I fidgeted in my seat, my leg bopping up and down to the beat of the familiar pop song that was blasting out of the radio. Today was another one of Alex's dates and yet again I had no clue on where we were going, Alex said he liked the element of 'surprise' as for me I hated it but I could appreciate all he was doing for me, I was honestly the luckiest girl in the world to have someone like Alex in my life, no matter how hard it is he's always there for me even when I screw up he still loves me no matter what and that's something I really need in my life.

I hummed softly along to the radio, winding down the window and getting blasted with cool, fresh, summer's air. There was a beach not too far away from here so that's where I presumed we were going after all Alex had told me to wear a bikini underneath my clothes as we might be getting 'wet'.

“Alex?” I asked.

“Yeah?” Alex replied eyes still locked onto the road ahead of him.

“Thanks for doing all of this, it means a lot.”

“No worries, it's something I want too do especially for you.” Alex said his lips curving into a smile.

I blush crept onto my face as I looked back out of the window taking in the scenery, it really was beautiful they sky was a perfect light blue, the sea was sparkling, the golden sand it was like it had come straight out of a picture.

A few minutes later Alex parked the car in a near enough empty car park, he quickly climbed out of the car running around to my side to open the door for me, holding out his hand as I climbed out. I grabbed my small beach bag, grabbing my sunglasses out of them and putting them on. Alex locked the car then laced our hands together and we began walking in the general direction of the beach.

“I knew we were coming here.” I stated.

“Oh you did? Disappointed or something?” Alex asked frowning.

“Definitely not, you know I love the beach. I haven't been here in ages.”

Alex's and my hand began to swing back and forth almost childlike before finally reaching the beach, there was quite a few families here but that was too be expected because it was such a nice day. I found a spot on the beach for us to sit laying out my towel then taking my top and shorts off so I was just left in my black bikini, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling really self conscious now. I sat up straight, sucking my stomach in and crossing my arms over my stomach to cover it up. I doubt that this feeling would ever go away, the pure self hatred I had for my body but I had to pretend to everyone else that I was okay I didn't want too be a 'freak' I just wanted too be normal like everyone else.

Alex set down his towel next too mine pulling off his top to reveal his toned chest, I still felt a little numb when I saw him like this; how could someone as perfect as him want someone as unperfect as me?

“Since you hate surprises and shit here's the plan for today, we're gonna go for a swim, eat some food, make a sandcastle then go get an ice cream that alright with you?” Alex asked.

“Sounds good but make a sandcastle? How old are we Alex five?” I said laughing.

“I'd like to think I'm a pretty mature five year old.” Alex said pouting.

I laughed again then pressed my lips to his before standing up and holding out my hand.

“Let's go in the sea then.” I said excitedly.

We ran hand in hand like little kids into the sea going in till the water reached our waists, I wasn't the best swimmer so it was properly a stupid idea going in this deep. I loved the beach but whenever I came here it was usually just to listen too music and sunbathe. Alex lifted me up by my waist and I swung my legs around his back clinging onto him then wrapped my arms around his neck.

“I forgot you don't swim much.” Alex said his voice muffled as he pressed small kisses too my neck.

“It's fine, I know I'm safe whenever I'm with you.” I informed him honestly.

Alex moved his head back keeping eye contact with me the entire time, the smile on his face growing larger as he leant in our lips making contact. The kiss could have gone on forever but we were rudely interrupted when I felt something brush against my leg. I pulled away from Alex quickly a small shriek leaving my mouth as I clung onto Alex as tight as I could trying to get my legs out of the water.

“Calm down Georgia, it's properly only a fish or something.” Alex said laughing.

“Alex, I don't give a fuck please get me out of here now!” I said loudly.

Alex carried on laughing as we quickly got out of the sea running back to where our towels were, I wrapped mine around myself shivering, the sea was a lot warmer than I had thought.

“Okay, I don't know about you but I'm starving. I'm just gonna go back to the car and grab the picnic basket I'll be two seconds.” Alex said before breaking into a slow jog back to the car park.

I watched him walk away then leaned back on the towel putting my arms behind me to keep myself propped up, letting the sun soak into my skin. A few minutes later Alex returned with a large picnic basket in his hand, he placed the basket on the floor sitting down on the towel next too mine. He opened the basket up to reveal a large variety of foods before grabbing a roll out and tossing it into my lap.

“Tuna roll for you babe.”

“Ah you remembered my favourite.” I said happily.

Next Alex grabbed a peanut butter roll for himself and poured out two cups of diet pespi handing one too me. I drunk the drink thirstily, it was a lot hotter than I thought it was going too be today. I pulled the cling film off of the tuna roll and started to eat the roll daintily, it wasn't like Alex would care about how I ate it but to me it mattered a hell of a lot. After we'd finished our rolls, Alex pulled out more food this time tossing a packet of crisps at me. I looked down guiltily at my bulging thighs, I was disgusting and eating was making myself look even worse but I didn't want Alex to know this so instead I shoved the salty crisps into my mouth finishing each and every last one. I knew exactly what I had too do later, something I hadn't done in a few years, something that I thought I'd recovered from.

“What do you want to eat next?” Alex asked rummaging around the picnic basket.

“Nothing.” I answered quickly.

Alex looked up, an eyebrow raised. “Why not? You haven't even eaten much.”

“I'm full, I had a really big breakfast before we came out sorry.” I lied.

“Haha it's alright, I should have told you that'd I was bringing a lot of food.” Alex said completely oblivious to my lie.

I let out a small, false laugh. I was a rubbish liar but when it came to lying about food and everything related to that it turned out I was a pretty brilliant liar. Alex carried on chomping away at food but I had to look away I was so paranoid that just looking at food would make me want to eat it then I'd just get fatter and fatter.

“Wanna make a sandcastle now?” Alex asked wiping his hands on his trunks.

I nodded my head a few times then stood up and moved over to a clear piece of beach sitting back down as I watched Alex bring over a bucket and two spades. Alex winked at me sitting down beside me, handing me a spade then getting down too work. This was gonna be a long few hours.

*

“Do you wanna come in?” I asked Alex as he walked me to my front door.

The last few hours of the date had been perfect and I really didn't want it too end so soon, it was only 6pm and I didn't have any plans for the rest of the evening.

“I'd love to but I have to get packing again for Warped I need to wash all of my clothes, pack fresh ones.” Alex explained sighing.

“Oh, I completely forgot about Warped.”

“Same well until this morning when I got a text from Roxy saying that everyone misses us at Warped, not that I blame them I mean we are amazing.” Alex joked.

Roxy texted Alex saying that everyone missed them. Hmm sure, more like Roxy missed Alex. I loved Roxy, she was a great friend but she didn't hide her feelings for Alex she obviously had a crush on him and she was a lot prettier than me, a lot skinner than me no doubt he'd fall in love with her all she had to do was batter her long black eyelashes at him a few times and show off her cleavage, though I hoped Alex wasn't that dumb to fall for that. Who am I kidding? Alex wasn't going too stay with me for the long run unless I changed myself I had to be my idea of 'perfect'.

“When are you leaving?” I asked.

“Two days time, you can still come back with us y'know enjoy the rest of your summer with me...” Alex said his voice trailing off.

If I went back to Warped I wouldn't be able to purge everyone would find out therefore I'd just keep on getting fatter, I wouldn't even be able to not eat because I'd constantly have food shoved in my face and in all honesty? I didn't want to go back there to my so called friends and have Roxy flirt with Alex right in front of my face, I didn't want to go back and stay outside for hours and hours every single day selling merch and nearly passing out because of the heat. I needed to stay at home, I needed to be myself as much as I'd miss Alex and Jack hell even Rian and Zack home was the best place for me right now, I didn't need any distractions.

“I think it's best if I stay here Lex.” I finally said.

“Why? I thought we were okay? I can't be there for another three weeks without you there with me.”

“You're a professional you've been away touring for months before without even a text to me, I'm pretty sure you can do it again.”

“That was different... That was before I realised how much you meant to me, how much I love you. Please for me?” Alex asked pouting.

“I-I can't Alex. I have commitments here, Adam put in an application for me at the starbucks down the road from the sweet shop he works at and I've got an interview in a couple of days time plus I can't keep expecting my mum and dad to look after Benji he's my dog after all. I need the money too if I want too save up for an apartment by myself.”

“You can move in with me! Then money and shit is sorted and you have a job back at Warped you know Roxy will give you your job back I can talk to her if you want?”

“Alex you live with Lisa, how's that gonna look if I just move in? And you don't need too talk to Roxy for me can you just listen to me? I regret going to Warped in the first place, it wasn't the right thing for me too do my whole life practically got fucked up there I only had a few good memories, it's best if I stay away from that place. Can you just drop it now? I've had a really good day and this is ruining it...” I said turning away so I wasn't facing Alex.

“Fine. I'm just gonna miss you that's all.” Alex replied bluntly pulling his phone out of his pocket.

I stared down at the floor, I'd just ruined a perfect day, a perfect date just because I was trying to avoid my own selfish problems. I couldn't even tell Alex the truth because I knew it'd hurt him too much and he properly wouldn't want to be with a freak like me after he found out. I was disgusting, I literally loathed everything about myself, I thought I was getting better, I thought I was making better choices in life but instead I was just screwing everything up again, making things worse for everyone, I was an awful person.

“I have to go, Lisa just text me asking if I'd go on a dog walk with her so we could 'talk'...” Alex said making me look up at him.

“Oh.” is all I could manage to say.

“We're only going to talk Georgia. She's always going to be a big part of my life and if you can't accept that then there's no point in us... You have to deal with the fact that I live with her and properly will do for a long time and then I have the dogs with her which are a commitment.” Alex said sighing.

“What are you trying to say? That she's better for you, that you should go and be with her because you have commitments together? I get that's she's always going to mean something to you but for future references for your next girlfriend you don't say shit like that to them because then they'll think you haven't moved on and break up with you.” I said my voice getting louder as tears pricked in my eyes.

I didn't care if I was being unfair on him because right now every little thing he was saying was breaking me down, I didn't have any commitments with him what so ever but she did she'd always be better than me, she'd always be prettier, she'd always be skinner, she would always be the girl that Alex loved most and would always run back too.

“C'mon Georgia you know I didn't mean that. I want to be with you do you think I would have spent the past couple of days trying to make everything fucking perfect on these dates if I didn't want too be with you!?” Alex snapped.

A bit my lip not sure what too respond with, I didn't want too fight with him anymore. I didn't want too loose him. I couldn't loose him, not again.

“I don't know okay? You make everything look so clear that you can't even take a second to look at the situation from my perspective. I know that she'll always be a big part of your life but I'm your I don't know what I am too you but I thought I was pretty important to you too.”

“What are you to me? Well I want you too be my girlfriend Georgia, I love you. I don't want too argue with you anymore please can we just forget this? The thought of loosing you again is killing me...” Alex said shoving his hands in his pockets.

I took a few steps forward towards him, pulling his hands out of his pockets and sliding our fingers together.

“I'd love to be your girlfriend Lex, I don't want too argue either. You go on the dog walk and talk to Lisa and stuff just make sure she knows that we're together okay?”

“Baby, you don't even need too worry about her because it is you that I want too be with, I love you.” Alex said pressing his lips too mine briefly.

“I love you too.”

I waited for Alex to get in his car and drive away before I went inside to be instantly greeted by Benji who jumped straight up onto my leg with his tail wagging. I slid my back down the wall, sitting down on the floor and burring my face in my hands, my hair going everywhere as I held back tears. I honestly didn't know what was wrong with me, I had the perfect boyfriend, a good family, good friends but I couldn't get rid of this 'depressed' feeling, I was so tired of putting on a false smile everyday and pretending that everything was okay, I just wanted too feel normal again.

Hopefully I wouldn't have to wait too long...

Notes

bleugh is all i can say, i was meant to upload this yesterday but it was my birthday so i was a bit busy haha but im on half term now so i shall try and squeeze in another update or two in the next few days as always thankyou for reading and your comments really do mean a lot and they give me a lot of motivation so please do comment!

Thankyou for your comments on the last chapter:
wallflower343
tragic_ending
alex-hot-gaskarth