"Alex stop!” I shrieked at the top of my lungs as he picked me up and threw me onto the bed. His hands tickled my stomach and legs, making it hard for me to breathe.

“I love you,” he whispered as he leaned down to gently kiss my lips. I laced my fingers through his hair, feeling the softness of his scalp beneath my fingertips.

When he broke away, I searched his dark brown eyes, a smile playing on my lips. I never wanted to leave his side. I wanted to be with him until the day I died – whenever that would be. My heart ached at that thought, since we both knew very well that could be sooner than later. My patience with life was wearing thin.

“Please don’t ever leave me,” I said softly, shutting my eyes and feeling his breath fan across my face.

I wanted so badly freeze that moment in time. The feeling of the soft, early spring wind drifting through my open window, the feeling of his warm skin against mine and the endless possibilities before us. I never wanted it to end. I never wanted to face reality or the truth - Alex did a more than perfect job of providing those for me.

“Why would I do that?” he whispered against my cheek, kissing my earlobe.

I shut my eyes tightly, fighting the tears that threatened to fall. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have expected to come back and find everything normal and happy? The look of pure shock and sadness on Alex’s face was enough to send me to my grave. I should have been shot for what I did to the both of us. I shouldn’t have even considered coming.

I drove my car back to the hotel where I burst through the door and threw myself onto the bed. The tears flowed freely and stained the pillowcase black from makeup-rich wetness. This was all so pointless. No one could give two fucks whether I came back or not. And why should they? I was the one who left them - left them without a single goodbye.

I was the one who left Alex, not the other way around. The truth hit me hard, causing an eruption of sobs to bubble up from deep within my chest. Alex had to cut me loose… He had to be the grown up in the situation, and I was stupid enough to run away from him. I was stupid enough to make myself believe he never wanted me in the first place, when I was the only problem.

I dug my face in my pillow and shook my head vigorously, ordering myself to stop. I couldn’t let myself open wounds that had long healed, or at least, I couldn’t let myself rip the band aid off of those wounds that were still there. I needed to keep myself composed.

I got up off the bed and fixed my makeup at the large mirror in the corner of the room. I smiled at myself, fooling even the reflection into thinking I was happy.

“You are happy,” I said to the smiling face.

I had to be. I had worked too damn hard to have it all come crashing down because of one person. I conquered more than I had ever dreamed, and I wasn’t going to allow some stupid thing from the past to ruin what I had now.

I got out my cell phone and dialed the first number in my call log, a number I had called moments before arriving at Rian’s – a call that momentarily reassured me, but clearly deceived me.

“Hello?” Kara answered on the other line.

“I’m coming over,” I said gruffly, grabbing my purse off of the table.

“What happened?” she asked hesitantly.

“I’ll tell you when I get there,” I replied before ending the call.

Moments later I arrived at her doorstep, checking one final time for any trace of sadness left on my face in the reflection from my phone screen. Kara opened the door and cautiously led me inside and up to her room.

“What on earth happened?” she asked as soon as she shut the door. She sat next to me on the bed stroking my hair. That simple gesture made my chest even heavier, but I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. I was stronger than that.

“It was a total mistake to visit Rian. I wish you were there with me,” I said, looking down at my hands - my sad, scarred hands.

“I wish I could’ve. I would’ve gotten off of work earlier if I had known ahead of time! What happened, though?”

“He was there,” I replied. “He came right through the fucking door. I saw him, I talked to him, I hugged him. All huge, gigantic mistakes.” I couldn’t stop the tears from forming. This trip proved that my strength was not as solid as I thought it was, since I cried more in the last two hours than in the last three months put together.

“I’m so sorry…” she whispered, rubbing my back. “I didn’t know that he would be there… Rian told me that he was going to be out all morning, so I thought it would be the perfect time to-“

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me he lives there, Kara?! I wouldn’t have gone if I knew that!”

Kara was taken aback by my sudden outburst and dropped her soothing hand to the bed. I instantly regretted yelling. I was going against everything I had established within the past two years, all in one day.

“I’m sorry…” I muttered. “I just… I don’t know how to deal with all of this. I’ve missed you all so fucking much and it’s hard to take it all in – it’s hard to come back here. All these memories that I thought I had forgotten are creeping back into my mind and I hate it. I fucking hate it. It makes me hate myself so much, and that can’t keep happening.”

“You’re right,” Kara replied. “You’re right – it can’t. But you also can’t keep running from your past. This was your home, you know. Regardless of what happened here, you’d have to face this all eventually.”

Kara was right. The more I hid from all I used to know, the more I was only fooling myself. How could I call myself recovered when I couldn’t even bear to think of times with the friends or family I once called home? I just couldn’t face Alex. I couldn’t face the memories I had with him, our story, his life and warmth.

“Kara, he invited me to that party they’re throwing on Saturday,” I said after a few moments of silence. “And I think I’m going to go.” Kara looked wary, a protest on her lips.

“I know, I know, I probably shouldn’t,” I said quickly, “but I think it’ll be nice to see everyone again… I’ll try and avoid Alex as much as possible and just try and enjoy myself, you know? Just because Alex is there does not mean I can’t have fun.”


“Macy, I-” Kara began, that same, indecisive look in her eyes – like a mother debating whether or not to confess to her child that Santa doesn’t exist.

She sighed and continued, “-just don’t think it’s a good idea.”

I sensed she was hiding something from me, but I chose to ignore it. I had already made the decision to go to the party, and that was that. Plus, I did genuinely think it would help a bit. It had been years since I attended a party of any kind, and I did believe I was strong enough to go.

“Just… Make sure you help me,” I said uneasily, gripping her hand lightly. “I don’t want to slip up.”

Kara nodded solemnly and sighed, “Mace, I think there’s something you should know…”

I looked warily into her dark brown eyes and replied, “What? I already know that this could be a mistake.”

She shook her head and said, “No… That’s not it. Alex is… He’s dating Lisa Ruocco.”

Dating Lisa Ruocco? How could that be? He had always thought she was annoying in high school! How could he all of a sudden turn around and date her?

“How long?” I whispered, staring straight ahead. I couldn’t tell if my heart was even still beating.

“Almost four years,” Kara replied, looking down at the bed. “I know that’s not what you want to hear right now, but I didn’t want to fool you and then see you hurt.”

Four years. He had broken up with me four years ago, I left four years ago… Four years ago is a long fucking time. He had to have gotten together with her almost directly after I left, and the fact that they had been together ever since made me want to vomit instantly. Maybe he did break up with me because he didn’t love me… My suspicions had been true all along.

“Kara… How could he do that?”

“He was hurting, Mace… He needed someone,” she sighed, stroking my hair. I pushed her hand away and got off the bed.

“Macy, come back! Talk about it with me, don’t just leave!” Kara called from her bedroom. I was already descending the steps and heading for the front door.

This was a mistake. This all was a huge mistake and I was mentally strangling myself for even coming this far. I had ventured into a land where I didn’t belong anymore – a land that could only hurt me. There was no way I was going to that party just to see the two stupid love birds dance together and get drunk. No fucking way.