Infinity

I was desperately hoping for quick results, but as a week passed, I was literally ready to vomit; I just want my fucking results. I poured myself a glass of water before I started to make a simple lunch for everyone aka shrimp pad thai, a dish that I hoped I would be able to eat. The guys have been absolutely wonderful over this past week taking care of me and keeping me occupied. I was about to finish when I felt Zack's arms around my waist.

"Hi."

"Hi." I said, touching his hands.

"How you feeling?"

"Nauseous.”

“You feeling sick? I can finish this if-“

“Zack, you know why I feel this way. It’s been over a week.”

“You know that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s cancerous though.”

I turned around and faced him.

“Yeah. I do, but I can’t stand waiting anymore. I can’t even do yoga... well, the physically demanding part of it which is most of the practice, to keep me distracted. I miss it.”

“I know you do and you love it.”

“Yes. I do.”

I buried my face into his chest.

“Is everything okay?” Alex said.

“Not really. I can’t stand waiting; it’s pretty much making me sick.”

He made a face and kissed the top of my head.

“Let me finish.” Zack said.

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

I kissed him.

“Thank you.”

Before I could leave the kitchen, my phone rang; it was the hospital.

“Hello?”

“Is this Jessalyn Townshed?”

“This is her.”

Everyone paused.

“We took our time with your biopsy and we’re gonna need you to come in to talk about your results.”

Fuck. This is not what I wanted to happen.

“When?”

“Is Friday too early?”

My heart is racing.

“No. Or course not.”

After giving a time, I had every intention of sitting down, but I was frozen.

“What’d they say?” Alex asked.

“They need me to come in. Friday.”

That’s not a good sign.

“That’s two days from now...”

Move, Jessie.

“Jessie.” Zack said, but I was already gone.

“I’m gonna go meditate.”

“Aren’t you hungry?”

I didn’t answer. Instead, I just grabbed my mat and headed outside where it was peaceful and sat down. I did a couple of breathing exercises to calm myself and clear my mind, but they hardly worked as there too much going on in my head. An hour later, I walked back inside and into the kitchen to get my lunch and a drink. I sat down at the kitchen island and managed to eat.

“Baby.”

It was Alex. I didn’t even look up at him.

“Talk to me. Talk to us.”

He reached for my hand, and for some reason, I let him intertwine his fingers with my mine.

“I love you.” he said.

“I love you, too.” I whispered.

“Can I get you anything?”

“My results.”

A tear dropped into my lunch.

“Wish I could do that for you.”

I nodded.

“How about I eat and lie on the couch with you guys?”

“I love that. I’ll be in there in a few.”

“Ok.” he said before kissing me on the forehead.

He then went back into the living room.

“How is she?” I overheard.

“Not good.”

Not good at all.

Two days later, all three of us were on our way to get my results. I couldn’t help but just look out the window. I didn’t even realize we arrived there until I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see Zack.

“We’re here.”

I nodded and got out of the car. I was still silent as I sat in the waiting room. When I heard my name, I leaned into Alex as entered the room I needed to be in. Since there were only two seats, he decided to stand.

“Mrs. Townshed.” my doctor said, shaking my hand.

“Hi. These are my partners Alex and Zack.”

They introduced themselves.

“Now, we thoroughly looked through your biopsy and discovered what was going on. Your lump was malignant. I’m sorry, but you have breast cancer.”

Please tell me this is a dream... a horrible, horrible dream.

“What stage?”

Zack rubbed his thumb over and over again on my left hand.

“We think it’s Stage 2B, which means that lump you had removed was five centimeters and probably spread to less than four axillary lymph nodes. You need further testing to determine the stage to be sure and to set up a plan.”

AKA the lymph nodes you have under your armpit. Seeing as I’m a well-versed yoga instructor, I know a significant amount about the human body; your lymphatic system is quite important.

He suggested further testing including a CT scan which was to see how far the cancer spread, if at all.

“Now, if this is true, I’m recommending radiation. One of the main side effects is fatigue...

I was set up with an oncologist and my first appointment was going to be on Monday. This may be shallow, but at least I wouldn’t be losing any hair other than armpit hair which is the only other plus if I had radiation.

“I get to have fatigue and nausea. How wonderful is that?” I said, not letting go of either Zack or Alex’s hand.

“This cancer doesn’t know who they’re messing with.” Alex said causing me to laugh.

“He’s absolutely right. You know?” Zack said.

I continued to smile. This cancer can go fuck itself. When we got home, I knew that I had to call my parents, but that didn’t mean I was necessarily ready to do that.

“It’s a Friday. What do ya wanna do?” Alex asked, pulling me into his lap.

His hands went up and down my back and engaging me into a kiss.

“Well, I want to have sex, but I guess I’m just gonna settle for making out.”

“I have no objections.” he said reattaching my lips to mine.

“I think you should call your parents.” Zack butted in.

I gave him the middle finger, not even bothering to look at him.

“Jessie...”

He sighed and walked away. Part of me felt bad, but I didn’t care at the moment; I just wanted to be happy and that’s exactly what was happening because soon I wouldn't be.

“You remember the first time you were in my lap like this? Of course, we were naked and I had my hands on your ass... like this.”

He suddenly grabbed my ass which caused me to moan.

“You can’t have me moaning. You know that? Right?”

“Sorry." he said, with his bottom lip out.

"That's okay. I have a feeling I’ll be myself in no time and we can have this kind of fun.”

He smiled and held onto me closer, pressing his forehead against mine causing me to smile.

“Zack is right. You know? You need to talk to your mom and dad.”

“I know. I’m just not ready. I just want him to understand that. I’m the one that’s going to go through this; it’s a difficult topic.”

“I think you should tell him today. Get him to understand.”

He’s such a sweet guy even when he appears to be a goofball.

“Okay. I’m gonna do that now. I also gave him the middle finger.”

He laughed slightly. I got off his lap and came with me and found him in our bedroom reading.

“Zack?”

He looked up for a second then went back to his book.

“I’m sorry.” I said, crawling onto the bed.

He set his book down and looked over.

"I didn't wanna be a bitch, but I want you to understand how difficult this is gonna be for me. Going through radiation soon for breast cancer and telling them this when I just reconnected with my mom and dad a month ago; that was tough enough."

"I understand. I should've understood right off the bat."

“I also shouldn’t have given you the finger.”

He pulled me top of him and wrapped his arms around me causing me to giggle.

“I love you.” he said.

“I love you, too.”

Notes