Fear of Falling Apart

Jack's POV

We get home from recording and I sit cuddled up to Alex; his arm is around my shoulders, our fingers intertwined and my head is on his shoulder. We're in the living room watching Home Alone. It keeps my mind from wandering. Why would it do that?

Because even though i said my mom is just a "worry-wort," i can't help but think maybe something is wrong with me. No one goes into the next day after being so sick you thought you would die to be perfectly fine. Unless it has happened to you.

"Jacky, stop worrying." Alex says quietly. I look up at him and shake my head.

"I'm not."

"Yes you are. I can tell." he says. I shake my head again. I then just give up and rest my head on his shoulder.

"Why do you have to know me so well?" i ask him. He smiles.

"I just do. Now what's wrong?" he asks. I sigh.

"What if there's something wrong with me?"

"Then we'll find out tomorrow. They'll find the problem if there is one and then you'll find out how to get better." Alex explains. I look at him with worry. "Baby, you have nothing to worry about. I promise." i nod and kiss his cheek.

"I'm tired, Lexxy." I complain. He giggles and rolls his eyes.

"Want me to come with you to bed?" He asks.

I nod and smile. He picks me up and carries me upstairs to my room. He drops me on my bed and I laugh. I curl up under the covers and he shuts my door. Alex lies next to me and plays a song I've never heard before.

He sings along and. I just listen not wanting to interrupt his amazing voice.

"I am scarred from my head down to my heart where you aimed and left your mark. It's all that I have to remind me you're gone; it keeps me from moving on." He sings. I smile at him.

"What song is that?" I ask.

"Scarred by Jamestown Story... It was the song I listened to when Tom died." He sighs. I sit up and hug him tightly.

"I'm sorry." I sigh.

"Why? It happened a while ago."

"It could've been when you were first born or before that. It wouldn't change the fact that you don't have a brother now and I'm really sorry about that." I explain. He smiles and kisses me.

"How is it you always know what to say when I'm upset?"

"I'm just that amazing." I smile. He nods.

"You're so amazing there's no words to describe you." Alex smiles.

"What can I say?" I giggle. "You're so perfect there's no words to describe you."

"Thanks baby."

We curl up under the covers and I rest my head on his chest, intertwining our fingers. His arm drapes around my shoulders and our legs are tangled together.

"I love you."

"I love you too." Alex says. "Everything will be fine tomorrow. I promise."

-next day-

I wake up to Alex shaking me awake and shouting downstairs. I open my eyes groaning and Alex looks at me.

"Alex, you alright?" I ask.

"Yeah. The shouting just reminds me of..." He trails off and I look at him, still lying down. He's sat cross legged next to me. "You know what? Never mind."

"Alex."

"It reminds me of when my parents fought. They'd fight and fight and fight and would never shut up. Those days I'd never get any sleep because it was all the time."

"Awe, baby." I sigh, sitting up and hugging him.

"Enough about me. You're leaving in an hour." He says. I sigh.

"You're coming too right?" I ask. He shakes his head and I sigh.

"Sorry Jacky. Since you're going to be gone, Rian, Zack and I were going to see a movie."

"Not the one I want to see right?" I ask. He shakes his head.

"No way. Only because it's a scary movie and I'd need you there next to me." He says. I smile.

"So... Get up and get ready." He leaves the room after kissing me and I get up.

I change into sweats and a tee shirt and then walk into the bathroom. I just brush my hair so it's just flat. No need to style it. I see the blonde patches sticking out and smile.

I love that I had that idea.

I walk into my room and throw on socks. I head downstairs and see Rian and Zack arguing about the TV channel. They end up turning it off and pouting.

"Looking nice." Rian says.

"I know. I'm going dressy today." I say sarcastically. Sometimes I crack myself up. Arms wrap around my waist and I jump before realizing its Alex.

"I think you look sexy." Alex whispers in my ear. I smirk and kiss his cheek.

"Make sure you let us know what's going on." Zack says.

"No duh." I laugh. He laughs and my mom walks in.

"Alright, Jack. Ready to go?" She asks.

"As ready as I'll ever be." I mutter. Alex kisses me and I smile.

"I love you Jacky."

"I love you Lexxy." I smile. He smiles and we leave.

"You look comfortable." She says, getting into the car. I do the same and lean my head back against the seat.

"Good." I say. I'm quiet for at least ten minutes before she speaks up.

"Jack, this isn't as bad as it seems okay?"

"I don't care. I don't want to be here." I mutter.

"I know you don't, but I need to make sure you're okay." She says. I sigh and look out the window.

"Jacky, trust me here. I want you to be able to live out what you've worked for your whole life. I would to see you get sick and not be able to do anything. The whole part of the journey is the experience."

"I know. I know." I say. She nods and pulls into a parking lot I'm guessing is for the doctors office.

We walk in and sit in the waiting room. After five minutes someone calls us in. We follow the doctor into a small room and I sit in a chair next to my mom.

"Hello, Joyce." The nurse says cheerfully. She then looks at me and smiles. "You must be Jack."

"Yeah."

"I'm Danielle." She says. I nod and smile. She then starts asking my mom questions which I happily tune out. Then she turns to me and smiles. "So, Jack. You got sick...?"

"Two days ago."

"How exactly were you feeling?"

"Not good." I mutter. "Major stomach pains. Fever. Felt like I was going to die. I threw up a few times."

"So... Not stomach aches, but pain?"

"Yeah." I sigh.

I really would rather be with Alex seeing that movie that I don't want to see. That says a lot. If I don't want to see a movie that means I think it will be terrible.

"Okay." She says.

She runs some tests and then my mom and I sit in there alone while I lie on the Bed thingy.

"Jacky, you did well today."

"Blood work? Five times?! I feel so dizzy." I mutter. "Along with the x-rays and shit. I can't be that sick can I?" I ask, sitting up so my legs dangle over the edge. She sighs.

"I hope my Jacky is okay." She says standing up and hugging me.

I'm starting to get worried.

I stand up and start pacing. My phone buzzes and I see Alex's name pop up on the screen and smile.

--How's everything going?-Lex--

--Waiting for results-Jack--

I send it and sit next to my mom. She takes my hand and looks me in the eyes.

"If there is something wrong-"

"Don't say that... I want to be okay." I tell her.

"But-"

"Mom... Please don't say but. I'm going to be okay and that's a promise." I tell her confidently. She nods. My phone goes off and I smile again.

--Okay. I love you Jacky-Lex--

--Love you Lexxy-Jack--

Danielle walks in with a solemn face and sits down in front of us. And here's the bad news.

"There's no easy way to put it." She says. I look at my mom and see tears brimming her eyes. Stay strong Jack. "Um..."

She clears her throat making the suspense of the moment even more unbearable than it already is.

"Jack... You have Cancer." She tells me.

My mom loses it and buries her head in her hands. Meanwhile I stand up and run through the lobby.

I run outside and run down the street until I find somewhere where I can be alone. I lean against the wall and slide my back down it.

I'm numb.

I feel ridiculous just sitting here, my emotions locked up inside. I'm staring at the wall, hands on my head ready to pull my hair out. My head is shoved between my knees, no tears are coming. I want to cry and let it all out, but nothing is happening.

I'm numb.

After maybe five minutes I collect myself and walk to the car. I have... Cancer? I can barely fight off the flu. How will I fight off CANCER?!

I'll never get to live the rockstar life; Sign autographs, take pictures, perform live, be in interviews, connect with fans, go on tour, hang out with bands I looked up to, record records.

If I don't fight this off, I won't be able to do any of that.

I get to the car and see my mom sitting in there. I open the door and She looks at me.

"How are you okay?" She asks me.

"I'm not, mommy." I sigh, tears still not coming. "I don't know what to do... I... Want to live my new life! I want to perform! Mommy, performing and helping other people is all I want to do in life! I can't have that anymore!" I cry out, burying my head in my hands and crying. Finally.

"Let's get home and you can just relax while I call a hospital. You need to be treated for it." She says.

I nod and she drives home. We get home and see that the guys are home.

There's no way I'll be able to tell them... Not now... I'm not in the right head.

I get into the house and walk right past Alex. I run up the stairs to my room and slam my door. I curl up under my covers and start crying.

I never want to move again. Might as well kill me now.

This is one battle I won't win.

I want to be in here for weeks and weeks. I'll let the Cancer eat me alive. I don't care anymore.

I just don't.

Notes

Did anyone cry while reading this? I did...
he has Gastric Cancer by the way. Yes. I did a little research:)
You have permission to hate us now:P
-Jenna.
title credit: Scarred; Jamestown Story