Sanctuary

Today’s the beginning of the trial and I’m still not prepared. It’s not exactly necessary for me to attend the first day, but it just felt right. Alex and I are about to leave the house and my heart is beating a million miles a minute. I’m sitting on the bed, ready to puke with my head in my hands and I don’t wanna move.

“Abby. You okay?” he said, placing his hands on my shoulders.

I gave him a look.

“Of course not. Stupid question.”

“I feel like I’m gonna puke. I don’t even know how I ate breakfast this morning or if I’ll be able to keep it down.”
“Anything I can do?”

“Not really. Just be my side.”

“I can do that.” he said, smiling.

“I love you, Alex.”

“I love you, Abby.”

He kissed me and put his forehead against mine.

“We should go. If you’re ready, that is.”

“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Ok.”

He gently took my hand and I rose off the bed, picking up my purse that was on the floor and walked with him to head to the car. I didn’t drive as I knew that there was no way I could even focus on driving to the courthouse if I was feeling all sorts of fucked up. Walking in there, my hand was closed tightly into his, not wanting to ever let go. I sat down in the actual courtroom the trial was to take place in the middle row on the left side away from him. When I saw him walk in, I was ready to bawl and I proceeded to bury my face into Alex’s neck in hopes that the tears wouldn’t come running down my face. He noticed immediately where I looked and looked himself; I then felt his lips at the top of my head.

“You saw him?” I asked.

“Unfortunately.” he said with anger in his voice.

It was anger in his voice that I rarely hear and hate.

“Oh, and you’re right. He doesn’t have anything on me.”

I let out a laugh.

“A little conceited, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, but I see no problem in it.”

“Neither do I.”

A moment later, the bailiff asked everyone in the courtroom to rise for the judge and then the judge spoke once he walked in himself and sat down.

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen, we’re hear today to call the case of the People of the State of California v. Lawrence Mars. Are both parties ready to proceed?”

[i]Lawrence. You don’t hear that name much anymore, but unfortunately, you see ugly and disgusting fuckers like him everyday.[/i]

Once everyone sat back down, he took a quick look at me and smirked causing me to squeeze Alex’s hand even harder.

“Your honor, I would like to give the jury an overview of the case I’d like to present. It’s a case of a young woman who was just having a night of celebration with her friends, celebrating her friend’s birthday and her new job. Toward the end of night, she was followed, make that stalked the victim outside and attacked her in one of the worst ways possible. She was sexually violated and hurt and will never get that innocence back...”

She’s right, I will never get that innocence back.

“Your honor, I can’t imagine what this woman was thinking, but I know that there are women who love it rough and this sounds like what happened between my client and the victim was exactly that and consensual, I must add.”

I was angry and internally growled.

[i]Yeah. I like it rough, but it doesn’t mean that what happened between us was a consensual act.[/i]
When asked if he pleaded guilty or not guilty, he proudly pleaded not guilty which disgusted me. I didn’t have to testify today, but in the next part of it, I would.

“How are you feeling?” Alex asked.

“I’m feeling like I wanna rip that smug look off his fucking face.”

“You and me both.”

“Let’s get out of here. I need out of here.”

I was hot and sweaty and fucking miserable.

“Yeah. Let’s get you into the air conditioning.”

I continued to hold his hand and keep from crying until we reached his car. I bursted out in tears when I got in and hit the dashboard of his car hard with my hand before putting my head back into my hands like I did earlier this morning.

“Abby.” he asked placing his hand on my shoulder.

I was breathing heavily.

[i]Oh God, if I was feeling like this the first day, what’s it gonna be like when I have to testify?[/i]

“Can we please go home?”

I didn’t even look at him.

“Of course.”

He put the car into drive and we left. I walked into the house and went straight to our bedroom and collapsed onto our bed and into my pillow. I heard the bed move as Alex crawled onto it and beside me.

“I love you.” he whispered.

He didn’t ask if I was okay or if he could do anything; he just said that he loves me and that is exactly what I needed in that moment.

“I love you, too. Will you take a nap with me?”

“I always will.”

I smiled.

“Hold me.”

I turned to the right in a position I rarely slept in and he turned as well in order to wrap his arms around me. I took a big breath and sighed before I shut my eyes and fell asleep. I woke up with his arms still around me which I was hoping for. This may sound pathetic, but I was thankful because I didn't want him to leave me unless he absolutely needed to.

"Alex, you awake?" I whispered.

"Yeah."

"How long?"

"For a couple minutes. I know this may sound creepy, but I couldn't fathom leaving you here by yourself."

"I wanted you here when I woke up."

I turned around and faced him, looking straight into his eyes.

"Do you realize how much you mean to me?" I asked him.

He shook his head.

"You mean the world to me and I don't know what I'd do without you quite honestly, especially in his horrendous and unimaginable situation I'm in that I wouldn't wish on anybody. Thank you for being my anchor, Alex."

He blushed.

"I couldn't imagine a life without you. You're the strongest person I've ever met and as much as you hate being so vulnerable now, it's one of the worst situations anyone could possibly be in and you're allowed to feel that way. Hell, I don't know how I'd even handle it. You're amazing, Abby Shaw."

This man makes me feel all sorts of emotions at almost any given moment between us. I crashed my lips onto his hoping for a response and boy, did I get one.

"Can I tell you something? Well, a few things actually."

"Of course."

"Actually, just one thing. Those other two things are about what happened today and I’d rather talk about something positive. That other shit can fucking wait.”

“What is this positive thing you wish to talk about?”

I laughed.

“It happened on the day I had a panic attack. I was getting dressed when I heard singing in the kitchen; it was you of course and I’d rather play it, actually.”

“You recorded it?”

“Here.” I said once I found the clip.

[i]. Instead of still being in bed like I thought, he was in the kitchen; I could hear him singing and boy, I fucking love that voice of his. What the man was singing was absolutely beautiful; he was singing [b]Hallelujah[/b] by Leonard Cohen. It was certainly one of the last songs I have ever expected to hear him sing, nor a song All Time Low would ever play. I immediately grabbed my phone and walked toward the kitchen, more specifically the end of the hallway to videotape him. Luckily, he was only seconds into the beautiful song and I got to tape this moment. When he was done singing, I dashed back into the bedroom to get dressed.[/i]

“I can’t believe you caught that moment.”

There was a look of wonder on his face.

“I love that song and hearing you sing it made it that much more wonderful and special.”

I had tears in my eyes that Alex quickly wiped away.

“Mind if I post it? On YouTube?”

“You can post it on our page or Hopeless Records if you’d like.”

“I could?” I asked incredulously.

“You wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course not, but if you don’t, let me know.”

“I’ll let you know. Can I play it again?” I asked excitedly.

“Go right ahead.”

We moved, so we were sitting next to each other and I pressed play again as I melted into this moment.

Notes