Infinity

A week-and-a-half later passed and it was Saturday. I was relieved as I had been participating in cognitive behavioral therapy along with radiation treatment; I was exhausted physically as well as emotionally. Sure, feeling both ways was nothing new, but therapy hadn't been thrown into the pot until about a week after that initial appointment with a specialist, and it’s worse. Pouring your heart out to a complete stranger was something I had never done before and I felt overwhelmed.

“Hey.” Alex said, kissing my cheek.

I was preparing to do yoga or at least attempt. I turned around and kissed him, pressing my forehead against his.

“Hey.”

“Trying to get into your old routine, I assume?”

I have always enjoyed practicing yoga in the morning.

“Yeah. I miss it so much. I just haven’t felt like doing it since treatment started.”

“Until now?”

“I guess so.”

I am still unsure of myself, but how much can I change in eleven days?

“Want some company?”

“Not today. Maybe another day.”

He nodded and walked away. Unsurprisingly, I wasn't fully content like I used to be, but it was progress. I turned back to my yoga mat and got on my knees, starting with child’s pose; I stretched my arms and looked down. I stayed there for a few moments before moving on to the next which would the second of traditional poses for a basic practice. That pose was downward facing dog and I was now in a ‘v’ formation with my ass in the air.

By the time I reached my sixth pose out of ten, tree pose which was a balancing pose with my left foot against my right leg, I was feeling tired. I figured I would be fine with one more before stopping, but that was not the case. A few seconds after I was in position, I lost my balance and fell to the ground, hurting myself in the process. My wrists were sore as I tried to break my fall along with my right hip.

“Fuck.”

Years ago, when I decided to try yoga, I was unbalanced in some poses including this one, but since then I have not had trouble with poses that dealt with balance; so, to me, this was a mystery. I heard footsteps along with my name as I tried to get up without hurting myself more.

“Are you okay?” Zack said, kneeling in front of me.

Alex was beside him.

“I’m fine. I tried doing tree pose despite me being tired-”

“Why would you risk hurting yourself?

“I’ve done this pose countless times. I figured I’d be fine. Not to mention, I was gonna stop after that.”

“Need some help?” Alex asked.

He helped me up and I leaned against him.

“Guess this means that I should nap. Right? I only got halfway through my practice and I fell because of how tired I was feeling.”

“You don’t wanna get checked out?” he asked concernedly.

“No. All I have are sore wrists and probably a bruised hip.”

“We’ll take your word for it.”

“See you guys in a bit.”

I sighed and left them to retire to our bedroom for the time being. I lifted my shirt to see if a bruise was beginning to form. I touched where I hit my hip and it definitely hurt, but a bruise was not there; there was bound to be a bruise in no time, though. I crawled into bed and covered myself up, seriously wanting company all of a sudden. I was on my stomach instead of lying on my right side like I usually do when I am home alone. I heard a knock as my eyes began to close.

“Come in.”

It was Alex.

“Mind if I join you?”

“Of course not. I was hoping for someone to join me.”

“Why didn’t you tell us before you left?” he asked, climbing into bed.

“I didn’t want to until I got under the covers. I know. That’s weird.”

“It’s fine with me. I cannot imagine what you’re going through.”

“You don’t want to. I never felt this way before. The worst I ever felt prior to this was when my parents initially rejected my relationship with you and Zack; thank goodness that has changed though.”

He pulled me into him and buried my face into his chest.

“I love you.” he said.

“I love you, too.”

He smelled wonderful and it lulled me to sleep. I was startled by a sound sometime later and I was having none of it; neither was the man who had me raveled in his arms.

“Shut up.” Alex mumbled.

“That’s what she said.” I said, hoping to get a reaction from him.

He chuckled.

“You guys hungry?” Zack asked, opening the door.

Guess that sound was actually a knock and when Alex didn’t give him an adequate response.

“Go away.” I said, not opening my eyes.

I wasn't hungry and just wanted to stay where I was at.

“Jessie, are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Alex reluctantly unraveled from me and I was left alone on the bed; clearly, he was hungry and leaving me to head to the kitchen.

“Let me be.”

“Jessie.” Alex pleaded.

I waved my hand, shooing them. I buried my face in my pillow and teared up.

“If you change your mind, let us know.”

I nodded then began crying.

It seems like every time I take one step forward, I take two steps back since my diagnosis with adjustment disorder a couple of weeks ago.

“I hate this. I hate this so fucking much.”

I was incredibly frustrated and wanted to be 100% again. I almost do not recognize myself anymore and cannot believe that Zack and Alex are able to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that is me. How long will it be until they cannot stand me? Sure, they act concerned and say they love me, but there has to be a limit; they do have their own lives after all. They cannot watch over me all the time because sooner rather than later they will be going back on tour to promote the new album and I will be home alone.

I turned on music from my nearby tablet, hitting shuffle and sighed.

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

'Cause I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa
I tried to dance with the devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It's a final mess but it's left me so empty
It's always darkest before the dawn
(Oh whoa, oh whoa)

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I'm gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

I sobbed as the lyrics and music played. Why did this song have to play out of the hundreds of songs on my tablet? An hour and a pair of bloodshot eyes later, I paused what I was listening to and got out of bed. After a trip to the bathroom, I walked downstairs, suddenly hungry.

“Hey.” Alex said.

“Hey.”

I went past the living room where Alex was and into the kitchen where Zack turned out to be; he was washing dishes so I surprised him by wrapping my arms around his middle.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” he asked, turning around.

“Better, but I’m hungry. What’d you guys eat?”

“Cheesesteaks.”

“Yum.”

I stood on my tip toes and kissed him, winding my arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me back making the kiss deeper.

“Clearly. Can I heat you up a cheesesteak?” he said, separating from my lips.

“Would you mind?”

“Not at all.”

I sat the kitchen island and watched him heat my hoagie.

“So, what has you feeling this good?” he asked turning his back to the microwave.

“I was being emotional after you guys left as per usual, especially after I started playing music. Shake It Out came on and I lost it; it was motivating.”

“Did I hear about something motivating you?” Alex said, walking in.

“A certain song I listened to day… the first one I played actually.”

Then, I went on to tell him what it was which resulted in him kissing me.

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Me too.”

I couldn’t help but smile. Today was certainly rocky, but things were truly looking up and I hope things will stay that way.

Notes

Lyrics and chapter title courtesy of Shake It Off by Florence + the Machine.