Sanctuary

The following week began with another day of the trial, but that ended up being the last part I'd have to attend and I was beyond relieved, but when he's convicted, I want to be there. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor whom I'll actually see at the end of the week. I'm back at work and things have calmed down a good bit even though the trial's still happening, but I recently learned that trials like this don't last all that long, so that brought me joy. Even when this is all said and done, I'll still be damaged for the rest of my life, but I don't intend on letting that rule my life; I refuse. I also refuse to not give up on my mom because I do plan on reconciling with her since she's my mother, of course; I can't lose the person who raised me all by herself with no help and succeeded. It's gonna be awfully difficult though as she really hurt me emotionally by not understanding why I was so sad when I was diagnosed with depression and therefore, I lost half of my support system as my bestie has always supported me, especially during the tough stuff. I got home at eleven on Tuesday and I was beyond exhausted, maybe the most exhausted I have ever been since I started working there. I dreamt of my bed the entire way home; when I got home Alex's car was in the driveway and the lights were out aside from the hallway ones. I took my shoes and walked into our bedroom to see a shirtless sprawled Alex across the bed, asleep.

[i]Fuck. He's so adorable. And he's mine? Are you kidding me?[/i]

After I changed and brushed my teeth, I noticed he was still lying across the bed, not allowing me room. I had to nudge his shoulder to try and get him to move, but it was not working.

[i]Damnit.[/i]

"Alex." I said close to his ear.

"Alex, move."

He groaned. Well, that's progress, right?

"Move your ass, please. I'm exhausted and not in the mood."

He actually moved, so I could get in.

"Thank you."

I was irritated, but that's nothing new. I've been like that more often than usual since that night. It'll happen out of the blue because the smallest things set me off like they never did before and I fucking hate it. Something like him being a bed hog should not ever irritate me because that's who he is if he's ever home before me. I turned on my side and faced away from him.

"Abby. I'm sorry."

He touched my shoulder as tears began running down my face.

"Goodnight, Alex."

"Goodnight, Abby."

I woke to see him walking out of the bathroom.

"Good morning." he said.

"Good morning."

There was no smile on my face, so his eyebrows furrowed and he sat down beside me.

"Are you okay? Something didn't seem right last night."

"I had another mood swing. I usually find it adorable seeing you sprawled across the bed, but last night it started with me feeling that way, then I was really irritated. I felt terrible and still do now; tears ran down my face after you apologized. I'm not okay and I apologize for being such a bitch; it's not right."

"You don't need to apologize. Trust me."

“I need some answers because this is ridiculous. I never used to be snippy like this, you know? You’ve certainly known that, right?”

“Of course. I hate seeing like you like this. It pains me to see how you’ve been since that night and how you have to deal with it every goddamn day.”

“Friday can’t come any sooner.”

Those two days just seemed to drag and when it finally came, I was anxious and eager to get fucking answers. I urged Alex to go ahead to the studio with the boys to start putting their new album together; it’s due to come out a year from now, but a lot of work needs to be done. Alex recently sent a demo of song called [i]Dirty Laundry[/i] to Jack and now things are really getting into gear. I haven’t actually heard it yet, but I want to so bad. He has written so many lyrics over the years, so I know it’s going to be amazing. I sat in the waiting room, reading a magazine for maybe ten minutes when I heard my name being called.

“Abby Shaw?”

I took a deep breath and got out of the seat and followed the nurse in. After getting my vitals checked, I waited ten more minutes for my doctor.

“Abby?”

“Hi.”

“How you’ve been feeling lately?”

“Not great. I had something very traumatic happen to me a month ago and I haven’t been the same since.”

“What’s going on?”

“I’ve been really emotional and been having mood swings that I’ve never had before. I don’t even know how my fiancée is dealing with all this. I’m beginning to think I have PTSD, actually. I did this survey online and I checked so many of the boxes.”

He nodded.

“Do you mind if you tell me what happened? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

I shook my head.

“It’s something that I don’t even care to think about. I’ve had panic attacks and woken up from nightmares, reliving what happened that night.”

I was on the verge of tears.

“Well, it sounds to me like you do have PTSD.”

[i]I wish I was wrong about this.[/i]

He continued to talk and refer me to a therapist along with prescribing me medication. He sent the script to the nearest pharmacy electronically and then, I left the office and sat in my car, waiting for the tears to stop running, so I could head into work. I stayed in the parking lot for about fifteen minutes before I started my car and left. When I pulled into the parking lot at work, it was a quarter to eleven and I was ready to start prepping, but before I could even get out of my car, Alex texted me.

[i]How’d things go at the doctor?[/i]

I sighed.

[i]I’ll tell you about it, later. Love you![/i]

[i]Ok. Love you, too.[/i]

I was so ready to tell him now, but I knew it was a conversation best saved for when we were together face-to-face. Come six o’clock, the dinner rush was coming in and that helped me get my mind off of this morning; hell, I love it when we’re busy. Jayla came back into the kitchen fifteen minutes later and quickly spoke to me.

“Guess who’s out here?”

"Who?"

“Alex and his bandmates.”

I smiled.

“That’s a surprise. He didn’t tell me they were gonna do that.”

I shook my head.

“Did Alex order the usual? Filet mignon medium rare, a baked potato and a garden salad with ranch dressing?” I asked knowingly.

“You certainly know your man.”

“Tell him his fiancée said hi.”

“Will do. Hey, I gotta go.”

“Ok, hun.”

She came back fifteen minutes later to pick up food and then was back less than five minutes later.

“Alex said hi.” she said quickly before leaving again.

Come nine o’clock, I got off work and headed straight home looking forward to seeing my beloved.

“Hi, honey.” I said, walking over to him.

“Hi, babe.”

“How was your dinner? Was it cooked to your liking?”

He laughed.

“Delicious and yes. It was perfect. Was it you that prepared it?” he said before kissing me.

I kissed him back.

“Actually, it was. I also knew your order without even looking at it. Whose idea was it to head to where I work?”

“Jack’s actually. Late in the afternoon, he suggested it and I agreed wholeheartedly.”

“Gotta thank him. I loved that you guys were there. I love them like family.”

He smiled.

“Anyway, how’d your visit go?”

“Well, I figured out what’s going on with me. I have PTSD.” I said, making a face.

He made a face as well and we sat down on the couch.

“I hate hearing that.” he said.

“Me too. I mean, it’s what I suspected, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt any less getting the diagnosis any more. I was prescribed meds and I have to see a therapist.”

I laid my head back and shook my head.

“Did you tell him?”

“I couldn’t bring myself to and he said that was okay. I just said that something very traumatic happened a month ago. He took my word for it and I’m thankful for that.”

I turned my head to see his response.

“Glad you got answers. I just hate that you have to go on meds and see a therapist.”

“Thanks, Alex. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Abby.”

He hugged me and pulled me down onto his chest.

Notes