as soon as I glance at you a moment, I
can’t say a thing,
and my tongue stiffens into silence, thin
flames underneath my skin prickle and spark,
a rush of blood booms in my ears, and then
my eyes go dark,
and sweat pours coldly over me, and all
my body shakes, suddenly sallower
than summer grass, and death, I fear and feel,
is very near.
- Sappho, “Sappho 31”

Alex had never kissed someone as intensely as he had kissed Jack that night. When Jack’s lips touched his, the wall that Alex had constructed years ago was demolished. He was wild, finally feeling free, like his authentic self for the first time. Alex had always imagined his first real kiss with Jack to be soft, tentative; it was anything but. It was fiery, with Alex’s arms looped around Jack’s neck, his fingers deep in Jack’s dark hair. His mouth was open, lips slotted against Jack’s and while he’d imagined his tongue would be shy if he ever managed to really kiss Jack, he couldn’t have assumed farther from the truth. Alex was different tonight, but that should not have been a surprise. He was always different around Jack. Happy, but sad. Having the time of his life while also being miserable. Feeling lucky to have Jack in his life, but jealous of Caitlin. He could never be one or the other because he loved Jack too much. He could never be sad around him, but he could never be truly happy either. Except now, it seemed.

Jack’s arms were wrapped around Alex’s waist, hands playing with the hem of Alex’s hoodie. Occasionally, Jack’s fingertips would brush the skin right underneath the hoodie and Alex would shiver, his breath hitching against Jack’s mouth. Alex couldn’t believe that this was happening, but it was. All his senses were on fire. He could feel Jack’s hands and his lips, his tongue and his breath against his own. Alex could hear him panting, his breath stuttering against his own. All he could see was Jack when he opened his eyes; Jack’s were closed, but his lashes were stunning, pressed against Alex’s face. His cheeks were flushed a deep pink, contrasting Jack’s olive skin. His hair was a little mussed and Alex wanted it even moremussed, so he reached up, tangling his fingers into Jack’s dark locks. Jack’s unique smell was even more prominent and heady when Alex got close, but now he could smell the White Claw and toothpaste on his breath. He could taste it, too, along with a flavor that was distinctively Jack. If there was a facet of Jack, Alex was hopelessly addicted to it.

Jack pulled away with a hitch of breath and immediately rested his forehead against Alex’s.
“Hey,” he whispered, reaching up to gently stroke Alex’s cheek. Alex could have died from pure happiness from that moment alone, but the frequency with which Jack had uttered that word was not lost on him. Alex knew that it would be difficult to say anything cohesive right now; he would hate to try.

“Hey,” Alex said back, his face flushed. He knew that he should say something else, but what was there to say? ‘Hey, thanks for making out with me?’ Not a chance.

Jack pulled away just a little, wrapping his long fingers around Alex’s wrist. “Do you wanna, maybe…,” he trailed off, eyes flashing from Alex’s face to his feet again and again. “Go to my room?” He sounded so shy, and Alex was surprised to encounter that. Jack was a lot of things. Shy was not one of them. Alex couldn’t help but beam in reply and he nodded more enthusiastically than he should have.

“Yes,” Alex whispered, grinning from ear to ear. Jack slipped his hand from Alex’s wrist down to lace their fingers together. Alex’s heart was pounding so hard that he wondered if his chest might burst. Maybe he didn’t care if it did because he had never been this happy in his entire life. “God. Yes, I do.”

Jack squeezed Alex’s hand and smiled right back, leading Alex down the hall. He stopped every few moments to push Alex against the wall and kiss him deeply, tongue gliding against the other man’s. Alex still couldn’t believe that this was happening, but all he could even breathe was Jack and that was proof enough that he was here with Jack and that this was real.
Finally, they reached Jack’s bedroom. Immediately, Jack broke the kiss and yanked Alex’s hoodie and old t-shirt over his head before pushing him onto the bed. It was a California King with four posters. Alex had never seen Jack and Caitlin’s bedroom before, and he was shocked at how luxurious it was. He supposed that since they’d purchased this house together, they were planting roots. Alex tried not to be bitter, but he still felt a pang in his chest and a twist in his stomach. This was their bed where they slept, where Jack fucked Caitlin, where Jack made love to Caitlin.

Alex laid flat on his back, watching anxiously as Jack hovered over him. He was not at all shocked that Jack was taking control. He was nervous about what might happen, but he ignored that because he needed this, and he was willing to take whatever Jack would give him. That started with Jack straddling Alex’s waist, leaning down to bury his face in Alex’s neck. He kissed him there gently, but that didn’t last long, and he soon graduated to biting and sucking. Alex couldn’t help the whines that escaped his mouth or the way that his fingers curled into Jack’s shirt, the thin muscle tank the only barrier between their chests and torso.

“Jack!” Alex cried out when Jack bit him especially hard, astonished at how little it took from
Jack to get him like this. He unintentionally rocked his hips against Jack’s, even more, taken aback when he felt how hard Jack was against him.

Jack licked over the hickey, pulling back and smirking at Alex, sending shivers over the elder’s body. Frantically, he reached for the bottom of Jack’s tank and pulled it over his head, tossing it haphazardly across the room. He splayed his hands over Jack’s back and pulled him down to kiss him again, hooked on the tang and feeling of Jack’s lips and tongue. When bare skin touched bare skin, Alex felt electricity shooting through his body. Jack began to roll their hips together and Alex dug his nails into the skin of Jack’s back. He was torn, wanting to beg Jack for more, but also wanting to take this slow and savor every moment. Who knew if he would ever have this again?

After a few moments, Jack sank his teeth into Alex’s collarbone particularly roughly and Alex couldn’t help the whimper-moan that ripped from his mouth. After Jack pulled back to look at him and Alex nearly had a heart attack. It was like the first time that Jack had really looked at him since they’d started making out. He was afraid that Jack would come to his senses and stop, send Alex home, maybe scream at him. But he just grinned kindly and began kissing over Alex’s chest, down to one of his nipples.

Alex’s breath hitched as he felt Jack’s breath lingering over his nipple and he laced his fingers in Jack’s hair, wanting so badly to push him down, coax his lips around him, but he stayed strong. He didn’t want to force Jack into anything that he did not want to do. To be fair, Jack had kind of started this, but still, he had every right to change his mind if he wanted to. Much to Alex’s relief, Jack lowered his mouth to the pink bead, licking over it once. Alex gasped, tugging on Jack’s hair, and the younger man reached to tweak the other. This was such a simple act and yet, Alex felt like he was flying. He felt alive, in a way that he hadn’t in a very long time.
“Jack,” Alex whimpered, carding his fingers through Jack’s hair and rocking his hips against Jack’s desperately. He didn’t know what he was even wanting, painfully aware of how much he was saying Jack’s name. He couldn’t help himself; it seemed to be the only word he knew right now. Jack was sucking hard on his nipple now and Alex was embarrassed at how far gone he already was.

“Alex,” Jack whispered back, a coy smile on his face. He moved over to drag his tongue over Alex’s other nipple, taking it into his mouth and sucking on it, too, using his teeth to pull more noises out of Alex. At least that was what it seemed like to the older man. Something about his reactions made Alex think that Jack was enjoying how vocal Alex was being. Good.

Jack kissed down Alex’s stomach, stopping at his navel to drag his teeth over it. Alex couldn’t help but buck his hips once again. “Please,” he mumbled, digging his fingernails into Jack’s back. The other man smirked again, slipping his fingers into the waistband of Alex’s joggers and pushing them down. Alex could see that Jack was going to start torturing him again and he was tired of waiting around. He wanted to do something.

Using all his strength, Alex pushed Jack off him. A wave of surprise flashed over Jack’s face, his eyebrows raised and his mouth ajar. Alex didn’t keep him in the dark long, though, as he dragged Jack’s sweats and boxers down in one swift movement. And here it was. It seemed like there was no turning back now. Jack was fully nude in front of him and also fully hard. Alex had seen Jack naked so many times before, but this was different. He had never seen Jack like this, knowing that he was about to be intimate with him.

“What are you…?” Jack asked and trailed off, watching as Alex climbed in between his thighs and gave him a shy smile. With a shaking hand, Alex curled his fingers around the base of Jack’s cock. The taller man’s breath hitched, and Alex began to slide his hand up and down, achingly slowly. If Jack could tease, so could he.

It was fairly obvious by Jack’s body type that his dick was long, but it was thick, too. Alex hadn’t done much with men sexually, but he had a couple of fuck buddies that he kept on the down-low, so he knew how to give a blow job. He just hoped that he knew how to give one well. Alex ran his thumb over Jack’s slit and then looked up to lock eyes with him. Jack’s lips were parted, and his eyes were blown wide open. Part of it was that he was as surprised as Alex that this was happening, but it was also, Alex assumed because he was desperate for contact of any kind.

Finally, Alex closed his mouth around the head of Jack’s dick, still keeping his eyes locked on Jack’s.

“Fuck,” Jack drawled, sliding a hand down to weave into Alex’s umber hair. He held on with a firm grip but didn’t pull.

Alex licked over Jack’s tip several times before sinking farther, sliding his hand down to the base, above Jack’s balls. He chose to start with a slow pace, sucking the top and running his tongue along the veins under the head. Jack panted and watched him needfully, gently scratching at Alex’s scalp. “Jesus,” Jack muttered. “Feels so good.”

This encouraged Alex, and he took Jack even deeper, part of him going down his throat. His eyes began to water, and he wanted to gag, but he hollowed his cheeks and did his best to stop it before it could happen. Alex took hold of Jack’s balls and began to roll them around in his palm, glancing up at Jack through his glossy eyes. He blinked and tears began to slip down his cheeks.

“God, you’re so hot,” Jack whispered, tugging on Alex’s hair. “Keep that up and I’m gonna cum down your throat,” he warned with a groan. Alex moaned around him and reached down to palm himself, desperate for some kind of friction. He still couldn’t believe that this was happening, but hearing Jack say those things made it oh so real. These were phrases that he’d only ever fantasized about, and it felt like a dream. But Alex’s senses were still afire with Jack’s essence and there was no way that this wasn’t real.

Jack reached out to wipe the tears from Alex’s cheeks and then Alex swallowed around him, still blinking. After a few more moments of sucking Jack off, Alex pulled away and took a deep breath. He barely had time to wipe his eyes before Jack was pulling him up to kiss him deeply, pushing his tongue forcibly against Alex’s. Breathlessly, Alex wrapped his arms around Jack’s neck and kissed him back. Jack’s hands slid down Alex’s back to his ass and he slipped them into his boxers. He pushed them down and grabbed two handfuls of Alex’s ass cheeks, rutting against him.

“Jack,” Alex gasped as Jack nibbled on his bottom lip.

“Yeah?” Jack asked, squeezing Alex’s backside hard, more than likely leaving bruises.

Alex paused, toying with the hairs on the base of Jack’s neck as Jack sucked on his tongue.
Part of him was willing to just get off like this, lazy and slow. Maybe if Alex believed he’d have another opportunity to have Jack like this, he’d be okay with that. But the truth was, Alex knew that he wasn’t going to. He didn’t think about that too much during the tryst because he didn’t want to ruin it for himself, but it was always in the back of his mind. For that reason, he pulled his mouth away from Jack’s and looked up at him.

“I want you to fuck me,” Alex whispered, voice wavering and heart pounding fast. At this point, he did not have any reason to believe that Jack wouldn’t be interested in that particular act, given all that they had already done. However, Alex had been living with the reality that Jack would never look at him this way for over a decade. That did not dissipate just because he’d sucked Jack’s dick.

Luckily for Alex, Jack smirked, like he had done so many times before, so many times tonight, and he nodded eagerly. “Fuck yeah,” he replied. The taller man slid off the bed and opened his bedside drawer. Alex watched as Jack fished out a condom and lube, and it hit him that this was probably Jack and Caitlin’s stash. He felt a pang in his chest, sickness in his stomach, as he realized once again that he was a homewrecker, and that this was Jack and Caitlin’s bed and their life. He was an intruder in their world. That was nearly enough to make him pull his clothes on to cut and run. Nearly.

That feeling wasn’t as strong as Jack standing over him with a condom in one hand, lube in the other, fully hard and smiling at him. No, Alex was selfish, and for once, he didn’t want to do what was best for everyone. He wanted to do what made him happy.

With grabby hands, Alex pulled Jack back down to him, smiling as their lips met once again. Jack dropped the condom beside them on the bed and flicked the cap on the lube open. From what Alex could see, it was just basic and probably water based. Nothing fancy but correct for what they were going to do.

“Have you ever done this before?” Jack asked, pulling back to look at Alex and biting his bottom lip. He almost looked nervous. Almost. Alex knew for certain that Jack had fucked girls in the ass before. This couldn’t be that different.

Alex nodded, the corners of his mouth turning up a bit. “Yeah, a few times. It’s not difficult. Just got to communicate and use plenty of lube.” His cheeks reddened just a bit and he wasn’t sure why. Why was he feeling shy now of all times? Could it be that this was an intimacy that he had never known before? Alex had slept with plenty of people, but never with anyone that he loved as fiercely as he did Jack. Whatever it was, he didn’t have time to dwell on it. This was happening and it was happening now.

“Okay,” Jack said, taking a deep breath and dropping some of the lube onto his palm. “Do I need to, like, finger you?” He asked with a chuckle.

Alex chuckled back, relieved that they were both laughing. “You don’t have to, but you can.”

“Okay,” Jack said again, twirling his fingers around in the pool of lube.

“I can turn over if that’ll help,” Alex offered, feeling a bit helpless. He knew what to do better than Jack, but that wasn’t necessarily helping when Jack was the one executing things.

“No,” Jack said immediately, shaking his head. “I, uh, I wanna see you.”
Alex flushed with happiness and nodded. “Okay,” he whispered back. He opted to lie on his back with his feet flat against the bed. That way, Jack could see his face but also reach his hole. He watched as Jack pointed his middle finger toward him, nearly laughing because it seemed like Jack was flipping him off. He held it in, though, because he could tell that Jack was nervous. Alex breathed steadily as Jack slipped the finger inside of him easily and began to move it slowly.

“That okay?” Jack asked, looking up at Alex for approval.

“Yes,” Alex replied, licking his lips and trying to focus on how Jack’s finger felt. It was delightfully long, but he hadn’t found Alex’s prostate yet. That was okay, though. They were just getting started. “You can go ahead and add another one.”

Jack nodded and pressed his index finger inside of Alex, who took a deep breath. Two was always quite different from one, but it didn’t hurt. His lover twisted his fingers inside of Alex and scissored them, and Alex was impressed that Jack was catching on so quickly. Suddenly, Alex jolted and shivered, a loud cry emitting from his mouth.

Jack jumped but didn’t remove his fingers. “Are you okay?” He asked, glancing down at Alex with concern.

Alex giggled and nodded, reaching a hand out to rest on Jack’s waist. “I’m great, Jack. I know you know that the male G-spot is up there.”

Jack also laughed and pressed his fingers against that spot again, making Alex’s toes curl and a long string of whimpers escape from his throat.

“Need you,” Alex murmured. “Want your cock.” He was surprised that he said those things immediately, face reddening. He was a little embarrassed and wanted to hide his face, but Jack was smirking and licking his lips. He was very interested in what Alex wanted.

“You have me,” Jack said, dick twitching as he ripped the condom on. Alex felt a pang in his chest because no, he really didn’t have Jack. Maybe he did for the night, but he wanted forever, and he knew that was impossible. He pushed that thought away, knowing that otherwise, he would cry. Jack squeezed some more lube onto his hand and then spread it over his sheathed cock, stepping in between Alex’s legs.

“I’m ready,” Alex said confidently, resting his hands on Jack’s waist. “Whenever you are,” he added with a chuckle.

That was clearly all the encouragement Jack needed because he lined his dick up with Alex’s hole and pushed inside of him. Thankfully, Jack had enough common sense to know that he shouldn’t immediately start plowing Alex. Instead, he groaned loudly at the tight heat and sat inside of him. Alex dug his nails into Jack’s hips, gritting his teeth and trying to adjust to Jack’s size.

“Jesus, you’re big,” Alex grunted, trying to even out his breaths.

“And you’re tight as fuck,” Jack gasped. He leaned down and buried his face in Alex’s neck, kissing him softly. He glided his hands over Alex’s chest and stomach, seemingly trying to comfort him as he got used to his cock. Alex couldn’t help but grin and shiver at the comment. He’d waited solong for this, and he was damn well going to enjoy every moment of it.

“Okay, you can move,” Alex mumbled, squeezing Jack’s sides. He was still in a bit of pain, but he wanted Jack so badly. He didn’t want to prolong it anymore.

Nodding, Jack steadied his hands on Alex’s shoulders and began to rock his hips. He started slowly, shallowly, hesitantly. Alex was kind of grateful for that, though, since he was still adjusting to how big Jack was. It felt good, better than good, to have Jack inside of and above him, and to watch his face and movements change as he fucked him. Of course, it wasn’t exactly like he’d imagined it before. He and Jack weren’t perfectly in sync, he wasn’t completely at ease, but it felt amazing regardless. Besides, this was real. This wasn’t just the things he’d fantasized about in his head; he was actually in Jack’s bed, with Jack inside of him. Nothing
real was perfect and Alex was more than okay with that.

The sex did, however, get better and better as they carried on. Jack quickly grew more confident and picked up his pacing. Soon, Alex was completely at Jack’s mercy, holding on for dear life as he pounded into him. It didn’t take him long to find Alex’s prostate, either.

“Jack,” Alex moaned, for the umpteenth time that evening, digging his short nails into Jack’s back. “Feels so good.” He didn’t just mean his sweet spot being kindled, but also to be able to moan Jack’s name like this. There had been countless nights that Alex spent alone, jerking off and thinking of Jack, unable to keep himself from moaning his name. He had the honest-to-God physical Jack here with him and he’d craved it for so long.

“You take my cock so good, baby,” Jack murmured, pressing open-mouthed kisses along Jack’s jaw and neck.

Alex could have cum from those words alone. In his fantasies, he hadn’t really thought much about any kinds of kinks. Sex to Alex was lacking simply because he thought that he wasn’t going to be able to ever fuck the person he wanted most, so he didn’t experiment with his previous partners much. He’d never considered himself as submissive, but Jack praising him and fucking him so relentlessly was…interesting, to say the least.

Without warning, Jack hit Alex’s prostate dead-on again and Alex cried out loudly. Jack smirked at Alex’s reaction and began to rock his hips in dirty circles to hit it more and more. “That feel good?” He asked in a husky voice. “You like this, don’t you? I think you’re a cockslut, Alex.”
Circling against Alex’s prostate was enough to bring Alex closer to the edge, but the things he was saying? Alex was surprised that he didn’t cum right then. He had never thought himself a cockslut, but maybe with Jack, he was. He certainly couldn’t get enough of the other man. He dragged his nails down Jack’s back, almost deep enough to break the skin, and moaned fiercely. “I’m so close,” Alex whimpered, tears in his eyes. He didn’t want this to end, but it felt so good, and he didn’t have it in him to not let go.

Jack licked his lips and then leaned down to kiss Alex quickly, but deeply. “Cum for me, baby.”

With a broken moan, Alex wrapped a hand around his cock and after a few messy strokes, he came over his and Jack’s stomachs. He let out a repetitive string of Jack’s name, like a prayer, and to Alex, maybe it was. Maybe this was nirvana for him. His eyes began to tear up again, but it was less about pleasure then and more about how emotional being with Jack like this was making him.

“Christ,” Jack muttered as Alex tightened around him. “God, I’m gonna cum, too.” It only took a few more deep thrusts for Jack to spill into the condom. He grunted loudly, squeezing Alex’s waist in both hands. He rested his forehead against Alex’s shoulder, panting softly. Alex could feel the sweat dripping off him, mingling with his own, and maybe he should have felt even just a little grossed out, but he didn’t. He felt like he was home.

Reaching down, Alex began to run his fingers through Jack’s thick, dark locks. “That was incredible,” he whispered, heart pounding profusely, and Jack hummed in agreement. Now that the act itself was over, his eyelids were drooping, and he wanted to just snuggle up with Jack and sleep. But since he’d climaxed and could think clearly again, he was getting anxious. Jack was getting married. Alex was in their bed, the one that they were going to share as husband and wife. And besides that, where were he and Jack supposed to go from here? They were best friends; they worked together. Things between Rian and Zack didn’t seem to hurt the band, but what if he and Jack were different? What if he’d made the biggest mistake of his life?
Still, Alex toyed with Jack’s hair. He didn’t want this to end, didn’t want Jack to pull out of him or stop snuggling into him. “You okay?” Alex finally asked hoarsely, his nails gently scratching against Jack’s scalp.

“Mmm…,” Jack murmured, his voice buzzing against Alex’s shoulder. “Mmm-hmm. I’m fine. That feels really good, by the way,” he said with a chuckle.

Alex giggled, unable to contain the joy that Jack always managed to bring him despite himself.
“I’ll keep it up then.” And he did as the two of them just laid together, sticky and sated. Alex closed his eyes, a tiny yawn escaping from his lips, and he felt Jack move away from his shoulder. He stilled and Alex opened his eyes to find Jack staring at him.

“What’re you looking at?” He asked, a light blush painting his cheeks. He bit his bottom lip nervously as his heart pounded. Jack was grinning and he’d literally just fucked him. Alex had no reason to be tense, but he was.

“You’re just…fucking cute,” Jack replied with a chuckle. “You’re blushing. You don’t need to be nervous around me, but it’s still really cute.”

Alex wanted to come up with a snarky comment, but he was kind of in awe. Jack thought he was hot. Jack thought he was cute. Jack had kissed him and fucked him. All he could do was grin until his cheeks hurt.

“I’m sticky as shit, though,” Jack said, pulling himself up on his elbows so that he could slip out of Alex. He watched as Jack sat up, slid the condom off himself, and tied it off. “Gonna have to hide this good. I’ll probably just toss it in the trash barrel outside tomorrow,” he said thoughtfully, and Alex instantly felt like someone had shot a bullet into his chest. The smile dropped and he swallowed hard. This was the first time that Jack had addressed the reality of the situation since this started. In some sense, this was the only way that he had brought up Caitlin all day. Why was that? Of course, it didn’t necessarily make sense for Jack to have cheated on her, either so Alex wasn’t sure why he was concerning himself with figuring out why Jack wasn’t talking about his fiancée. It was probably because he’d just cheated on her with his best male friend. It was just that Alex’s mind was going a mile a minute and he was trying to ignore the guilt bubbling in his stomach. He needed to make some kind of sense of anything.

“You wanna shower?” Jack asked, breaking Alex out of his anxious stupor. His eyes were shining happily, and his grin was contagious. Alex knew that he should finallybe responsible and tell Jack no, to go home and try to put all of this behind him.

“Yes,” Alex replied, matching Jack’s smile. And instead of doing what he knew he should, he stood up, took Jack’s hand, and followed him into the master bathroom.

Jack and Caitlin’s master bathroom.

Notes

I'll just pop up every few weeks with a chapter until this is finished. I absolutely cannot promise regular updates bc I am the least consistent bitch on this planet lmao.