Fear of Falling Apart

“Jack?” my mom said gently from behind the closed door, “Please come out honey, we need to go back to the hospital for some more tests before figuring out a treatment plan.”

“I don’t want to!” I yelled; my voice shaky as I willed myself not to cry, “Why does it matter? I’m just going to die anyways!”

“We don’t know that baby,” she mumbled, “After you ran out the doctor said that if it’s not too far along with the right treatment you could into remission.”

I cringed at the word ‘remission,’ that means terminal. Terminal means that I’ll always have the chance of getting sick again. So basically, in the words of John Green, I’m a walking time bomb; destined to explode and hurt everyone around me. It would be best if I just gave up and died.

The thought of that had me breaking down again. I was thankful that I was alone; no one needs to see me cry.

“Please Jack,” she begged, “You can get better, you can have the life you want.”

I didn’t respond. My life is over. I’m a walking corpse, clinging on the little bit of life force I have left. Fighting would be a waste of my time and my parent’s money. I wish they’d leave me alone to die.

“What about Alex?” she said, “You know he’ll want you to take the treatment once he finds out. You and I both know he plans on being with you for a very long time. He’d be crushed if you just gave up. If you won’t do it for me or yourself, do it for him.”

That was low, bringing Alex into this. Yes, she has a point and yes I want to be with him for the foreseeable future. But, I don’t want to put him through a false hope when I could die regardless of treatment. I think he’d want me to take every opportunity possible to get better. I mean, why would he listen to me when I tell him not to cut when I’m slowly killing myself?

I sighed heavily and wiped my tears away before opening the door, “Well played mother, well played.”

~~~~

~Alex

I was slightly concerned when Jack came back from the hospital. He looked like he was about to break down, and he didn’t even talk to me when I asked him if he was ok. And now, he and his mother are leaving again and he still won’t look at me. He walked right passed all of us and out the door, not even a kiss goodbye. So yeah, I’m really concerned.

“We’re going back to the hospital for a little bit,” Mrs. Barakat told everyone that was in the room at the time, “There are a few things that the doctor forgot to do…” She sounded irritated, but also a bit defeated, “We’ll be back later.”

I nodded, “Is he ok?” I asked hesitantly, “He seemed kind of down…”

“Oh-um,” Mrs. Barakat stammered, seeming very uncomfortable, “Yeah, the doctor just had to give him some medicine and he’s kind of grumpy because of it.”

I nodded slowly, raising an eyebrow. It’s not that I think she’d lie to me, it just seems like she’s hiding something. I guess if it’s important enough I’ll find out eventually.

As she walked out the door I turned to Rian. It looked like he was just as worried as I was. But when he saw me, he quickly smiled and said, “I’m sure it’s nothing Alex. Let’s go play Mario Cart or something…”

I reluctantly agreed and followed him to the entertainment room. It was really nice actually, a big TV, some video games and a few plush couches. Rian hit the button on the Wii and handed me a controller. I would forever be amazed by the concept of the Wii; but even my fascination wasn’t enough to distract me from the pressing concern of my love’s health situation.

~~~~

It was about five hours later when Mrs. Barakat and Jack came back. I was sitting at the table with Matt, Greico and Zack eating pizza. I smiled when he came in, only to have it instantly turn to a frown when saw the condition he was in.

“Baby?” I asked to the disheveled looking boy, “Are you ok?”

He broke out into tears when I spoke to him. Before I could even stand up he had ran out of the room and up the stairs. I stood up to follow him, only to be stopped by his mother catching my wrist.

“Alex,” she said weakly, her eyes glassy, “Give him a minute, he’ll come back to talk soon.”

I felt my chest tighten up. I wasn’t sure if it was look on her face or the tone of her voice that gave it away. But it was obvious to me now; something is very wrong.

I slid back into my chair and crossed my arms over my stomach. Suddenly my entire body felt heavy. Seconds passed as hours; minutes as days. I looked around at the others. They all looked worried, but not terribly so. It was like they were oblivious to the ominous, wary tone in Mrs. Barakat’s words.

It was a good 20 minutes before Jack came back downstairs. His hair was ruffled and his eyes were red and swollen. It was obvious to me he had been crying. I stood up at his entrance; fully prepared to run to him; except, he beat me to it and flung himself into my arms. He clutched me tightly, like he was afraid I’d leave if he let go. I did my best to return the favor by throwing my arms around him neck; whispering comforting nothings into his ear.

I heard Mrs. Barakat say to Zack-or maybe Matt, I wasn’t paying attention, “Go get the others, this is important.”

As I stood there in the arms of my love, the details and possible repercussions of the situation became hyper-realistic. So many possible endings went through my head; most of them did not have the happy ending I wanted. And to be quite frank, I’m terrified.

“Jack,” Mrs. Barakat murmured gently, “It’s time baby.”

Jack tightened his grip for a moment before falling completely slack. I bit my lip before firmly pressing my lips to his forehead mumbling, “I love you so much,” onto his head.

He took a few steps back from me and wiped his eyes-strange, I didn’t even realize he was crying. He took a deep breath before speaking, “Look, everyone here knows I had some tests done at the hospital,” his voice was shaky and unsure, “And, it obviously wasn’t good…” he paused to swallow hardly, “Guys, I’m sorry but I’ve ruined everything we’ve worked for. I have stomach cancer…”

Suddenly, time around me stopped. The air thickened and the tightness in my chest doubled. Cancer. My baby, my one true love, has cancer.

“They said if I start treatment right away I might have a chance,” he said weakly, his voice cracking along with my heart, “So, I’m going back to Baltimore tomorrow morning to start chemo,” I could see him visibly tense at the word, “and I want you guys to stay out here and finish up with the demo. Just because I’ll be stuck in a hospital for a while doesn’t mean you guys can’t live your dreams…”

And all of a sudden, my heart was pieces; shattered all along the floor. I’ll have to warn everyone that the pieces might cut them if they step on them later. But right now, I was more focused on Jack. I ran to him; closing the few feet distance that was suddenly a few feet to much. I wrapped my arms around him tightly; this time it was my turn to hold him like he’d leave if I let go. Because, this time, he just might.

And yeah, I’ve been through some bad stuff, but this is the only time I’ve ever felt true heartbreak.

Notes

So... How is everyone's day? Good? I'm glad... :3

I'm just gonna throw this out here; I almost turned this into a crack fic... I was this close to giving into the temptation of a massively hilarious curveball... But I didn't do it so you should be proud of me!

Title Cred: Jack's Mannequin- Bruised (You can't even fathom my obsession with this song)