Failure’s not flattering
It was the weekend and I was sat in the garden with Hallie and with mum on the decking in her wheelchair and we was all just enjoying the sun.
“Is mummy going to get better?” Hallie said and I smiled at her as I tucked some hair behind her ear.
“Mum is very poorly and with what mum has wrong with her she isn’t going to get better. If anything she’s going to be getting worse.” I said as Hallie moved and sat between my legs facing me as she frowned at the bubbles mixture as she tried to blow bubbles.
“And dad? He coming back?” Hallie asked as she looked at me and I shook my head and Hallie looked down again.
“Hey, we don’t need him. You’ve got me and I hope I keep those monsters away at night.” I said and Hallie smiled as she nodded.
“Good, I’ll be back in a second. I need to check on Mum.” I said as I moved and stood up and walked over to Mum.
“You okay mum?” I asked and mum looked at me and smiled which meant she was okay which was a good thing and I turned round and sat with Hallie and we messed around with the bubbles.
“I go and blow bubbles for mum.” Hallie said as she stood up and walked round me and ran towards mum and I turned round and watched her and it made me smile.
I had to do some shopping so I took Hallie and mum with me which could prove to be a bit of a challenge but I was up for a challenge today if any of them decided to give me a challenge.
We got to the shops and Hallie knew that she had to get the trolley so she got me a trolley and she watched me as I put it on mums wheelchair.
“We can’t get a lot Okay because I haven’t been paid yet and I don’t have a lot of money.” I said to Hallie and she frowned at me.
“If your really good I might let you get a comic, how about that?” I asked and Hallie smiled and signed sweets in makaton.
“Maybe.” I said and Hallie pouted at me.
“You pout at me and you won’t get anything.” I said and Hallie sighed loudly as we walked into the shop with mum say jibber in both English, Arabic and I think at some point in her life she learnt another language as there was some words I didn’t understand.
“You don’t eat this! It’s not killed in the right way.” Mum said loudly as she threw the bacon Hallie got out the trolley and Hallie just picked it up and moved it away from mum.
“It is killed in the right way.” I said telling her a white lie as she isn’t going to remember at the end of the day.
“Fucking foreign shit never as good as the food at home.” Mum said and I knew she was on about Lebanon as that where she lived until I was born and then the seeker alyssum in America.
“Well this is America and not Lebanon.” I said and looked at Hallie who was signing pig to everyone which made me smile.
“Who’s that small thing?” Mum asked and pointed to Hallie.
“That’s Hallie, Hallie is your daughter.” I said as Hallie turned round and I turned my noise up as she had snot running out of her nose.
“Come here Hallie and let’s wipe your nose.” I said and Hallie nodded as she skipped over and stood in front off me as I knelt down and wiped her nose.
“Give your nose a good blow.” I said as I put the tissue over her nose and Hallie blew her nose.
“Feel better for that now?” I asked and Hallie nodded which made me smile.
“What’s next on our shopping list then?” I asked as I showed Hallie the shopping list and even if she didn’t know the word she always knew it in makaton.
‘Milk’. Hallie sighed and I nodded as I put my thumbs up which meant good.
“That’s it lead the way to the milk then.” I said as I followed Hallie to the milk.
After an hour and mum being really difficult and Hallie only having one tantrum, we was home and I was unpacking the shopping after I put Mum him her arm chair and Hallie was happy reading her new comic she had gotten.
The door bell went and I quickly walked over to it and opened the door to see my sister who I hardly see much off and Hallie has no idea who she is was stood on the door step.
“Hey there Bro.” Ella said happily as she pulled me into a hug which I returned and pulled back as I looked at her.
“What the hell are you doing here!? You haven’t showed your face here for the last 4 years!” I said loudly and Ella sighed as she looked at me and grabbed hold of my chin and looked at me.
“You haven’t been sleeping much by the bag under those eyes.” Ella said and I pushed her hand away from my chin.
“That’s because I’ve been looking after our sick mother and our sister who has fucking Down’s syndrome! Now can you understand why I have bags under my fucking eyes!” I spat and Ella rolled her eyes at me.
“You could of put her in a home Jack. She hardly remembers any of us anyway.” Ella said and I had to bite my tongue.
“She hasn’t got long left Ella, the doctor said she has maybe a year left in her. I a, fucked if I have spent the last 5 years looking after her only to put her in a home which she doesn’t know, that’s not fair on her.” I said and Ella sighed loudly.
“You didn’t have to play the hero Jack.” Ella said.
“Well someone fucking had to, you know since you and Josh both walked out on us when I was 12 years old and then dad fucking beat me and mum up and he just left as well, so no I didn’t play the fucking hero, I was fucking made to be that person who stays here and looks after Hallie and mum.” I said really losing my cool as I was tired and was pretty much due my afternoon snooze but couldn’t have it because of Ella and I was also hungry but didn’t want to eat anything as there wasn’t much in the house even after shopping.
“Well it looks like I’m staying here then.” Ella said and I frowned at her.
“You are a stranger to mum, fuck even I’m a stranger to mum these days and Hallie doesn’t even know who you are.” I said and Ella frowned at me.
“What you hiding Jack? I’m a bloody nurse you should be going ‘yes come and help me’ not pushing me away.” Ella said and I sighed loudly.
“I have coped on my own for the last 5 years and within those 5 years I have witnessed so fucking horrible things and so many changes to Mum. If I can cope through that then I can cope now so leave us alone.” I said and I went to turn round and Ella caught hold of my arm which I had to avoid wincing at.
“What you going to do when mum dies? Hm, you will be a 17 year old drop out who will have no life ahead of him because you was too busy looking after a woman who couldn’t give 2 shits about you! Jack she never cared about any off us and we are the normal ones so what is she like with Hallie? She doesn’t even know who Hallie is because Hallie isn’t like me, you or Josh. Are you seriously going to waste your life on a person like that when you have me who has their life and I can look after mum.” Ella said and I looked down.
I heard the back door open and I looked up and saw Hallie and smiled at her as she walked over and I felt Ella let go of my arm and I picked Hallie up.
“Who that?” Hallie asked.
“This is your older sister Ella. She’s going to stay with us and help us look after mum.” I said and Hallie looked at Ella long and hard.
“Mum had a accident.” Hallie whispered in my ear and I smiled and nodded at her.
“Okay, I’ll be there in a second.” I said and kissed Hallie cheek and put her down and she walked back towards the door.
“She’s even more adorable now then when she was a baby.” Ella said and I smiled.
“Hope you are in tune with Arabic as mother has gone back to her mother tongue.” I said and Ella groaned as she followed me into the house.
As much as having Ella around annoyed me, but it was nice to have some company of someone that wasn’t a 5 year old or a woman who couldn’t remember what day she was on.
“So have you met anyone?” Ella asked as she handed me a beer and I gave her a cigarette and we both sat on the front porch.
“Nope, don’t have the time with mum and Hallie.” I said quietly.
“You still saying your bisexual or you saying your straight or a gay boy these days.” Ella said and I chuckled.
“Well I have come to the conclusion that I’m not bisexual but in fact I’m gay, so if you know any cute guys who are gay and single kindly send them in my direction.” I said and Ella chuckled.
“I’ll see what I can do.” Ella said and I smiled as I looked down.
“Have you thought anymore about mums end of life?” Ella asked and I sighed and shook my head.
“Nope, But I want her home and I want a DNR put into place as it’s no life for her if she’s ready to go then she’s ready to go.” I said and Ella pulled me into her side and she kissed the top of my head.
“Since when did you get all grown up about life?” Ella asked quietly and I just shrugged my shoulders.
“Right you, you have school tomorrow. I’ll look after mum during the time you are at school and I’ll help you the rest of the time.” Ella said and I moved away from her and looked at her.
“Since when did you care?” I asked quietly.
“Since I’m not letting my little brother waste his life away by dropping out of school. You have a brain Jack and I’m not letting you waste it!” Ella said seriously and I just nodded as I looked down.
“Jacky I know it’s hard. But I’m here now and I’ll support you in every way that I can.” Ella said and I looked at her hard.
“You have no fucking clue Ella. You think you can just swan into our lives after not being here for 5 years! It’s not going to happen Ella, this is my life and I will choose what I want to do with it and if I want to waste my life then let me waste my fucking life!” I said loudly as I stood up and walked off.
“Jack where you going?” Ella called after me.
“For a walk!” I said loudly and carried on walking to the park which was close by.
I was sat on the swings something when I heard the gate open and shut again.
“Thought this was my hiding spot.” Someone said and I looked up and saw it was Alex and he sat on the swing next to mine.
“It’s a Park, It could be anyone’s hiding spot.” I said as I gently swung myself backwards and forwards.
“True, but considering its late at night and normally I’m the only one up this time of night I would say it’s my spot.” Alex said and I just rolled my eyes.
“You seem troubled.” Alex said and I looked at him.
“Well no shit Sherlock.” I said sarcastically.
“What’s the matter?” Alex asked.
“Don’t act you give a shit.” I spat as I stood up and walked out the park and headed home where Ella was still sat on the step, drinking like normal.
“You are fucking kidding me!” I said loudly.
“Lighten up Jack it’s just a beer.” Ella said as she stood up.
“That’s why you have 5 empty cans around you, Christ I’m so fucking stupid to think you have changed and was off the alcohol.” I said as I walked past her.
“Oh because your a little fucking angel.” Ella said as she had some more of her beer.
“Well considering Josh has a drug problem and your an alcoholic, dad was a abusive asshole and mum is losing her marbles so compared to everyone else in the fucked up so called family yes I am an angel.” I said loudly.
The door opened and I looked and saw Hallie.
“Jacky why you shouting?” Hallie asked and I looked at Ella.
“I’m not trusting you with mum or with Hallie.” I said seriously as I walked over to Hallie and I picked her up.
“Oh Ella, your on the sofa and you’ll listen out for Mum as well.” I said as I walked off and went upstairs.
“Who’s that lady?” Hallie asked as she climbed onto my bed and climbed into my bed on her side of the bed.
“That is our older sister Ella.” I said as I sat on the bed and Hallie frowned at me.
“Sister.” Hallie signed and I smiled and nodded.
“Right, why don’t you go and find a film for us to watch while I go and get changed.” I said and Hallie nodded and she moved and looked for a dvd while I grabbed my shorts and jumper and went to the bathroom and got ready for bed and once I did that I went back to my room and shut the door and Hallie found a dvd.
“So What we watching Then?” I asked as I climbed Onto the bed.
“Toy story.” Hallie said and I smiled as she handed me the dvd and I put the dvd on.