Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

It was a weird feeling.
I spent most of that afternoon talking to the guys about nothing in particular. With Alex. With my friend Alex. It was so strange to be able to do that. To be able to hang out with the guys like nothing had ever happened. I didn’t feel on edge, I didn’t feel worried about where my next meltdown would come from, nothing.
It didn’t go over so well with John.
“Where have you been?” he asked, glancing up from the book in his hands. It wasn’t accusatory, it was a genuine curiosity. He was interested and wanted to know how my day had been and what I'd gotten up to. Honestly, I felt my heart flutter. He was adorable.
“Just with the guys. Jack and the others had lunch but they caught me on their way back.” I smiled, sitting myself next to him. His brow twitched into a frown as he placed his book down slowly, doing what I considered to be his biggest flaw and turning the corner of the page over to mark his spot.
“’Caught you’? Didn’t you go out to meet up with him?” Out of nowhere, I felt guilty. I had reconciled with Alex to allow myself to move on and work out what exactly I felt for John, and yet telling him I’d been hanging out with my ex-boyfriend alone for an hour of the day felt like a betrayal regardless. He nudged me slightly, reminding me I had yet to answer him. He knew by now, of course, that I most certainly had not gone out to meet up with Jack.
“No. I, uh- I went to talk to Alex.”
To the untrained eye, John looked unfazed. To the girl who had a history of upsetting him without realising what she was doing, he was somewhere between pissed off, disappointed and just generally hurt by what I had just told him. I'd spent so long unconsciously irritating him by moping over Alex, or even pushing him away consciously over Alex, that this look was uncomfortably familiar. I was the worst friend to him.
“Oh.”
“It’s not what you think,” I assured him. “After everything we went through together, I figured I owed it to myself to get some answers from him. It wasn’t fair on Jack or you guys for the two of us to be at each other’s throats constantly, so I thought I’d be the bigger man.” He continued to not look at me, telling me my explanation was not enough. He wasn’t happy. I couldn’t help but blame him. My explanation should have been enough for him. I did this for him. What did the dirty details matter? “We’re gonna be civil. For Jack.”
“Good to know.” I scowled as he picked his book back up and did his best impression of disinterested, normal John. What had happened to that understanding best friend I’d had a week ago? Had Alex’s presence somehow infected him? Turned him into some sort of jealous boyfriend-who-wasn’t-a-boyfriend? Ugh, this was confusing.
“Well, if you’re gonna get all butthurt about it, I guess I’ll go get ready for tonight.” My scowl worsened as he remained silent, stalking off to my bunk and my bags to get ready for tonight.
“Holly!” The boys grinned from their bunks, all of whom were hanging around, seemingly chatting to one another about nothing and ignorant of John and I’s spat. I smiled back at them, pushing it all under the surface. “How’s it goin’? Where ya been?”
“It’s good. Went to see Jack and the guys.” I threw myself into my bunk, looking over at Pat, Garrett and Kennedy in the bunks opposite mine, while Jared was in the next bunk over from my own. It was vaguely comfy here and it was good to sit and talk to the boys about nothing.
I heard a series of ‘ooh’s from the four boys around me and rolled my eyes. ‘Ooh’ had no place here.
“Are you leaving us already?” Jared laughed. “I mean, here we are doing you a huge favour and allowing you to be on tour with us, and you’re running away already? That shit hurts.”
“Fuck off,” I laughed. “You didn’t ‘allow’ me to come, you begged me. And I’ve known Jack longer than any of you, I’m allowed to go visit.”
“Just remember, we love you best and you have to go home with us at the end of this tour.”
“You sure? My parents would take me back in a heartbeat.” The boys feigned shock and pain at my words and I laughed once more.
“Please. John would drive out there and drag you home kicking and screaming.” The scowl returned to my face at his name. Apparently, if I went anywhere near my old life, John’s tactic would be to abandon me, not chase after me.
“Oops. Lovers spat?” Pat asked, raising an eyebrow at me.
“Lovers would imply we weren’t just friends, Pat.”
“You’re joking, right?”
“Yeah, I mean, we know for a fact you and John have been making doe eyes for at least two years now,” Kennedy responded.
“Well, we are friends. Best friends. Don’t need a boyfriend who won’t let me speak to people he doesn’t like.” I shrugged in my bunk. I didn’t like to lie to these boys, despite how easily I’d kept Jack and Alex and everyone back home from them. Lies were difficult, silence was easy. Another round of ‘ooh’s issued around me and I was forced to roll my eyes again.
“Whatcha do?”
“Me? What did he do more like.” I huffed in my bunk, turning onto my back and staring at the bunk above my own, where John usually slept. That irritated me more. “All I did was talk to Alex. That’s it. Now he’s all huffy and not talking to me.” I didn’t need to look at the boys to know that they were exchanging glances about my words. They would take it as they wanted, I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.
“You know,” Jared started slowly, “he’s a sensitive guy.” I snorted, trying not to bite back at him. “He’s had a thing for you since forever. It’s not like I’m spilling any big bombshell here, we know you know, he knows you know.”
“And, well, let’s face it, you’ve been hung up on Alex the entire time we’ve known you, right?” Pat continued, taking over when Jared left a small silence. “He knows that better than you know that sometimes.”
“The point we’re trying to make is, you’ve been getting closer than ever to him, and he was starting to get his hopes up,” Kennedy tried to explain. I felt like they’d synchronised this speech before I even walked through the doors earlier. They were taking over from each other quite smoothly. We’d never really sat down and talked about John and I before, instead they’d made jokes at our expense. Sometimes I forgot they could be deep when they wanted to be. “He hasn’t said anything to us, but we can tell. And then in you walk, after two years of hating a guy, and tell him you’ve been hanging out alone and you’re friends again now?”
“How did you-?”
“Please, Holly, you and John don’t have quiet arguments. We hear everything on this damn bus.” I scowled at Garrett, but had to admit he had a point. I could do with toning my normal speaking voice down a few decibels, never mind when I was annoyed or flustered in any way.
“That being said,” Kennedy butted back in, trying to finish his point, “he’s not annoyed. He’s scared you’re going to up and decide that you’re still in love with this Alex kid and run back to him when he’s finally starting to think he has a real chance.” I squirmed uncomfortably, finally looking over at the three boys I could see, all of whom were staring at me. I knew they were right, and I didn’t need to be annoyed at him for the way he was acting, but I couldn’t help it.
“But I didn’t do it for Alex,” I sighed. “I did it for him. Taking all my pent up shit out on Alex is making me finally see what I didn’t want to admit. I figured talking to him would only make things better and let me see how whatever the fuck I’m feeling right now is going to play out.”
“We get it, but that’s because we’re sitting here watching the two of you. Hell, the three of you. John sees what he least wants to see, and I can’t blame him.” I squirmed again, feeling the dig they were making about the way I’d treated their best friend for the last two years. I was shitty. So fucking shitty.
“I get it. I’m an asshole.”
“No, you’re not,” Pat assured me. “You did what most people would do. You didn’t give yourself chance to get closure on your first love and it fucked you up. Just don’t hurt him, alright?” I smiled softly over at the boys across from me.
“You know I love you guys, right?”
“Well, obviously.”

Notes

Sorry John's a bit of a dick.
Not sorry John's a bit of a dick.
Take it how you will.