold. Cancer will do so much worse."

"Jack..."

"I know i did all this work to get to live my dream, but... you guys will have to do this without me. You can live your dream without me. I'll still be here even if you can't see me." i explain.

"Jack! Don't talk like that! You're fighting this off and you're going to live this dream with us; together." Zack says.

"You don't know that, Zack!" i shout.

"I know you'll get through it!" Zack almost shouts not even caring if it wakes up anyone.

I look at him tears brimming my eyes. Not because he yelled at me, but because i really think i can't do this.

"Jack listen... you're a strong kid... you're a fighter. We're all here right beside you. You're going to be okay. You're the strongest kid i know. You're going to get through this before our first EP comes out and you're going to be here for our first concert. You'll be here to meet your heroes and you'll be here for us and most importantly Alex. You're the reason he's still here. When that nurse said that the rest was up to him that day he tried to die, he was fighting for you. He wanted to be with you. He didn't want to leave you. You're going to be here and you're going to be here for Alex." he explains.

I hug Zack and bury my head in his shoulder. I start crying and realize what my Cancer is doing to my relationship with Alex. It's tearing us apart.

We're both broken.

We're both confused.

Zack is right. Alex does need me.

"You're going to be okay." he says soothingly.

---Next Day---

Alex's POV

I lie in bed when I wake up, not wanting to face the day. it's another day where Jack is stuck in his room. He doesn't want to leave either. I'm not doing anything today nor do I want to. My door opens and I see the face of my boyfriend.

His eyes are red and swollen, his face is tear stained and his hair is a mess. I sit up and hold my arms out. He shuts the door and runs over to me, collapsing into my arms and crying. I rub his back, shushing him, trying to calm him down.

He's been here for me for i don't even know how long. It's my turn to be here for him. No crying Alex.

"Shhh... Jacky." i hum. He takes a deep breath and looks me in the eyes.

"Can we cuddle?" he asks when he calms down. I smile and nod.

He sits next to me on the bed and we lie on our backs. He curls into a ball against my side and i wrap an arm around him, pulling the blankets over us. He mumbles something, but i can't hear him.

"What, baby?"

"I'm scared." he says. i sigh and close my eyes. I don't know what to tell him. I know what he doesn't want to hear and that's the three words you'll be okay.

"I know baby." i say. "I am too."

"Why?"

"Because... my baby is in danger and I don't want anything to happen to you. This is one thing i can't protect you from and it's killing me." I tell him honestly trying not to flip the attention onto me. Jack needs the attention now, not me.

"How could i just suddenly get Cancer? It's not fair."

"Especially since that's god's way of messing with me... he doesn't want me to be happy. He wants to make me miserable by taking the only one i truly care for away from me." i explain. And here i go again putting everything back on me. "Sorry..."

"For what?"

"I just turned things around onto me. This is about you not me."

"I know you're scared about losing me Alex." he says, ignoring what i said.

"Of course I am!" i say.

"No.. i mean i heard you and Rian talking last night."

"We woke you up?"

"I never fell asleep." he says. I cock my head. "i didn't get any sleep last night. i was too busy crying. i set up pillows in the corner of my room and cried in the dark while listening to you talk to Rian. Zack came in a little into your conversation and started talking to me. I then just laid in bed until morning when i decided to come in here."

"Jacky! You need to sleep!" I say. He shrugs. "I'm here now. Get some sleep."

"Okay." he says. I smile as he curls up closer (if it's even possible) to me.

"I love you more than life." I say to him.

"i love you more than that." Jack says. i smile and kiss his head.

"Get some sleep baby." I say to him. He nods and closes his eyes.

A few hours later he wakes up and looks at me with tired eyes. I smile and kiss him, saying nothing.

We lie there in silence before someone knocks at the door. We look up and see Rian, Zack and Keith.

"There you are!" Rian says. Jack looks at me, hugging me tightly, afraid they'll take him from me. "We didn't know where you went. We thought you'd be in your room all day." Jack just shakes his head.

"Are you okay? Besides the fact that you-"

"I know." Jack mutters, interrupting Zack. "Don't remind me."

"Sorry." Zack sighs. Jack shrugs and buries his head in my shoulder. Matt comes in with a camera and I just close my eyes.

"Jack... i heard about what's going on." Keith says, sitting on my bed. "We're all here for you. We know you're scared, but we're here with you every step of the way." Jack's head lifts off my shoulder and I open my eyes. I drape my arm around his shoulders and hold him close to me.


"The happy couple." Matt says, obviously trying to llighten up the mood.

"Should've been here last night." i mutter.

"What?" Matt asks. I shake my head and cover my face with the pillow.

"No cameras." I groan.

"Aww, Lexxy." Jack smiles. "Someone's grumpy."

"Someone's in a better mood than i would've expected." i say. He smiles and kisses me.

"I can't worry as much. I'll make myself miserable." Jack says. I smile.

"Good! Don't let Cancer bring you down. It would kill me." i say, forgetting everyone is in the room.

"I know." Jack says. "Let's get off this topic." He says clearly uncomfortable. I nod and we look at everyone.

"So, what are we doing today?" I ask. Keith looks at Rian and Zack then at us. "What?"

"Nothing." Keith answers. "We're just going to hang here since we have nothing planned. Jack needs to rest so I guess you guys can stay right there."

"Perfect." Jack smiles, nuzzling his face into my shoulder again. They leave the room and I smile. I hold Jack like if I let go i'll never see him again.

If I lose him, I lose my source of life, I lose the one that kept me sane through all the shit in my life. I can't lose him.

I just can't.

Notes

I like this chapter!!!!!:)
liking it? Cool.
title credit: sick little games; All Time Low
-Jenna