Infinity

I went to bed that night curled up next to Alex while Zack slept on the couch. Sure. Part of me felt guilty, but I couldn't fathom going to sleep with him lying on the opposite side of the mattress. It was eight in the morning when I woke up, but I would’ve much rather slept in than get out of bed. I stayed up and slowly but surely headed to the bathroom and showered. When I was getting dressed, I heard my name being called.

“Good morning.” I said, turning toward Alex.

“Good morning.” he said, kissing me.

I smiled after kissing him back.

“How are you feeling about today?”

“A bit anxious. I wanna get this started, but it's a little nerve-wracking.”

I was holding his hands at this point.

“The faster this starts, the faster your radiation treatment will go.”

“I know.”

“I’m gonna shower. I’ll see you soon.”

I nodded and let him go. I was putting on yoga pants when I heard the bedroom door open.

“Hey, Jessi.”

I sighed.

“Hey.” I said in a quiet voice.

“Is Alex in the shower?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you?”

It felt so awkward and I didn't like it at all. He sat next to me and placed a hand on my own, hoping I would take it; after a few moments, I did and tears began running down my face.

“What’s wrong?”

I shook my head as he removed his hand then wrapped an arm around my waist pulling me in; I didn't pull away and didn't know why.

“Jessi-” he started to say.

I heard the bathroom door open and heard Alex's voice.

“What happened?”

I assumed he was speaking to Zack.

“I don’t know. I was about to ask her.”

I snuggled into his shoulder. Alex kneeled in front of me.

“You’re worrying us, babe.”

“I’m not allowed to be emotional?”

“Of course you are. We just want to know why.” Zack replied.

“When Zack touched my hand, I intertwined our fingers and lost it.”

“Well, today is also a big day.”

“Emotions overload. Could you grab me a tissue?” I said.

Alex walked away in search of a box of tissues. Once he found them, he sat down and handed me one.

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?” I asked.

“I love you, too.”

“Do you still love me?” Zack asked.

“Absolutely.” I said, bringing him in for a kiss.

“I love you, too.”

“Could you promise me something?”

“Yeah. What is it?”

“Don’t talk to me the way you did yesterday. I cannot put up with that ever again.”

“I promise.”

“Thank you.”

After a moment, Zack headed to the bathroom for a shower while I put a shirt. A half-hour later, we were on our way to the clinic where my treatments would take place. I leaned into Alex as we walked inside the building. I stepped up to the main desk and waited for a receptionist.

“Hi. I’m Jessilyn Townshed. I’m here for my first radiation treatment.” I said, brushing my hair out of my face.

Zack and Alex stood behind me as I signed in then I waited for my name to be called.

“Jessilyn?”

They kissed each of my cheeks and I left. I headed to a room where I removed my bra but was able to leave my pants on. I put on a gown and entered a different room where my treatment was to take place. I laid down on a machine as they spoke to me.

I hate this.

I was lying there for about a half-hour with only my thoughts; one being, I can not wait to move and be with my men. When I was done, I changed and went to speak with my doctor about my next appointment which would be the same time tomorrow through Friday. I smiled once I saw Zack and Alex sitting in the waiting room.

“Hey there, strangers.”

You beautiful, beautiful strangers.

“Hey.” Alex said, walking over.

Zack wasn’t far behind. I got a hug from each of them.

“How’d it go?” the latter asked.

“Good. I guess. It was so boring just lying there.”

“Ready to leave?”

“Yeah.”

“Wanna go out somewhere for breakfast?” Alex asked.

A smile grew on my face.

“Absolutely.”

We went to my favorite place for breakfast. I ordered a large stack of blueberry pancakes with a side of hash browns and an egg over medium.

“Someone’s hungry.” Alex said from across the booth.

“I just couldn’t get myself to eat anything before we left, except for a glass of chocolate milk.”

"Well, I'm glad you have your appetite back." Zack said.

I smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Me too."

When my food arrived, I immediately dug in causing my partners to laugh. I shook my head and continued to eat.

“How are you feeling about going back the rest of the week?” Alex asked near the end of breakfast.

“Okay, I guess. It’s just so much silence and I’m by myself. It's one thing to be with you guys and have silence, but there, it's like when you two are out with the rest of ATL.”

I sighed and frowned.

“Please don’t get all gloomy on us. We hate seeing you that way.”

“Sorry.” I said, trying to smile.

I took one last bite and set my fork dowń. I didn't bother looking up because I didn't want to feel their stares.

“Jessi? Is everything okay?”

“I’m just gonna head to the car. Excuse me.”

Alex scooted so I could get out of the booth while Zack handed me the keys; they didn't say anything and to be quiite honest, I was thankful. I sat in the front passenger seat and turned on the car and immediately started to find the proper music to listen to. I relaxed into the seat and shut my eyes; I wasn't all that tired to be quite honest, but for some reason I needed to have at least a moment to myself.

They must be worried. What a surprise.

Shut up, Jessi. Just relax.

I heard the doors open less than ten minutes later, but I didn’t open my eyes.

“Jessi?” Alex asked.

I opened my eyes, but I kept my gaze away from him.

“I just wanna go home.”

“Of course.”

He put the car in drive and we left; I stayed in the same position the entire way home.They didn’t say a thing until I walked up to our bedroom and laid on our bed.

“Did we do something? Say something?” Zack asked.

I remained silent. Alex crawled onto the bed and attempted to wrap his arms around me; I shrugged him off, much to my dismay.

“What’s wrong?”

“Goodnight.” I said before shutting my eyes.

I heard sighs from the both of them and they left.

“If you need us, let us know.”

“I’m sure I won’t.”

I let tears run down my face as I cried myself to sleep.

Alex asked the same question I wanted answered.

What’s wrong with me?

I woke three hours later, but I did not want to get out of bed. I just wanted to lie there and be alone; there's no way they’re going to be fine with and they will be back. My phone buzzed and I opened up my phone and saw a text from Zack.

We’re worried. Please let us in. We love you by the way. ❤️

I started crying all over again as tears dropped on my pillow one by one. I love them, but why the fuck am I acting like this toward the most important people in my life?

Sure.

I sent out a simple text and wondered how they would respond. I found out not even a minute later.

“Jessi?” I heard from the person who texted me.

I wouldn't even look at him.

“Hey.” I said in a monotone voice.

He and Alex made their way onto our bed, so I moved to the middle of the mattress.

“We just wanna know what’s going on.” Alex said from my right.

“So would I. I can’t have any symptoms yet, so what is this? It's not normal.”

“I agree... we agree. It needs to be addressed.”

“After treatment, though. That's my top priority.”

“Your total health is top priority. Your mental health is included in that, you know.” Zack said.

“Yeah.” I said, looking up at them.

I sat up and leaned up against the bed frame which is where they laid their heads on my shoulders.

“I love you guys.” I said in tears.

I hoped we would get to the bottom sooner rather than later because this cannot go own during my treatment; it will only make my well-being worse than it already is.

Notes