I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-Elizabeth Barret Browning, “How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet 43)”

Alex wasn’t surprised at all when his doorbell rang the next afternoon. He had spent most of the morning nursing one of the worst hangovers of his entire life, which was really saying something. Alex had become glued to his bed, doubled over with a small trash can in his lap, vomiting until all he could do was dry heave and cry. Never before had his head hurt so much, pounding so hard that he could barely open his eyes, Needless to say, he had been downright miserable. However, after a bit more sleep, some toast, a couple bottles of Gatorade, and way too many ibuprofens, he was feeling less shitty.

Alex also wasn’t surprised when he pulled his door open and saw Zack standing behind it, waiting for him. He looked much better than Alex felt, but he also held his liquor way better than anyone else that Alex knew.

“Uh…hey,” Alex said softly, biting his bottom lip. “What’s up?” He opened the door a bit wider and stepped aside to let his friend inside.

“Hey, Alex,” Zack replied as he came into the house. “Sorry to bother you. I know you gotta be feeling rough.”

Alex closed the door behind Zack and then followed him into the living room. “S’okay. Do you want a drink? Coffee or something?”

Zack shook his head, playing with the cap that he wore backward on his head. “Nah, I’m good. Thanks, though.”

Nodding, Alex gestured to the furniture in the living room. Zack sat down on his sofa and Alex in a recliner near him. Peyton and Baz came bounding in the room, both of them rushing to sniff Zack with wagging tails.

“Sup, little dudes?” Zack said with a grin, leaning down to pet both of them. Alex watched them quietly, a small smile on his face, as well. The only times that he felt pure joy when he wasn’t on stage was when he was with his dogs. Or Jack, but that also came with immense pain.

Alex began to tap his foot nervously, knowing that Zack was going to talk to him about something important. He could tell by the way that Zack had looked at him and Rian last night that something was going on. He just wasn’t sure what.

“I kinda wanted to talk to you about something,” Zack said, leaning back as if he could read Alex’s mind.

“Yeah, I figured,” Alex said with a shrug.

As if he could sense that something was wrong, Baz hopped into Alex’s lap and curled into a ball. Alex gratefully began to pet Baz’s soft head.

“I just…I can tell that something’s not right with you and I don’t…,” Zack trailed off, clicking his tongue in thought. “I don’t want you to end up like me,” he said with a deep sigh.

Frowning, Alex locked eyes with Zack. “What do you mean, like you? What’s wrong with you? You’re like, perfect, Zack.”

Zack snorted, shaking his head. He laughed, but it didn’t seem genuine. “I am not perfect, Al. Far from it, actually. But I guess it’s less about me and more about…Rian.”

Alex was quiet, still stroking Baz’s fur. He had an inkling about what Zack was going to tell him, but he also didn’t want to assume anything. He figured it best to just not say anything until Zack prompted him to.

“Or Rian and me. I don’t know,” Zack went on, wringing his hands together. Alex knew that Zack was an anxious person and suffered from panic attacks. In fact, they had bonded over their mutual struggle, and Alex could tell when Zack was dealing with a lot. He was doing that now.

“It’s all right,” Alex whispered, hoping that Zack wouldn’t feel obligated to tell him anything that he wasn’t comfortable sharing. “If it’s too much, then-”

“No,” Zack interrupted, shaking his head. “No. I’ve gotta tell you. If I don’t, then…then you’re gonna just end up like me. Alone. And anyway, I need to tell someone, or else I’m gonna lose it. I’ve kept it a secret for…so long.”

Alex frowned. Zack wasn’t usually this serious. Something about it was almost…frightening to him. His eyes were dark and his jaw set and tight. “Okay,” Alex said with a nod. “Take your time.”

Zack cleared his throat and leaned back, head resting against the chair. “I think it was right after the Nothing Personal release. Me and Ri, we were sharing a room on a hotel night and I was so high and we’d both been drinking a lot, you know how it was.” Zack paused and Alex simply nodded again. He did know how it was. They’d been touring for quite a while at that point, but they were still young, and partying was like second nature to all of them. Not just the band, but their crew, as well.

“Anyway. It was like three in the morning and we were both laying on my bed, kind of staring at the ceiling and I got the spins, so I sat up and bent over because I really thought I was gonna puke. Rian kinda put his hand on my shoulder and then my back, and I just remember that he was being so caring and trying to make me feel better. And I…,” Zack trailed off, his cheeks reddening. “My heart was pounding like crazy, like something was wrong with me, like nothing I’d ever felt before and-and I just. Kissed him. And he kissed me back and we just…didn’t stop.” Sighing, Zack ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes.

“We fucked. And I was so scared the next day that he was gonna act like nothing happened or scream at me for it because he definitely had a girlfriend, but that morning, I woke up and he was smiling at me.” Alex noticed how Zack also smiled as he mentioned Rian’s smiling. “He told me that I was a really good fuck and we laughed about it and then we just kept it going for months. Years,” he said with a swallow.

Alex frowned. He would never judge Zack, but if this was something that his friends carried on for years, that almost had to mean that they were messing around while Rian was with Cassadee. They didn’t talk anymore, Alex and Cass, but she’d been one of his good friends for a long time. After she and Rian had broken off their engagement, she’d essentially broken off her friendships with everyone in the band. It had hurt Alex a lot, but he also understood why she had done it. Associating with the band at all would just remind her of Rian and Alex could imagine that would be very painful.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Zack said wanly. “I mean, probably a lot of things, but yeah, we were fucking while he was with Cass.” Zack’s face reddened even more. “Trust me, I felt guilty about it then and I feel guilty about it now.” He was quiet for a moment, looking away. “I just couldn’t find it in me to stop. I kept telling myself that it was just because Rian’s a really good lay,” he said with a bitter chuckle. “That it was convenient, especially on tour, and it was something you can’t necessarily get from a girl, you know? But I think you and I both know, even if you’re just now learning about it, that that’s not what it was at all. I was in love with him. Am in love with him.”

Alex’s eyes widened and his fingers gripped onto the sofa, his knuckles turning white. He couldn’t believe that two of his best friends had carried this on for so long behind his back. But what really troubled him was what was to come. Zack’s words from the beginning were running through his mind repetitively.

“No. I’ve gotta tell you. If I don’t, then…then you’re gonna just end up like me. Alone.”
To be fair, though, Alex was already alone.

“Then he told us that he was gonna propose to Cass. And you guys were so excited and so was he, I couldn’t say anything that day.” Zack swallowed hard. “But I couldn’t believe that he just sprang that on me at the same time that he told you guys. I thought that we were closer than that.” Zack stopped, pursing his lips. “I guess not, though. I told him the next day that he had to choose – me or Cass – because I couldn’t come in between them. You know, they were gonna be married. And he chose her,” Zack finished, staring off at seemingly nothing, his eyes misty.

There was a pit in Alex’s stomach, a knot in his throat. Not only did his heart ache for his friend, but he knew where Zack was going with this. Still, he reached out and gently touched Zack’s shoulder.

“Thanks for telling me, man. I’m sorry that you went through that.” He didn’t say it, but Alex wasn’t sure that he’d be able to view Rian the same way after this.

Zack shrugged. “Thank you, Alex, but I didn’t tell you for sympathy or so you’d dislike Ri…I did it to myself. There’s no one to blame but me. I knew that Rian was with Cass, I knew that he loved her, at least to an extent. And because of that, I should have never started the whole thing up, should have ended it right away, but I didn’t and now I have to live with it.”

“Did she-did Rian and Cass…,” Alex trailed off, nails digging into the linen of the sofa.

“Did they break up because of me?” Zack finished for him, shaking his head with a slight chuckle.

“Nah, I guess everything Rian said about the split was true. He fucked that one up on his own. But I can’t help but wonder sometimes if she knew, you know?”

“Jack and I didn’t,” Alex said with a shrug. “And we basically live on top of each other three-hundred days of the year.”

Zack nodded in agreement. “Yeah. But you guys weren’t in a relationship with Ri, either. It’s different when you are. Not that he and I were ever in a relationship,” he said with a bitter chuckle.

It was silent between them after that. Alex watched Zack stare at the wall in front of them, seemingly lost in thought. He knew for sure what Zack needed to talk to him about; he just really didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want him and Jack to end up like Zack and Rian; he didn’t want to end up like Zack. As much as he loved his friend, he was already miserable enough as it was. A situation similar to his would only add salt to the wounds.

“I don’t want you to be like me,” Zack whispered as if having read Alex’s mind. “I don’t want you to feel this way, Alex.” He sighed, running his hand through his mussed hair for the umpteenth time that day. “I know that you love Jack. I had a feeling before, but I saw how you looked at him last night. How sad you were.”

Alex’s hands were shaking, his heart pounding. He’d never discussed this with anyone, had never even said the words aloud. The fact that Zack had seen right through him was more than enough to cause him to panic. “Zack, you don’t know what you’re talking about!” he yelped with a burst.

Spooked by the outburst, Baz jumped off of Alex’s lap and ran out of the room, Peyton following after with a bark.

“Hey, Alex, it’s okay,” Zack said gently, reaching out for Alex’s hand.

Alex promptly yanked his hand away and stood up, fighting back tears. “Stop! Just stop! You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he repeated as if he’d rehearsed it in his head. He had.

Zack got to his feet and walked over to Alex, gently putting a hand on each of his shoulders. “Hey,
it’s all right. I know this is hard for you. I just spent the last thirty minutes spilling my guts to you about Rian. I know how hard this is.”

Alex blinked, gulping as tears finally began to slip down his cheeks. “What am I supposed to do, Zack? Why did you tell me all of this?” He sniffled as Zack pulled him into a hug.

“I told you this so you’ll know to tell Jack how you feel,” Zack said softly and Alex jerked away from him as if he’d been struck.

“I can’t,” Alex whimpered, wiping at his dark eyes. “Why the fuck do you think I’ve kept this a secret for so long?!”

Zack stepped back, mulling over the question for a few moments. “I’m not sure about that, Alex.
Why don’t you tell me?” He sat down calmly, hoping that Alex would follow him.

Alex stayed still for a moment, watching Zack. Finally, he did sit back down and swiped at his face angrily. “Because…because I didn’t want to fuck up the band,” he said, still not looking at Zack.

“Oh, come on,” Zack said with a raise of his brow. “I know that’s not it. It’s not that simple or else you wouldn’t have literally panicked when I said something about it. I promise that it’s okay to tell me, Al. It’s gonna eat you alive if you don’t. Trust me.”

Alex sniffled hard before finally moving his hands. “Jack’s my best friend,” he whispered. “He’s the only one I’ve ever had.” He bit his lip and began to crack his knuckles anxiously. “I lost all of my friends when we moved here from the UK. The private school kids all thought that I was weird and not rich enough,” he said with a bitter chuckle. “And then, at Dulaney, everyone thought that I was too preppy and prissy.” Swallowing hard, Alex began to bounce his knee. “On my first day, some senior told me that no one was gonna talk to me if I kept dressing so faggy.”

Zack reached out and squeezed Alex’s shoulder. “You never told us that.”

“Yeah,” Alex said, chuckling again. “Didn’t want you guys to think I was a fag. Look at me now.”
Shaking his head, he went on. “But Jack…he didn’t care about any of that. I mean, he thought I was kinda weird, but he didn’t care. He wanted to be my friend. He was the first real friend I’d ever had a-and I met him right after my brother died.” Alex shrugged. “And no matter what, he’s always been there for me, never made me feel weird for who I am, never made me worry about how I had to act around him. So why wouldn’t I…fall in love with him?” he asked softly, closing his eyes. It took everything in him to admit it and he took a deep breath, suddenly exhausted.

“Anyway. I can’t lose that. I can’t lose him. If he knew, even if he didn’t hate me, things would never be the same. He’d never look at me the same,” Alex whimpered miserably. “And to be honest, he’d probably just hate me and never want to speak to me again,” he choked on a sob as he finished speaking.

“Jack isn’t homophobic, Alex,” Zack pointed out, frowning just a bit. “You should give him more credit than that. In fact, he’s one of the most open-minded people that I know.” Zack hesitated for a moment before looking Alex square in the eye. “Besides, you never know. He might like you, too.”
Alex snorted. “Dude, he’s getting married. To a woman. I know you’re not that ignorant.

“I’m just saying,” Zack said defensively. “You’ve never once discussed this with him. You have no way of knowing how he’d feel.”

Zack stayed quiet after that, allowing Alex to think it over. That’s what he believed Alex needed to do the most. Think.

“Anyway, I’m saying that you need to tell him so that you can at least get closure and move on. I’m never going to get that with Rian and that’s going to make me sick for the rest of my life. You, on the other hand, can at least try to get over Jack if he doesn’t feel the same way as you.”

“And he doesn’t,” Alex said sheepishly. But Zack could tell that the gears in his mind were turning and that was all that Zack had come here for.

“Like I said, you don’t know that,” Zack said softly as he stood up. He squeezed Alex’s shoulder one more time. “You’ve got a lot to think about, so I’m gonna go. But Alex, please know that you’re not alone in this. If you ever need me, for anything, I’ll be here as fast as I can, okay?”

Alex nodded pensively, forcing a smile for Zack. “Thanks, dude. And, uh…thanks for telling me about you and Ri. And for caring.”

Zack chuckled softly. “No problem, dude.”

Alex watched as Zack slipped out the front door and then he headed upstairs to change his clothes. He waited for the sound of Zack’s car driving off before he came back and also slipped through the front door. Zack had said that he needed to think things over, but Alex had done enough thinking. He had somewhere to be and he had to get there as soon as possible.

Notes

Hello, I suck very much. My perfectionism keeps getting the best of me and I wish I could say that I'm not gonna keep doing this, but I know that I am lmao. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this. Lots of thanks to my beta astro-physicist-not-princess on tumblr. :)