Fear of Falling Apart

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Zack asked, raising an eyebrow at my slumped over demeanor.

We were sitting in the lounge of the recording studio on a nice leather couch. Rian was in the actual studio part with Keith, working on the drum part. I don’t really know where Alex is. I think he went to play pool or something with some of the crew in another room. He asked me to go with them, but I decided I really needed some space. I still feel really bad about what happened when we were having sex. I know he’s not upset, but I am. I ruined not only our first time as a couple, but also our first time in general.

“It’s nothing,” I sighed. I might be an open book, but talking about my sex life would be a little bit awkward.

“Jack,” Zack responded, “You can tell me. If it’s something with Alex maybe I can help.”

“What makes you think it has to do with Alex?” I asked; sidestepping the problem at hand like the pansy I truly am.

“Considering you’re in here looking like someone just shot your puppy in front of you and he’s in the other room doing who knows what with the crew. So yeah, I’m pretty sure it has to do with him,” he pointed out.

“I don’t have a puppy,” I said; still avoiding the question.

Zack rolled his eyes, “Fine, be that way. I’m just trying to help.”

“Dammit now you’re mad at me too!” I whined, sighing heavily.

He smirked, “That’s better,” That little fucker, “Now, why’s Alex mad at you?”

“He’s not,” I muttered, “But he probably should be. I'm mad at me..."

Zack raised and eyebrow, "Well it can't be that bad then... We both know that Alex over reacts and holds grudges, so I think you're fine bro."

I sighed, "Whatever you Zack. Just so you know, I'm not going to tell you because it's embarrassing and would probably make this friendship a lot more awkward then it ever needs to be."

"Ok, now you have to tell me," he said, obviously trying not to laugh, "Embarrassing my friends is what I live for."

"No, you don't understand," I informed him, "I have and will do many embarrassing things that you can forever ridicule me for. But this is not that; not to mention Alex might be pissed if he knows I told you."

"He wouldn't have to know," Zack said with a smirk, nudging my side with his elbow, "Come on Jack, tell uncle Zack your deepest secrets."

"That just sounds pedophile-ish,"

"Jack! Come on! I'll be your best friend!"

I was really starting to get annoyed at this point, "First of all you are my best friend! Secondly, trust me when I say this; you. Don't. Want. To. Know. If it didn't involve me, I wouldn't want to know," he snapped at Zack.

His eyes widened at my outburst and he put his hands up in surrender, "Geez man, sorry... But seriously, you and Alex'll be fine. I get you're embarrassed, but if Alex isn't mad, then it's nothing too important."

I shifted uncomfortably, this conversation really just needed to end, "I guess Zack... Do you know how much longer Rian's going to be? I think I'm after him..."

Zack shrugged, "I would've expected him to be done by now, but what do I know about this?"
I shrugged back, "I think I'm going to go wait in the other room. It can't take to much longer right?"

"Again, I have no idea," Zack said, "I might go join Alex and the others then."

And with that, we both walked away in opposite directions. I probably didn't have to snap at Zack earlier, but I'm just so ashamed and embarrassed. I just wish Alex was mad at me, then I'd have a reason for feeling so terrible about this.

It wasn't much longer before Rian came out coated in a layer of sweat, smiling profusely, "Oh my god you guys," he gushed, "It's such an amazing experience! It seems so much more real to me than before! Oh and Jack, you're next. Go blow their socks off!"

I smiled and gave the excited teen a thumbs up before going into the room Rian just came out of. I saw a crew member in the sound booth moving out the drum set. Sitting on a couch was another crew member that looked like he was tuning my guitar-which is pretty rad. Keith, Matt and another guy I didn't recognize were sitting at what I assumed to be the sound board with headphones around their necks.

The man I didn't know stood up to shake my hand whilst saying, "Hello, I'm Paul Leavitt, the producer that's working with the record company on your album. And you're Mr. Barakat correct?"

"Just Jack," I said with a smile, "It's nice to meet you."

"Ok Jack," he started, "Since you guys are only releasing a four song EP we're going to record everything today. Then in the next few weeks I'll be working with Keith and Matt on the compilation. During that period we might need a few parts to be re-recorded. Then if everything goes smoothly we'll have you guys back in for a final listen, then send you back to Baltimore with a release date in end of September/beginning of October. Sound good?"

Paul spoke incredibly fast and it kind of hurt my head, but nonetheless I nodded in agreement; thinking that I couldn't possibly be agreeing to anything too bad... I mean, Keith wouldn't let me do anything too stupid... Right?

I was then sent into the sound booth with a freshly tuned guitar. I was told the order of songs in which we were recorded. After that, I just went at it like I always do. Yeah I messed up a few times and had to do some stuff more than once, but that's just natural. And then before I knew it, I was back out with the guys; sending Zack in for his five seconds of fame.

Alex came over to the couch I was sitting on and leaned his head on my shoulder, "I told you not to worry about last night baby. It's ok, I'm not upset and you shouldn't be either. Sometimes people get sick, it's a part of being alive."

I sighed and played with his bangs, "I know Lex. But we couldn't even successfully finish our first time and it's all my fault..."

"I understand that," he mumbled, playing with the fingers on my free hand, "But think of it this way, you still have years to come to make up for it. I love you Jack, that's what really matters."

I smiled and pecked his forehead, "Yeah I guess, it's not like we're never going to have sex again..."

"I'd seriously die if that happened," he said, remaining straight faced, "Oh before I forget, your mom called while you were in there and said she made you a doctor's appointment tomorrow just to make sure you're ok..."

I rolled my eyes and chuckled, "She's such a worry-wort, I'm fine now, it was probably a 24 hour thing."

He shrugged, "I think it's sweet that she cares that much..."

"I guess," I shrugged back, "Have I ever told you how much I love you?" I changed the subject quickly, knowing that the whole 'mother' thing is still a sore subject with him.

He laughed and shook his head, "It might came up once or twice. Remind me anyways?"

"I love you a lot, obviously."

"Well, I love you more!"

Notes

Title Cred: Relient K- Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

I have nothing to say about this chapter. Wow I had some bad writers block. And I'm sorry this all that came of it... I can guarantee you the next chapter will be more exciting and I'm not even the one writing it... ._.

<3 Mary