Paint You Wings
Chapter Fourteen
Two weeks had passed since Alex had left and things were worse than I had ever imagined they would be. I was trying so hard to get better but it was impossible, I tried to keep my food down but it was virtually impossible, I'd gone straight back into my old habit, it was easy to hide it no one had a clue not even Adam, not even my parents who were overly cautious all of the time about my eating, no one had noticed that most of my clothes now hanged off of me or that I had bags under my eyes or that I was either asleep or at work no one had noticed and that's the way I wanted it too stay.
I dragged myself out of bed flinging my covers off of myself not bothering to make my bed once I had got out of it. I stood up my legs wobbling from lack of nutrition, I pulled the black hairband off of my wrist and tied up my hair. I didn't even care about my appearance anymore, I didn't care about anything. The only thing keeping me alive right now was Alex but he had no clue he was thousands of miles away from me living his dream having a good summer, I was lucky to get a text every few days.
I went over to my wardrobe grabbing a pair of light blue skinny jeans and pulling them on roughly against my legs, then I grabbed a baggy jumper and pulled it on. I had work in half an hour and work made me feel even worse I could barley make it through the whole day without nearly collapsing. There was a girl at my work called Emma and she was lovely, she was so skinny and beautiful and she ate loads without putting on an onze of weight which made me envy her completely. I found myself sometimes being sharp and snappy to her but that was mostly because half of the time I was out of it and then the other half of the time I was either staring at her enviously wishing I could be her.
I went into the bathroom, grabbing my toothpaste and toothbrush and brushing my teeth quickly then grabbing my makeup bag and pulling out my fountain, layering it on to cover up the dark circles underneath my eyes. Then I went downstairs avoiding the kitchen as the smell of a fried breakfast surrounded the house. I didn't have to leave for another fifteen minutes but I needed to get out of here now. I shouted goodbye to my mum and rushed out of the house before she could question me on skipping breakfast.
The journey to work was short, I enjoyed the feeling of the fresh air on my face it made me feel even more awake in the mornings. I arrived at work with ten minutes to spare, the sign on the door still said closed but when I pushed the door it clicked open. Inside Emma and Kenny my boss were setting up for the morning shift cleaning all of the tables and putting all of the chairs on the floor. I made my presence known by coughing loudly but instead it came out all rattled as if I had a chest cold.
"You're early, your shift doesn't start for another ten minutes." Kenny stated.
"Yeah, I needed to get out of the house. I'll go get the coffee machines set up." I said walking behind the counter and putting an apron over the top of me.
I put some coffee beans inside the machine and pressing down 'go'. I washed my hands so I didn't have to do it later and a few minutes later the first few customers started to come in. I prepared the first few drinks taking down their orders then passing them onto Emma.
"The usual thanks." A manly voice said.
My head snapped up to see if I recognised the person and I sure did. I told Emma the order smiling at the man.
"I don't have work till ten so I thought I might as well come see how you're doing." Adam said.
"That's very sweet of you even though I won't be able too talk much since I'm working."
Adam handed me over the money and I opened up the till shoving it in. Emma handed the warm coffee drink to Adam his name scribbled on the side as he sent her a cheeky smile, her eyelashes fluttered a few times she properly thought he was hitting on her. Adam took his drink and sat down at an empty table gesturing for me to go over.
"Georgia you can have that ten minutes back if you want." Kenny shouted from across the room.
We'd only been open an hour so it wasn't busy and definitely wouldn't fall under if I stopped working for ten minutes. I smiled gratefully at him walking over to Kenny and sliding in the empty seat in front of him.
"Georgia, I'm worried about you..." Adam said in a near whisper.
"Worried about me? Why?" I asked dumbfounded.
"Don't play dumb to me Georgia I'm your bestfriend I know you better than anyone and I know when there's a problem, even if I don't actually know what it is."
I breathed a sigh of relief, he was just 'concerned' about me he didn't actually have a clue what was wrong with me. I plastered on my best fake smile thinking up a quick lie to tell him.
"I'm fine honestly Adam, there's no need too worry about me. I just miss warped a bit that's all." I lied straight through my teeth.
"Well y'know I would have believed you if you hadn't have said that you missed warped because you've told me countless times how much you regret every going there so this time Georgia do me a favour a tell me the truth." Adam said sternly.
"Adam, it doesn't matter because its my problem to deal with, I am the only one who can fix it. Please can you drop it now?" I pleaded.
"Ha, don't you think I remember the last time you said something like that too me but it turned out the problem was a pretty huge problem and you needed a lot of help to get through that."
I pushed my chair back, standing up. I was done talking too him now, I didn't want too argue with him but whenever people pressured me into trying to tell them something I clammed up more and then they had no chance in hell of finding out.
"I have to go back too work now, I'll see you later." I said my jaw clenched as I walked away.
I heard Adam call my name but I chose to ignore him, instead walking straight into the cloakroom for a moment of peace. I was done. I was giving up on everything, I was ready to die now I just needed the right time.
*
I grabbed my pen off of the shelf, clicking the end down and putting the pen to paper. I was about to write my goodbye letters to everyone, I had decided the date to end it all January 5th, it was next year but only 5 months away, I wanted to fulfil my list of things to do before I die because chances are after I died I'd be dead forever and never be able to do the things I really wanted too do. First thing I had to do was write the ten things I wanted to do before I died and that was a pretty easy list. I scribbled them down in my neat handwriting.
1) get fired from a job
2) kiss someone in the rain
3) compete in a sports event
4) go skinny dipping
5) go to the cinema and stay for the next film without paying
6) break the law
7) reach my goal weight
8) beat zack in an arm wrestle
9) donate all of my money to charity (day before I die)
10) stop purging
I folded up the note placing it in a small black box which was were I would keep all of my letters to people to give to them the day before I die. I grabbed a blank piece of paper it was properly best to start with my parents first.
Dear mum and dad,
You guys rock. Seriously, you've put up a lot with me and I don't know how you did it... I know I'm fucked up and all but you still stayed there for me no matter what especially when I needed you which means the world. You are both the best parents a girl could wish for and even now I'm gone you still have may and jack who love you a lot. I want you to know that the decision I made isn't because of you, it's a built up of a lot of things that I've been feeling inside and they all stem from me. I have a lot of body issues and they make me hate myself, I genuinely hate myself so much that I want too die, the world would be a better place without me and I know that a hell of a lot of people have it a lot worse than me but I can't help how I feel. I just want you both to know how much I love you and I always will, the decision I've made is completely my own decision and I'm so sorry I couldn't have stayed stronger for you guys but believe me I've tried, I just can't be strong anymore I'm sorry.
lots and lots of love
Georgia xxxxxxxxxxx
A few teardrops splashed the letter as I folded it up shoving it inside an envelope and putting it inside the black box. It was May and Jack's letter next...
Dear Jack and May,
You are without a doubt the coolest brother and sister I could ever get and I love you both so much. Jack, you're awesome you're living out your dream, inspiring people's lives every single day and I'm so proud of you please never forget that. May, you're the girl I go to with my guy problems you're more like a friend to me than a sister but I know that you've always got my back and it means a lot.
lots of love
Georgia xoxxoxoxoxo
There was only one more personal letter I had too write and that was to Alex. I had been dreading this one the most because it would be the hardest to write which sounds bad because your family should be the hardest too write but Alex had saved my life before but this time I guess I just couldn't be saved.
Dear Alex,
I love you so much I honestly do, it hurts me so much to write you this letter saying goodbye because you are my everything. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for doing this too you but you have to know that it will get easier without me I promise, I want you to promise me that you'll meet someone new, don't be afraid to fall in love because you sure as hell deserve it. I've never met a guy as perfect as you before and I never will again, I'm sorry to leave you like this especially if you still think I'm okay and this has come out of the blue because truth is I haven't been okay not for a long while, I feel on top of the world when I'm with you but unfortunately you're only a temporary distraction to my problems. I love you so much but nothing you could have done would have stopped me from doing this I'm sorry. I love you millions. You'll always own my heart but I'm letting yours free you deserve to be happy Lex, you really do.
Forever yours,
Georgia xxxxxxxxxx
I folded up the last letter, putting it into an envelope and placing inside the black box. I put the lid on top of the box, picking it up and putting it underneath my bed as a few tears slipped down my cheeks. I was doing this, I was really going to do this.
I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain I would cause everyone but I couldn't live with this pain anymore, in time they'd learn to live without me I'd be nothing but a distant memory and that would be the best thing for everyone...
I dragged myself out of bed flinging my covers off of myself not bothering to make my bed once I had got out of it. I stood up my legs wobbling from lack of nutrition, I pulled the black hairband off of my wrist and tied up my hair. I didn't even care about my appearance anymore, I didn't care about anything. The only thing keeping me alive right now was Alex but he had no clue he was thousands of miles away from me living his dream having a good summer, I was lucky to get a text every few days.
I went over to my wardrobe grabbing a pair of light blue skinny jeans and pulling them on roughly against my legs, then I grabbed a baggy jumper and pulled it on. I had work in half an hour and work made me feel even worse I could barley make it through the whole day without nearly collapsing. There was a girl at my work called Emma and she was lovely, she was so skinny and beautiful and she ate loads without putting on an onze of weight which made me envy her completely. I found myself sometimes being sharp and snappy to her but that was mostly because half of the time I was out of it and then the other half of the time I was either staring at her enviously wishing I could be her.
I went into the bathroom, grabbing my toothpaste and toothbrush and brushing my teeth quickly then grabbing my makeup bag and pulling out my fountain, layering it on to cover up the dark circles underneath my eyes. Then I went downstairs avoiding the kitchen as the smell of a fried breakfast surrounded the house. I didn't have to leave for another fifteen minutes but I needed to get out of here now. I shouted goodbye to my mum and rushed out of the house before she could question me on skipping breakfast.
The journey to work was short, I enjoyed the feeling of the fresh air on my face it made me feel even more awake in the mornings. I arrived at work with ten minutes to spare, the sign on the door still said closed but when I pushed the door it clicked open. Inside Emma and Kenny my boss were setting up for the morning shift cleaning all of the tables and putting all of the chairs on the floor. I made my presence known by coughing loudly but instead it came out all rattled as if I had a chest cold.
"You're early, your shift doesn't start for another ten minutes." Kenny stated.
"Yeah, I needed to get out of the house. I'll go get the coffee machines set up." I said walking behind the counter and putting an apron over the top of me.
I put some coffee beans inside the machine and pressing down 'go'. I washed my hands so I didn't have to do it later and a few minutes later the first few customers started to come in. I prepared the first few drinks taking down their orders then passing them onto Emma.
"The usual thanks." A manly voice said.
My head snapped up to see if I recognised the person and I sure did. I told Emma the order smiling at the man.
"I don't have work till ten so I thought I might as well come see how you're doing." Adam said.
"That's very sweet of you even though I won't be able too talk much since I'm working."
Adam handed me over the money and I opened up the till shoving it in. Emma handed the warm coffee drink to Adam his name scribbled on the side as he sent her a cheeky smile, her eyelashes fluttered a few times she properly thought he was hitting on her. Adam took his drink and sat down at an empty table gesturing for me to go over.
"Georgia you can have that ten minutes back if you want." Kenny shouted from across the room.
We'd only been open an hour so it wasn't busy and definitely wouldn't fall under if I stopped working for ten minutes. I smiled gratefully at him walking over to Kenny and sliding in the empty seat in front of him.
"Georgia, I'm worried about you..." Adam said in a near whisper.
"Worried about me? Why?" I asked dumbfounded.
"Don't play dumb to me Georgia I'm your bestfriend I know you better than anyone and I know when there's a problem, even if I don't actually know what it is."
I breathed a sigh of relief, he was just 'concerned' about me he didn't actually have a clue what was wrong with me. I plastered on my best fake smile thinking up a quick lie to tell him.
"I'm fine honestly Adam, there's no need too worry about me. I just miss warped a bit that's all." I lied straight through my teeth.
"Well y'know I would have believed you if you hadn't have said that you missed warped because you've told me countless times how much you regret every going there so this time Georgia do me a favour a tell me the truth." Adam said sternly.
"Adam, it doesn't matter because its my problem to deal with, I am the only one who can fix it. Please can you drop it now?" I pleaded.
"Ha, don't you think I remember the last time you said something like that too me but it turned out the problem was a pretty huge problem and you needed a lot of help to get through that."
I pushed my chair back, standing up. I was done talking too him now, I didn't want too argue with him but whenever people pressured me into trying to tell them something I clammed up more and then they had no chance in hell of finding out.
"I have to go back too work now, I'll see you later." I said my jaw clenched as I walked away.
I heard Adam call my name but I chose to ignore him, instead walking straight into the cloakroom for a moment of peace. I was done. I was giving up on everything, I was ready to die now I just needed the right time.
*
I grabbed my pen off of the shelf, clicking the end down and putting the pen to paper. I was about to write my goodbye letters to everyone, I had decided the date to end it all January 5th, it was next year but only 5 months away, I wanted to fulfil my list of things to do before I die because chances are after I died I'd be dead forever and never be able to do the things I really wanted too do. First thing I had to do was write the ten things I wanted to do before I died and that was a pretty easy list. I scribbled them down in my neat handwriting.
1) get fired from a job
2) kiss someone in the rain
3) compete in a sports event
4) go skinny dipping
5) go to the cinema and stay for the next film without paying
6) break the law
7) reach my goal weight
8) beat zack in an arm wrestle
9) donate all of my money to charity (day before I die)
10) stop purging
I folded up the note placing it in a small black box which was were I would keep all of my letters to people to give to them the day before I die. I grabbed a blank piece of paper it was properly best to start with my parents first.
Dear mum and dad,
You guys rock. Seriously, you've put up a lot with me and I don't know how you did it... I know I'm fucked up and all but you still stayed there for me no matter what especially when I needed you which means the world. You are both the best parents a girl could wish for and even now I'm gone you still have may and jack who love you a lot. I want you to know that the decision I made isn't because of you, it's a built up of a lot of things that I've been feeling inside and they all stem from me. I have a lot of body issues and they make me hate myself, I genuinely hate myself so much that I want too die, the world would be a better place without me and I know that a hell of a lot of people have it a lot worse than me but I can't help how I feel. I just want you both to know how much I love you and I always will, the decision I've made is completely my own decision and I'm so sorry I couldn't have stayed stronger for you guys but believe me I've tried, I just can't be strong anymore I'm sorry.
lots and lots of love
Georgia xxxxxxxxxxx
A few teardrops splashed the letter as I folded it up shoving it inside an envelope and putting it inside the black box. It was May and Jack's letter next...
Dear Jack and May,
You are without a doubt the coolest brother and sister I could ever get and I love you both so much. Jack, you're awesome you're living out your dream, inspiring people's lives every single day and I'm so proud of you please never forget that. May, you're the girl I go to with my guy problems you're more like a friend to me than a sister but I know that you've always got my back and it means a lot.
lots of love
Georgia xoxxoxoxoxo
There was only one more personal letter I had too write and that was to Alex. I had been dreading this one the most because it would be the hardest to write which sounds bad because your family should be the hardest too write but Alex had saved my life before but this time I guess I just couldn't be saved.
Dear Alex,
I love you so much I honestly do, it hurts me so much to write you this letter saying goodbye because you are my everything. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for doing this too you but you have to know that it will get easier without me I promise, I want you to promise me that you'll meet someone new, don't be afraid to fall in love because you sure as hell deserve it. I've never met a guy as perfect as you before and I never will again, I'm sorry to leave you like this especially if you still think I'm okay and this has come out of the blue because truth is I haven't been okay not for a long while, I feel on top of the world when I'm with you but unfortunately you're only a temporary distraction to my problems. I love you so much but nothing you could have done would have stopped me from doing this I'm sorry. I love you millions. You'll always own my heart but I'm letting yours free you deserve to be happy Lex, you really do.
Forever yours,
Georgia xxxxxxxxxx
I folded up the last letter, putting it into an envelope and placing inside the black box. I put the lid on top of the box, picking it up and putting it underneath my bed as a few tears slipped down my cheeks. I was doing this, I was really going to do this.
I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain I would cause everyone but I couldn't live with this pain anymore, in time they'd learn to live without me I'd be nothing but a distant memory and that would be the best thing for everyone...
Hmm, so I just stumbled across this and I'm sad to see it was never finished. I've read what you have so far and I just wanted to leave a comment letting you know I think you're a great writer. :)
If you ever choose to finish this, I will be here to read, because I think it's a great story. I really think it deserves an ending. :') Georgia and Alex have been through a lot; I think they deserve a happy ending, but that's just me. :P
Maybe this comment will inspire you to finish the story. :)
2/22/16