Walls

I woke up in the morning cuddling with what I thought was Ryan but it was actually her pillow, I sat up and looked around the room; it was empty. Maybe she was getting the dog to bring home, I got up and pulled on a clean pair of boxers and walked to the kitchen to get something out of the fridge. I pulled the milk out and took a drink right out of the carton, I put it back and walked into the bathroom and as I was washing my hands I noticed a scratch on my shoulder. I turned my back to the mirror and looked over my shoulder, it was covered in thick red scratches. Oh Ryan and her nails, I walked back out to the bedroom and that’s when I saw her phone lighting up on the bedside table. I walked over and there was a note, I picked it up and read it, then read it again, and then again to make sure I read it right. I dropped it on the floor and went through what she had left with the note, her phone, and all of her credit cards. I ran my shaking fingers through my knotted hair and grabbed my phone and called Jack.
“What the hell man its early?” He answered
“Jack... I... I need you.” I said my voice cracking
“I’m on my way.” He said
He hung up and I pulled a pair of sweat pants on, a few minutes later he was letting himself into the apartment. He walked into the bedroom and saw me sitting with my knees to my chest.
“Alex?” He asked
I looked over at him and the tears fell from my eyes, I couldn’t hold them in any longer
“Talk to me Alex.” He said
I pointed to the note on the floor and he walked over and picked it up. He read it and looked up at me.
“No, Ryan wouldn’t do this for no reason.” He said
I just looked at him
“What happened?” He asked
“Well last night.” I said
“We got home last night.” He said
I turned so he could see my back
“So you two had sex last night for the first time.” He said
“Well yes, she said she was ready. I didn’t push her into anything.” I said
“Okay, tell me what happened then.” He said
“Well as we were going to sleep and I may had told her that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.” I said cringing at the thought that it was my fault she left
“Alex.” Jack said
“I thought she was asleep, it slipped.” I said
“Hey, hey, hey.” He said sitting on the bed with me
“Jack she’s a huge part of my life and now she’s gone.” I said
He pulled me to him in a hug and I cried into my best friend’s chest
“It’s going to be okay Alex. She loves you, she might just need time to think.” He said
I nodded and looked him in the eye,
“Do you want to go and get the dog, get some coffee, and come to my house?” He asked
“Dog and coffee.” I said
“Get a shirt.” He said
I fisted at my eyes and got off of the bed and to the closet, I pulled a hoodie on not giving a fuck about how I look. Jack wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we walked out of the apartment. We got into his car and we drove to Mackenzie and her husband’s house, I watched out the window the entire time.
“You going to be okay?” Jack asked
“Would you?” I asked
“No.” He said
“Then why ask?” I asked
“Look Alex I don’t need your attitude, I know this hurts but you can’t be a dick to the ones who are trying to help.” He said not taking his eyes off of the road
“Sorry.” I said
He hummed and we pulled into their driveway, I got out and walked up to the house and knocked. Jack opened it
“Morning Alex, morning Jack.” He said letting us in
We walked in and a semi-pregnant Mackenzie walked up and hugged me
“I’m here for Baltimore.” I said
“He’s outside right now.” She said
I nodded,
“Is Ryan okay? She hasn’t been answering me.” She asked
“Ryan left.” Jack said
“Left?” Mackenzie asked
“She left, she left her credit cards and cell phone with a note saying she was sorry.” I said
Mackenzie looked at me and instantly threw her arms around me
“Alex I’m so sorry.” She said
“I woke up without her Kenz.” I said
“Shhh shh. I can promise you something.” She said
I looked at her
“She loves you and she’ll come back.” She said
I nodded and she gave me a weak smile.
After that morning everything was just a blur, skipped shows and interviews, drinking myself sick, picking up a razor and wanting to create thin red lines on my wrists. But I didn't, I didn't want to get into the habit again. I needed to be healthy for her when she comes home. But today will be different there is a show tonight and I'm not going to cancel it; it's not fair to the guys. I sobered up for a day and I was ready to go. I got dressed and walked out to my car; I knew the guys were at sound check, they've been there every time just waiting on me to call and cancel. I drove to the stage and walked up to my friends
“Heeeeyyy.” Jack greeted me
“Hey guys, you ready for the show tonight?” I asked putting on a fake smile
They all nodded and came up to give me a hug.
Sound check was torture, I couldn't even get the notes on my guitar for the songs I wrote.
"This is the fourth time I've fucked up Walls." I said flipping out
"Alex just take a breather. We know you’re stressed out." Jack said
"We have a concert tonight Jack, it's been it's been five months since she fucking left and I'm still hung up on her. I can't calm down, I can't get over it. I can't even sing the right lyrics." I said
"We'll cancel again." Rian said
"No, no." I said "We've canceled too many already." I added
"Hey, hey, hey." I heard
I looked over and Mackenzie was walking over
"You good?" She asked
"I keep fucking up." I said
She sat down on the random coffee table back stage.
"Look me in the eye." She said
I looked at her and she gave me a warm smile.
"Play what you don't need to think about, play something you've played a lot, you have to play one you haven't played in a while." She said
"I shouldn't be fucking up Walls Kenz." I said
"I know, it's a tough song for you to play; it was the first you played for her." She said
"I know, I have to get it right. I have too." I said
"You can do it Alex." Jack said touching my shoulder.
I got up and started practicing again, finally I got it right and I sat down.
"Okay, we go on in five it's too late to back out. Can you do it?" Jack asked
"I think I can." I said
He pulled me up and gave me a hug.
"She'll come back." He whispered
I nodded and we went to the side stage.
"You good?" Zach asked
I just nodded and walked out onto stage. I haven't been in front of a crowd in forever. I stepped up to the mic.
"Hey guys. So, I'm really sorry for being MIA for a while, canceling shows and not being in interviews with the guys. You guys are always important to me, but I couldn't drag myself out of bed. You guys have probably read the rumors of Ryan and me but no one has ever released the truth. I'm here to do that, she did leave but I understand why and that's really personal to her. I'm going to start off this concert with Walls and then Jasey Rae." I said
I took a deep breath and started singing. I did fantastic on Walls but I fucked up Jasey; letting the fans take control of singing as I gathered my thoughts.
The concert went on and we were towards the end but not quite there when I spotted her. A girl in the back of the crowd, she looked like Ryan with longer hair. I shook the thought though because I knew she wasn't in California.
"So, I've never sung this song on stage before tonight. I have the special guest Juliet Simms here to help me, but I'm going to share something first." I said
I looked out into the crowd, they settled and Juliet stood on the side stage waiting.
"I'm going to tell you something about Ryan. As you guys know she was a really private person but she does these things that I don't even think she knows she's doing. All of you who have someone in that way understand why this one detail is important to me, and those of you who don't will one day." I said
The crowd was silent and nodding
"When I fall asleep with a shirt on which I try to do more often for her. But I'll just feel her tiny little fists grab my shirt. It wakes me up. She balls my shirt up in her fists and pulls on it and pulls herself close. I know she's not having a good dream by her facial expressions so I wrap my arms around her to keep her safe. It's important to me that she does that because it means she knows I'm always there." I said
I looked out into the crowd and girls were wiping tears from their eyes, I decided to do the same. The look-a-like was doing it as well.
"Anyways here's the song." I said
Juliet came out and we played Remembering Sunday.
After the song was over I looked up and the look-a-like was leaving; not walking but running. I held my gaze on the door she ran out.
"Alex." Jack said
I heard him but I didn't register, I kept watching. I'd seen her before.
-I was walking Baltimore in the park a month or two after she left and I was just looking around at all the different animals when he pulled and the leash came out of my hands. It snapped me back to reality and I sprinted after him as he ran over to a girl sitting on a bench reading. She looked up and snapped her head back down. "Go." She said to Baltimore patting his head. He whined and came back to me. As I walked over to her she kept her head down low and got up and started to walk away. I ran after her but stopped, she turned to see if I'd stopped when I saw her face.-
"Alexander?!" Jack yelled
I looked over at him.
"You okay?" He asked
I nodded
"Sorry guys." I croaked tears rimming my eyes.
The guys started playing the intro to I feel like dancin'.
"I want you guys to dance!" I yelled into the mic
I started to sing jumping around with Jack. He was giving me looks asking if I was alright. I gave him my 'not really' look and continued to jump around. When the song ended I said my thank you's and good byes to the crowd and ran off stage.
"Dude you good?" Jack asked placing his hand on my back
"I saw her." I said
"Who?" He asked
"The girl from the park." I said
I tell Jack everything, he knows what I said to her the night she left, he knows how I'm feeling all of the time, he knows about the park girl, everything.
"Here at the concert?" He asked
"She ran out after Remembering Sunday." I said
He pulled me into a hug and squeezed me for support.
"Go home, get sleep. I'll see you tomorrow." He said
I nodded and left the building, I got into my car and sped home just to get off the road. I parked and stood in the elevator, the ride was slow and painful. When it stopped I walked down the corridor and right past Ryan's old apartment; I stopped for a minute and looked at her door. I walked past it and knocked on Kellin and Vic's door.
"Hey man." Kellin said opening it
"Hey Kells." I said
"You okay man?" He asked
"Have you seen her?" I asked
"No, definitely not there. Some old couple lives there." He said
I nodded.
"I know it's hard Alex. But she loved you a lot. I know that, so when she's ready man. She'll be home." He said
I nodded and pointed down to my apartment. He nodded and closed his door as I walked away. I walked down the hall and my apartment door was ajar. I pushed it open with my foot and looked around to see if anyone was in the kitchen or living room, when I didn't see anyone I walked in closing the door. I waiting for Baltimore to come out of my room to come to me but he must have been asleep. I walked into my room and he was asleep with a figure laying in my bed, I walked over and looked at the face of the mystery figure. It was Ryan, it had to be. Baltimore doesn't lay in bed with just anyone. A huge wave of emotion swept over me, I wanted to cry, I wanted to dance, I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell at her, I wanted to wake her, I wanted to hug and kiss her. I didn't know what to do so I walked out into the living room and called Jack.
"Hey." He answered
"She's." I said
"Who's?" He asked
"Ryan." I said
"What about her?" He asked
"She's asleep." I said
"Oh?" He questioned
"In my bed." I said
"She's home?" He asked
"I think. I want to lay with her but I don't know what to do. How do I react?" I said
"Then lay with her dummy." He said
"Oh okay, I'll call you later." I said
He hung up and I dropped my phone and walked back to the bedroom. I slipped in behind her and hugged her to me.
"I'm so sorry for what I said." I whispered on her ear.

Notes

Sorry this chapter is so short,

feedback?