Just Another Reason I Could Never Forget You

That night’s show went off, surprisingly, without a hitch. No mini-meltdowns, no arguments, no sly digs. Just a nice, smooth running show. It felt fucking fantastic. I’d spent basically the entire time since the first note of the first song struck just chilling and watching. I wasn’t on edge, I was just leaning back and enjoying myself.
“Hey, you’re looking happier tonight!” A familiar voice called to my right. The venue was almost empty now, a few stragglers looking over merch by All Time Low’s booth. I looked up from beginning to pack away my own booth, seeing Sammy grinning over at me.
“Hey! I totally forgot you were coming tonight!” I grinned back broadly, reinforcing her notion that I was happier than I was the previous night. “But, ugh, yes. Much better. Just got loads of crap of my chest, you know? Feels great.”
“Good! You looked legitimately traumatised yesterday,” she laughed lightly. “But I thought I’d pop by and say hi before I went home.”
“Home? You’re driving two hours tonight? Ugh. No thanks.” She let out another chuckle at my words, shaking her head lightly.
“Home tonight is my hotel. My parents would not appreciate me waking them up at 1am with my nonsense, I can assure you.”
“Oh, my god! You should stay for the party!” I gasped as the thought hit me. We were having another few drinks tonight since our bus call was super late. Like I said, aside from the guys and a couple of other people, I had almost no friends in Arizona. I was going to jump at the chance of another companion. She seemed nice and normal and I could do with someone who isn’t involved in my melodrama.
“What? No. I couldn’t!” She looked horrified at my suggestion, but I couldn’t tell if it was because she was utterly against the idea, or because she knew her favourite ass band would be there, along with more than a few others.
“No, for real, you should come. I’m sick of hanging around boys all the time and there’s no point in you just going back to your hotel room alone and bored. I mean, I’m not going to force you, but I just think it’d be nice.”
“You sure?” I grinned once more, seeing that she wanted to come and I was beginning to make a friend of some sort.
“Absolutely. Hang out here for a few and I’ll take you back when I’m finished. 100% the guys are already boozing.” Sammy hung back, sitting on my usual chair as I finished packing the boxes. The guys had officially offered to move them into the van for me as a standing deal from hereon out and, while I was against it on the basis of trying to prove I was capable, the thought of not having to move back and forth with them every night was a god damn blessing. Once I had finished, I brushed down my clothes and pulled the band from my hair, letting the blonde waves fall loose as Sammy and I made our way out the back.
“Holly!” John slurred as he found me, pulling me immediately to his side and pushing a kiss to my temple. I grinned, feeling the fluttering in my stomach as I realised he was drunk enough to be over his little strop this morning. I imagined the boys had had some part in that, scolding him as they had done me, reminding him that it wasn’t the way forward. I would take it in a heartbeat if it meant he would talk to me properly again.
“Hey cutie,” I grinned back. “How’s the drinking?” I gestured my hand, signalling him to pass me his drink, which he obliged to quickly. It seemed like he’d filled at least half the cup with whisky before realising he needed to fit coke in there too. Again, I was not going to complain. He copied my earlier signal, asking for his drink back after I’d taken a sip, but I shook my head, taking another, larger drink with a mischievous look on my face. I heard him tutting, but he didn’t reach out to take the cup from me.
“Who’s your friend?” I could have slapped myself. I’d immediately gotten wrapped up in John and hadn’t introduced Sammy to anyone. I looked over to her, seeing her uncomfortable stance and offering an apologetic look.
“This is Sammy. Sammy, this is John, Jared and Kennedy. I’d introduce the rest of the guys, but I couldn’t begin to tell you where they were.”
“Getting more alcohol,” John told me. I nodded. Figured. John had probably already signalled them to bring him another drink back after I’d stolen his. I felt his hand move to wrap itself around my waist and returned the gesture. “It’s nice to meet you, Sammy.” I knew he was offering her a dazzling smile without even looking. Instead, I began to search the small crowd of people for Jack and Alex, seeing them standing with the other boys by their bus. Jack caught my eye and I waved him over, Alex following his trail.
“Don’t flip out,” I said to Sammy as the boys drew nearer.
“What?”
“Hey Jackosaur!” I grinned as he joined us. I could see him roll his eyes, shaking his head, but still laughing.
“Drunk already, Jase?” He asked, eyeing the cup in my hand.
“Hardly,” I scoffed. “I haven’t even had a full cup, this is Johnny’s.”
“And, yet, it’s in your hand.”
“Fuck off,” I laughed. “Anyway, guys, this is Sammy. Uber fan, loves you lots, et cetera. Sammy, this is Jack and Alex.”
“Hey, yeah, I think we’ve met before, right?” Sammy looked a little shocked to have been remembered and I chuckled into my cup. I knew the feeling. Over the summer, I’d helped out on The Maine’s tour with Good Charlotte and had had more than one ‘oh my god’ moment. I was not going to be one to judge her for this.
“Yeah, once or twice,” she tried to laugh.
“It’s great meeting you again,” Alex spoke, finally, flashing her a wide grin. I held back the rolling of my eyes. Of course he was flirting already. I knew that grin like the back of my hand, having been the recipient of it on many occasions. This was his ‘you’re cute and I feel like we’re going to have sex tonight’ grin. His confident, self-assured bullshit grin.
“You okay?” John asked in my ear as Alex and Sammy fell into conversation and I took another, long, drink.
“Super.” I wasn’t trying to be sarcastic, but there was a bite to the single syllable I’d uttered before draining my cup. “When’s Patty cake back? I need to steal another of your drinks.” I pouted up at him, showing him the now empty cup.
“Hold right there, I’ll go grab you one.”
“No,” I whined. “Don’t leave. I’ll come with.” I looked over at the boys as Jack chuckled, catching Alex not suppressing the rolling of his eyes in my direction. I ignored it, turning back to John, who began to usher me over to the alcohol cooler. I pulled the whisky out, making the same drink John had, if not a little stronger. I knew Alex and I were friends now, but that didn’t mean I wanted to see him flirting with another girl. Hell, I hated seeing the other guys flirting so brazenly with girls. It was tacky. “Are you okay now?” I asked, attempting to sound only half concerned with my question to John as I poured the pair of us a drink each (his not as strong as mine, since I needed to catch up).
“I was being unnecessarily bitchy,” he replied. “I’m sorry, you were right. You needed to have that talk with Alex. I get it, I just didn’t want you to fall for any of his bullshit again, you know?”
“I know,” I nodded, turning to him as I’d finished making our drinks. “I can assure you, the only person’s bullshit I’ll be falling for is yours.” I saw a grin forming on his face at my words and my heart began to race. I adored how happy something so simple made him. I just wanted to make him smile like this all the time.
“It’s not bullshit, darling.” I took a drink quickly, before leaning up and pressing a quick and simple kiss to his lips. I wanted him to know that I meant it, that it wasn’t all just words, that I was contemplating something else. Our lips didn’t stay parted for long, John pressing a much less simple kiss to my lips. There was no debating his meaning, no ‘is this just friends?’ debate about it. My stomach fluttered at the feeling, thankful I hadn’t missed my chance all those months ago. He pulled away, and I saw his grin widening further than it had done in a long time. “We should get back.” I felt myself pouting, but he ignored it as he laced his fingers with my own and led me back to the group we had just left. I saw the rest of the Maine raising their eyebrows at us and a blush crept onto my cheeks. Had we been anywhere else, our actions would have been cause of catcalls and cheers from these four boys, but they knew how out of place it would seem. To everyone else, John and I had been in a relationship for a while now and had done much more than this on a regular basis. I liked that they didn’t want to blow my cover now, even when it was becoming irrelevant.
Kennedy seemed to be most impressed with John, offering a nice and manly fist bump as he returned, receiving only a one-handed push from John, his other still laced with my own.
I surveyed our group, noting that Josh from Every Avenue had joined us, chatting away with Jared, probably about music, while Jack seemed to be the only one remaining of the other three I had left. I raised an eyebrow at him, silently asking where they had gone, receiving only a roll of the eye back and a nudge of his head to somewhere behind me. I followed his gesture, seeing that Alex had wasted absolutely no time in making his move. His lips were locked with Sammy’s over by his own bus, an area that had now been vacated by everyone else. Jack didn’t look like he approved and I was trying to make my face not look the same.
Not even a minute ago, I had been ecstatic, really fucking happy and now I couldn’t take my eyes off Alex. What did I expect? That I could move on and he would stay single forever? Of course not. But it still made me feel sick. I pulled my eyes away, forcing myself to smile and participate in the conversation with the others. My mind was reeling, my stomach turning, but it didn’t matter. I had John, I didn’t need Alex. My feelings for Alex were past tense, my feelings for John were present. I’d known since we met that John was one of the only boys I knew who would be worth the time, that he was too sweet to deliberately hurt anyone. Not in that sappy, irritating way, but in the way that made you feel safe. Admittedly, it had made me feel so safe I had ignored him for two years, knowing he would be there to fall back on whenever I made my mind up, but I’d finally made my mind up. Not because I’d been forced to, because Alex was out of the picture, but because I’d faced Alex and realised what I’d been pining for wasn’t what I remembered.
But, then again, hadn’t he been mature enough to talk it out with me? To not get angry about all of the bullshit I’d put him through? Okay, he’d been angry at first, but not when we’d talked about it. And he’d wanted to know I was okay about everything since then. He’d talked to me like he’d used to and he was sweet, and kind, and funny and—
And he wasn’t John. John had all of the things I’d just said in spades. It was John, not Alex, who was in my future.
“Hey, does anyone have vodka?” I asked as I drained my cup for a second time twenty minutes later. “I mean, whisky is nice and all, but I miss vodka.” The boys laughed at me, knowing I wasn’t joking, but still finding it funny all the same.
“I have some in my bag. It’s just in our lounge if you want me to grab it?” Jack offered. I could have hugged him. He was a lifesaver.
“I can grab it,” I told him. “It’s me that wants it and I’m already stealing it.” Jack shrugged, telling me the bus code and where in the lounge I could find the bag. “I’ll be back,” I told John, pushing a kiss quickly to his cheek.
“Alright, sweetheart, don’t be too long.” I smiled softly, detaching myself from him. I weaved in and out of the crowd of people, finding myself on Jack’s bus before I knew it.
It was dark, which I owed to all four of the guys being out the front enjoying themselves, but it also meant that I couldn’t see more than a foot or so in front of me. I tutted, knowing the light switch was on the other side of the room. I shuffled through the room, using the wall as a guide to find the sofa and then the light switch above it. I flicked it on, looking for Jack’s bag, which I quickly found under one of the guys’ shirts. I rolled my eyes, throwing it onto the sofa and rummaging through Jack’s bag for the bottle.
“Holly?” Alex’s voice sounded, as if coming from the bunk area. I frowned, having not heard him come in.
“Yeah, sorry, Jack sent me for vodka.” I didn’t bother looking up, instead continuing my search. I found it a moment later, pulling it out before standing up and turning to Alex.
He looked uncomfortable, which I owed to finding him shirtless once again. His hair was messy, as if he’d just woken, but his eyes were clear and I’d seen him not half an hour ago, so I knew he hadn’t been asleep. It didn’t take long for me to see Sammy’s light blue shirt on the countertop behind Alex and the situation dawned on me. His pants were unbuttoned but not removed, though it looked like someone had been tugging at them. My stomach rolled as the sick feeling returned. I should have known.
“You’re joking, right?” I meant the bitterness behind my words this time, my lip curling. “You’ve known her five fucking minutes, Alex.”
“What? I haven’t done anything, Holly.” I shook my head. She’d been planning this as much as he had, I could almost guarantee it. Of course, Alex was going for the easy lay, like he always had, but that didn’t make it any less disgusting. This was a girl I’d been hoping to become friends with, and it seemed like she only cared about one thing: the boys behind me. It was the same story over and over and over. This was why I didn’t make friends very often
“I never thought you’d be one of those assholes,” I seethed, it dawning on me that this was essentially a groupie-band member thing. I never thought he’d go for something as easy as all that. He had to know she would drop her pants for anything that played guitar.
“You’re kidding, right? Holly, we’re barely even fucking friends. You don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t sleep with.” His tone shook me, though it had been building. The anger wasn’t sudden, it had been hiding behind his last words too, but it still riled me up. I knew I had no right to be angry about this, but I was god damn angry.
“I wasn’t telling you shit, I was just simply saying that seeing you skanking about with a groupie makes me feel physically sick. It’s disgusting.”
“Hey, you don’t hear me complaining about this bullshit you have going on with John.” I felt my heart stop for half a second, thinking he knew something about the feelings I’d been hiding for John, beginning to open my mouth to argue that there was nothing between us when I realised that he still thought John and I were dating and that everyone had seen us kiss not too long before. He took my silence to mean he had hit a nerve, continuing on. “You have a type, you know? Singers seem to be the one thing you fucking dig. Or do you just enjoy wrapping guys around your little finger until they’re ready to break?”
“We talked about this, dickwad. We worked out our bullshit.” I was backtracking, I knew that, but he had actually managed to hit a nerve with that last utterance. I knew I had come close to ‘breaking’ John on more than one occasion, so his words hit somewhat close to the mark, making it all the more painful to hear. I wanted to turn and run, like I always did.
“No, we didn’t. You’re clearly holding onto something or you wouldn’t be bullshitting me right now.”
“Oh, just fuck off. I’m done.” I turned away from him, heading to the door when I felt his hand wrap around my wrist, twisting me around to face him. Before I could open my mouth to speak, or take in the look on his face, his lips were pressed to my own, one hand on the small of my back, pulling me closer, and the other cupping my face.
I could feel myself leaning into him, my knees giving way and kissing him back. It could have been autopilot, a gut reaction to Alex and that oh-so-familiar scent filling my nostrils, but it took me longer than I would have liked to pull away, to remind myself of John. I was doing exactly what he feared I would do, what I promised I wouldn’t do. I felt sick. Alex was playing me, that’s all there was to it.
I wanted to call him out for kissing me as I pushed him away. I wanted to scream and shout, to actually be angry, but I couldn’t. There was no trace of his normal smirk on his face, nothing that told me this was another move. So, instead, I left. I pulled the door of the bus open and ran, all the way back to John who knew no better.

Notes

I bet you all got halfway through this chapter and thought it would be happy and not at all confusing and really pro-John.
Sorry not sorry!

Also, has anyone seen Crazy Ex-Girlfriend? Because the song It Was a Shitshow just makes me feel like that's what a real life Alex and Holly should say. I kinda love it.
(PS. If you have seen it, no spoilers, I'm only a couple of episodes into series 2!)