I remember you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.
Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come to me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?
-Pablo Neruda, “Clenched Soul”

The traffic lights looked blurry around the edges like Alex had astigmatism. He felt like he was running on autopilot, essentially disassociating the entire drive. Still dressed in his hangover clothes, a hoodie, and straight-legged joggers, he felt self-conscious. It was good to worry about his appearance, though, because otherwise, he was going to worry about what he was about to do and how it could change his entire life as he knew it. His friendship with Jack had always been like walking on a tightrope. Everything was fine if he stuck to the routine that he had practiced for over a decade, so he never even considered straying from that. One tiny, false move could result in him plummeting to his death. And Alex was much happier being hundreds of feet in the air because years of practice kept him alive; whereas plummeting to the ground left him uncertain and more than likely meeting his demise.

Jack’s apartment wasn’t too far. Part of the reason that Alex had chosen to rent the little house he’d been staying at was due to its proximity to Jack. He needed to be close to him, but not too close, not close enough for anyone (besides Zack, apparently) to get suspicious. Not close enough for Alex to run into Jack and Cailtin. Seeing her hang off of Jack’s arm and run her fingers through his hair and steal kisses from him made Alex want to vomit, much like he’d vomited on the night of the bachelor party. Alex tried to look away as much as possible when these things happened. He couldn’t let Jack get suspicious.

Alex sat in the parking lot of Jack’s building for thirty minutes before he finally worked up the nerve to go inside. He tried hard to not think of all the possible scenarios in which his life completely imploded around him. The most likely situation included Jack taking pity on him, telling him that everything was okay, but that he didn’t feel the same way. That would hurt, of course, but the pity. Alex didn’t think that he could handle Jack pitying him. He didn’t want his best friend feeling sorry for him; he couldn’t imagine a circumstance more humiliating. Well, besides the second one that he considered, which was Jack being disgusted and kicking Alex out of the band. Alex doubted that Rian, nor Zack especially, would let that happen, but Jack looking at him with revulsion wasn’t something that Alex believed he could take. Maybe he could take that better than Jack being angry at him for waiting until days before the wedding and punching him. Alex also doubted that Jack would ever violently put his hands on him, but he also really had no clue as to how he would react. He didn’t dare allow himself to even hope that Jack might feel the same way.

You’ve never once discussed this with him. Zack’s words rang in his ears, again and again. You have no way of knowing how he’d feel.That was what scared Alex so badly.

Once he was outside of Jack’s door, he took a giant breath. He felt like his chest was about to cave in, like an anvil had been dropped directly on his ribcage, like on the cartoons he’d seen as a child. His hands were numb but shaking, his fingers trembling as they reached the doorbell. Alex’s heart hammered with every footstep he heard from the inside of Jack’s apartment.

Then, he panicked. What the fuck was he thinking? What the fuck was he doing? What if Caitlin was here? What if she wasn’t and then arrived home during a penultimate moment? What if she wasn’t home and didn’t come home, but Jack hit him or threw him out? What if? What if? What if? His throat was filling with bile again and his chest felt like a busted punching bag. And what the fuck? Were those tears in his eyes? Now was so not the time to fucking cry.
It didn’t matter, though. Just when Alex’s feet thawed from the metaphorical frozen welcome mat, Jack was swinging the door open with a big, dopey grin. His eyes were a little red and glassy, but that wasn’t a surprise. Alex figured that Jack was hungover, too and by the looks of it, he was. Jack’s hair was a bit more disheveled than usual, the coif that he fashioned with a hairdryer and a special hairspray straight from the salon flattened. He was dressed similarly to Alex, too, black joggers and a black muscle tank. Truthfully, Jack had dressed much more thoughtfully than Alex. This was May in LA and it was a humid seventy-seven degree. But Alex barely registered the heat.

“Sup, man?” Jack asked, his brow twitching a bit. Jack probably just hadn’t been expecting him, but Alex couldn’t help his brain lighting up with regret. He clearly doesn’t want me here. Caitlin is probably here, too. I probably interrupted something.

“Hey,” Alex said softly, forcing the corners of his lips to worm into something resembling a smile. “Is this a bad time? I can go…,” he began to trail off, his feet shifting his weight anxiously from one to another.

Jack frowned then, shaking his head. “No, no! Come in, dude. You know you’re always welcome. I wasn’t doing anything, just watching The Goonies.” He opened the door a bit more and tilted his head toward him, gesturing for Alex to follow.

Alex quietly swallowed hard, jamming his hands into his pockets and stepping into Jack’s living room. He felt awkward like he was in some stranger’s apartment that he had never been to. But this was Jack’s apartment, of all people. He should have felt as comfortable here as he did at his own home.

“I forgot how much Zack looks like that dude in the bandana,” Jack said as he flopped onto his sofa. He looked up at Alex expectantly, so Alex sat down beside him, holding his breath.
“Yeah,” Alex said in agreement with a forced chuckle. Immediately, he knew that was a mistake.
Jack looked back at him, cocking his head in confusion and frowning. “Hey, is everything okay?”

Alex wanted to say more and he opened his mouth, but he promptly closed it and shook his head. “Nah, I’m fine. I’m just hungover.” He chuckled again, but this time, it was genuine.

Jack laughed and nodded, holding up a can of White Claw that looked to be almost empty. “Feel that, bro. You want a claw? Hair of the dog, or whatever.”

Alex nodded eagerly, probably too eagerly, but that was neither here nor there. “Lemon or lime, if you’ve got it.” In reality, Jack probably had both.

“That’s my boy,” Jack said with a grin, jumping to his feet to get to his liquor fridge. Alex’s heart jumped, but he did his best to ignore it. This was a common occurrence for him. His brain knew all too well that what his heart heard was not reality.

Jack pulled out a couple of citrus-flavored cans and then handed one to Alex. He quickly downed the rest of his first claw and then cracked open his second. Alex followed after and took a long sip. Alcohol was good. Alcohol could help.

“You home alone?” Alex asked finally, staring at the white can in his hand. It was icy, a good distraction for him.

“Yeah,” Jack said with a chuckle. “Caitlin’s in Miami for her bachelorette. You knew that, man.”
Alex’s cheeks reddened. Of course, he did. Maybe he just thought of Caitlin so little regarding her being an actual person and not the person he wished he was that he didn’t keep up with her. “Oh, right,” Alex said softly. “Yeah, I did know that. Guess I just forgot. When…uh, when does she get back?”

“Tuesday,” Jack replied, eyes shifting from the television to Alex. He frowned again, his eyes scanning him up and down. “You sure everything’s okay? I never asked if there was a reason you came over. Which, if you came over just to hang, that’s fine, but it doesn’t seem like that’s what it is.”

Alex’s first instinct was to get angry. The pit in his stomach was growing so large that it felt like it had reached his throat and he had to release that energy somehow. Blowing up at Jack seemed to be the best and fastest way to do it, but Alex immediately stopped himself by taking a huge breath. None of this was Jack’s fault. But was it Alex’s? Could he have really stopped himself from falling in love with Jack? For as long as Alex could remember, loving Jack had been as easy as breathing; it was something that he did without having to think about it first. Alex guessed that this was actually no one’s fault, save for maybe some unknown, omniscient being that he didn’t necessarily believe in. And since he didn’t necessarily believe in it, it was highly unlikely.

“No,” Alex said finally, with a deep sigh. “I mean, fuck. No, I didn’t just come to hang out.” He
dragged a hand over his face, a poor attempt to wipe the slate clean, to take back all the dumb shit he had already said. He’d known that this would be difficult, but he was already making a fool of himself. “Listen, I have something to tell you and I just don’t know…I don’t know where to start to even how to start.” He swallowed hard, panic rising in his throat, choking him.

Jack’s expression didn’t change and Alex didn’t know if it was a good thing. He just looked at Alex curiously, concerned. “Why don’t you just tell me then?” He asked finally. “Rip off the metaphorical band-aid, you know?”

That comparison nearly made Alex laugh out loud. Jack didn’t know that that band-aid was what was holding in every drop of blood in his body. He choked down that laugh, though, and blinked a few times, trying to ground himself. “Jesus…okay,” he whispered with a sigh, heart thrumming in his chest, so hard that it felt like a bass drum vibrating all the way down to his feet. “Okay,” he repeated. “Let me preface this by saying that I’m sorry in advance, okay?” Alex cursed himself immediately after speaking. He just kept repeating himself and sounding stupid, cowardly prolonging the inevitable.

Jack frowned but didn’t interrupt Alex, crossing his arms over his chest.

With pursed lips, Alex let his eyes drift to the floor. “I don’t expect anything from you by saying
this. I just want to make sure that you know that. But someone talked to me about it and convinced me that I need to tell you about it before…before you get married.” He swallowed hard and still didn’t meet Jack’s eyes. His stomach was already doing gymnastics and he was having a hard time keeping his Gatorade and toast down. He knew that looking Jack in the eye before he told Jack the truth would make him never spit it out. However, Alex realized that he was stalling again and he was going to continue to do so.

“I love you, Jack,” Alex finally whispered, still staring at the floor. “I’m in love with you, and I have been since fucking ever, but I haven’t ever said anything.” Alex waited for a beat, his ears ringing, but that was all. It didn’t feel real, that he had managed to just let everything pour out of him like a dam breaking when he had spent the last ten or so years building that dam with concrete and metal rebar. He didn’t have time to panic about it or even contemplate anything because this was happening now and he still had to see what Jack was feeling.
Alex was afraid of having a panic attack, but he dug down deep for a breath, the potential Jack
reactions that he’d try to prepare for flashing through his mind. Would he be angry or disgusted? Was Alex about to lose his best friend, his favorite person in the world? He didn’t know, but he was about to because he lifted the barbells hanging from his eyelids. He expected the worst and yet-

The only thing that Alex really saw was concern. Jack’s dark eyes were large and soft, but not in a way that made Alex believe that he pitied him. He just looked like he was considerate of how Alex was feeling. Jack wasn’t always the most selfless person in the world, but he had always been there for him. Alex wasn’t sure why he had thought that this situation would go any differently.

Jack cleared his throat and nodded. “Well, thank you for telling me. Are you okay?”

That wasn’t what Alex expected Jack to reply with, but at least he wasn’t angry with him.
“Yeah,” he said softly. “Just…don’t know what else to say. I don’t expect anything from you as I said. I just…needed to get it off of my chest. I know that you’re in love with Caitlin,” he said, trying not to sound bitter, but it did taste that way when it came out. “I know that you’re marrying her. Soon. But I still needed to tell you for me.” He paused, looking away again, swallowing. “So I c-can move on.” Alex’s voice was breaking and he nearly choked on a sob with that last word. Great. This was exactly what he had wanted to avoid. He couldn’t take Jack pitying him, so he didn’t look up.

“Hey,” Jack said after a moment, gently putting a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m not mad or anything. You can’t help how you feel.”

While that did make Alex feel somewhat better that Jack didn’t hate him, the boulder on his chest was still sitting proudly and crushing him. “Yeah,” he said dumbly in agreement. Jack wasn’t wrong, but he still felt like he’d bared his soul for nothing. Maybe he wouldn’t feel that way in the future, but so far, he wasn’t sure what point Zack had been trying to prove.
Maybe…he needed to be more honest? Could he do that? So far, he’d only really scratched the surface of how he felt for Jack. Sure, he had told him that he was in love with him, but that wasn’t all.

“No, I guess I can’t help how I feel,” Alex said with a sigh, but then he looked back up at Jack and made a decision. This was his only opportunity to get everything off of his chest and he had to take it. Otherwise, he was going to regret it.

“But I don’t if I can articulate how much I feel for you,” he whispered softly, forcing himself to keep looking at Jack. His best friend kind of raised his eyebrows, but it was more in surprise than anything else. He didn’t try to stop Alex, either. “You’re everything to me, Jack. You’ve been my best friend for so long and you’ve always been there for me in a way that no one else has ever been. We’ve been through so much together. I mean, you befriended me at Dulaney when no one else would, you convinced me to start a band with you and never let me lose sight of what we were after.” Alex blinked finally, realizing that he’d been holding his breath throughout that entire spiel. He could feel himself welling up, but he didn’t dare give in to the feeling. He couldn’t cry, couldn’t make Jack feel any more guilty than he probably already was.

“I love everything about you,” Alex went on. “You light up every single room when you come in. You make everyone else happy and that’s what you want to do. No one can make everyone laugh the way that you do. No matter how down I might be, you can always cheer me up and make me feel cared for.” He swallowed hard, deciding that he didn’t need to go into how his body reacted when he was around Jack. He was probably already a bit uncomfortable, so Alex would keep how his heart skipped a beat when Jack entered the room, how his legs turned to jelly when Jack smiled at him, and the jolts of electricity that traveled through his skin when Jack touched him to himself. Alex decided also to not tell Jack about how he so often cried alone at night, miserable and brokenhearted and praying that Jack would love him someday. That seemed uncouth, at the very least.

Jack was quiet for a moment and Alex could nearly see the gears turning in his head. If he had to put himself in Jack’s shoes, he’d want to make him feel as comfortable as possible. But he wasn’t in Jack’s shoes and he really had no way of actually knowing how he felt and would react. Still, Jack smiled. It was a small, tentative smile, but still, one that made Alex’s heart leap. “No one’s ever said such nice things to me before,” he said sheepishly, digging his hands into his pockets.

Alex wondered if Jack was lying. The man was engaged to be married, for crying out loud. How could it be that his best friend had said kinder words to him than his fiancé? But then again, Alex could not recall a time that Jack had ever lied to him. Jack had been all about being honest, even when it wasn’t easy. Still, it was hard to believe that someone could be in a relationship with Jack and not experience the same wonder that Alex did when he was with Jack.

“You’re something else, Alex Gaskarth,” Jack said with a shake of his head, and Alex nearly panicked. Was this about to get worse for him? But Jack stepped closer to him, wrapping his arms around him in a hug. It was a huge bear hug and Jack held him tightly, arms cloaked around Alex’s waist. Impulsively, Alex looped his arms under Jack’s arms and rested his head on his friend’s shoulder. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, memorizing the notes in Jack’s scent. The spicy, musky smell that Alex recognized as Jack’s cologne was there, as well as a masculine undertone, a clean aroma from detergent, with a hint of citrus from the white claw. Alex did not know how to respond to Jack, so he just didn’t, choosing to just breathe Jack in as deeply as he could. His heart was pounding erratically against Jack’s, but he felt calm, much calmer than he had been all day. Jack felt at home.

“Hey,” Jack said after a few moments, pulling away just a little, looking down at Alex softly.
Alex’s eyes fluttered open and he blushed pink, unable to keep from returning the smile. He didn’t know where this would go and he wasn’t thinking about the fact that Jack was set to get married in a few days. Right now, it was just about the two of them. Alex had just told Jack his deepest secret, the one that he’d be holding so close to his chest for years was finally out in the open. He was the most vulnerable he had ever been with Jack and it was like his best friend knew that he needed his support right now. Alex hadn’t expected anything from Jack, that was true. But he had certainly wanted Jack to accept him and stay his friend. “Hey,” he said back, fingers trembling against Jack’s back.

“Do you remember that show in Anaheim a few years ago, when we got so fucked up in my hotel room? And everyone else had gone to bed but us?” Jack asked, eyes shifting from Alex’s to dart around the room. That filled Alex’s heart with dread. Jack had had no problem looking him in the eyes just a few moments ago. What had changed? Had Jack reexamined the situation and decided that Alex was a freak? If so, what did that mean for them? What about the band?

“N-no,” Alex stammered, swallowing hard. “I mean, I remember that that happened, but…not a lot of details,” he said with a nervous laugh. Why was this important? Alex had blacked out and woken up lying across the other queen bed in Jack’s hotel room fully clothed. He hadn’t ever thought about it, but maybe he’d said something that he shouldn’t have. Maybe Jack had already known about Alex’s feelings. After all, he’d taken it considerably well. So Alex thought, at least.

Jack nodded, cracking a smile, but his eyes still didn’t meet Alex’s. “I remember,” he said softly.

“Did I say something I shouldn’t have?” Alex asked, probably too quickly. Too anxiously.

Jack laughed and shook his head. “God, no. You didn’t do anything but sing ‘Purple Rain’ to me about a million times. But…,” he trailed off, sighing. He still did not move his arms from around Alex’s waist. In fact, he tightened them as his voice faded. “That night, I just…things were different. I don’t know how, but they were. You were different. I was different.”

But how? Alex wanted to know, but his tongue felt like sandpaper and he couldn’t get the words out. Why did Jack remember “Purple Rain” so specifically? Why had Alex chosen that song to serenade his friend to? It had been while they were touring for Last Young Renegade and Alex had reached for a lot of Prince and David Bowie, leaning into the fact that he was queer more than ever. Had Jack figured him out?

“I was?” Alex finally croaked, wanting desperately for Jack to look at him again. Surely he wasn’t disgusted or anything; if he was, then why was he hugging Alex so tightly?

Jack sighed, gripping the bottom of Alex’s hoodie like his life depended on it. He was stretching the fabric and Alex wondered if the jacket would still be wearable after this exchange. “Maybe you weren’t. Maybe it was just me, but I wanted more from you that night than what I got. And I never forgot that feeling. I just…I ignored it. It’s not a bad memory because I love spending time with you, but…,” he trailed off again, his lips meeting in a thin line.

Alex wanted to kiss them back to normal, but there was no time for that. What did Jack mean by more? What feeling was he avoiding? He couldn’t get his hopes up, but surely this couldn’t mean friendship. Friendship didn’t plague a person, but Alex knew too well that romantic feelings…well, nearly his entire life was proof of how much they could wreck a person. It was like being on a tiny island caught in a tsunami. He had no chance of survival. But if a boat was around to take him away from the tsunami, then that was a different story. So Alex said nothing, waiting and willing himself to not get his hopes up. The boat had to come at its own volition.

There were several beats of silence with Jack still looking away and Alex held his breath. But then Jack’s eyes were meeting his again and he finally felt air return to his lungs. There was a flash of…something in Jack’s eyes and then, “Goddamn it,” Jack muttered, clearly
exasperatedly, but also not angry. Alex’s mouth stayed clamped shut, but he didn’t dare blink, couldn’t tear his eyes away from Jack’s. And suddenly, the boat came to shore faster than Alex could have ever anticipated. A sailor jumped into the sand with a life preserver as soon as a murderous tidal wave came into Alex’s vision. He was safe.

Yet, Alex kept his eyes closed until Jack’s lips anchored to his.

Notes

Omg hiiii! It's been far too long, I know. But I wanted this chapter to be perfect and psyched myself out badly during the process. I'm sick of looking at it, so here we go lmao. Thank you to everyone that's been on my ass about updating bc y'all are the reason I managed to get this finished, AND why I'm excited to get cracking on the next chapter.