Destroy Rebuild

“Come on, buddy,” I said as I picked Will up from where he was playing on the living room floor. I turned off the kitchen light and grabbed my keys and my wallet before going to the garage.

I can’t lie and say I wasn’t nervous about seeing Alex. I hadn’t heard from him since our big falling out, before he sent Jack to collect his things for tour and to give me that stupid engagement ring. But he was leaving the next day and asked if I could meet him at Starbucks so he could have some time with Will before he left. I wasn’t going to deny him that, and I also wanted to have a few minutes to talk everything out with him.

My nerves were a jumbled mess as I drove us to the coffee shop. I didn’t know what to expect with Alex. He kept our phone call very short, leaving no room for any indication that he was willing to work through everything. There was no telling what was bound to happen once we were face to face and our emotions got the best of us.

I pulled into the parking lot and found a space in the shade. Alex wasn’t there yet, judging by the absence of his vehicle, so I took a few moments to compose myself. Part of me wanted to back out and go back home so I wouldn’t have to face him should our visit go badly, but as I looked through the rear-view mirror at our son that was already missing out on too much time with his dad, I mustered up enough bravery to make it through for him. His wandering infant eyes landed on the reflection of mine and he smiled a toothless grin.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Alex pull up beside me. I didn’t have the guts to look over at him and I didn’t even want to steal a quick glance to see if he was looking at me. I heard his door shut and a few seconds later he was pulling on the handle of the door keeping him from Will. I sighed heavily and turned off the ignition, unlocking the doors. I watched through the mirror as he bent down in front of Will, and I could tell that was the first time he’d smiled in a few days.

“What’s up, my man?” he chuckled as he quickly fumbled with the buckle of the car seat. Hearing his voice sent my stomach into an uneasy churn.

Once he’d pulled Will from the car, I took that as my cue to get out as well. Alex didn’t look at me once, so I was surprised when he offered to buy me some coffee.

“Sure,” I smiled as I shut the back door.

He started towards the building before yelling over his shoulder, “Hot or cold?”

It was warm out, and I was already feeling a tad overheated from being nervous, so I said, “Cold, please.”

He didn’t acknowledge me, but kept walking, talking to Will as he went. I climbed back into the car, reaching into the back and pulling out one of Will’s toys in case he was to get restless and fussy. Plus, I just wanted something to distract him should things get ugly between Alex and me.

As I was about to get out and claim a table outside, my attention was adverted to the center console. I lifted the top and pulled out the little green box I’d received from Jack just a few days ago. I brought it in case our visit went south so I could give it back to him. I couldn’t tell by Alex’s previous gesture how things were going to pan out, so I stuffed it in my shorts pocket anyway.

After waiting at one of the outside tables for a few minutes, Alex came out, juggling our drinks in one hand while the other held on tight to Will. He set the drinks down and as I was about to reach for mine, he slid it across the table for me. It brought a little comfort that he knew exactly what to get me: my very bland but very usual mocha frappuccino with whipped topping. I stirred the drink around with my straw and smiled.

“Thank you,” I said quietly.

He didn’t respond. He didn’t give me much to vibe off of either, since his eyes were covered by dark sunglasses and his face was expressionless as he held on tight to Will, hugging him to his chest. He was barely even moving, except for his thumb that was circling a small spot of Will’s back. I got the hint that if I wanted us to talk things through, I was going to have to be the one to start the conversation.

“So, how are you?” I asked lamely, mentally slapping myself for asking such a stupid question. He was probably the same as me – riding slowly through this hell we created and hoping the light at the end of the tunnel would hurry the fuck up.

“Fine,” he said flatly.

My brows furrowed. “Fine?”

Again, he didn’t respond, but just continued to rub circles along Will’s back. Clearly, he was just there for him, and although I didn’t blame him, I wasn’t going to leave without some sort of resolution to our problem. His lack of effort bothered me, and soon I was a loose cannon, unable to conceal my anger.

“Well, that’s great,” I said sarcastically. “I’m glad you’re taking this so well, our impending doom and all.”

“Impending doom,” he snorted. “Maybe you should turn the dramatics down just a notch there, babe.”

The term of endearment sounded like a jab as he practically spat it towards me. It sent my blood into a boil.

“Oh, is that not what’s happening? Sorry, that’s kind of the hint I was taking from your lack of presence or communication,” I said with a roll of my eyes.

“Yeah, sucks, doesn’t it?” he said matter-of-factly. I knew then he was trying to put me through what I dealt to him when he messed up first. Key word: first.

I shifted in my seat to lean a little closer to him. “Okay, Alex. I get it. You’re mad that I hung out with an old friend while you were so tirelessly trying to convince me that you kissing your ex-girlfriend wasn’t your fault. I know, I understand. But none of this would be happening if you would have told me the truth when I asked for it.”

He was quiet for a moment, his lips pressed together tightly. I was getting ready to vent more when he started speaking.

“I think it’s funny how, to you, all of this is my fault. Yeah, I lied and told you nothing happened when it did, but I didn’t make you run off to that fucking Eric dude and sleep your way to revenge. If you would have-“

“I did not sleep with him, Alex,” I interrupted. “We kissed. That’s it. Same thing that happened with you and Sophia.” Her name tasted like vinegar.

“Whatever. Except you probably kissed him back, right?” he asked. When I didn’t respond, he nodded. “That’s what I fucking thought, Whitney. Had you not done what you did, we would be on our way to recovery right now instead of here with you trying to play the blame game with me.”

I shook my head as I ran my hand through my hair. “I’m not here to compare sins, Alex. And I know you’re probably not here for me at all, but I’m here for you. We both fucked up and I think both of us realize that, so I’m here to find out what’s next for us. Are we done? Are we going to keep trying?”

He didn’t say anything, but I could tell by the way he looked down at Will that he was heavily weighing his options. It felt like a whole minute passed of him staring down at our son and not saying a word and I felt like my nerves were going to implode.

“Will you please fucking say something?!” I shrieked.

His attention snapped back to me and his mouth hung slack as he stared at me. My hands were suddenly trembling.

“It’s not as simple of a choice as you want to believe it is,” he said slowly.

“How is it not?” I groaned. “Are you breaking up with me? Yes or no.”

He sighed as he turned Will around in his lap. “I can’t say yes, because for some reason – amid all this bullshit – I know if I push you away I’ll hate myself. Even though you tore my heart to shreds, I’m still so fucking in love with you. You’re still all I want forever.”

I felt the chills ripple across my skin.

“But I can’t say no, either. ‘Tore my heart to shreds’ was putting it lightly. You willingly gave another man a chance to take you from me. Do you know how that feels?”

I shook my head as I tried to speak. “I wouldn’t have let him. He was just there trying to make me feel better.”

“But why didn’t you let me try to make you feel better?”

“Because you weren’t here. And I was mad at you and upset and hurt.”

“I tried calling you,” he said with a shake of his head. “I tried fixing it. How do I know the next time I make you mad you’re not going to sprint back to him again?”

“Well, if that’s how you see it, how do I know if you’re not here that you’re also not being forced into making out with her again?”

“Because. She. Is not. You. Because I love you. I only love you.”

I nodded as I leaned back in my seat. “Same answer.”

He bit down on his bottom lip as he nodded back. We both watched as a bored Will played with his rattle for a few minutes before the silence became unbearable for me.

“So what are we doing, Alex?” I asked, regaining his attention.

He shrugged, and a few seconds passed before he finally spoke.

“I’m leaving for three months tomorrow. Maybe we just need some time apart. I’m not saying we should break up, just maybe that we need time to ourselves to let the wounds heal properly. We can facetime so I can see you two. But I think this might be best for our relationship.”

I nodded. Although it was going to be tough, time apart probably was the solution to our problems. Whatever felt like it would work was what I was willing to do for us. I just hoped I’d be able to trust him while he was gone for so long.

I crossed my leg over the other and felt the small green box press against my thigh. I stared at him for a moment, contemplating whether I wanted to discuss it with him at the moment before pulling it out of my pocket and setting it on the table. As soon as he looked down, his cheeks flamed red.

“Kinda shitty you had Jack give this to me,” I said, folding my arms over my chest.

“I know,” he sighed. “I’m sorry.”

I weighed my words carefully before saying them. “Were you planning on doing that soon? Or…” my voice trailed off.

He chuckled nervously. “Well, I didn’t buy it for nothing, Whit.”

I nodded, trying not to think about the future happiness that was ruined. “You want it back?”

Through his sunglasses I could feel him staring at me as he slowly reached across the table to take it. “Yeah, but only so maybe one day I can give it to you the right way.”

“’Maybe’,” I repeated quietly.

He sighed. “I hope one day you’ll let me.”

I glanced up at him. “I hope one day you’ll still want to.”

We exchanged a small smile and he held his hand out on the table, his palm facing up. I slowly placed my hand in his and I had to fight back the feeling of wanting to cry. The electricity was zooming through us. I was going to miss him like hell, but I kept hope that when the three agonizing months were over, we would be a family again. I had to let go before the tears started spilling down my cheeks.

“Alright,” I said after clearing my throat. “It’s almost this little guys nap time. We should get going.”

Alex nodded and stood, collecting our drinks that neither of us had even sipped from and tossed them in the nearby garbage can. I walked behind him as he carried Will to the car, and he held him close the whole way.

I turned the car on while he buckled Will in to get some air circulating. I stood by while I waited for him to finish telling him goodbye until he shut the back door and turned towards me. I was quick to embrace back as he pulled me into a tight hug.

“Take care of our little boy,” he said, his voice wavering. “If you need anything just let me know.”

“I will,” I nodded, squeezing him. I wasn’t ready to let go yet.

“For the love of god, miss me,” he said with a light chuckle.

I squeezed him tighter. “I already do.”

He backed away a little and took off his sunglasses and for the first time I saw how red and puffy his eyes were and I wondered how long they’d been like that as mine soon matched his. He took my face in his hands and wiped his thumb under my eye.

“Stay in love with me,” he said quietly, but it almost sounded like he was begging me.

I nodded as I pulled his forehead down to mine. “Always.”

Notes