Don't Make This Easy, I Want You to Mean It

I’d barely slept. Alex’s words had played over in my head all night. When he had woken at 8 (thanks to our remarkably loud and irritating alarms), he didn’t say a word about anything he had said the night before, going almost straight to wake Jack and Marissa while I showered. We were now a few hours into the drive. I’d taken first shift and let the others sleep for a while, knowing I was too anxious to sleep myself and loading up on all the caffeine I could stomach. As it was, Alex was driving while Marissa and Jack continued to sleep. He’d woken at midday and demanded I pull over to switch out. He had yet to mention the night before, keeping unnaturally quiet and focussing on the road. I didn’t even know if he remembered what he’d said, never mind if he meant it or it was just the booze talking. If he did remember, and he did mean it, why wasn’t he talking about it? Did my lack of reciprocation mean he felt rejected? Had I fucked up by hedging my bets and not gushing like the twelve-year-old he made me feel like? Or did he remember, having not meant it, and now he just wanted to forget it had ever happened? If he didn’t remember it and I brought it up now, what the hell would I say?
“Are you okay?” I asked after more silence than I could stomach, checking that Jack and Marissa were still sleeping soundly. “You seem a little off.” He glanced over to me, barely taking his eyes off the road for a second before turning back and clenching his jaw a little.
“I’m fine, Hol. I’m just a bit hungover.”
“Really?”
“Really, really.” He shot me what was supposed to be a reassuring smile, but it looked more like a grimace. I shuffled around in my seat, pulling my feet up and curling into the seat, watching him. The blanket draped over me fell almost entirely off, but it made little difference. I had no need for it.
“Do you remember how Jack keeps trying to make us say we love each other? You know, change our minds about everything we’ve ever believed?” I asked warily. I saw his clenched jaw return, his shoulders squaring up, making his entire body look tense. I watched his muscles fight his request for them to relax, his biceps looking like they were spasming in slow motion. Unfortunately, I couldn’t decide if it was him remembering last night or simply because he thought I was going to tell him I loved him and he didn’t want that. Hell, that could be the case whether he remembered or not.
“Difficult to forget.”
“Marissa and I were talking the other night…”
“And? You guys do that a lot. I mean, you do live together and you are best friends.” He smirked at his own joke, trying to act normal, as if I couldn’t see straight through him. I smiled, trying to make it seem like I believed his levity.
“Touché. But, what I mean is she’s decided that she thinks Jack is right. She was nagging me on the way here, trying to force some sort of confession out of me.”
“You mean I have to put up with twice the whining now?” He groaned loudly.
“No, we have to put up with twice the whining now. And more so for me because I live with her.”
“I practically live with her,” he grinned sheepishly. I felt the normal Alex creeping back into the conversation and relaxed. He still looked tense, but at the very least he seemed to be acting normal with me, which I appreciated.
“You’ll need to sleep over a lot more if you want to start telling people you live with me,” I laughed.
“Is that an invitation?”
“Oh, totally. I mean, your mom would murder me for stealing you and everyone in school would have an absolute field day, but sure, it’s an invitation for you to live with me.”
“Good, because your bed is amazing.”
For some reason, when we finally pulled up at Marissa and I’s apartment building, Jack wasn’t acting like a five-year-old on a sugar high. I’d seen him take a 2 hour trip and run into our place kissing the floor because he was so glad to be able to sleep, and yet, at 2am, after a day and a half in a car, he was subdued and, dare I say it, even a little moody. Jack had marched out of more than one gas stop today with arms full of candy, which he had eaten practically on his own, and yet he wasn’t excitable. In fact, he was visibly scowling and had been since our last gas stop. Prior to Marissa and I leaving for the bathroom, he’d been shouting about how he was nearly home and had been squealing at every Baltimore road sign he’d seen. I didn’t know what had happened in the 2 minutes I’d been gone, but he’d been sullen and annoyed since we set off again.
The boys were pulling our luggage into the apartment, despite half-hearted protests from Marissa and I, while the two of us checked over the car for anything we may have forgotten, pulling out armfuls of empty food wrappers and throwing them into the trash on our slow walk into the building, our thoughts focussed upon crawling into bed with our boys and nothing else. Ahead, we heard the murmurs of a whispered argument, easily recognising the voices as those of our boyfriends, though their words were indecipherable. I raised my eyebrows at my best friend, who simply shrugged, the both of us agreeing silently that we would find out after we’d rested just what was going on between them.
“Quit bitching at your lover and come to bed, Alex,” I yawned, entering the room and stopping them both abruptly. He exchanged a glance with Jack, who had noticeably avoided looking at me since I walked in. Any other time I’d be offended and pull him for it then and there, but I was too exhausted to feel anything resembling annoyance about Jack PMSing. I pouted at Alex, silently pleading with him until he sighed and replied to me.
“I’ll be through in a couple. I just need to talk to Jack. Alone.” Marissa and I both glanced at each other, exchanging concerned looks. If it was serious enough for Alex and Jack to make a point of being alone without either of us, then I needed to know tonight what was wrong. They didn’t keep anything from us.
Tugging fresh pyjamas on, I couldn’t help but think about the other night. Could that possibly be what Jack and Alex were discussing, why Jack was so annoyed with me? I couldn’t fathom why Alex would remember what he had said and not say anything to me for two days. He and Jack both knew it was difficult for me to express my emotions and how I struggled to come to terms with anything serious. Though, I suppose, in matters of love, they were both a little clueless. Alex, however, was always the confident one, so surely telling me he loved me should have been easy, much easier than it would have been for Jack, who was a little less confident with girls. If Alex could only tell me he loved me with lowered inhibitions, however, surely Jack was the more confident one.
Then again, the sheer fact that Alex had been intoxicated could make him tell me he loved me even if he didn’t. To me, that made more sense. How could Alex Gaskarth, of all people, have fallen in love with me? Easy, simple little Jasey Rae. Though this train of thought made perfect sense regarding Alex’s feelings for me, it did nothing to help me discover why Jack was so annoyed with me. What could I have done wrong if Alex didn’t love me?
I slipped under the covers of my bed and attempted to listen to the boys’ conversation. I knew it was unlikely that I would hear anything, given how quiet they were being, but it helped me feel like I was doing something about the mood in the apartment. The voices stopped and I heard the door to Marissa’s room open and close, signalling that Jack had gone to bed and Alex wasn’t far behind. As anticipated, my door opened and closed a few moments later, Alex creeping quietly into the room, making his way around in the dark. I saw his silhouette against the window as he pulled his clothes off and got into bed next to me.
“Alex?”
“Hmm?” He yawned.
“Why is Jack mad at me?” I made a point not to cuddle up next to Alex when he moved toward the middle of the bed, figuring this out being much more important to me than being close to him. Jack was one of my best friends, I hated arguing with him.
“What makes you think he’s mad at you?”
“That look he gave me when I left you guys. He never looks at me like that, Lex. What did I do? He hasn’t spoken to me in hours. I’m worried.” I heard him sigh, but he didn’t immediately reply.
“It’s… it’s nothing. Don’t worry about it, Jase.” My forehead creased. Alex never called me Jasey. I couldn’t remember the last time he called me anything other than ‘Hols’ or ‘Holly’. I didn’t like it.
“But I am worried about it. That’s the point. What were the two of you talking about that you couldn’t tell me or Marissa?”
“I said leave it. Just drop it.”
“No, I won’t ‘just drop it’, Alex. He’s my best friend, how can I be okay if he’s mad at me and you won’t tell me why! I’ve known Jack a hell of a long time and there’s always a damn good reason for him to be mad at anyone. I want to know what I’ve done.”
“Jasey,” he growled, “I’ve told you to drop it. Jack isn’t mad at you. There’s nothing to tell.”
“Bullshit. Just fucking tell me!” The pair of us were sat up in my bed and I was glaring at him intently, him probably returning the gesture, though through the darkness I couldn’t tell. My voice was rising every time he tried to tell me it was nothing, to leave it alone, anger welling in the pit of my stomach. How could he keep something like this from me? I’d clearly done something wrong and I wanted to fix it before Jack and I’s friendship suffered for it.
“He’s mad, okay? He doesn’t want to tell you and he fucking won’t. Now will you drop it?”
“No, I fucking won’t.” I was almost shouting now, something I’d never before come close to doing to Alex. “My best friend is angry at me and all you can do is tell me to drop it? Fuck off. You wouldn’t drop this and you know I won’t.”
“I don’t want to deal with this right now, Jasey. Let me sleep.” I scoffed loudly. What did he expect? That he could roll over and sleep this all away? No fucking way.
“If you can’t be fucking honest with me, don’t expect to be welcome in my bed.”
“Ho-“ The pillow I’d picked up and thrown at him cut him off before he could finish saying my name and trying to worm his way out of the situation.
“Get out,” I growled. “Go sleep on the couch or something. Go fucking home for all I care. You’re not sleeping next to me.”
“Fine.” He picked up the pillow I had thrown and the blanket that usually sat on top of my duvet, storming out of the room, clearly heading for the couch.
My anger dissipated slightly as I walked the door slam shut behind him. I pulled Alex’s pillow closer to me, resting my head on it and curling up under the covers. I was still annoyed beyond belief that Alex had somehow turned my own best friend against me and wouldn’t tell me why, but it felt wrong knowing that he was just outside my door and I wouldn’t be cuddling up and sleeping next to him tonight.
Alex and I had just had our first fight and I didn’t like it one bit.

Notes

So my 15000 word dissertation is due today. I cannot concentrate on it because I'm stressing out so much.
So, here, have another chapter.
Don't hate me.