Infinity

A week filled with five sessions passed was and fatigue was setting in; not to mention, my mental health was heading downhill. I was crying at an excessive rate, I was sad, anxious and my appetite has gotten out of hand. We hadn’t touched much into what else was going on with me. I made an appointment to see a specialist and it starts an hour after my session on Tuesday.

“How are you feeling after this session?” Alex asked, standing up.

“Okay. I guess.” I replied, starting to tremble.

Seeing this, he placed his hand on my shaking arm, calming me briefly and I looked up at him and wrapped my arms around his body. He wrapped his arms around me as tightly as he could and kissed the top of my head.

“Everything’s gonna be okay. I promise you.”

“You sure?”

“Of course I’m sure.”

Tears began to soak his shirt so we swayed back-and-forth.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“I just wanna go home and eat and be with you guys.”

“Watch a movie, perhaps?”

“Yeah.”

I still hadn’t moved, and therefore, I worried about anyone who was just staring at us.

“Where’s Zack?” I said anxiously.

“Bringing the car around so we can just get in and leave.”

Once I heard Alex’s phone, I knew it had to be Zack. I separated from Alex and tugged on his hand that I quickly grasped, eager to leave.

“Let’s go. I bet that’s him.”

Alex opened the door of the building without a word, followed by the passenger door where I saw the other love of my life.

“Hey.” he said with that beautiful smile of his.

I tried to equal that smile, but I couldn’t.

“Hey.” I said, buckling my seatbelt.

“How’d things go?”

I was quiet.

“Jessie?” he repeated.

More silence.

“She just wants to go home.” Alex said, touching his shoulder.

Zack nodded and kissed my cheek. I texted Alex.

Thanks. Love you!

Anytime. Love you, too.

I headed straight toward our kitchen once we entered our house; I was starving; it's amazing how I don't have much of an appetite during the morning before any of my sessions, but afterward, it’s like I haven't eaten in days.

“Anything we can get you?”

“You two aren't hungry?” I asked confused.

“We are, but we thought that you would like go sit and relax after today's session.”

I left the kitchen and sat down on the couch, turning on the television.

“Jessie?” Alex asked.

“Yeah?”

“What are you hungry for?”

“Whatever you guys want is fine.” I sighed.

I wasn't feeling too much of anything aside from sadness. Nothing else was said for the next five minutes until someone sat next to me; I didn't even bother to look to see who it was.

“I love you.”

Zack.

“I love you, too.” I said, setting my head on his shoulder.

“Alex’s making your favorite breakfast.”

“Ham, scrambled eggs, onion, bacon, cheese and potatoes?”

“AKA a mess. Yes.”

I was a bit happy over that which felt like an improvement, considering how I’ve been the past week. I kissed his cheek and melted into him.

“I like this you. The old you.”

The old me.

“Me too. I’m trying to not be so all over the place lately, but it’s difficult.“

“I know. This is why I’m happy you’re seeing a specialist tomorrow. Get down to the root of the problem.”

“Exactly.”

“Wanna put something on?”

“Yeah.”

“Anything?”

“Is the Book of Life okay?”

“Of course.”

“After Alex is done cooking?”

“Sounds good.”

I was hoping that the movie would make me feel better. Until he saw done, Zack just turned the tv on and let whatever was playing be. I didn't move away from him; instead, I got even more comfortable.

“Hey, guys.” I overheard Alex.

“Hey. Food ready?” Zack asked.

“Yeah.”

As hungry as I was, I did not want to move.

“Jessie?” Alex asked.

I didn't say anything.

“Just dish her up a plate.” Zack answered for me.

“Thank you.” I said not looking up at him.

“You’re welcome.”

Only a few minutes later, Alex came in and set plates on the table. I reluctantly separated from Zack and sat on the floor to eat.

“This is delicious. Thank you.” I said, looking toward Alex.

“My pleasure. I figured you’d appreciate them.”

“I do. Very much so.”

He smiled at me and I smiled back.

“Feeling like yourself?”

“A little bit. I just can’t wait to figure out what’s going on with me.”

After we ate and Alex took our plates, I cuddled up to Zack as we turned on the movie. The love story caused me to smiłe and tear up, but I knew that the sadness would take over once again. I sighed once it was over and pulled apart from Zack who I had never left during the entirety of the movie. I grabbed my water from the table and left the living room.

“Jessie. Where are you going?” Alex called out.

“Our bedroom. I’m tired.” I replied, not turning around.

I walked upstairs while I heard them murmuring in the background. I took off my bra and crawled under the covers. Not even five minutes passed when I heard someone on the bed.

“Hey.”

Alex.

“Yeah?” I yawned.

“Mind if I join you?”

“Not at all.”

I smiled slightly as I heard him get under the covers and pull me slightly onto him; I had no objections as I inhaled his scent and fell asleep. I went to bed anxious about what tomorrow had to bring, but I knew one thing for sure was that I was going to find out what else is affecting my mental health.

Ugh. Tomorrow's gonna be a hell of a day.

I woke up refreshed but that didn't mean I was in a cheerful mood; a shower didn't help me out which was disappointing.

“Ready for today?” Alex asked as I tried eating a bowl of cereal.

“No.” I said sadly.

“I have a good feeling about today.”

I nodded. I continued to eat and managed to finish it then I went upstairs and brushed my teeth.

“Hey.” Zack said as I put on my shoes.

“Hey.” I said.

“How are you?”

“The same I guess. I’m ready to go.”

Once again, I didn’t look up and hated it at the same time. I buckled my seatbelt and looked away once I was in the car. I kept quiet as well while the drive was made to the outpatient clinic where I was getting radiation.

"Have a great visit, babe." Alex said, kissing my cheek.

This was after radiation treatment.

I smiled weakly as I followed someone to where my doctor was. I was anxious like I hadn’t been since this change of emotions happened, and of course, I had to be here by myself without my supportive men beside me.

“Hello, Ms. Townshed.” he introduced himself.

“Hi.” I said, not even looking at him.

Just because I wanted answers didn't mean I had any intention of looking at the guy who's trying to help me.

“Is everything alright, Jessalyn?”

“It’s Jessie.”

I can’t stand when people who don't know me call me by full name; Alex and Zack are exceptions, obviously.

“Ok. Jessie. How are you feeling today?"

“Sad, maybe a bit anxious.”

“Have you felt this way even before today?”

Why the fuck do you think I’m here for? Of course I am.

“That’s why I’m here. Right? I’m a mess.”

I didn't say it angrily; I was only sad and pathetic.

“How long have you felt like this?”

“After my first session of radiation... it was during breakfast out with my partners when I started feeling this way. It was so out of blue.”

“Radiation?”

“I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer a couple of weeks ago. They removed a lump on left breast a month ago. It spread to my lymph nodes and I need additional radiation.”

I continued to feel gloomy.

“Can’t imagine that was easy to learn.”

“At 28? No. Not really.”

I was irritated now on top of being depressed. Can’t truly say that I’m depressed, though; if this isn’t depression, then that wouldn’t be appropriate.

“How’s your support system?”

“Strong. My partners have always been there for me, and my parents, although far away, are there for me as well.”

We went on to talk about my behavior along with my goals from here on out, not just getting past treatment and being cancer-free. It certainly wasn't a pleasant conversation as my emotional state didn't change all that much, and I just wanted answers. What do I have and what can I do to fix it? Because I certainly cannot live my life like this while I’m getting cancer treatment.

“Jessie?”

I looked up at him after staring at the ground for a few minutes while he typed something up on his computer.

“Yeah?”

“I do have answers for you.”

Thank goodness.

“You have what we like to call adjustment disorder. It's a form of depression, but it's short-term. Your symptoms shouldn't last longer than six months.”

“Is this because of my cancer diagnosis?”

“I believe the second you found that lump is what triggered it. Symptoms just didn't show up until that first treatment. A major event or stress... in this case, both, brought this on.”

A few tears ran down my face, but I felt so relieved to have a diagnosis.

“Can anything be done to help me?”

“There are the options of psychotherapy and cognitive-behavioral therapy...”

He went on to say how they would essentially help me get back to who I was before the discovery of the lump on my breast/my cancer diagnosis.

“Something as simple as practical support would help you get back to your old self.”

“Practical support?”

“Help from loved ones, help with basic tasks…”

I nodded as he listed them; extra help never hurts especially in my case seeing how fatigued I am already.

“That’s definitely gonna help. Don’t know what I’d do without them.”

Medication turned out not to be an option which I was perfectly fine with. If I can manage this without medication then that’s better for me; dealing with radiation is enough without entering an antidepressant. I opted for the support and CBT because as much as I appreciate help from my loved ones, they’re not always going to be there. Who knows how long I will be going through this and they will probably be touring or promoting the album, not to mention, making music videos.

“Hope to hear from you soon, Jessie. It was a pleasure meeting you.”

“You too.”

I walked out of the room and sighed, eager to see my men who were in the waiting room. Zack saw me first and walked over to hug me; I buried my head into his chest as I was physically and mentally exhausted.

“How’d your visit go?” he asked, wrapping his arms around me.

“Good. Can we talk about it more when we get home, though?”

“Of course.”

When we got home, I planted my ass on the couch and stretched out, crossing my legs as I did so. That didn’t last as Alex lifted me and was soon sitting in between his legs.

“So, what happened?” he asked, taking hold of my hands.

“Well, I’ll tell you first what he diagnosed me with. I have adjustment disorder. It’s similar to depression but shouldn’t last more than six months.” I said, resting my head on his shoulder.

“Is this because of what’s happened in the past month?” Zack asked.

“It’s a reaction to it. All of my symptoms are finally explained. I can’t believe it.”

“Is there any treatment?”

“Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Psychotherapy, among other things. It’s all to help me get back to my normal self. One of which you guys are already helping me with… practical support.”

“Medication?”

“Not necessary. Thank goodness.”

“What a relief.” Alex sighed.

“You can say that again.”

“What’d you decide on?”

“CBT and the latter.”

“Sounds great.”

“Sounds perfect.” Zack said.

“Yeah.”

“You hungry? I can make something.”

“Or we could order something and watch tv until it gets here.”

“That works for me.”

“Me too.” Alex agreed.

I shut my eyes and fell asleep before he ordered food; I was content, but with me, it probably won’t last. I just hope things get back to normal sooner rather than later.

Notes