Destroy Rebuild

I leaned against the island, my palms flat in front of me. My keys were inches away, and all I had to do was grab them and run to redemption. But suddenly, I was having second thoughts.

Eric was so excited when I told him I wanted to hang out with him. We agreed to meet at Loft around nine. I was pretty happy I’d get to see the people I use to work with, considering I hadn’t seen them since Will was born. Part of me was unnecessarily worried that it would be awkward seeing them again. Eric assured me otherwise, then texted me multiple times about how he couldn’t wait to see me.

Alex continued to try to reach me. I never answered or responded, though. I was so crushed that I couldn’t imagine holding a conversation with him. He was a completely different person to me. The pain made me shudder every time the picture flashed in my head. It felt like he ruined me.

I was fueled by the slight amount of anger I felt towards him while I was picking out my outfit. It was surprisingly warm for early April, and I decided to take advantage of it by wearing short shorts. My skin was the perfect shade of beige to blend with the denim. I thought briefly about a complement Alex made to my eyes when I’m wearing purple and sifted through tank tops until I found the perfect soft lavender racerback. My eyes instantly transformed into a glassy seafoam green and I smiled. I left my hair straight and did my makeup as natural as possible. I was ready for revenge.

But as I went to grab my keys to leave, something stopped my hand mid reach.

I was suddenly desperate for Alex. I wanted him to fix it. I mean sure, technically that’s what he was trying to do with his ongoing texting and calling, but I didn’t want him to do it over the phone. I wanted him to do it in person, where it wasn’t so easy to ignore him. I wanted him to find some way to make it all disappear completely and remove the memory from my brain.

But I knew he couldn’t do that, so I took my keys and locked the door behind me.

I pulled up along the sidewalk and nervously shifted the gears to park. I briefly tried to scan the crowd gathered outside Loft to see if I could spot Eric. I smiled when I saw his cheeky grin as he stood in a circle with other guys I use to work with at Whiskey’s. I climbed out of my car and adjusted my clothes before starting towards them.

Garrett was the first to notice me and when he did he shouted my name, resulting in the other guys to chime in. I’d never seen a smile as big as Eric’s as he put his beer down on a table and sprinted towards me. I giggled as he picked me up and swirled me around, his arms in a vice grip around me.

“Finally!” he screamed as he pumped his arms in the air victoriously.

He placed me back on my feet but kept his arms around me, sighing deeply.

“I fuckin missed you, girl,” he chuckled.

“I missed you, too,” I laughed, squeezing him quickly before letting go.

He slung his arm around my shoulder and led me back to the guys. I greeted each one of them with a hug before I made my way back to Eric.

“Damn, Whit, you sure you just had a baby?” Corey asked.

“Yes,” I laughed, my cheeks blushing pink. “I’m sure.”

"Coulda fooled me," Garrett laughed, earning himself a high five from Corey. “So how ya been?”

I shrugged with a smile. “Fine. What about you guys?”

“Matt here got engaged,” Eric said teasingly.

“Really?!” I asked and Matt nodded, grinning. “Oh, yay! To who?”

“Becca,” he smiled.

“Bartender Becca?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “We really hit it off after our first few dates so I figured, why not?”

“Well, that’s awesome,” I smiled. “Congrats.”

While Garrett was throwing his empty beer bottle away, Eric squeezed my shoulder, bringing me a little closer to him. I glanced up and he shot me a wink that almost turned my legs to jelly.

“So should we do some shots?” Garrett asked once he’d rejoined us.

We all nodded in unison and started towards the door when Corey turned towards me.

“You can drink, right? I mean, it won’t fuck up your titty milk?”

Eric reached around me and shoved him. “Come on, bro.”

“Sorry,” Corey mumbled.

I followed Corey into the bar and tried to keep up with him through the crowd of people. Eric was close behind me, holding onto me by the waist so we wouldn’t get separated. My skin burned where he was touching me, but it felt good.

After taking our shots with the guys, Eric ordered us some beers and we went out the side door to the tables to talk.

“I know you’re probably sick of hearing this, but fuck, did I miss you,” Eric laughed.

I nodded with a smile. “I missed you too, Eric.”

“So what’s been up with you?” he asked.

I shook my head and sighed. “Just being a mom really,” I laughed. “That’s pretty time consuming.”

He nodded. “You like it, though, right?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t trade this role for anything. It’s exhausting and I don’t think a day has passed that I don’t worry about whether I’m fucking up or not, but it’s so worth it.”

“I bet,” he smiled. “It sounds awesome. What’s his name again?”

“Will,” I beamed, and I felt my heart glow with pride.

“Do you have any pictures of him?”

I smiled eagerly as I pulled out my phone. While I was unlocking it, Alex called again and I felt myself freeze. It was like my usual self and the current heartbroken Whitney were fighting over whether to answer it or not. I guess I was staring at the screen for too long as Eric leaned closer.

“Is everything okay?” he asked.

I nodded and pressed the button to ignore the call. “Yeah, fine,” I lied.

I scrolled through the pictures in my library, pangs of guilt pricking me like needles every time I saw one of Alex. I finally found one of Will by himself and turned the phone towards Eric.

“Look at that,” he smiled. “Wow, he looks just like you.”

“Really?” I asked. “I think he looks like his dad.”

Eric shrugged and leaned back in his chair as I was putting my phone away.

“How is that going, by the way?” he asked.

I had a straight up deer-in-the-headlights moment before I snapped out of it. “It’s good.”

“Good?” he repeated with risen eyebrows. “Define ‘good’.”

I nervously broke the eye contact before scanning the table as if looking for the right thing to say. “I don’t know. Just good.”

“’Good’ as in ‘good’? Or ‘good’ as in ‘I don’t want to talk about it, shut the fuck up’?”

“In a less harsher way, second ‘good’.”

“Gotcha,” he nodded.

Desperate for a topic shift, I took a few gulps of my beer before turning more towards him.

“So, what about you?” I smiled. “Any special ladies in your life these days?”

“No,” he chuckled.

“Well, why not?” I laughed.

He looked at me almost skeptically for a moment before staring at the beer bottle he was turning in his hand. “I don’t know,” he shrugged.

I groaned and leaned over to touch his arm. “Come on now, Eric. You’re a handsome guy. I’ve literally seen the girls line up to get a chance with you. What gives?”

He looked down at my hand that still rested on his bicep and smiled. “I guess I still haven’t gotten over the last special lady I had in my life.”

My stomach churned uncomfortably as I realized he was talking about me. I slowly slid my hand off his arm and brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

Eric leaned closer to me and scooped my hand into his. “Don’t be. It’s not your fault that guys can’t help but fall for you.”

“Guys,” I laughed. “Like just you and Alex?”

It hurt that his name tasted like vinegar as I said it.

“Please,” Eric scoffed. “I had to fight half the kitchen over you.”

I rose my eyebrows for him to continue, a little amused.

“Yeah, we were all pretty smitten by you right off the rip. But I managed to convince them that only one of us should get a shot with you and that the only worthy candidate was me.”

I giggled, suddenly feeling the effects of the shots I’d already taken. “Really?”

He nodded, his thumb running circles over my fingers. “Of course, they’ve been giving me hell that it’s been four years since I decided to make a move and you’ve yet to give me a chance.”

My giggling subsided as I felt the guilt hit me like a brick wall. “I’m really sorry, Eric.”

“Again, don’t be,” he sighed. “I mean, it’s not your fault. I tend to fall madly for the ones I can’t have. But you,” he paused, shaking his head. “’Madly’ doesn’t even come close.”

I didn’t know what to say, because an apology didn’t seem good enough.

“But I get it. You have something now. You have a family. I’d be a total dick if I tried to come in between that.”

I nodded, still clueless about what to say.

“Look, Whit, I can see you’ve got some deep shit going on. I don’t know why else you would have finally agreed to hang out with me otherwise. But I’m glad you did. And I promise I’m going to do whatever I can to make you forget about it, at least for tonight.”

The slightest hint of a smile began pulling at the corners of my lips and I looked up at him, the sincere smile he flashed me shattering any tension I’d been building up.

“You down?” he asked.

I laughed and nodded. “So down.”

“Awesome,” he chuckled. “You wanna go kick some amateur ass on the pool tables?”

“Let’s,” I giggled as I stood.

As I was heading back toward the bar, Eric grabbed me by my wrist, whipping me around to face him. I almost stumbled over, but he caught me and held me close to his chest. I didn’t try to stop him, because the feeling of his warm skin pressed against me made me curious of how his lips would feel. They were soft as they pressed against mine and I had to fight the urge to take in a deep breath as the electricity shot through me rapidly.

Eric pulled away shortly after and offered me an almost apologetic smile. It was hard to control my breathing.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t know if I’d get another chance to do that if I didn’t take it now.”

I shook my head, a little dumbfounded by the overwhelming sparks I was feeling towards him. It took quite a bit of effort to make my mouth move, but when it did, I said, “If you decide to kiss me again, don’t apologize for it.”

He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Noted. By the way, Garrett and Corey weren't lying. You look fucking hot.”

I giggled and tried to bite down on my bottom lip to keep my grin from spreading too wide. I shoved his chest playfully and took his hand, pulling him into the bar with me.

I stood next to one of the vacant pool tables, claiming it while Eric ordered us some more drinks. I couldn’t stop watching him as he moved fluidly through the crowd to get to me. He was growing on me, and I knew that wasn’t the best thing that could happen, but I couldn’t fight it. I felt okay when I was with him, like all the crap I was dealing with was irrelevant. I blushed as he handed me my drink.

We played and drank for what seemed like hours. The alcohol was allowing me to loosen up – maybe a little too much – as I constantly felt the need to be near him. If my hands weren’t gripping the stick, they were touching him somewhere. And if it wasn’t my hands, it was my whole body, as I would occasionally sit in his lap while waiting for our turn. I knew my behavior would lead to bad things, if not for me then for him. But I couldn’t get over how good it felt when he held me.

After our solo game and catching heat for hogging the table for so long, we decided to stumble outside for some fresh air. The live band that had been providing the music for the night started playing “Beast of Burden” by The Rolling Stones. Eric hissed in satisfaction and held out his hand towards me.

“Dance with me?” he grinned.

I giggled and placed my hand in his when he spun me around in a circle before pulling me close. I wasn’t usually a dancer, and maybe it was the liquid courage coursing through me, but I felt confident as I swayed to the upbeat tempo.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” he slurred as he took the lead, lifting me off my feet and spinning us around.

I squealed as I held on and when my feet were back on the ground, I wrapped both of my arms around his neck tightly. “Me, too.”

Without warning, he placed both of his hands on my cheeks and lowered his lips to mine. I tried pulling him closer and he parted his lips, mine following suit, and soon his tongue was peeking into my mouth. The electricity I felt was dangerous and I backed myself against a wall, Eric’s body holding me there.

I don’t know what it was. I was thoroughly enjoying the kiss that produced more passion than I think I’d ever felt, even with Alex. But something caused the image of his distraught face to flash in front of my closed eyes, and suddenly I had a deep yearning for him, and I felt like I was going to throw up.

“Wait,” I muttered after I’d successfully broken the kiss.

Eric panted a moment before running his fingers through my hair. “Are you okay?”

It felt like Alex was everywhere. I couldn’t escape him. I knew what I was doing was going to crush him. I couldn’t even convince myself that he deserved it. He’d been trying all day to get in touch with me, and that wasn’t something a guilty person would do. I just wished I’d given him a chance before I brought Eric into it.

Speaking of, I couldn’t even look at him. I was being so unfair to his feelings. I’d come out looking for my revenge, but I didn’t even think about how tonight would go might affect him. He didn’t deserve to be dragged into this fucked up game I was playing. It felt like my throat was trying to close in on me.

“Whitney,” Eric said, gaining my scattered attention. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head as I let my eyes fall to my trembling fingers. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” he laughed nervously.

I felt a tear slip onto my cheek and brushed it away quickly. He crouched down to try to look into my eyes, but I kept turning my face away. My hands reached for my keys that were hooked to my belt loop.

“I have to go,” I said as I took my first step, but Eric quickly grabbed my arm to stop me.

“Whoa,” he said. “You’ve had a lot to drink. I’m not about to let you drive anywhere. Tell me. What’s wrong?”

“I just,” I stuttered, feeling myself breaking down as the tears welled up. “I have… I just have…”

“A family,” he sighed, finishing my sentence for me.

I nodded. “I’m so sorry, Eric. I feel like I’d lead you on and that’s not fair to you. But I just can’t fuck this up.”

He sighed exasperatingly and ran his hand over his face. “I’m sorry, too. I think I took advantage of your lowered guard. I told myself not to get too excited, but with you I just can’t help it.”

“And my consenting actions didn’t help,” I spat. I was so angry with myself that the tears were cascading. “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and wiped his finger over my eyes. “Do you want to go to my apartment? I think the alcohol and current circumstances have you overwhelmed. You want to just sleep it off?”

I looked up at him warily but he smiled and shook his head.

“No funny business. I just want you to be okay.”

I was in no state to turn down his kind offer, so I nodded and let him lead me up the stairs to his apartment above the bar.

My heart beat felt like it turned into a warning.

Alex. Alex. Alex.

Notes